I don’t know why it upset me to have the dream with Hell in it.
I was upset when I got up at 3:00 a.m., remembering the dream. As to the dream about the gala affair, I felt like crying when I woke up and remembered it.
I have no idea why both dreams left such strong feelings.
Oct. 16, 2000 (NSA Journal after adjustment) Today I felt…No, I saw: a honey-coloured wooden edge, as if on a table or bench, very worn in one spot. My hands tied with something grey. What I felt was terror, pain. I wanted to scream but held back because one cannot scream at Hell’s clinic. It would not be right for the other patients. I cried a lot; big sobs of pain. I felt that somewhere,
at sometime, something had happened, was happening, to me that brought excruciating pain. I don’t think crying brought any relief, it was simply something I could not help doing. I had no control over it. I talked with Hell; he said not to fill in the blanks. Draw, write my declarations, but no more. Say, This is what I saw, this is what I felt, this is what I experienced. The end.
Oct. 18, 2000 (NSA Journal after adjustment) Today I felt overwhelmed by something that will not stop. Feelings of my body shaking all over from the stress of this thing that will not stop. Stop! Stop the beating! My head hurts. I can’t take this anymore.
Stop! Please stop. Stop! I will snap in two. Too much. Too much.
Stop! Stop! I cannot take more of this! It is too much. My head will explode. No! No! Enough! Stop!
Oct. 21, 2000 (Computer Journal)