I was in the Eurostar, getting back from Paris. It has been a long holiday. I stayed two weeks with my family and I was missing Cassius like crazy.

We quickly built our US world together with our own friends. We had our preferred restaurants, our preferred cocktail bars. I hosted a party at his with his family and my two dearest and closest friends. They all loved him.

Cassius and I had our first real getaway together in the Cotswolds, which was beautiful and romantic. I was in heaven with him and the scariest thing was that everything was perfect.

We had a few calls whilst I was in Paris but being with my family is worse than babysitting an infant; they all required my full attention. It was so hard to escape my family’s grip. I could tell, Cassius was annoyed when my sisters, parents, or nieces constantly interrupted our conversation, but he seemed happy that I enjoyed my time with my family.

I was in my Eurostar back to London, and as soon as I crossed the border between France and England, I received a call from Cassius.

“Hi Velvet! How are you?”

“Hello, I am fine, and you?”

“I can’t wait to see you. Are you still in the train now?”

“Yes, I am.”

“What time does it get to London?”

“Around 16:45 I think. Why?”

“Should I come and pick you up? I will have a nice dinner ready for you.”

“Well, I will need to go home first.”

“Why do you need to go home?”

“To rest a little, have a mini nap and…”

“You can do that at mine.”

God, I didn’t really know how to tell him that after being surrounded by all my family, I wanted some time alone. At least one hour. Was it too much to ask?

“I know you probably feel like you want to be on your own now.” This guy was amazing! A real mind reader! But added, “I am being completely selfish now. I’ve been missing you. And I’ll promise, I will leave you alone. I will prepare a hot bath for you and let you relax with magazines whilst I cook us dinner.”

“Very tempting, Amour. You know how to please a woman. But may I let you know?”

“Okay. See you tonight.”

I absolutely needed to go home. I had no makeup, I was dressed like Madonna in Holiday’s video clip (By the way it’s the only video where she’s not sexy), and my hair was a mess, my curls had no definition and looked like overcooked pastas: sluggish, plain, and flat. A few minutes later, Cassius chased me, but I didn’t reply. I would just go home. Period.

When I arrived at Saint Pancras’ Station, I couldn’t stop but laugh when I saw Cassius waiting for me. Well, I knew he’d be here anyway even if I didn’t reply to his texts. Nonetheless, I was happy and jumped on him.

“Oh, God I missed you,” I admitted.

“Not as much as I did,” Cassius bounced back. “Don’t let me wait that long again. It really hurts.”

We kissed passionately and I immediately didn’t regret having him there. I was so happy to see him. My curls would have to wait.

Then, Cassius handled my suitcase to his driver, still loyal to his post, kissed my hand, and we headed to the car. We sat at the back seat with the privacy divider on, and Cassius and I didn’t stop kissing. We missed each other so much. I bet if I’d had a dress, we would have had sex on those back seats.

When we arrived to his flat, the candles and lights were all romantically set. There were amaryllises and sunflowers waiting for me all over. I gave Cassius a big smile. He prepared my bath and my magazines and left me alone for a little while. Then he joined me, massaging my back, and we were kissing again. I knew he was making an effort to leave me alone.

Then, we had dinner and jumped at each other. In fact, I jumped on him. “Cassius, I was dreaming of your penis for days.” He looked at me rather horny, flattered, and enthralled. I took control that night. Oh God, I missed that man…

I woke up that morning with an uncomfortable feeling. I probably had a bad dream but then I realised that at 6am, I was alone in the bed. I knew something was wrong. I started to get the man. Cassius was upset and I could anticipate fire. But why?

I reached the kitchen, spying on him setting up the table for breakfast. I could tell by his body language and abrupt movements that he was getting ready for some serious talk with me. I went back to bed and tried to think very hard of what Cassius could be upset on.

This was probably related to Paris and me being too busy to pick up the phone. Or maybe last night?

Well, I wished I could escape and let him calm down and come later today. But there was no way. I just took my courage in both hands and I got into the kitchen.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,“ he said with a tone that would have dropped the North Pole’s temperature.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, why? Do you have something to tell me?”

“Euuuu, not really. What do you mean?”

“I’m asking if you’ve forgotten to tell me anything.”

“I don’t think so, Cassius.”

“Okay,” he icily responded.

“But you clearly think that I’ve forgotten something...”

