THE GOOD GIRL IS TIRED by Fortune Stanley - HTML preview

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CHAPTER ONE

THE GOOD GIRL TRAINING

You Learned It Before You Knew You Were Learning It Long before a woman starts dating, working, getting married or raising children, she is already being taught what kind of woman she is supposed to become.

The lessons usually do not arrive as formal instructions.

They happen in ordinary moments.

A little girl watches her mother serve everybody before serving herself.

She watches her father sit down while her mother moves around the house.

She watches her brothers receive certain freedoms that she does not have.

She hears her aunties discuss the behaviour of other women.

She watches what happens when a woman refuses something.

She notices which women are praised and which women are criticised.

Nobody needs to sit her down and say, "This is what a woman must be."

She is watching.

She is listening.

She is learning.

"Go and help your mother."

"Don't answer me."

"Girls should be well behaved."

"Sit properly."

"Don't laugh too loudly."

"Don't come home late."

"Learn how to cook. You will need it in your husband's house."

"Don't let these boys deceive you."

"Be careful with your body."

"Don't embarrass us."

"Respect yourself."

Some of these lessons come from love.

Parents want their daughters to be safe.

They want them to have good manners.

They want them to make wise decisions.

They want to protect them from the mistakes they have seen other people make.

But sometimes the message becomes bigger than the intention.

The girl begins to believe that her value is tied to how well she behaves.

She becomes afraid of disappointing people.

She becomes uncomfortable saying no.

She starts measuring herself by other people's happiness.

And

because

she

receives

praise

for

being

accommodating, she keeps doing it.

Then she grows up.

The girl becomes a woman.

Her boss gives her extra work.

She says yes.

Her friend repeatedly asks for money.

She says yes.

Her boyfriend behaves badly and apologises.

She says, "I understand."

Her family calls when there is a problem.

She tries to solve it.

Someone insults her.

She forgives.

Someone crosses a boundary.

She explains it away.

Someone takes advantage of her kindness.

She blames herself for allowing it.

Eventually, she becomes exhausted.

And everybody is surprised.

"But you are such a strong woman."

Sometimes strength is simply what people call a woman after watching her carry too much for too long.

 

The Girl Who Was Praised for Being Easy There is a compliment that sounds harmless but can quietly shape a woman's entire personality.

"She is very easygoing."

It sounds nice.

Nobody wants to be difficult.

But some women spend their lives trying so hard not to be difficult that they become invisible.

She does not complain about the food.

She does not complain when plans change.

She does not complain when somebody arrives late.

She does not complain when her friend borrows money and delays repayment.

She does not complain when her boyfriend disappears for two days.

She does not complain when relatives assume she will handle something.

She does not complain when people expect her to understand everything.

Eventually, people stop asking what she wants.

They already know she will adjust.

This is how a woman can become the easiest person in the room and still feel completely unseen.

She thinks she is being peaceful.

Other people may simply be getting comfortable with her silence.

There is a difference.

"Don't Answer Back"

Many Nigerian girls grew up hearing this sentence.

"Don't answer back."

Sometimes it was reasonable.

A child should not insult her parents.

A teenager should learn how to communicate respectfully.

But there is a difference between teaching a child respect and teaching her that questioning authority is always wrong.

If a girl is never allowed to disagree, she may grow into a woman who struggles to advocate for herself.

She may sit quietly when her employer treats her unfairly because she is afraid of being seen as difficult.

She may avoid raising an issue in her relationship because she does not want to seem disrespectful.

She may agree with her husband's family even when something makes her uncomfortable.

She may accept decisions she does not understand because she has been conditioned to believe that a good woman should not challenge people.

The result is not necessarily peace.

Sometimes it is resentment.

A woman who cannot speak eventually finds other ways to communicate her pain.

She may withdraw.

She may become cold.

She may cry alone.

She may become angry about small things because the bigger things have nowhere to go.

Silence does not remove feelings.

It only hides them.

 

Respect Is Not the Same as Obedience This is a lesson many women have to learn as adults.

You can respect someone and disagree with them.

You can love your parents and make a decision they would not make for themselves.

You can respect your husband and still have an opinion.

You can respect an elder and still refuse something that violates your values.

You can respect your pastor and still ask questions.

You can respect your boss and still negotiate your salary.

Respect does not require the destruction of your voice.

A woman should not have to become voiceless to prove that she has good character.

The Nigerian Girl and "What Will People Say?"

Few sentences carry as much power in Nigerian families as: "What will people say?"

It can influence almost everything.

