YOU:
PLEASE STOP LAUGHING OVER THE PAINTER
COMMENT. WHEN MY DAD SAID THE GUY WAS A
BLAND PAINTER, I MISUNDERSTOOD AND
THOUGHT HE SAID HE WAS BLIND. OBVIOUSLY
THAT WAS A MISTAKE ON MY PART BUT MUST
YOU KEEP TEASING ME ABOUT IT? LET IT GO!
YES, I ASKED THE FRONT OFFICE AND THEY SAID
THAT THERE ARE NO RE-DOS FOR STUDENT
PICTURES. I’M NOT SURE WHY YOU WOULD BE SO
SHY ABOUT ASKING THEM YOURSELF BUT THAT’S
OKAY.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T WORRY ABOUT YOUR
PICTURE BECAUSE I THINK YOU LOOK GREAT.
REALLY. THE ONLY REASON I BROUGHT MY
CAMERA YESTERDAY AND TOOK A PICTURE OF
YOU WAS BECAUSE I WANTED A PICTURE OF YOU.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHETHER THE
SCHOOL PICTURE OF YOU IS GOOD ENOUGH.
THE FACT IS, I WANTED MORE THAN ONE PICTURE
OF YOU AND I MAY JUST TAKE ANOTHER ONE OF
19
YOU SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE SO I HOPE
YOU’RE NOT TOO CAMERA SHY. AND IF YOU ARE
OR IF YOU DON’T WANT ME TO TAKE YOUR
PICTURE THEN I’LL RESPECT THAT AND I WON’T
TAKE YOUR PICTURE. SO DON’T WORRY ABOUT
YOUR SCHOOL PICTURE.
I WOULD PROVE TO YOU THAT I LIKE IT ENOUGH
BY BLOWING IT UP INTO A SIX FOOT BY FIVE FOOT
POSTER FOR MY BEDROOM WALL AT HOME BUT
THEN PEOPLE WOULD LOOK AT ME STRANGE
WONDERING WHY I’M BLOWING UP A PICTURE OF
YOU THAT APPARENTLY YOU YOURSELF ARE NOT
VERY FOND OF.
HERE’S AN IDEA. I’LL GO HOME TODAY AND HAVE
MY YOUNGER BROTHER TAKE A BUNCH OF NERDY
PICTURES OF ME AND THEN I’LL BRING THEM TO
SCHOOL JUST FOR YOU. WOULD THAT MAKE YOU
FEEL BETTER? LOOK, ALL OF US AT SOME POINT
IN OUR LIVES HAVE A LOUSY PICTURE TAKEN OF
US. SOMETIMES IT’S JUST OUR OPINION THAT
IT’S LOUSY AND THEN AT OTHER TIMES IT REALLY
IS LOUSY. IN FACT, I KNOW A PICTURE THAT I CAN
ALREADY SHOW YOU. IT’S OF ME SNEEZING OUT
A MOUTHFUL OF MASHED POTATOES LAST YEAR
AT THANKSGIVING. YOU’LL LOVE IT. A
FLATTERING PHOTO IT IS NOT.
SO YES, THE GUY THAT HAS RUMORS OF A NEW
GIRLFRIEND EVERY WEEK, THE GUY THAT WAS
VOTED THE BIGGEST TEEN HEARTTHROB IN BOTH
20
SOPHOMORE AND JUNIOR YEARS BY HIS PEERS
AND THE SAME GUY THAT COMES FROM A RICH
AND SEEMINGLY PERFECT FAMILY IS THE SAME
GUY THAT WITH THE RIGHT TIMING AND
CIRCUMSTANCES CAN BE SEEN AS A TOTAL DORK
IN A FAMILY PHOTO FROM THANKSGIVING. THAT’S
ME.
SEE YOU AT LUNCH! (YES, THE GREAT PUMPKIN
PANCAKES ARE HERE!)
ME
21
[Second anonymous note you find in your
locker. Again, it’s typed so it doesn’t match any
handwriting so it will take longer for you to figure
out who these secret love letters are from.]
October 7
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sometimes my poetry stinks
Like the inside of a large, sweaty, princess pink
glitter, male pro-wrestler’s shoe.
So let’s skip the poetry and let me tell you
something new. When I saw you walking down
the hall towards me the other day, the whole
world seemed to slow down and I wondered if
my heart would stop.