“Just asking…”

I hated his short responses and he knew it.

“Why are you up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” he suddenly looked at me with so much love. I was so confused.

“Ok-ay.”

“Yes ok-ay, do you want to eat or drink something?”

“I’ll just go with a coffee, please.”

“Certainly.”

What did I do? Or say??? I thought. I knew I would find out. As Cassius always speaks out when he wants. When he thinks it’s right. I should wait. Though, I was getting very impatient.

After serving my coffee, with a voice full of tension, Cassius started opening up. “Would you live with me?"

Wow, that was unexpected. My heart started pounding so fast; I thought I was having a cardiac arrest. I didn't know what to say and the heavy atmosphere in the room wasn't helping.

I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. But it seemed so important to him that I replied, "I would certainly live with you, Amour.” He smiled.

I added, “Under two conditions." I paused, looking at him very tensed.

“Conditions?” he questioned, clearly anxious.

“First, I just don't want us to ever go to bed angry to each other. We must communicate until the matter is sorted out. I don’t want to be like these couples that hold a grunge on each other and sleep on it. Never ever… Would you promise this? Whatever happens? Even an early flight or an early meeting shouldn’t be a reason to stop sorting things out. U.S. is our priority and should always be over everything else.”

This was the first smile I'd seen on his face that morning.

“I totally agree. The second?” he asked, his eyes full of malice.

“I really want to live with you, Cassius. But I would love to start slowly; like sleeping at yours every other week, for example.”

Cassius stared, took a long breath, clenched his jaw, adding, "It's already what you're doing.”

“No, it's not,” I interrupted.

“Yes, it is. What are you doing now, then?”

“Cassius, I usually sleep at yours 1/2 nights.”

“And how is it different with your every other week?”

“I'll sleep and stay a full week full time with you. Or if you want, I'll stay two weeks and have one week at mine. It's just that...”

“Fine,” Cassius broke in coldly.

I wasn't expecting this at all. And we went quiet. For the first time since we'd been together, I felt really uncomfortable with the silence. I knew Cassius was getting elsewhere.

"Is there something you’re forgetting to tell me?"

Whilst I tranquilly had my coffee on the table, my brain went through a lot of flashback. What could he be possibly being upset about? I’d just come back from Paris; Cassius was all-nice until we had sex. He seemed to enjoy it. But this morning, his mood just switched to the worse.

Now, Cassius totally changed the subject and went:

“We need to go in Paris together.”

At first, I thought, “Need?” But I simply replied, as I could guess this was The sensitive matter.

“Of course, Cassius, I'll be more than happy to introduce you to my little Paris. In fact, I can’t wait for us to go. Next weekend?”

“And meet your parents?”

A mild panic gripped my whole body. I tried my best to make it sound as positive as possible, as I knew I was walking on cracking eggs.

“Well Cassius, I can’t wait to introduce you to my parents but it will have to wait a little bit. For now, my sisters can’t wait to meet you and we could arrange things for next weekend.”

“And could you please give me a valid reason why I can’t meet your parents just right now?”

“Cassius, it has to be very serious between us.”

“Because you think it’s not. We created a world together, Val. US, our relationship is amazing. I am not sure what you are trying to do, but, I won’t let you destroy US. I am not sure what you are looking for. Now, I’m starting to think that I’m not sure I’m the right man for you.”

At the sound of these words, my heart started to shrink.

“That’s not what I meant. What I meant is that I can’t introduce a boyfriend, per se, to my parents. It needs to be more serious than…”

Cassius went mental, exploded, hitting his cup of coffee on the table, which hot drops missed me by a millimetre, and shouted at me. “When are you going to take this relationship seriously, Valérie? Who am I for you? A date? A fling?”

“Are you crazy or what? You almost burnt me with your putain de coffee. You seriously need to calm down Cassius. I am taking this relationship seriously.”

“Oh, no, you are certainly not! You don’t want to live with me, you don’t want to introduce me to your parents and your reason is that our relationship is not serious enough for your parents. I’m looking for a marriage-minded woman, and you don’t seem to have any interest in that…”

“Cassius let me explain. Please, listen to me.”

“Do you love me, Valérie?” He interrupted.

I had now a blockage.

“Did you hear me? Do you love me?” Cassius repeated in desperation.

“I do…” I managed to mumble.

“You do what?”

