FORTY FIVE
“Maya, did you see what I'm knitting,” Mrs Dewan asked, showing her a lovely little blue coloured pair of socks. Maya's absence seemed to have cheered her up enough to make her fond of her. “They're nice.”
“This is a gift for your son,” she said looking up at Maya with a smile.
Maya felt a stab at her heart. This was going to make it harder.
“I've decided to end my marriage,” she said.
'What? What did you say, Maya?”
“I said I'm putting an end to my marriage,” she replied stubbornly. God knew where she got the strength to say so.
It needs a lot of strength to fail your parents. They need a lot more strength too, to see you fail. “Does your father know?” her stepmother asked. “Don't give up, Maya beta. All marriages go through ups and downs. Hum bhi to reh rahe hain,” she continued. “Mom, please understand. I can't live a loveless life,” she said, and went into the bathroom, not wanting to prolong the conversation or get into an argument.
Her stepmother called out after her. “What's love? There's no such thing. You think someone will come in your life and fill it with love. Take life as it is. That's it. Leave all this nonsense about love! Do you think there is loads of love in our lives?”
As Maya shut the bathroom door, her stepmother's voice trailed away. Maya thought for a moment how right her stepmother was. There was practically no love in her life. Post getting dumped by the first husband she was forced to live her life with a man, fighting with him and bringing up his child. She had to cook, look after the house. And then there were the endless chores. Maya noticed her pale skin. She had developed under eye dark circles that made her look even older than she was. She had no time for love.
She wondered whether women like her would have even experienced love even once in life. They might get tempted to follow their hearts once in a while, but they kill the voice in order to maintain their moral identity. They invest so much in the family and children that their own dreams are replaced by some underlying frustrations. Ironically, they end up smothering the ones they love.
When Maya came out, she locked herself up in the bedroom because she wanted to avoid talking to her stepmother. She lay down on the once familiar bed. It was as if the bed and the pillow recognized her, as if they were old friends. Maya fell asleep.
She did not know how long she slept. A knock on the bedroom door awakened her. It was her father. This was the moment Maya dreaded. But may God bless him a million times. His eyes radiated kindness as she ran to him and flung himself into his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. He patted her on her head, holding her tightly as her body was racked by her sobs. He was comforting her, though he probably was the one more in need of comforting.
“What is it, beta? Your mother was telling me about the conversation you had with her. Whatever it is, don't worry!”
She did not know how to start. Mentally she thanked her stepmother for breaking the news to her father. She herself would just not have known how to break it to him. She just wanted to hug him and cry. She remembered the times when he would come back home exhausted from the day's work. They would either play chess or carrom board together. He would silently let Maya win. In surrendering, he taught her the greatest lesson of love.
“Tell me, beta. What is it?”
This man must be the nearest thing to God, she felt.
“I don't love him anymore, papa,” she said, the tears rolled down her cheeks. He sighed.
“You don't get everything in life, Maya.”
“What's everything, papa? What's a life without someone wanting you to be there?”
He and his daughter shared a bond that ran deep in both of them. Neither of them had anyone, but each other.
“Take it easy, Maya. I understand what you're going through. You don't have to spell it out to me, Maya. This life is a puzzle, darling. You have to fight your inner demons and solve your own for yourself.” His eyes were moist. At times it gets difficult to offer advice to someone we love dearly.
And what I could tell her that will comfort her, he thought, helplessly. Maya couldn't resist the thought that she had let her father down badly. Her presence now heightened his helplessness, his sadness, she thought. Her stepmother came in.
“What are you going to do now, Maya? What will we tell our neighbours?” she asked, looking at her husband all the while.
“Don't worry, mom. I'm not going to stay here,” she replied.
“What do you mean? This is your house, you can stay here forever,” her father told Maya. 'The neighbours can go to hell,” he roared at his wife.
“It's ok Papa. It does not matter,” she tried to pacify him.
“Why would it matter? Your dad only has spoilt you. You never bother about me. My feelings never mattered. I have wasted my life taking care ofa child like you,” she said with tears in her eyes. “Don't you two get it that I am also a part of this family.”