What will people say if you leave the marriage?

What will people say if you are still single?

What will people say if you move away?

What will people say if you change careers?

What will people say if you marry someone from a different background?

What will people say if you do not have children immediately?

What will people say if you decide to stop attending a particular church?

What will people say if you start dressing differently?

What will people say if you become more outspoken?

The strange thing about "what will people say?" is that the people being discussed are often not the people who will live with the consequences.

Your auntie will go home.

Your neighbor will sleep.

Your church member will move on to another conversation.

Your friends will discuss it for a while.

But you will still be the one living inside the decision.

That does not mean people's opinions never matter.

It means they should not automatically matter more than your own life.

 

When Being Nice Becomes a Survival Strategy Some women are not simply nice.

They have learned that niceness keeps them safe.

If I am agreeable, nobody will be angry.

If I do everything properly, nobody will criticise me.

If I never complain, nobody will call me ungrateful.

If I forgive quickly, nobody will accuse me of being bitter.

If I always help, people will love me.

This is a dangerous bargain.

Because eventually the woman realises something painful.

People may love what she does for them without truly knowing her.

They may know the helpful version of her.

The cheerful version.

The available version.

The understanding version.

The woman who never says no.

But what happens when she finally says no?

Some people will be shocked.

Some will call her selfish.

Some will say she has changed.

They may be right.

She has changed.

She has finally become honest about her limits.

 

The Fear of Disappointing People

A good girl can become addicted to approval.

She needs people to think she is kind.

She needs her parents to be proud.

She needs her partner to be happy.

She needs her friends to think she is dependable.

She needs everybody to believe she is a good person.

So she avoids anything that might make somebody unhappy with her.

This can affect major life decisions.

She takes a course she does not want.

She accepts a job she hates.

She stays in a relationship because everybody likes the man.

She refuses an opportunity because her family needs her.

She lends money she cannot afford to lose.

She accepts an invitation when she desperately needs rest.

She says yes to another responsibility while quietly wondering how she will manage.

The problem is not kindness.

The problem is when your entire life is built around avoiding other people's disappointment.

Someone will always be disappointed.

Sometimes you.

And you have to learn that your disappointment matters too.

 

CHAPTER TWO

WHAT WOMEN ARE TAUGHT TO

TOLERATE

There is a particular sentence Nigerian women hear often: "Be patient."

Sometimes patience saves a relationship.

Sometimes patience allows people time to grow.

Sometimes patience is wise.

But patience can also become a cage when it is used to convince a woman to tolerate the same behaviour indefinitely.

"Be patient with him."

"He will change."

"Marriage is not easy."

"Every relationship has problems."

"You cannot just leave because of one issue."

"Think about your children."

"At least he provides."

"At least he comes home."

"At least he does not beat you."

The standard can become painfully low.

A woman begins comparing her relationship with the worst relationships she knows instead of asking whether her own relationship is healthy.

She says:

"At least he is not as bad as that man."

But "not as bad" is not the same thing as good.

 

The Woman Who Keeps Explaining Him Some women become lawyers for men who hurt them.

She explains everything.

"He is under pressure."

"His business is not doing well."

"His father was not around."

"He does not know how to express emotions."

"He has been disappointed before."

"He is not really a bad person."

Maybe all of those things are true.

But understanding why someone behaves badly does not require you to accept the behaviour.

You can understand someone's background and still have a boundary.

You can have compassion without volunteering to be someone's emotional punching bag.

This distinction is difficult because women are often praised for being understanding.

But there are times when understanding becomes another word for enduring.

 

"All Men Cheat"

There are statements that become so common that people stop questioning them.

"All men cheat."

"Men cannot be trusted."

"Men are naturally like that."

"Once a man has money, he will change."

These statements are often presented as wisdom.

But they can also create resignation.

A woman may enter a relationship already expecting betrayal.

If her partner cheats, she is told:

"What did you expect?"

If he behaves badly, she hears:

"That is how men are."

This can make women accept behaviour they would never advise their daughters to accept.

A man is still responsible for his choices.

A relationship can have difficulties without turning poor behaviour into something women are expected to accept as inevitable.

 

The Pressure to Keep the Relationship Imagine a woman named Amaka.

She has been dating a man for four years.

Her family knows him.

His family knows her.

Their pictures are all over social media.

People are expecting a wedding.

Then she starts noticing things.

He insults her during arguments.

He controls who she speaks to.

He becomes angry when she disagrees with him.

He apologises.

Then it happens again.

She tells her friend.

Her friend says:

"At least he loves you."