I froze. Nothing could get out of my mouth. I so wanted to say something. I wished I could, but not a sound was getting out of me. I was looking at him, desperately searching for his understanding.

“And you can’t even say,” Cassius said, his voice full of pain that instantly crushed my heart.

I think I had shy tears coming up off my eyes and managed to mutter, “I swear I do.”

“I don’t think you understand how much I love you. How much I want to be with you and spend the rest of my life with you. Why did you put us into this, if you didn’t seriously think of this too? I feel like you gave me everything and you are taking it back from me now. I thought we wanted the same things, Valérie.”

“I do, Cassius.”

“Oh, for god’s sake, stop saying I do every time!” he shouted.

The room went all-quiet.

“I think I should go, Cassius.”

“What? We haven’t finished to talk,” he yelled.

I walked towards his room to get my suitcase.

“Val, you can’t just walk away. We are two in this relationship! It’s not only about you, or me, it’s about us. What is good for us? We were supposed to be a team and to communicate.”

“Cassius, I just need a small break.”

“But I love you.”

“I do too,” I implored him to believe me.

“Then for God’s sake, say it!” Cassius shouted, shaking my whole body.

“Say it now! I do is not enough Valérie. Say it! Open up!”

“Why do you always have to push me?” I was mad with fury now.

“Push you???”

“Yes, you always want to push me, Cassius. Or force me whatever word you want to use! You forced our first date, you forced me to break up with Faisal in five seconds whilst I really appreciated the guy and wanted him as a friend. Now you’re pushing me to live with you, to introduce my parents to you, and to tell that I love you!?!?! Why do I always have to listen to you, why can’t I make it on my own terms and timing?”

“I just want to...”

“Well, today you decided that at 6h51 in the morning on Saturday 15^th of July I should say that I love you. Again, an order! It’s not all about you Cassius, as you said. It’s also about me and us! I want to do things on my own pace and staying here with you pushing me to say these words won’t help!”

Seeing his face in so much pain made me lower my voice and calm down. I just muttered, “I think I should go home before we hurt each other too much.”

“Are you telling me you never wanted any of these things…? You wanted to stay with that Faisal? You didn’t like our first date?”

“That is not what I said.”

“Oh yes, that is exactly what you said.”

“Look, you don’t listen. I am gone now. I think we should talk about it later today when our hearts calm down …”

I left the bedroom and went to his hallway to get my suitcase and go. But Cassius grabbed my hand and backed me up against the wall and he said challengingly, “Do you know how many women out there would love to be with me right now?”

“Well, why don’t you marry one of them and I’ll marry that Faisal in this case. Hum?”

Cassius’s face was murderous; he hit the wall with such a force that his Banksy fell on the floor.

Our hearts were emotional messes. It had to stop. We both needed a break from this shit before it went too far. I freed myself from his hands. Weakened by what I’d just said, Cassius could only add, “You’re not going anywhere. We need to finish this talk.”

“Cassius, not under these conditions. I really don’t feel well.”

“Valérie, you’re not leaving.”

I just couldn’t, I couldn’t stay. I wanted to cry, to punch him, to slap myself. My brain was seriously damaged. I needed to process what had just happened.

“I am sorry, I can’t and don’t want to talk right now. Please, Cassius.”

“This is complete nonsense. You’re just finding a way to escape. Why is it so hard for you to express your feelings?”

I was ready to go. The flat went all-quiet. Cassius was just looking at me with tears locked in his eyes.

I headed towards the door and this is when he told me, “It’s now or never.”

“What?”

He added, voice full of pain, a pain that I could sense all through my body. “If you don’t want to talk right now. Don’t ever come back here. You need to move in or move on, and there won’t be any other chance.”

I was shocked; his words were excruciatingly painful.

I dropped my bag and went towards him, pointing him with raising my right eyebrow. “You’re blackmailing me! Again Cassius, you are pushing me.”

He didn’t reply, challenging me by the eye. I left his flat, banging the door, yelling, “Voilà, I am gone!” I think I heard him groaning but maybe it was just my imagination.

I ran as fast as I could, I got into a cab, put my sunglasses on to hide my tears.

At home, I checked my phone. Cassius didn’t call. I went back to sleep and cried for the rest of the day, switching off any sort of communication whatsoever.

I couldn’t believe that I failed U.S and myself. What was wrong with me?