Suddenly the woman in Maya felt bad for this woman standing in front of her. They never connected as their dreams, aspirations were opposite to each other's. Yet Maya realised that holding on to the family was her biggest goal and sadly that too was broken. For the first time she connected with her as a woman. Two Women with broken hearts and broken dreams. Her father turned to her.
“Maya, think carefully about whatever it is that you want to do. It isn't the easiest thing in our society for a woman to live alone after separating from her husband. I suggest you think it over again. But no matter what you decide, I will always be on your side. I have no one else to live for,” he said, the tears finally broke through the dam he was desperately building.
Father and daughter sobbed, clinging to each other, like two abandoned children.
Maya told him about the job she had in Mumbai and that she'd like to go there and work for now, to divert her mind off other things. Mr. Dewan, who had never opposed his daughter, only asked her to be careful. They did not discuss the issue again that day.
The next morning after breakfast, she called Aditya. She had decided to go back to Mumbai, where she had been transferred, she told her dad. “I need the flat back, Adi,” she said.
“Are you mad? Are you going back to that demon?” he asked, thinking that she intended to reunite with Raghu. But she had forgotten about Raghu in the last couple of days.
It's a good thing that she didn't put in her papers, she thought. She had said that she urgently needed to go to Delhi for a couple of days. Thank God for small mercies, she thought.
She had forgotten about Raghu all this while. What would have happened to him? He would have gone mad trying her old number and checking on her flat hundred times by now. Was she ready to face him again? Was she ready to take that shit again?
“No, Adi. I'm not that mad to reunite with him. I need a place to live, that's all. And as you know, I can't really afford to have a place of my own now!”
Aditya agreed she could have the flat back on condition that she would not see Raghu ever again. She agreed to because she had already decided to do that.
She called Vikram then and told him she was coming to his house.
She packed her luggage and took leave of her parents. Her father could hardly bear to see her go, but departures seem to have a degree of inevitability about them. This is a piece of my heart, he told himself helplessly, as she took leave of her stepmother. He called Maya by name and hugged her, crying like a child. It was her turn to comfort him. Then as she left, he watched on, feeling orphaned.
As he looked on, Maya calledan auto rickshaw and put her luggage in. She boarded it and smoothing out her dress unconsciously as women ought to do, turned to wave at her father. But he had turned away, unable to take it anymore, and was limping back to the house, as if hewas a man who had lost his last bet. Maya's heart bled a tear. She remembered all those days when he had brought smiles to her sad days. She missed how he had comforted her when nights got scary. It was better when he was just around. She wanted to get off and run to him. All along the way to Vikram's house, she sobbed silently, feeling for the old man, her great and helpless father.
Vikram was standing outside his house as the auto stopped. He expressed his happiness seeing her.
“Hi!” she sounded chirpy. It took an effort, but was worth it, she thought.
“You look happy,” he chuckled as they went in.
“I've decided to take charge of my life,” she told him.
It was if she was declaring war against the world, he thought to himself, smiling at the thought. “And if I may ask, how did this realisation happen so suddenly?”
“I don't know for sure. I think it was when I saw the misery in my father's eyes, I decided I can't allow him to fail,” she said.
Vikram could see the spunk returning to the girl. Yesterday, she had been whimpering through the day. But that was yesterday, he said to himself, shaking his head.
This is what he liked about her. She wouldn't take no for an answer. Knock her down and she'll get up each time. Maya was a fighter.
“I have decided to go to Mumbai.”
He felt a pinch. He thought she would stay in Delhi.
“Why would you want to go back?”
“I have to sort things out. I am not sure how I can do it living here.
There would be too many complications.”
“Do you want to go back to Raghu?”
“Are you out of your mind?” she hissed.
He felt a sense of relief. She told him that Kartik had called her in the morning to speak about their marriage that was falling apart. Kartik had also said he was willing to let bygones be bygones if she would behave in the future.
