hadn’t thought of. Knowing this will help keep the relationship you have to grow stronger.
Dating for Keeps
In Chapter 5, I discussed the etiquette for dating during the first few times you go out with someone you’re attracted to.
After the first few dates, once you’ve established that connection, your mind map of the ideal partner will form the basis of how you’ll behave towards one another afterward, and why.
To get an idea of how to date for keeps, let’s review the most common questions people ask about dating, after they’ve gone through the first few dates.
Question #1:
“How many times should I phone him/her? How many times should we see each other?”
Actually, you can see and talk to one another as often as both of you want, and as often as both your schedules will allow.
But if you want specifics, the question can be best answered by observing a few related rules.
There’s a Phase 1 and 2 for dating.
What I call Phase 1 is the initial, getting-to-know-you stage with your prospective partner or date. There should be
no commitment whatsoever at this stage from either person to pursue a relationship. You should refrain from getting too physically intimate with them., as this is very preliminary, you are simply getting to know a potential partner.
For some people, a sweet kiss is an acceptably non- committal thing to do on the first or second date. But others will see it as a clear signal that you’re looking for a deeper relationship with them, ASAP. If you’re not sure which party your date belongs to, err on the side of caution and give only a peck on the cheek or a little hug.
Controlling yourself from getting too physically involved in the beginning is a sign of respect for your date’s feelings. You’re managing expectations. In case you aren’t yet sure of how you feel about them, or in case you’d like to see other
people at the same time, your dates will be more accepting of the idea that you’re still “exploring” your options.
The emergence of Phase 2 in dating is signaled by your feelings for a particular person. You’re dazzled or wowed enough with a particular date to consider seeing him or her exclusively.
Phase 2 is the stage where you start to open up to the other person, and start revealing more and more about yourself and your true feelings. The key word here is exclusivity. NOTE - This second phase still holds no guarantee that the two of you will end up in a long-term relationship. It only guarantees to the other person that
you’re seriously considering them, and that you respect their feelings by dating them exclusively.
One plays the pursuer, and the other the pursued.
Some people like to woo the person they’re attracted to, while others prefer being wooed. Generally, women fall in the latter group; but that’s not a hard rule either. Some men actually like the idea of a woman pursuing them.
People also switch roles, depending on who they’re with. They can pursue a person in one case, and then be pursued in another. Sometimes, the roles are interchangeable or balanced out between the same two people.
Recognizing the existence of this natural role-playing phenomenon will help you understand or interpret the non- verbal cues your date might be giving out, especially during the first few weeks of your new found relationship.
Be courageous and honest enough to ask.
Whether you’re in Phase 1 or 2 of the dating process, you have to constantly remind yourself to actually ask your date if he or she wants to see you again. This is especially true if you’re the pursuer. Don’t just assume that he or she is that into you.
Be kind and polite when you ask. It’s nice if you throw in a little compliment right before the question; even better if you make sure you express your sincerity and passion as you ask the question. “Thank you so much for spending time with me
tonight,” you can say. “I really liked being with you, you are so graceful / poetic / kind / fascinating / etc. May I see you again, sometime soon?” You can even add the word please to that last sentence!
Don’t try to affect a sexy attitude when you ask your date to see you again soon. Being passionate and sexy with someone should spring naturally from within, without you having to strike a silly pose or a persona that’s not you. Your sexiness, and the attraction you have for the person, will show up naturally in your eyes. It will be heard in your voice, and felt
in all the little gestures you make when your date is beside you. If, for some reason, you try faking it, the other person’s going to know it.
Even after you’ve managed to ask someone out on the first date, it takes even greater courage or confidence to ask that person out again. You can get a “rejection” for any number of reasons. But it’s the only way for you to find out if you can continue seeing that person or not, and how often.
After each new dating event, you should compliment that person again, thank him or her, and ask their “permission” to see them yet again. (Don’t forget to show precisely how you feel.) Chances are your date will be touched and amused with your old-fashioned sensitivity. “Of course I want to see you again, silly,” he or she might say.
But if you instead get a rejection at any point in the dating process, you may also want to ask your date the reason why.
At some point in time, especially in Phase 2, you should ask your date how often the two of you should meet or call one another, when, and how.
Communication is key at the beginning of any relationship. Don’t assume, ask the questions to get accurate answers. Once he or she tells you, try your best to honor to that schedule.
Kevin and Sharon
Kevin was a New York stage production assistant who had gotten interested with one of the actresses in the Broadway theater production he was handling. Sharon was young, beautiful, talented, stylish, and held so much promise that directors, co-stars and newspaper critics had begun praising her work.
And where was Kevin in the picture? Backstage, literally. “I felt