You are so breathtakingly beautiful sometimes I think
school attendance is hazardous to my health. But as
long as you keep going to school I don’t think even
near fatal pneumonia could keep me from showing
up just to see you. (Although I am tempted to create
a sticker for you to put on your forehead that acts
as a Surgeon General’s warning that long gazes
upon you may be hazardous to my health and
everyone else’s health too because I can’t
imagine that I’m the only one here at school that
22
feels this way about you.)
So the next time you see anyone gazing a bit
longer at you than might be normal, you may
want to go easy on us as we are simply
mesmerized by your sheer attractiveness.
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
23
OCTOBER 10
YOU:
YOUR FRIEND, G. A., CALLED ME LAST NIGHT, AS
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD. SHE IS A VERY
INTERESTING CONVERSATIONALIST. DID YOU
KNOW THAT SHE CAN MAKE TWENTY-THREE
DIFFERENT VARIETIES OF PIGLET SHAPED ANIMAL
BALLOONS? IT WAS NEWS TO ME THAT THERE
WAS MORE THAN ONE WAY TO MAKE ONE. VERY
INTERESTING . . .
I’M NOT TRYING TO INSULT YOUR FRIEND. I JUST
DIDN’T KNOW THAT SOMEONE COULD BE SO
INTERESTED IN TELLING SOMEONE ELSE ABOUT
SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS TO TIE ANIMAL
BALLOONS. AND IN CASE YOU’RE EVER
WONDERING, NO, I DON’T THINK I’D BE
INTERESTED IN DATING SOMEONE LIKE HER
ANYTIME SOON. NOT THAT YOU WERE
WONDERING.
OR MAYBE I SHOULD PUT THIS ANOTHER WAY. IF
YOU EVER GET THE IDEA FROM HER THAT SHE
LIKES ME, OR IF ANYONE SPREADS A RUMOR
THAT SHE AND I ARE DATING, TRY AND LET HER
DOWN EASY BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE I WOULD
GET THE CHANCE TO IF SHE GETS A SECOND
WIND OF TELLING ME ABOUT HOW MANY WAYS
SHE CAN MAKE A NEW VARIETY OF ANIMAL
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BALLOONS.
I REALLY DON’T MEAN TO BE CRUEL. I’M JUST
NOT SURE WHAT RUMORS WILL FLY SINCE I SEEM
TO ATTRACT THEM WITH EVERY NEW GIRL THAT
COMES INTO MY LIFE. SOMETIMES I JUST WISH
PEOPLE WOULD BE MORE INTERESTED IN THEIR
OWN LOVE LIVES THAN SO FOCUSED ON MINE
(OR THE ACTUAL LACK THEREOF).
SPEAKING OF LOVE LIVES, ARE YOU INTERESTED
IN ANYONE? JUST WONDERING.
SEE YOU SOON!
ME
25
OCTOBER 21
YOU:
LAST NIGHT P. J. AND I SPOKE ON THE PHONE.
SHE TOLD ME THAT ONCE SEVERAL YEARS BACK
THAT YOU GUYS WERE HANGING OVER AT YOUR
HOUSE AND THAT YOUR MOM FREAKED OUT
WHEN YOU GUYS WERE GETTING A SNACK IN THE
KITCHEN. YOU WERE JUST GETTING A PIECE OF
CHEESE AND YOUR MOM YELLED NOT TO EAT IT
BECAUSE YOU WERE “GOING TO GET FAT.” OKAY.
EVEN THOUGH I’VE NEVER MET YOUR MOM
BEFORE, ALTHOUGH I DON’T MEAN TO
DISRESPECT YOUR MOM, THAT TICKS ME OFF
FOR TWO REASONS.
FIRST, YOU’RE NOT FAT. I KNOW YOU SAY YOU’RE
NOT THIN AND I’M GLAD YOU’RE NOT SOME TWIG
BECAUSE FRANKLY I WOULDN’T WANT TO HANG
OUT WITH A GIRL THAT MIGHT BREAK IN TWO IF
WE WERE RIDING BIKES TOGETHER AND FOR
WHATEVER REASON SHE FELL OFF.
AS STRANGE AS THIS MAY SEEM, I’D MUCH
RATHER HAVE A GIRLFRIEND THAT MIGHT NEED TO
LOSE SOME WEIGHT THAN A PENCIL THIN TWIG.
