Enough! I want to be happy, to look happy. I want to never again give the impression that I am a needy little child. I am all grown up. At fifty-six years of age, it is time I stop being this weepy rag.
ENOUGH ALREADY!
Time to grow up. Time to stop Micha and let her grow up too.
Valerie called me, very upset. Why, oh why, did I write her that letter? Because I felt sorry for myself. Because I wanted someone to say poor, poor, Michelle.
Well, no more. No more. Time to grow up.
Oct. 25, 2000 ((NSA Journal after adjustment) Today I felt…Strange feeling. Unusual. Unpleasant. No images or, rather, silly ones. A flowerpot with red flowers. Something too close to my face. Neck hurts. Not so sad, but stomach hurts. I want to come here and not cry anymore. I want, if I do cry, to know why. I feel so fidgety these days. Something is going on. What? I don’t sleep, so I have started to take sleeping pills. I wonder if that affects Network.
But I must sleep. Being up all night and then going to work is simply exhausting and I make mistakes at work. This has to stop, to come to an end, to finish. There must be an ending. There has to be. When will I grow up?
Oct. 29, 2000 (Computer Journal)