It’s like a disease, I can’t stop myself. Always, I write. So much I write. In spite of all the journals I have lost. In spite of the ones I have destroyed and in spite of my last one being stolen.
Why do I feel so sad today? Is it because of the sleeping pills? I won’t take any more. Why do I cry so, when what I want is to be happy?
There is nothing wrong in my life. How long will the shadow of Micha stay? Why don’t I see how great my life is now and be happy?
Why always so sad? Is this a sickness of itself? And if so, how do I heal this? Two years, and still joy escapes me, and my days are filled with sadness and many tears.
How do I give birth to Joy?
How do I let Sadness die?
Where is RESURRECTION?
I want the kind of fundamental change where one becomes so different that it feels necessary to change one’s name.
Oct. 22, 2000 (Computer Journal)
Is it imagination or memory?
If I see a little girl spreadeagled on a table where there is a circular saw, what does it mean?
Does it mean I remember being on the table or does it mean my mind is making a picture, the way one makes a picture before drawing it? IMAGINATION.
I cannot call this a memory, yet it is no different than the absence of a picture of me getting a hug from someone, anyone, my mother, my grandmother, my grandfather, my father.
What bothers me is that I can see a picture of me tied to the table, but I cannot see any picture of me being hugged. It just is not there.
There are no happy pictures. Where are they? All I can think of is that there were none. No hugs, no loving feelings.
During a Network adjustment, I cry so much. I get a feeling of such frenzy, a feeling that I cannot endure what is going on one moment longer. So what is going on? Why do I cry so, feel such terror and fear? These feelings are so intense that it feels as if I am about to either faint or jump out of my skin.
How could I push that further during Network? Is it possible without the fainting? How do I get there? How do I endure beyond endur-ance, to finally ‘see’ what is going on?
How?
Oct. 24, 2000 (Computer Journal)