​Skill 10: Cultivating Compersion

Actively nurturing joy in a partner's other connections is an antidote to lingering jealousy or envy and builds an abundance mindset.

Compersion is not the absence of jealousy. It is the ability to embrace both fear and joy, ache and warmth. Like any skill, it improves with practice.

• Admit to your jealousy without shame. Suppressing it only strengthens the feeling. Acknowledge it as a signal, not a flaw. Say it out loud to yourself or a trusted friend: "I feel jealous right now. That's perfectly normal." This can open the door for compersion to enter.
• Practice compersion in low-stakes moments. Notice and identify the feeling when you experience authentic happiness for someone else's joy, whether it's a friend's delight, a stranger's laughter or a child's excitement. That warmth in my chest? That's compersion. I can feel this on purpose. Strengthen this neural pathway in safe, familiar spaces before applying it to your relationships with your partner.
• Distinguish compersion from numbness. Compression is active joy, not passive tolerance. If you feel nothing when your partner returns from a date, that is neutrality, not compersion. The aim is to experience a warm, expansive feeling in your chest and not just the absence of a painful sensation. But try not to pressure yourself to feel it perfectly.
• Ask for what you need to feel safe. Compersion thrives on reassurance. Before your partner leaves for a date, suggest a special ritual, such as a particular kiss, a kind word or a promise to check in. When they return, reconnect by cuddling, sharing a meal or talking about their favourite moment. Feeling secure is the gateway to joy.
• Be present with them before and after. Jealousy is fuelled by imagination. Compersion thrives in reality. Where possible, meet your partner and their other partner together. Notice the small moments of kindness between them. Say goodbye to them together and welcome them home together. Your nervous system will learn: Nothing is being hidden from me.
• Actively participate in their joy. Compersion is not passive. Cook a meal for them before a date. Help your partner choose an outfit. Hold both of their hands when they hug, breathe through your heart centre, and feel the warmth move through you. The more you participate, the less you feel like an outsider.
• Let compersion and jealousy coexist. You don't have to choose. You can experience the stirring in your stomach and the warmth in your chest simultaneously. That's the beauty of being fully human. Name both feelings: I feel jealous about the time they're spending together, but I'm also truly happy that they're happy. Both can be true. Allow them to coexist.
• Practice a loving-kindness meditation for your partner and their other connection. Sit quietly for five minutes. Breathe through your heart centre. Inwardly recite: "May you be happy. May you be free from suffering. May you feel joy and ease." First direct this to your partner, then to yourself and finally to their other connection. This process re-wires the brain towards empathy and away from threat.
• Ask yourself: What am I afraid of losing? Jealousy is fear wearing a mask. At its core, it is almost always a fear of abandonment, inadequacy or scarcity. Identify the specific fear: I am afraid he will realise she is more exciting than me. Once identified, ask yourself: Is that fear rooted in reality or an old wound? Separate the past from the present.
• Celebrate your partner's return as a choice, not an obligation. Every time your partner returns to you after being with someone else, they are choosing you. Not out of duty, but out of affection. Let their return be proof of their LOVE, not just their back-up option. Welcome them home with genuine curiosity: "What was lovely about your time together?" Their happiness does not threaten yours – it is evidence of their ability to LOVE.