Awake: An Inner Autobiography by J - HTML preview

THE INITIATION

It was my first year away from home, away from the gaze of surveillance that observed through the eye mediums of my family, in my own space finally to explore experiment and expand hopefully something outside of the inevitable destiny of birth school work family death, the only narrative available to humans on this planet in the middle of infinite space, a green and blue swirl miracle of odds impossible life, the makeshift laboratory a teetering crumbling house built during the time when the combined actions of millions of sleepwalking organisms emerged as a dark flowering of bombs blood and fire.

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The ground rules were set. No one answered the phone, no one answered the door, no one went anywhere until the experiment had concluded.

So K and G and I sat and waited sitting on the old unwanted furniture of parents, among the piles of empty junk food boxes and bags, books and magazines, clothes and backpacks and dirty dishes.

And waited.

Until control began to be lost.

The first chemically warm flush of growing electricity.

The room. Everything. What was once dead now came to life. The formerly inanimate now breathing like your lungs, beating like your heart, pulsing like the vein on your neck.

Like a light with no earthly source was turned on.

Lightening of spirit, lightening of sleepwalking burdens throwing into relief the unconscious chronic low level subawareness black cloud depression that passes for personality reality for the humans at this moment in space-time.

But the situation does not seem disturbing but ridiculous, absurd, hilarious.

Laughter at the whole ridiculous and absurd game. At all the time spent dedicated wasted feeding being dominated by that black iron prison of negative emotion, that black iron prison that is just an illusion.

Can't stop laughing.

Laughter coming from some zero point source inside, its energy working through every cell of my being.

Can’t stop laughing at G panicking about the inevitability of losing control, ridiculously and absurdly trying to hold on to his comfortable mindless routines.

Why are you trying to make something to eat? There is no way you can be hungry right now!

K and I laughed some more.

Trying to maintain that game, so transparent, so ridiculous, so absurd.

Just give it up already.

Just give it up.

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The bathroom tile floor - now hypnotic mesmerizing layered arabesques shifting – ancient –

familiar – eternal – amazing.

K wakes me up from my trance. Reminds me where I am. Leads me out of there.

I lay down on the bed in the living room.

Music loud. Pounding.

Time slows.

The doors, the walls, the door frames vibrating with some kind of energy.

This is where language fails.

Where I was taken outside of that False Self that I thought I was.

And was initiated into another reality whose existence I had not even conceived of in this rational mechanical world where all was apparently known, which was deprived of all mystery.

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K and G and I sat around in the afterglow of the aftermath. Healed. Peaceful. Golden.

This is how Jesus must have felt.

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