Nov. 28, 1999 (Letter to Hell)
I have come to accept a lot of things.
I have pieced together a little bit of the story of my mother. She was raped (very likely) by her father. Maybe she was raped by all four of the boys my grandfather adopted. Maybe she was in love with one of them. I do not know. My mother was never very particular with her lovers. Adoptive brothers, best friends of her husband….
When I was fifteen, she had my cousin, her sister’s son, stay with us for about two months. While they had their affair, there was food in the refrigerator. I was already working full time and I knew how hard it was for my mother to make ends meet. I never judged her, she was only trying to survive. My cousin was a few years younger than she was. My aunt was my mom’s eldest sister. I think there was a fifteen-year difference between the eldest and the youngest child, which was my mom.
Yes, I have come to accept a lot of things.
Recently, I accepted that when Micha does a drawing, it is not necessarily exactly as it happened. But perhaps some of it is true. I accept that there is true stuff and false stuff — that I cannot trust my mind remembering, but that I probably could trust my body remembering.
After the session that Tuesday night at the healing centre, I fought Micha for several days. I could not let her draw the next picture that I knew she wanted to draw. She wanted to draw another man. Yesterday, I let her do the drawing. This is definitely her last drawing.
I CANNOT ACCEPT THAT THERE WAS A SECOND
PERSON THERE!
This is where I stop. This is it — the crash is complete. The point of no return. I am completely annihilated.
I have lost the most precious thing I have ever had: me.
I will see Dr. Sheppard Tuesday morning. Perhaps I should ask him to send me to the loony bin. Maybe I won’t even have to ask. I doubt, though, that any kind of treatment can put my psyche back together again.
NUTS!
Crystal Dreams
Nov. 29, 1999 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt…Good thing is, there is no more pain. Bad thing is, I think I am not here, inside me, anymore.
I spoke too soon about the good thing; the old familiar pain is back.
Dec. 5, 1999 (Computer Journal)