Chapter 10-The Bunkers

An old song entered Steamer’s mind, and he was again involuntarily induced to change scenes.

Archie And Edith Bunker

 

Those Were The Days (All in the Family Theme)

 

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played!

Songs that made the Hit Parade.

Guys like us, we had it made.

Those were the days!

 

And you knew where you were then.

Girls were girls and men were men.

Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.

 

Didn't need no welfare state.

Everybody pulled his weight.

Gee, our old LaSalle ran great.

Those were the days!

 

Written by Charles Strouse and Lee Adams

 

ALL IN THE FAMILY — “THE STRANGER IN THE PARLOR”

(A fictional episode featuring Steamer)

BUNKER HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON

Archie enters the house grumbling about the bus schedule, slams the door, and freezes. A man he’s never seen; Steamer, dusty boots, sun bleached denim jacket, posture of someone who’s been awake too long; is sitting calmly in Archie’s armchair. Not nervously. Not defiantly. Just ..... occupying it like a man who’s been told to wait. His first thought is that it is one of Meathead’s non-working, Libbie pals.

Archie: “What in the name of Rosenfeld’s ghost is this?”

Steamer: “Evenin’. Door was open. Figured this was the staging area.”

Archie: “Staging area for what, the commie invasion of Queens?”

Steamer: “No invasion. Just maybe a little infiltration and a need to speak with the household. Got turned around on the way in.”

Archie circles him like he’s inspecting a suspicious appliance. “Edith! Edith, get down here! There’s a fella in my chair who looks like he crawled outta a Cuban sandstorm and into my living room.”

Edith appears at the top of the stairs, hands fluttering. “Oh my, oh my! Are you lost, mister?”

Steamer: “Not lost. Just not where I expected to be.”

Archie: “That’s what lost means! Like one of them Hebes in Palestine.”

Steamer doesn’t react. He’s scanning the room like he’s mapping exits.

Gloria and Mike (“Meathead”) enter from the kitchen.

Gloria: “Daddy, don’t yell at him. He looks exhausted.”

Mike: “Yeah, Arch, he’s probably been traveling. You can see it in his face.”

Archie: “I can see plenty in his face. None of it explains why he’s in my chair.”

Steamer stands, polite but firm. “Name’s Steamer. I’m supposed to meet a man named Crocker. He said to wait in the safe house. This address matches what he gave me.”

The Bunkers stare.

Mike: “Arch ...... did you give your address to someone named Crocker?”

Archie: “Why would I give my address to a man named Crocker? Sounds like a guy who sells defective toasters to the coloreds.”

Steamer: “He’s not in appliances.”

Archie: “Yeah, I figured that out already!”

Steamer steps aside, giving Archie his chair back. Archie sits, but keeps one eye on him.

Archie: “Alright, mister desert boots, what exactly do you do?”

Steamer: “Field work. Mostly containment. Sometimes retrieval. Depends on the Zone.”

Mike: “Zone? What zone?”

Steamer: “The Zone.” He says it like it’s the only one.

Archie: “What is this, some kinda hippie commune thing? Gloria, is this one of your husband’s friends?”

Mike: “I don’t know him!”

Archie: “You know every weirdo from here to Berkeley!”

Steamer remains unbothered.

Steamer: “Look, I’m not here to cause trouble. I just need to reestablish contact. Something’s off. The streets outside don’t match the perimeter map.”

Mike: “Perimeter map? Arch, this guy might be military.”

Archie: “He ain’t military. Military people don’t wander into private homes and sit in a man’s chair without saluting first.”

Steamer: “Wasn’t a military operation.”

Archie: “Oh great, he’s freelance.”

Edith brings Steamer a glass of water.

Edith: “You look like you’ve been walking a long time. Here, drink this.”

Steamer takes it with a nod.

Steamer: “Appreciate it. Haven’t had clean water since ..... well, since before the last checkpoint.”

The Bunkers exchange looks.

Gloria: “Checkpoint? Daddy, maybe he’s been through something serious.”

Archie: “Yeah, well, so have I. I rode the Q58 today.”

Steamer kneels and draws a rough diagram on a scrap of newspaper.

Steamer: “This is where I started. This is where Crocker said to meet. But the terrain shifted. Streets rearranged. Buildings wrong. People ..... calmer than they should be.”