Her mother says:

"Every marriage has issues."

Her auntie says:

"Don't throw away four years."

And suddenly Amaka is no longer asking whether she is happy.

She is asking whether she has invested too much time to leave.

This is how sunk costs can trap people.

Four years is a long time.

But four years does not become a reason to spend another ten years unhappy.

Time already spent cannot be recovered by sacrificing more of it.

 

When Marriage Becomes a Deadline

A woman turns twenty-five.

The questions begin.

Twenty-seven.

More questions.

Twenty-nine.

Concern.

Thirty.

Everybody has advice.

"Are you dating?"

"You need to pray seriously."

"Don't be too selective."

"Lower your standards."

"You are getting older."

"These men are no longer available."

Sometimes the woman herself becomes frightened.

She begins thinking that any relationship is better than being single.

That is when desperation can make bad situations look attractive.

Marriage should not be treated like a competition where the person who arrives first wins.

A wedding ceremony lasts a day.

A marriage can last decades.

The decision deserves more thought than the pressure of an auntie at a family gathering.

 

The Woman Who Is Told to Endure Everything There is a difference between endurance and self-abandonment.

Every relationship requires patience.

People will make mistakes.

Partners will disagree.

Families will have difficult seasons.

Money problems will happen.

Illness can happen.

Businesses can fail.

People can change careers.

Life can become complicated.

A mature relationship needs the ability to endure difficult seasons.

But endurance should not mean that one person is allowed to repeatedly hurt the other while the injured person is instructed to remain quiet.

A woman can be patient and still have boundaries.

She can forgive and still require change.

She can love and still walk away.

 

CHAPTER THREE

THE THINGS WOMEN LEARN TO

HIDE

"I'm Fine"

It may be one of the most frequently used lies in adult life.

"I'm fine."

Sometimes it means:

I don't want to explain.

Sometimes:

I don't know how to explain.

Sometimes:

I am afraid you will judge me.

Sometimes:

I have told people before and nobody listened.

Sometimes:

If I start talking, I might cry.

There are women who have become very good at looking fine.

They go to work.

They attend weddings.

They attend church.

They answer calls.

They post pictures.

They laugh with friends.

They cook.

They clean.

They send money home.

They run businesses.

They take care of children.

And somewhere inside all of it, they are exhausted.

 

The Pressure to Look Happy

There is a strange expectation placed on women to make difficult situations look beautiful.

A woman can be struggling financially but still feel pressure to appear successful.

She can be unhappy in her marriage but feel pressure to post anniversary pictures.

She can be lonely but constantly surrounded by people.

She can be overwhelmed by motherhood and still be expected to say, "I thank God."

Gratitude and struggle can exist at the same time.

You can thank God and admit that you are tired.

You can love your children and admit that motherhood is difficult.

You can love your husband and admit that the marriage needs work.

You can appreciate your family and still need distance sometimes.

Honesty does not cancel gratitude.

 

The Woman Who Cannot Ask for Help

Some women were praised for being strong so often that they became uncomfortable being vulnerable.

Everyone knows she can handle things.

When there is a problem:

Call her.

When somebody needs money:

Call her.

When somebody needs advice:

Call her.

When the family has an emergency:

Call her.

When everyone else is falling apart: She is expected to remain standing.

But who does she call?

Who checks on her?

Who asks whether she has eaten?

Who notices when she is not herself?

Who tells her that she does not have to solve everything today?

The strong woman deserves support too.

 

Anger Is Not Always a Character Flaw Women are often uncomfortable with female anger.

A man can be angry and people may ask what happened.

A woman becomes angry and people may ask what is wrong with her.

"Why are you so emotional?"

"Calm down."

"You are overreacting."

"Don't let anger control you."

Of course anger can become destructive.

But anger itself is information.

It can tell you that something matters.

It can tell you that a boundary has been crossed.

It can tell you that you have been silent for too long.

A woman does not have to act badly because she is angry.

But she should not be ashamed simply because she feels it.

 

CHAPTER FOUR

EVERYTHING WE ARE EXPECTED

TO SACRIFICE

The Woman Who Gives Until There Is Nothing Left There is a kind of woman everybody knows.

When she gets paid, people remember her.

When there is a family emergency, they call her.

When her sibling needs school fees, she helps.

When her mother needs something, she sends money.

When a friend is stranded, she transfers money.

When her partner has a problem, she contributes.

She is generous.

She is dependable.

She is loving.

Then one day she needs help.

She checks her account.

There is almost nothing there.

Nobody intended to make her poor.

