Narragansett Pier After Midnight by Edward Drobinski - HTML preview

Missah Binny

Karl and Ernst logged onto a podcast platform, and perhaps out of a desire to escape the present searched for a random 1930’s radio broadcast, not knowing any in particular. They heard:

“Live from beautiful downtown Pomona we bring you ‘The Grape Nuts Flakes Program,’ starring Jack Benny and Rochester.”

The audience applauded.

Jack Benny: “Rochester! Rochester! Where are you? Have you been sleeping on the job again?”

Rochester: “No suh, Missah Binny. ....... Ah means yassuh Missah Binny. ...... Ah means ah dunno.”

The audience laughed.

Jack Benny: “Rochester. Let me make this simple. Why hasn’t the car been washed and polished?”

Rochester: “Missah Binny, ah jus did dat las munt. Ah gots too menny jobs aroun heah now.”

The audience applauded and laughed.

Jack Benny: “Well, all right then. I have an important appointment soon. Just polish my shoes.”

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Rochester: “Yassuh, Missah Binny. Yassuh. Ah jus luvs dat polishin. Mmmmnnn. Mmmmnnn. Mmmmnnn.”

The audience laughed.

Jack Benny: “After that you can wash the car.”

Rochester: “Ooooh, Missah Binny. Yu be one mean man. I’s so tard, yu workin’ me so hahd.”

Jack Benny: “Have you been eating your Grape Nuts Flakes?”

Rochester: “No suh, Missah Binny. I’s gots no tahm fo brekfas wid all dese jobs.”

Jack Benny: “Rochester; it’s not the jobs; it’s that you lack the energy to do them.”

Rochester: “Ah doan know, Missah Binny. Ah be ow rite wid dese shoes heah. Mmmmnnn. Mmmmnnn. Mmmmnnn. Ah jus luvs dat polishin.

Smell be so good.”

The audience laughed.

Jack Benny: “Rochester, life is not all fun and games. There is work to be done. Stop that shining for a minute and eat some of these Grape Nuts Flakes.”

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Rochester, as he eats: “Mmmmnnn. Mmmmnnn. Mmmmnnn. Yassuh, Missah Binny. Yu What peeples be so smart. Taste so good, an ahm reddy to woik all day. Mmmmnnn. Mmmmnnn. Mmmmnnn.”

The audience cheered.

Jack Benny: “Take it from Rochester. No, don’t take it from Rochester. Get your own. Just like Rochester, you good folks out there in radio land can fuel your day with Grape-Nuts Flakes cereal. The delicious whole grain goodness has been converted into lightly crispy flakes. They're the perfect jump start for the healthy, active day ahead. These wholesome flakes are a good source of fiber. Ninety percent of users surveyed report doing daily poops. It’s heart healthy. The diet is low in saturated fat and cholesterol, and as low as possible in trans fat. Not one case of a heart attack has been reported while eating Grape Nuts Flakes. This delicious cereal is full of the good stuff you love, with no artificial colors or flavors. Grape Nuts Flakes are a good source of eleven essential vitamins and minerals, a satisfying cereal that is high in iron and folate. So, what are you waiting for? Go out and get your own Grape Nuts Flakes right now. ........ Errr, I mean when the show is over.”

The audience laughed and applauded, though it seemed as if that their heart was not in it.

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Rochester: “Missah Binny. It be seem lahk da audience need some Grape Nuts Flakes, too.”

Jack Benny: “Raht you beez, Missah Rochester.”

The audience laughed.

Rochester: “Hey, Missah Binny. Doan yu be stealin’ my stuff.”

Jack Benny: “I’m a comedian. You know that. That’s what we do, silly boy.”

Rochester: “Yu be breakin’ da low, bose.”

Jack Benny: “Who cares?”

The audience applauded and laughed.

The podcast ended what seemed rather abruptly right there, not at all what Karl and Ernst ignorantly expected from their lack of knowledge about America’s first depression era.

Karl: “You think the censors got them?”

Ernst: “Nah, censors didn’t appear until the internet.”

Karl: “Hitler wasn’t censored?”

Ernst: “Who?”

Karl: “Go ahead and play stupid.”

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Ernst: “I’m not playing.”

Karl: “You’re only a year younger than me. I can see that the dumbing down process has been recently accelerated.”

Ernst: “Eat my shorts. More darkies every year. What do you expect?”