(AND I KNOW THAT WE’RE NOT DATING BUT I’M
JUST SAYING WHAT I PREFER IF THE TRUTH BE
KNOWN.) SO DON’T LISTEN TO ANYONE THAT
TELLS YOU THAT YOU’RE FAT BECAUSE YOU’RE
26
NOT. YOU PROBABLY HAVE A HEALTHY WEIGHT
AND THAT'S ATTRACTIVE.
I THINK YOU LOOK GREAT JUST AS YOU ARE. AND
THOSE STUPID WOMEN’S FASHION MAGAZINES
THAT INSIST THAT EVERY WOMAN ABSOLUTELY
MUST BE ABLE TO FIT UNDERNEATH A DOOR IN
THE EVENT OF A FIRE TO SAFELY ESCAPE IS JUST
NONSENSE. I’M EXAGGERATING ABOUT THE
ABILITY TO FIT UNDERNEATH A DOOR BUT YOU
GET WHAT I MEAN.
SECONDLY, P. J. ISN’T EXACTLY THIN SO I THINK
THAT’S A BIT RUDE OF YOUR MOM TO MAKE P. J.
FEEL FAT LIKE THAT. WHO KNOWS WHY P. J.
STRUGGLES WITH HER WEIGHT LIKE SHE DOES
BUT SHE SHOULDN’T BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE
SHE’S AN OUTCAST OR SOMEONE TO AVOID
LOOKING LIKE BECAUSE HER WEIGHT IS NOT THE
ONLY THING THAT MAKES HER WHO SHE IS.
YOU’VE HEARD ME SAY IT BEFORE. I THINK P. J.
IS SUPER PRETTY EVEN THOUGH SHE’S HEAVIER
THAN MOST SENIOR GIRLS. IF I COULD EVER TAKE
HER OUT ON A DATE I PROBABLY WOULD. SHE’S
VERY PRETTY EVEN IF SHE HAS AN IMPERFECT
BODY THAT THE WORLD SAYS SHOULD BE
DISGUSTING. I LIKE HER AND I’M SHOCKED THAT
YOUR MOM WOULD BE SO RUDE TO A GUEST IN
YOUR HOME AND VERY LIKELY CAUSE YOU TO
FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AS WELL.
27
NOW THAT I’VE SAID THAT, I DON’T FEEL THE
FACT THAT I SHARED PART OF OUR
CONVERSATION LAST NIGHT WITH YOU THAT THIS
MAKES THIS GOSSIP. TO ME, GOSSIP IS TO TALK
ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEMS WITHOUT
ANY INTENTIONS OF HELPING TO SOLVE THEM BUT
TO TALK ABOUT THEM FOR ENTERTAINMENT
PURPOSES OR TO CAUSE ONESELF TO FEEL
BETTER THAN THE ONE BEING TALKED ABOUT
(SUCH AS JUST FOR EGO OR PRIDE).
I’VE TOLD YOU WHAT I HEARD SO THAT YOU
KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT WHEN PEOPLE CALL
SOMEONE ELSE FAT AND I THINK THAT YOU ARE
NOT FAT AND THAT IT’S WRONG FOR SOMEONE
TO CALL SOMEONE ELSE FAT – EVEN WHEN IT’S
TRUE.
SO I’M A BIT STEAMED OVER THAT
CONVERSATION LAST NIGHT AND AGAIN I HOPE
YOU UNDERSTAND I’M NOT TRYING TO BE
DISRESPECTFUL OF YOUR MOM.
MAYBE THE GUY THAT FALLS IN LOVE WITH YOU
AND WANTS TO SOMEDAY MARRY YOU SHOULD
BE ADVISED TO ELOPE WITH YOU TO AVOID
HEARING YOUR MOM FREAK OUT OVER THE
WEDDING CAKE THAT MIGHT MAKE SOMEONE FAT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ELOPING?
ME
28
P.S. DON’T GET ME WRONG, BUT THAT WAS NOT
A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL JUST NOW.
29
OCTOBER 30
YOU:
IT’S BEEN OVER A WEEK AND YOU CAN’T LET THAT
QUESTION ABOUT ELOPING GO. I’M NOT TRYING
TO SAY THAT I DON’T WANT A MOTHER-IN-LAW.
THAT’S NOT WHAT I WAS SAYING.