Mike: “Calmer?”

Steamer: “Usually there’s more screaming.”

Archie stands and says: “Alright, that’s it. Either this guy’s nuts or we’ve been drafted into some government experiment.”

Steamer: “Not government. They don’t openly go near the Zone anymore. Rumor has it that they have undisclosed contractors, though.”

Archie: “Oh, that’s comforting.”

Steamer looks around the room again; really looks, and something in his expression changes. A slow, dawning recognition.

Steamer: “This place .... it’s too clean. Too stable. No dust. No static hum. No distortion at the edges.” He looks at the family. “I’m not in the Zone. I’m ..... outside it.”

Mike: “Outside what?”

Steamer: “Everything.” He sits heavily on the couch, absorbing it. “I think I walked out of the wrong door.”

Archie: “What kinda door does that?”

Steamer: “The kind you don’t open twice.”

Archie, despite himself, softens a fraction. “Look ..... Steamer ..... you seem like a decent enough fella. Not one of them, even if you talk like a man who’s been living inside a malfunctioning radio. So here’s what we’re gonna do. You stay here till we figure out where you belong. But you stay off my chair.”

Steamer: “Fair.”

Edith: “Oh, Archie, that’s so sweet.”

Archie: “Don’t make a big thing out of it, Edith. I’m just preventing him from wandering into someone else’s house and giving them a heart attack.”

LATER THAT NIGHT

Steamer sits at the kitchen table with Mike, studying a Queens street map.

Mike: “So you’re really from… somewhere else?”

Steamer: “I didn’t think so, but you make it seem that way.”

Mike: “You scared?”

Steamer thinks before responding with: “Not scared. Just recalibrating.”

Archie yells from the living room. “And don’t touch the thermostat! I don’t care what the temperature is in your ‘Zone,’ this is a civilized house!”

Steamer allows himself the faintest smile. He mumbles: “Some things are universal.”

Fade out.

 

BUNKER LIVING ROOM – NEXT MORNING

Archie is reading the paper, muttering about taxes. Steamer sits on the couch, boots neatly aligned, studying a Queens bus map like it’s a classified schematic.

Archie: “You been starin’ at that thing for an hour. It ain’t gonna confess.

Steamer: “I’m trying to understand the logic of the routes.”

Archie: “There ain’t no logic. It’s Queens. You go where the bus driver feels like goin’.”

Steamer nods, as if this matches his experience with unstable terrain, and says: “Makes sense.”

Edith enters with a plate of scrambled eggs. “I made you breakfast, Mister Steamer. I hope you like it soft. Archie says soft eggs are gentler on the soul.”

Archie: “I never said that, Edith.”

Edith: “You said it with your face.”

Archie glares. Steamer eats quietly, methodically.

Mike enters with a notebook. “Steamer, I’ve been thinking. If you came from some kind of ..... alternate zone, maybe we can map the differences. You know, compare realities.”

Archie: “Oh, here we go. The Meathead wants to do science on the houseguest.”

Mike: “Arch, this could be important.”

Archie: “Important? The only thing important is gettin’ him back where he belongs before he starts reorganizin’ the furniture with his mind.”

Steamer looks up. “I don’t reorganize furniture.”

Archie: “Good. We got enough weirdos in this neighborhood movin’ couches around at midnight.}

Mike sits across from Steamer. “So ..... what was it like? Where you came from?”

Steamer thinks. He’s not evasive, just careful. “Dry. Quiet. Too quiet. You learn to listen for what isn’t there.”

Archie: “Namu, nanu.”

Mike: “Like what?”

Steamer: “Birds. Wind. People. When those go missing, you pay attention.”

Archie lowers his paper. “You’re tellin’ me you lived in a place with no people? Sounds like paradise.”

Edith: “Oh, Archie, don’t say that. People need people.”

Archie: “I need people like I need a hole in my roof. Especially those darkies, if you get my drift.”

Steamer continues: “Sometimes you’d hear a hum. Low. Constant. Like the world was running on backup power.”

Mike scribbles notes and says: “Fascinating.”

Archie: “Fascinating? It’s creepy! This guy’s talkin’ about a place where the world’s on life support and you’re takin’ notes like he’s givin’ a lecture at the community college.”