She simply spent years believing that being a good person meant being available whenever someone needed something.

Women need permission to understand that generosity requires boundaries too.

You cannot pour from an empty account.

And sometimes the account is not just financial.

Your emotional account can become empty.

Your physical energy can become empty.

Your time can become empty.

Your patience can become empty.

Your life can become empty.

 

Sacrificing Your Dreams

There are women who once had plans.

She wanted to become a fashion designer.

She wanted to study abroad.

She wanted to open a restaurant.

She wanted to build a beauty business.

She wanted to write books.

She wanted to travel.

She wanted to become a lawyer.

She wanted to own property.

Then life changed.

Marriage happened.

Children happened.

Family responsibilities happened.

The business needed money.

Someone became sick.

She postponed the dream.

"Next year."

Then another year.

Then another.

Eventually, she became so used to postponing herself that she stopped mentioning the dream.

Sometimes sacrifice is necessary.

But a woman should ask herself whether her sacrifices are temporary decisions or whether she is slowly removing herself from her own life.

 

Motherhood and the Disappearing Woman Motherhood can be beautiful and exhausting.

Both things can be true.

A mother may love her children more than anything and still need time alone.

She may be grateful and overwhelmed.

She may adore being a mother and miss the woman she was before becoming one.

There is no shame in admitting this.

Women need spaces where they can talk honestly about motherhood without being accused of being ungrateful.

A mother is still a person.

She still has ambitions.

She still needs friendship.

She still needs affection.

She still needs rest.

She still deserves to have interests that do not involve her children.

 

Financial Independence Is Not Rebellion A woman earning her own money does not mean she hates men.

A woman building a business does not mean she does not want marriage.

A woman saving money does not mean she expects her husband to fail.

Financial independence can simply mean that she wants to have choices.

The ability to pay your bills matters.

The ability to support yourself matters.

The ability to leave an unhealthy situation without wondering where you will sleep matters.

Women should be encouraged to understand money.

How to save.

How to budget.

How to invest responsibly.

How to negotiate.

How to build skills.

How to run a business.

How to protect themselves from financial dependence that leaves them without choices.

Money does not solve everything.

But lack of money can make certain choices much harder.

 

CHAPTER FIVE

THE WOMAN WHO FINALLY

CHOOSES HERSELF

Choosing Yourself Does Not Mean Becoming Selfish This is perhaps the greatest fear.

If I start putting myself first, will I become selfish?

Not necessarily.

There is a difference between selfishness and self-respect.

Selfishness says:

"My needs matter and yours do not."

Self-respect says:

"Your needs matter, and mine matter too."

That difference is important.

A woman does not have to abandon her family to protect herself.

She does not have to stop loving people.

She does not have to become cold.

She does not have to reject marriage.

She does not have to become difficult.

She simply has to stop treating herself as though she is the least important person in every room.

 

Learning to Say No

"No" can feel frightening when you are used to saying yes.

At first, you may explain too much.

"No, I am sorry, because you see..."

You give a long story.

You provide evidence.

You try to convince the other person that your no is reasonable.

Sometimes you do not need to.

"No, I cannot do that."

"No, I do not have the money."

"No, I am not comfortable with that."

"No, I need to rest."

"No, I have other plans."

That is enough.

People may still be unhappy.

Let them.

A boundary does not stop being a boundary because somebody dislikes it.

 

Becoming Comfortable With Disappointing People This is one of adulthood's hardest lessons.

You cannot make everybody happy.

There will be times when doing what is right for you disappoints somebody else.

Your mother may disagree with your career.

Your friend may be upset because you stopped lending her money.

Your partner may dislike a boundary.

Your colleague may complain because you refused extra work.

Someone may call you selfish.

Someone may say you have changed.

Maybe you have.

Growth often looks like change to people who benefited from the old version of you.

That does not automatically mean you are wrong.

 

You Do Not Need Permission to Grow The woman you are at twenty-eight does not have to remain the woman you were at eighteen.

You are allowed to learn.

You are allowed to change your mind.

You are allowed to become more confident.

You are allowed to discover that something you once accepted no longer works for you.

You are allowed to want a different life.

You are allowed to have new boundaries.

You are allowed to outgrow friendships.

You are allowed to reconsider relationships.

You are allowed to become financially ambitious.

You are allowed to become quieter.

You are allowed to become louder.

You are allowed to start again.

Your past does not have to become a prison simply because you once made decisions based on what you knew at the time.

 

The Woman Who Stops Explaining Herself There is freedom in realising that not everybody needs a full explanation.

