​Skill 3: Allowances & Boundaries

Defining what is welcome, what is needed, and where the lines are.

• Proactively discussing and agreeing on the freedoms and allowances, expressions of affection, and connections that are welcome, encouraged, and celebrated within each unique relationship.
• Clearly identifying and communicating personal comfort levels, boundaries, needs, and non-negotiables ('I need', 'I cannot') regarding intimacy, time and communication to ensure mutual respect and safety.
• Translating boundaries into positive agreements. Moving beyond 'don'ts' to reframe agreements as positive, shared intentions. An example:
  • From: "Don't let another partner become too important."
  • To: "We agree to communicate proactively if a new relationship becomes serious, so we can discuss how our commitments, time, and emotional landscapes might adapt."
• Documenting agreements in an explicit and clear way to prevent assumptions. This can often be done verbally and at other times in writing, particularly for complex arrangements.
• Having regular check-ins to revisit allowances and boundaries as individuals and relationships evolve, ensuring they remain comfortable, supportive and in alignment.
• Approaching necessary changes as natural evolutions rather than breaches. This involves using the communication skills learnt in Skill 1 to update agreements, ensuring that everyone feels safe and respected.