Awake: An Inner Autobiography by J - HTML preview

THE INTIMATION

Have you ever had an experience – one shocking bewildering and unreal – at times frightening, at times beautiful mysterious and profound – an experience that took you outside of the perceptions, awareness and mind that you thought was the totality of reality and you received a glimpse – as if a gate, a door had been opened – of a reality beyond?

A glimpse that left you with more questions than fears, sneaking upon you surprisingly like the first glances and stirrings of love, or dazed and bewildered and elated like a sudden kiss from a stranger?

What just happened there?

What is going on?

There is more to my reality, my life, my mind …

than this?

You must have.

For that is what happened to the form writing these words – and on one level - a truer level of self and reality - you are me - and the reverse is true as well.

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My first intimation occurred at the end of high school where the once scholastically gifted and artistically prodigal child was now wandering amongst the wastes of rebellion and chaos, blindly thrashing against the bars and walls of the prison that I had found myself within and without, acting under the delusion that I could free myself, ease my suffering by causing suffering to others, ignorant that these apparently objective and external beings that I was hurting was actually myself.

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It was during a night no different than the others of that small town summer - the usual cruising windows down tires spinning out adolescent energy. Desires simple vital and primal.

Ending up at a party at a decrepit and hot summer night sweating and seething desires motel, my friend and I went for a walk aimless to nowhere, just out of that claustrophobic box of sinister laughing and bickering animals and into the natural expanse of night, that escape from constriction and contraction that always feels so good, such a relief.

Summer night air on skin that hadn't felt like that before, or at least for a very long time, forgotten.

Gorgeous golden electric energy of the senses.

Negative blind sleepwalking complexes loosen, undo.

Night sky of perfect stars and an infinite space of black that is somehow glowing, as if it was radiating an inherent luminosity, impossibly.

Amazing.

For the first time in a long time I really felt really happy and free to be alive.

I didn't ever want to return.

But it is the nature of The Intimation for it to be just a glimpse, just a taste of another reality than the one you think is absolute, singular.

The return back to a self now a prison, the plans for an escape began.

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