Some people ask questions because they care.

Others ask because they want to debate your decision.

You have to learn the difference.

If you have decided to change your career, you do not have to convince everyone.

If you have decided to leave a relationship, you do not have to make everybody understand.

If you have decided to move, you do not have to defend the decision to every relative.

If you have decided to save money instead of attending every outing, you do not have to apologise.

Your life is not a public hearing.

 

What Choosing Yourself Actually Looks Like Choosing yourself may look very ordinary.

It may be going to bed instead of staying awake to solve everybody's problems.

It may be keeping some money in your account instead of giving everything away.

It may be telling your friend that you cannot lend her money.

It may be asking your partner for the respect you deserve.

It may be leaving a relationship.

It may be starting therapy or seeking wise counsel.

It may be going back to school.

It may be opening the business you have talked about for years.

It may be learning a skill.

It may be exercising because you want to care for your body.

It may be resting without feeling guilty.

It may be deleting a number.

It may be blocking somebody.

It may be saying, "I don't want this."

It may be saying, "I deserve better."

Sometimes choosing yourself is dramatic.

Most of the time, it is a collection of very small decisions.

 

CONCLUSION

You Were Never Meant to Disappear Maybe the good girl was never the problem.

Maybe she was simply given an incomplete definition of goodness.

She was taught that goodness meant obedience.

She was taught that love meant sacrifice.

She was taught that patience meant endurance.

She was taught that forgiveness meant returning to the same situation without requiring change.

She was taught that respect meant silence.

She was taught that family meant putting herself last.

She was taught that marriage was something she needed to secure.

She was taught that a woman's value was connected to how well she served the people around her.

And she believed it.

Most of us believe some version of what we are taught.

Until life asks us to reconsider.

The reconsideration may come after heartbreak.

It may come after betrayal.

It may come after motherhood.

It may come after losing money.

It may come after years in a difficult marriage.

It may come after building a career and realising you have never actually asked yourself whether you enjoy your life.

It may come quietly.

You wake up one morning and realise: I am tired.

Not tired from work.

Not tired because you did not sleep enough.

Tired from constantly carrying.

Tired from pretending.

Tired from explaining.

Tired from adjusting.

Tired from being the understanding one.

Tired from trying to make everybody comfortable.

That tiredness deserves attention.

You do not need to become cruel.

You do not need to stop caring.

You do not need to stop loving your family.

You do not need to reject marriage.

You do not need to prove anything to anybody.

You simply need to remember yourself.

The woman beneath all the roles.

Before daughter.

Before wife.

Before mother.

Before sister.

Before employee.

Before businesswoman.

Before friend.

There is you.

And you matter.

 

A LETTER TO THE TIRED WOMAN

Dear woman,

I know you have been trying.

You have tried to be a good daughter.

A good friend.

A good sister.

A good partner.

A good wife.

A good mother.

A good employee.

A good Christian.

A good woman.

You have tried so hard that sometimes you forgot to ask whether you were happy.

You have carried things nobody knew about.

You have smiled when you wanted to cry.

You have said, "I understand," when you wanted to scream.

You have stayed quiet to keep peace.

You have forgiven people who never properly apologised.

You have given people chances because you believed that everyone deserves grace.

Perhaps they do.

But so do you.

You deserve rest.

You deserve honesty.

You deserve respect.

You deserve relationships where you do not have to beg for basic consideration.

You deserve friendships where you are allowed to need help too.

You deserve a life that does not make you constantly wonder whether you are doing enough.

You do not have to become hard.

You do not have to stop loving people.

You do not have to lose your softness.

You simply have to stop believing that your goodness requires your disappearance.

You are still a good woman when you say no.

You are still a good woman when you choose yourself.

You are still a good woman when you leave what hurts you.

You are still a good woman when you want more.

You are still a good woman when you disappoint somebody.

You are still a good woman when you admit that you are tired.

And perhaps the most important thing you can learn is this: You do not have to earn the right to exist as yourself.

You already have it.

So rest.

Think.

Heal.

Build.

Learn.

Leave when you need to leave.

Stay when staying is right.

Love people.

Love yourself too.

Give when you can.

Say no when you cannot.

Forgive when you are ready.

Protect your peace.

Take your dreams seriously.

Make your money.

Use your voice.

Ask for help.

Laugh again.

Start again.

And when somebody tells you that you have changed, do not immediately feel guilty.

Sometimes change is simply what happens when a woman finally starts listening to herself.

The good girl is tired.

Let her rest.

Then let her live.