Chapter 6: When and How to Date for Keeps
“I could not love thee, dear, so much, Loved I not honour more.”
- Richard Lovelace, “To Lucasta”
In Chapter 5, “Now You’re Ready to Date”, I gave you a summary of how to find potential partners, ask them out, and go out on the first date.
Now let’s talk about how to keep the relationship you worked so hard to get, alive and healthy.
How to Identify the One
You need to constantly remind yourself who your lifetime partner ought to be. Go back to the basics, and make sure this person you have mapped out as being ‘the one’ matches on all non-negotiable qualities.
Map of Non-Negotiable Qualities
Remember mind-mapping? You can actually create a mind map of your ideal lifetime partner or soul mate. I suggest you do so in order to help remind yourself who that person ought to be like. But when you do, know that there are such things as non-negotiable and negotiable qualities to a lifetime partner.
Non-negotiable qualities are usually those that deal with the general character of a person. These truly spell out what makes a man or woman good for you.
Good character qualities or traits are those that will guarantee you will have a long and happy relationship with this person, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. A lifetime partner with good qualities will help bring out the best in both of you, guaranteeing mutual growth instead of stifling it. (Why date or settle for anyone with less than these, and waste your time? Life is too short!)
To get you started on your map of the ideal mate, below are typical examples of non-negotiable character traits that most people map out. Some of these could likely be what you’re looking for, or what you should be looking for:
• Has high moral values or principles
• Always acts according to these principles; isn’t a hypocrite
• Wise enough to thinks thoroughly before making decisions—but decisive enough to make those decisions quickly
• Believes and lives by commitment—instead of a “whatever”
attitude
• Has a high degree of self-discipline
• Believes in the importance of families, and their importance in raising children within a family.
• Isn’t addicted to…(name the vices here)
• Doesn’t believe in violence/ isn’t violent
• Believes in equal rights between the sexes
• Isn’t racist
• Is patriotic
• Is tolerant of other people’s beliefs, but won’t let them sway his/hers
• Slow to anger, rich in kindness and compassion
• Hard-working
• Generous, affectionate, forgiving
• Courageous and tenacious in the face of hardship, trouble or danger
• Confident and solid in who he/she is, even under peer pressure
• Imaginative and open-minded
• Has a healthy dose of hope in life
I call these qualities or traits as “non-negotiable” because, should you fall inexplicably in love with someone with a dubious character, you will find yourself negotiating with your conscience, your family or your friends, arguing and justifying your choice. The only way out of the negotiations is to refer to the map of your ideal mate’s general character, which you’ve committed yourself to following.
If the person of your choice truly matches the map in every way, then you can enjoy being in love. How you interact together should be as natural as breathing. How many times
you phone each other, who paid for the last date, trivial things become less of an issue, because you connect at a deep, soul
level. Connect at this level, and the petty things in life that use to create conflict will soon dissipate.
Defining Personality Compatibility
But what about other little personality details, like appearance, habits, hobbies, etc.? Surely these should be mapped out and treated as non-negotiables as well?
In contrast to character, personalities in a lasting relationship must not be similar—but rather, compatible.
Too many times, we seem to equate compatibility with similarity. This isn’t necessarily so.
Being compatible means being complementary. For you to complement someone, you have to 1) naturally “fill in the gaps” or balance out certain aspects in the other person’s personality, and 2) still have several similar points in common.
Defining what a compatible personality for you can get very tricky. In the first place, you may have certain aspects of your own personality that you may not fully know might be balanced out or enhanced by someone else’s particular personality. That’s another way of saying it’s nearly impossible.
And so, when it comes to the little personality details, I
say: let the universe take it from there.
We are supposed to map out in general what our ideal soul mate’s main character is supposed to be. That’s non-negotiable. But when it comes to everything else—like looks, weight, personality traits, hobbies, etc.—these are only a matter of
taste, and you should consider what the universe throws at you.
Can you actually be attracted to a personality you have never considered attractive before? YES.
Jenny and Fred
My favorite story of seemingly opposite people who’ve gotten married is of Jenny and Fred.
Jenny had been an avowed single for the longest time. But she finally got married at age 38 to Fred. Jenny and Fred are as opposite in appearance and personality as night and day, so much so that the pairing is the butt of jokes among friends and family.
Jenny is a slim, lovely woman who has a master’s degree in psychology, and works as the manager of the market research department at a giant food and beverage conglomerate. She
was raised in a family of artists