Heavy machinery: Difficult work but related to the land, to harvesting (there is something good in the end; there is growth).
Green: Healing — growth.
Yellow: Mind, cowardice — also sunshine. Since it is farm equipment, I will associate yellow with sunshine as well as with the mind. There is some cowardice on my part, no doubt about it. The thesaurus associates cowardice with the noun ‘spirit.’ It also means
‘being yellow.’
Blackness/blind: Do not want to see. Cannot see. Black also represents evil, the opposite of light. Black night of the soul?
14: Equals 5.
1: Universal Oneness.
4: Body.
5: Immediate change. 2+2+1 means Strength (1), Weakness (2), a division of self (2).
Lying down: Laziness? Cannot open door, so I sleep? I also associate sleep with dreams and dreams with the unconscious and the unconscious with the soul. With going within myself. Am I sleeping on the job (thinking of the farm machinery)?
Closed door: The past is closed? Something shut out (my past?).
Jan. 2, 2000 (Letter)
Dear Dr. Sheppard,
I write for two reasons. One, I might forget part of what I want to say and, two, I may lose my nerve. By writing what I have to say I can express not only my feelings but also my thoughts.
At my last visit to you, I left in total confusion. I am convinced I have invented the entire scenario concerning my grandfather’s adopted son. I think the EMDR method does not work for me. It seems to me that I can ‘select’ the scenario. That scares me.
At our last session, when you asked if there was someone else in the room, it seemed to me I could either say that there was someone who was my uncle and who was playing along with my grandfather — the
two of them…well, I will say nothing more about this. So I looked for another story. The good man, the one who rescued me.
I have come to the conclusion that everything is an imaginary story and I want this to end. I have had enough. Enough is enough.
Happened? Did not happen? Happened? Which scenario is right?
Even assuming that something did happen, unless I remember, I will never know the truth. My grandfather is dead. As for my mother, I will never confront her with this tale.
This story has taken over my life. It’s as though every one of my thoughts is centred on the strain to remember. I want it to end. I play the story over and over again in my head, and it is affecting my thought processes at work and at home. I find myself just staring into space, then suddenly realizing that I stopped doing whatever I was doing, or what I was about to do. I wake up in the night, not certain that I was sleeping. Was I just thinking? Was I just straining to remember? I am thoroughly confused. I am no longer certain where reality is or where fantasy starts. It seems to me that I am stuck in a bad movie that keeps rewinding and starting again, but never comes to The End. To hell with the story.
I need to know the absolute truth. Until then I cannot go on.
At this moment, it seems to me that I am one hell of a liar.
So, I come to the reason I wrote this letter, and that is to say that I wish to stop the sessions.
Thank you for listening as you did. I liked our talks. I just cannot do this anymore.
Jan. 14, 2000 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt…Lots going on in my back. I did not know how angry I am, but I cannot lash out at her (my mom). My spine wants to release that anger but I don’t know how. Loved the neck treatment.
Jan. 17, 2000 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt…many feelings. At one time, it felt as if my chest was constricted, as if there was a heavy weight on it. In the middle lower back, one particular vertebra was burning quite a bit, as if some adjustment or change was happening. Later, I felt that go away when I experienced some sort of tension in my upper back. Somewhere
hidden in my spine there is a lot of pain. I may get there yet. I came in feeling great. Now my back hurts, upper and lower, and I have a headache, as usual.
Jan. 18, 2000 (Computer Journal)