“Do you think I ought to give it a chance?” she asked Vikram.
“You have to take that call,” he said.
“I don't think it will work out,” she declared.
“Why do you think of making it work then?”
“I feel a sense of guilt for having cheated on him.”
“So? You want to live with him because of your feeling of guilt? How stupid can you be?” he asked incredulously. “Besides, Maya, what is cheating. It's as bad as you make it feel. Most of the times when people cheat they are actually looking for some relief. We all are so alone in our journey of life. We are made to believe the rosy side of love that lasts forever through movies, songs and fairy tales. It isn't so easy Maya. People around us are working hard to cling on to their marriages after a couple of years. The feeling of boredom, routine weighs them down, but society does not let them break the rules. Love is life. It needs fresh oxygen every moment. Human beings are so sad. They are so confused. They don't know which way to follow. They are trapped. Society has given them a rule book to follow and you can't imagine the kind of boredom that it has set in.”
“What if he actually loves me? I'm confused,” she said.
“Maya, love is never confused. Love makes its presence felt. I am not saying whether he loves you or not. All I'm saying is that where there is love, there are no ifs.” She nodded.
“Do you thinkhe loves you?” Vikram asked, afraid of her reply.
“I don't think so. I did love him, but I don't love him anymore, I guess,” she said, to his great relief.
“Maya, I believe that when two people want to be with each other it is natural. We are all human beings who are equals. Killing or using force on someone for anything is breaking the basis of trust in each other. Besides, you ought not take what you cannot return. If you cannot return a person's self-respect or a person's life, you have no right to take it from him.”
She was listening to his every word. She was astounded at his clarity of thought.
“You and Kartik need to introspect. Are you two in a relationship wherein you have respect for each other? Or is it a dead relationship whose corpse you two are carrying? Remember that with time, dead bodies only get heavier!”
She thought about it. Was the relationship really dead? If it was, there was no point carrying on with it?
“How do I know if it's all over between Kartik and me or if there is chance?” she asked him.
“No one else can tell you this, Maya. This is an insight which you have to find out by yourself. Follow your heart. All I can tell you is not to worry about making mistakes. Nothing in this world is perfect. But some choices come with accompaniments. Life offers you packages. Making choice is always difficult. I will frame a simple example for you. Imagine you have to choose between two packs. One that has bread and butter and the other has roti dal. You cannot have the bread with dal or rotis with butter. That's how it is, no more, no less.”
“Hmmm,” she said, listening intently.
“Make a choice and think about its repercussions logically. Then be prepared to face these repercussions happily as it was your choice after all. Even if it goes wrong you can still learn from it and evolve. Don't get scared of making mistakes. Mistakes are the lessons that the universe has carved for us.”
“It sounds so simple, but then why does it get so difficult to make a choice then?”
“We all want the best for ourselves. Then we let our egos and our greed come in the way. We fear failures and mistakes. We are not bothered if our choices are bad for others or not. All we seek is that it should not hurt us. The fear of walking out of one's comfort zone is what stops us from listening to our hearts. All choices have advantages and disadvantages built into them,but we do not acknowledge. We seek pleasure, not contentment. That makes us restless as our search for pleasure is endless. Restlessness gives birth to more frustrations which then leads to fear. This is the fear that makes it difficult for us to make choices clearly!”
“I don't think Kartik loves me,” she heard herself telling him. “I can't figure out about what he thinks about us?” At that instant she thought of how loveless her heart felt as she thought about Kartik.
“All of us believe in our own ways of thinking, but this is not bad. Nothing in this world is absolute truth or absolute false. Everything overlaps. The way night overlaps morning,summer overlaps spring. The problem arises when we discard the sensitivities of others. It is you who has to find a way for yourself. You have to figure out a road you believe in. It does not matter how many people walk on that road. What matters is what you feel while walking on it. It might not be an accepted path, but remember that it is your road, your way to yourself. Don't let the path choose you, find your own path.”
