I sit here looking at the drawing, and it seems to me that I must be inventing this. How can such a horrible thing have happened? I tried not to separate myself from Micha when I did this particular drawing.
As a result, this one has a title, and I wrote the names of the people in it. I will not destroy this drawing. As I look at it time and time again, it may stop me from swinging to the NO side again.
Perhaps even with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, I will not remember. I am fifty-five years of age and maybe it is too late to open up this part of my mind. In the stuff I downloaded on EMDR, when they mention studies, I get the feeling the subjects are quite young. I am post-menopausal and already my memory is showing signs of deficiency, and here I am trying to remember something that may have happened — that did happen — fifty years ago.
When a child has unspeakable things done to her, done by caregiv-ers, by people she has learned to trust and love, doesn’t it make sense that she would dissociate from the present moment? Maybe at a young age it is easy to withdraw into a trancelike state.
The only memory I am trying to recover is what was recorded by my body. Is this the kind of memory that senile old people have? Cayce said that there are some old people whose souls no longer inhabit their bodies; the soul has left the body, but the body continues on. It knows
how to function on its own as it carries within itself the memories of every cell that composes its flesh and bones. These are not what I call memories. I associate memories with the personality, not with the cells of the body.
I wonder if only the soul has the faculty to remember, and it needs the connections of the brain to do so. Maybe in experiencing trauma, because the soul has left the body while the trauma is inflicted, the person — especially a child — will not fully remember what happened because the ‘personality’ simply isn’t present. Our reality is a function of the mind, not of the brain, and I believe the mind belongs to the soul. When it dissociates from the body, the connection is broken and there is no consciousness available to record what is happening. The images are stored, but not processed.
The question then is, can these old images be processed by the mind later on? A reel of what happened is stuck in my mind, in some sort of loop. When I finally process a drawing or a clearing, or simply do some processing on my own, a splicing seems to take place. But splicing it is, which means that some images are cut away and remain on the floor. They never get integrated into the story.
The brain, unless damaged, records everything without discrimi-nation. The mind, on the other hand, is selective. It accepts what it thinks is of value in creating its own reality. It probably ignores a lot of stuff, and it may purposely discard or disregard things that hurt or confuse the soul. The mind chooses this or that to create its view of the world.
Dec. 18, 1999 (Dream)