Steamer shrugs. “It’s just how things were.”

Edith leaves to check on laundry. Mike goes to the kitchen. Archie and Steamer are alone.

Archie tries to read his paper again, but keeps glancing at Steamer. Finally he says: “So ..... uh ..... you married?”

Steamer: “Yes.”

Archie: “Good. At least you’re not one of those. But, marriage is a racket. You get a wife, you get bills. You get bills, you get ulcers. You get ulcers, you get nothin’ but soup for dinner.”

Steamer nods politely. “Sounds complicated.”

Archie: “It is. But ..... Edith’s alright. Don’t tell her I said that.”

Steamer: “I won’t.”

Archie shifts, uncomfortable with sincerity. “You know ..... you ain’t the worst fella to have around. Quiet. Respectful. Don’t touch my chair. I can work with that.”

Steamer gives the faintest smile. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hole own dere, Andy, if you get my drift. ...... Appreciate it.”

Archie grunts, embarrassed. “Yeah, well, don’t get mushy about it.”

Gloria enters. “Daddy, did you just bond with him?”

Archie: “I didn’t bond! I don’t bond! I tolerate!”

Steamer stands. “I should check the perimeter. Make sure this place stays stable.”

Archie: “Stable? This house ain’t been stable since 1952.”

Steamer steps outside. Gloria watches him go.

Gloria: “Daddy ..... he trusts you.”

Archie waves her off. “Yeah, well, that’s his first mistake.” But he watches Steamer through the window, concerned in spite of himself.

BUNKER KITCHEN – AFTERNOON

Edith is humming while making tea. Steamer sits at the table, hands folded, posture straight as a fencepost.

Edith: “You know, Mister Steamer, you don’t have to sit so stiff. This is a relaxed house.”

Steamer: “Relaxed isn’t my default.”

Edith: “Oh, that’s alright. Some people are born relaxed, and some people have to warm up like a toaster.”

Steamer considers this.”I suppose I’m the second kind.”

Edith pours tea. “Archie’s the first kind. He relaxes so much he falls asleep in his chair before the news even starts.”

Steamer nods.

Edith: “So ..... this Zone you talk about. Is it like a place where people go when they’re feelin’ lost?”

Steamer: “Not exactly. It’s physical. Dangerous. Unpredictable.”

Edith: “Oh, I know places like that. The supermarket on coupon day.”

Steamer blinks. “It’s… different.”

Edith: “But maybe it’s also the same. Sometimes when people feel confused or scared, the world looks all mixed up. Streets don’t make sense. Doors lead to the wrong places. You feel like you’re not where you’re supposed to be.”

Steamer studies her, surprised by the accuracy. “That’s ..... close.”

Edith: “See? I knew it. You’re not just travelin’ through places. You’re travelin’ through feelings.”

Steamer: “I don’t usually think about feelings.”

Edith: “Oh, nobody does. They just sneak up on you like coons in the garbage.”

Steamer actually smiles.

Archie enters mid-conversation. “What’s all this? You two talkin’ about coons?”

Edith: “We’re talkin’ about Mister Steamer’s Zone.”

Archie: “Oh, terrific. Edith’s givin’ him therapy now.”

Edith: “I’m just listenin’, Archie. Sometimes people need someone to listen.”

Archie: “Yeah, well, he can listen to the radio like everybody else.”

Steamer stands. “She’s right. I’ve been ..... disoriented. More than usual.”

Archie softens a hair. “Look, Steamer ..... you’re safe here. Nobody’s gonna zap you, or chase you, or rearrange the streets on ya. This is a White section of Queens. No low end, darkie, street crapola. The worst thing that happens is you get a parking ticket.”

Steamer: “That’s reassuring.”

Archie: “It shouldn’t be. Those darkie bums are coming en masse. Soon, you just watch. It’s already started.”

Edith pats Steamer’s hand. “You’ll find your way back when it’s time. People always do.”

Steamer nods, absorbing it. “Maybe. But for now ..... this place is steady. I can work with steady.”

Archie grumbles. “Just don’t get too comfortable. This ain’t a hotel.”

Edith: “Oh, Archie, let him be comfortable.”

Archie: “Fine. But he still ain’t touchin’ my chair.”

Steamer nods solemnly. “Understood.”

Fade out.