FORTY SIX
As she was going through her work next morning, the receptionist called her on her extension.
“There's a call for you, someone had been desperately trying to reach you in the past few days,” she told Maya.
“Hi!” the familiar voice said. It was Raghu, she realizsd glumly.
“Where had you been? I knew you would come back. How are you?” he sounded excited. “I'm alright,” she said.
“When can I see you?” he asked, not stopping to wonder if she wanted to meet him. But that was how he was. Sensitivity was hardly his strong point.
She did not want to see him, but that was not what she said. “I'll be home after seven,” she said. “Alright, I'll see you then,” he said. Maya went numb. She was getting into quicksand, again. He was already waiting for her when she reached her flat.
He looked handsome as ever and had a bunch of red roses in his hand which he gave her. She smiled, but feebly.
“Where were you?” he asked as she opened the door and they went in.
“I was in Delhi,” she said, putting her bag down on the table.
“I know that. Why were you avoiding me?”
“I was not avoiding you or anyone else,” she said, wanting him to sense that she was not obliged to answer him.
He passed her and made himself comfortable on the chair lying next to her bed. “You don't seem to be happy to see me?” he said. Should I be? she asked herself.
He continued. “How many times should I tell you that I love you? Just because I got angry at your classmate, you disappeared. You didn't even bother to answer my calls.”
“It was not that. I was busy. Besides, I don't like the way you sometimes behave, Raghu,” she said.
“Why don't you come and stay with me. Why waste money on this flat,” he said getting up from the chair. Subtlety would never be his strong point, she thought.
“No,” she said spontaneously.
“Why do you want to get obliged to someone when I'm there for you?” he pressed on.
“There's no obligation. Besides, I want some space of my own. I'm not sure if I want to move in with you,” she said.
“What do you mean you aren't sure? What's the damn problem? You fucking women talk whatever you feel like, these days,” he sneered. This was getting out of hand as usual, she thought.
“Baby, it's my job to take care of you. Why don't you understand?”
“Raghu, I want to do so myself!”
“God! It's so difficult to explain things to you. Don't you want a husband and children and live in peace?” His was a one track mind, if ever there was one.
“That's not the only thing I want from life,” she said, defensively.
“What else do you want, you fucking whore?” he shouted, losing his cool. She wanted to slap him for his filthy language. “Raghu, please stop it. You're getting abusive as usual. This is exactly what I don't like about you. You have absolutely no concern for anyone else's feelings. For you it's all I, me, myself!” she said. When she spoke her view, it ended up upsetting him further.
“I just don't understand what you bitches want,” he said, half in anger and half in defeat. But his rage was back. He grabbed hold of her hand tightly.
“Let me go, Raghu. It hurts,” she said, crying.
“Don't you think you will get away from me easily, you bitch? I'll spoil your life. I'll kill you and I mean it,” he said, his eyes glinting with fury. She started sobbing.
“Don't shed these crocodile tears on me, you whore. I should not have come over to see you,' he said, and suddenly slapped her hard. He slapped her with such force that she fell down on the floor.
“No one invited you here,” she said, picking herself up from the floor, her misery venting itself in words.
He looked at her for a minute or two, kicked the chair aside and walked out of the flat, banging the door hard behind him. She got up and quickly latched the door, afraid that he would come in again and beat her.
She had a colleague, Esha Natarajan, who used to be beaten up and abused, she remembered her.
It was on a trip to Kolkata that she and this colleague shared a hotel room. After the day's work was over, they had come back to the room. Maya had a bath and was flipping through a book, her colleague had more than two cups of beverages, she noticed.
It seemed like she was crying quietly as she drank, Maya thought. Though they weren't familiar enough, Maya went over to her. Yes, she was crying. Maya took the glass of vodka away and led her to the bed.
“Can you sit with me for some time?” she asked Maya hopefully.
“Yes, of course,” she replied.
“Have you ever felt love?” she asked Maya. Maya nodded circumspectly.
“Do you know why we need to be loved, Maya? Why we all are so lost? Maybe I'll explain it to you,” she looked enquiringly at Maya.
Everyone has a theory, Maya thought, as she nodded for her to go on. She would have gone on anyway, perhaps.
“Once upon a time we humans were very powerful. We were self-dependent. Each human being had two sexes within. We had two set of arms and legs. Two faces. We were complete, needing nothing. We could procreate on our own. Then one day our strength and defiance started bothering the Gods. They got Zeus to send down a thunderbolt that split all of us into half. Our belly buttons are a reminder of that split. From then on, we have been incomplete. That's why we go in search of love,” she said.
What her colleague had said that day came back to her. It was a frightening truth. Maya always thought Esha was a strong and intelligent woman. Had she been right? Well, who could tell!
She knew however that men found a strong-willed woman to be threatening. That was why Raghu bombarded her home. For he knew that she could live without him. That hollowed out him from the inside.
The simple fact that love meant sharing, not possessing, could never occur to such a person no matter how long he lived, she thought. What a waste, what an absolute waste. She felt pity for Raghu, not anger.
Love cannot be possessed. When possession enters, love will fly out of the window.
She went to her kitchen and made a cup of noodles for herself. She would have preferred rice and dal,but what the hell, she thought. She felt quite a bit stronger today.