He was right, as usual. She thought,hers' had not been the road under the shade of a tree , but it was her own road. That made her less guilty and almost relieved. At least she was not one of those men and women who suffer in silence in the name of love. They think marriage is going to give it permanence and when it does not happen they go ahead and have children. They think children will make it rosy and then they realise that it still is as frustrating as it was. They cheat and try and figure out other ways of distressing themselves. They justify cheating as a way to revive their dying relationships. In that moment her heart warmed up towards the man sitting in front of her. It felt like music melting in her blood drop by drop. He was her guide her spiritual master and all other faces in her life were fading in his shadow.
“Are you sure you want to go to Mumbai,” he asked, not without a little hope left.
“Yes,” she said, just as he had expected.
“I think I must leave now, Vikram. Thank you for everything from the bottom of my heart.” She hugged him, declining his offer of lunch. She had taken so much from him already, she felt.
She had lunch with Aditya, after which he dropped her at the railway station. On the way they shared a smoke and remembered the nostalgic old days.
“I hope you're not going back to that wretch, Raghu,” he said, in earnest.
“I need to go back, not to be with him again, but to sort myself out. I want to find the meaning of my life,” she said.
“What?” Aditya said, his mouth open. He looked at her as if she had gone mad. Find meaning, indeed. Thatwas the last thing on his mind, anyway. Some people just don't get it, he thought, feeling pity for Maya. “Meaning of life,” he repeated with sarcasm, “Why don't you join some ashram.”
“One day I will. I will make you my disciple,” she teased him.
“I will be your doctor. You would need treatment.” They laughed together. The sound of her laughter was also not the same. It felt empty. It was as if her loneliness had become the only thing that was alive in her body.
“You've changed a lot from our college days, Maya,” he said with a trace of nostalgia in his tone.
“Have I?” she said laughing. They shared an ability to laugh together at the silliest of things.
“You remember how full of life you were then. How we used to bunk classes, get piles of fake medical certificates.”
“Yeah, I do,” she smiled,“Also I remember that slap you got from that NRI chic in college.”
“Huh. Remember one day,your dad caught you smoking.”
“Whoa, that was bad. Remember your mom caught you watching porn.”
They laughed till her eyes were little damp.
“Those days passed by fast Adi.”
“Yes, but your spirit should not weaken Maya. Catch hold of yourself.”
She just smiled and a heavy sadness passed through her eyes.
“Remember, I will be there whenever you need me.”
“You are a sweetheart Adi,” she said with a pressed smile.
“By the way what happened to that friend of yours, that boring girl we met while you were in Delhi?
“Who Adi, I will have to press my search button for you.”
“Arey!That pretty chic , wearing a backless top. The one, who had lost her iPhone.” Maggie laughed as she realised who he was talking about.
“Reva.”
“Yeah!”
“Oh, she has got a job”
“Everybody wants to earn money,” he smiled.
“Not everyone is lucky to have inherited it like you.”
“Tell her to join me. I would make her rich.”
“Huh and then dump her to spend the money on someone else.”
“Who gave her a job?”
“Daniel Publishers. Now go trace her.”
“Ah ha, that's neat,” he grinned.
Reva and hers was a perfect friendship. They were never actually out of touch. It was just that sometimes, time intervals were unusually longer. Their ability to pick exactly from where they left was the salt of their friendship.
Once in the train she picked up the day's newspaper. The same horrible stories, filled the pages. The same news: politicians' involvement in scams, an actor's rehabilitation, match-fixing in cricket.Well, what's the point in reading the newspaper?She asked herself. If you wanted to get depressed, you could do it on your own, she chuckled to herself. Besides, it's cheaper!
When she reached Mumbai the next day, she wondered if she had made the right decision to come back to Aditya's flat. After all, Raghu knew this place. Maybe she should have opted for a working woman's hostel, she thought. Back in the apartment, she opened the windows and let the breeze come in. As she did so, she saw the cemetery. She had forgotten about it. Not to worry, all of us will be there sooner or later she thought.Not much point thinking like this, she thought. Mayadecided to order some food, have it and go to sleep.