Karl: “It is official. If someone says nigger and/or jew it will be ‘news’ in all of its ramifications for more than a month, in an attempt to make sure that it is safe for everyone to be horrified at the ‘deplorable’ act of nazism. But say that darkies are being allowed to attack and kill Whites or that Hitler had a point or two, and the result is complete silence, much like Bergman’s depiction of God.”

Ernst: “Peter Bergman?”

Karl: “Yeah, right.”

Karl searched the internet for information about Jack Benny, and came up with the following which he found most relevant.

Jack Benny: The Radio Show

Jack benny was called “Mister Radio,” and was the original “King of All Media.” The world's oldest thirty-nine year old was quite

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possibly the person most associated with the golden age of radio.

Jack Benny, born in 1894, grew up in Waukegan, Illinois, the town he made famous in countless routines. At age six he began studying the violin, and in 1911, at age 17, Benny began his career playing the violin on the vaudeville stage. His violin would serve him well throughout his career, becoming one of the most iconic props in comedy.

After more than two decades in vaudeville that included several name changes, refinements to both his act and character, a stint in the US Navy during WWI, and marriage to Sadie Marks, better known as Mary Livingstone, Benjamin Kubelsky settled on the name and persona of Jack Benny, and decided that the time was right to move into the new medium of radio.

In 1932, Benny made his first brief appearances on radio.

Proving to be a natural personality for the new medium, at age thirty-eight he was awarded his own show on the NBC Blue Network. Jack Benny would celebrate his thirty-ninth birthday on the air, and because according to Jack; "There's nothing funny about forty," would go on to celebrate his thirty-ninth birthday forty-one more times throughout his life.

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“The Jack Benny Show” was actually many different shows, each named for its respective sponsor. At various times, Benny's radio program was known as “The Canada Dry Program,” “The Chevrolet Program,” “The General Tire Revue,” “The Jell-O

Program,” “The Grape Nuts Flakes Program,” and “The Lucky Strike Program.” Despite the name changes, the show and cast went largely unchanged throughout the years. The many forms of “The Jack Benny Show” would remain on radio for more than two decades.

The cast was led, of course, by Jack Benny as the well-known everyman with many comic foibles, including gently exaggerated vanity, pettiness, self-importance, and the ability to squeeze more out of a penny than any man alive. Appearing with Benny in these programs were Eddie Anderson as his valet “Rochester,” who knows him better than anyone and regularly plays on Jack's vanity; Mary Livingstone, his wise cracking secretary and provider of a uniquely female perspective on Jack's peculiarities, and his real life wife for 47 years; Dennis Day, the naive and sheltered singer; Phil Harris, a hard drinking bandleader and hipster son of the south; Don Wilson, the rotund announcer and the target of many of Jack's barbs; and voice actor extraordinaire Mel Blanc as just about every character

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imaginable, including Polly the Parrot and Benny's sputtering Maxwell automobile.

Like many of the major stars of this era of radio, Jack Benny remained in firm control of the many programs that bore his name. Although not credited as such, he was both director and head writer of all of his series. This did not mean that he was a tyrant of his productions, rather he was very generous in valuing both his writers and his cast, most of whom were with him until the end of his radio career. This generosity extended to allowing cast members and guest stars to have the best lines.

Jack often said that it didn't matter who got the laughs, as long as the show was funny.

This firm control even extended to the commercial breaks on his programs. On “The Lucky Strike Program,” for example, Jack would

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allow the advertisers to write the opening and closing spots, but insisted that his own writers be the ones to write the middle commercial, leading to many of the program's best segments.

Jack Benny’s overall approach was quite innovative despite being post-modern as it took as its premise from characters on a reality radio show, which in itself is a form of fiction posing as truth. He spins that story with vivid and overpowering sensory images, delves deep into the psyche of the protagonist, and leaves the listener laughing while contemplating life meanings and how one sees oneself. Besides appearing in his own series, Jack Benny was a much sought after guest on other radio shows. He made many appearances on such popular anthology programs as “The Screen Guild Theater,” “Lux Radio Theater,” and

“Suspense,” and even recreated his “The Horn Blows at Midnight,”

a better story than he ever let on, on “Ford Theater.”

Some of Jack's most notorious appearances were in name only, on

“The Fred Allen Show.” Jack Benny and Fred Allen had a feud that ran for almost two decades, each star mercilessly taunting the other on the air. In reality, this was for comedic purposes only; off air Benny and Allen were friends with the utmost mutual respect.

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In his private life, Jack Benny could not have been any more the opposite of his on air persona. He was a generous, thoughtful man. It didn’t take the passage of the Civil Rights Act, and the establishment of the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission for him to hire a coon.

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