I KNOW YOU’RE HALF-TEASING ABOUT IT BUT
REALLY, YOUR MOM AND I HAVE NOT GOTTEN OFF
TO A VERY GOOD START SO FAR AND I HAVEN’T
EVEN MET HER YET. NOT THAT WE’RE DATING
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY WE’RE NOT. AND THE
ELOPING THING WAS SIMPLY A QUESTION FOR
YOU TO CONSIDER FOR WHOMEVER YOU MARRY
– I NEVER SAID THAT I WANTED TO ELOPE WITH
YOU. BUT BOY, IF THERE WAS EVER A WAY TO
GUARANTEE THAT I WOULD NEVER GET INVITED TO
YOUR HOME OR WOULD NEVER BE WELCOMED BY
YOUR PARENTS, JUST TELL THEM I ASKED YOU
ABOUT ELOPING.
YOUR DAD DOESN’T HAVE A GUN DOES HE? I’M
JUST TRYING TO STAY SAFE.
ANYHOO . . .CAN WE DROP THE ELOPING BIT FOR
NOW?
SO YOU SAID J WAS WONDERING ABOUT HOW A
GUY LETS A GIRL KNOW IF HE LIKES HER OR NOT.
30
THEN YOU ASKED ME HOW I LET A GIRL KNOW I
LIKE HER OR NOT. GUYS ARE DIFFERENT IN A LOT
OF WAYS BUT WE ALL HAVE THE SAME INTEREST:
GIRLS (UNLESS A GUY IS GAY AND THEN HE LIKES
GUYS. SO FAR THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN TWO
GUYS THAT HAVE EVER LIKED ME. ONE OF THEM
IS A GOOD FRIEND NOW SINCE HE KNOWS I’M
STRAIGHT AND HE RESPECTS THAT).
SOME OF US ARE “FAST” WITH A USE-THEM-AND-
ABUSE-THEM-AND-THEN-DUMP-EM-TO-LOSE-THEM
MENTALITY WHERE BASICALLY ALL WE’RE DOING IS
SMOOTH TALKING A GIRL TO GET HER TO HAVE
SEX WITH US AND THEN WE’RE DONE WITH HER
AND READY TO FIND A NEW GIRL TO DO IT TO ALL
OVER AGAIN.
JERKS LIKE THAT ARE A DEAD GIVEAWAY BECAUSE
THEY’LL GIVE UP AND STOP FAKING THEIR
INSINCERE FLATTERY AND SMOOTH TALKING TO
MOVE ONTO ANOTHER GIRL ONCE HE’S HEARD
NO FROM HER ABOUT SEX A FEW TIMES (UNLESS
HE’S A BIGGER JERK THAT DATE RAPES). BUT
GUYS LIKE ME TEND TO TAKE THINGS SLOW (WE
DON’T PUSH FOR SEX WITH A YOUNG LADY
BEFORE MARRIAGE) WHEN WE REALLY LIKE
SOMEONE.
THE BEST WAY TO KNOW IF A GUY IS REALLY IN
LOVE IS BY HOW NERVOUS SHE MAKES HIM
WHENEVER SHE’S AROUND. THE MORE NERVOUS
WE ARE WHEN WE’RE NEAR A GIRL WE LIKE OR
WHEN WE’RE ON THE PHONE WITH HER THEN THE
31
MORE WE LIKE HER. BUT SOME OF US ARE
BETTER AT HIDING OUR NERVES THAN OTHERS.
(HINT)
MOST GUYS AREN’T AS CHATTY AS I AM WHICH
MAY BE WHY MOST GUYS DON’T WRITE NOTES.
(GENERALLY SPEAKING, GUYS THAT LIKE TO TALK
WILL ALSO LIKE TO WRITE.) I BRING THIS UP
BECAUSE IF A GUY IS MORE TALKATIVE THEN HE’S
MORE LIKELY TO SHOW HIS NERVOUSNESS BY
TALKING ABOUT MINDLESS STUFF OR SILLY STUFF
OR MAYBE HE TALKS REALLY FAST TO A GIRL HE
LIKES. GUYS THAT ARE QUIETER OR LESS
TALKATIVE MIGHT BE EVEN MORE QUIET AROUND
A GIRL THEY REALLY LIKE.
AND THOSE OF US THAT ARE REALLY SERIOUS
ABOUT A GIRL WILL START THINKING ABOUT
COLLEGE AND WHAT IT WILL TAKE TO ADEQUATELY
PROVIDE FOR A GORGEOUS WIFE THAT MAY HAVE
A REASONABLY DIFFICULT MOTHER-IN-LAW.
FOR EXAMPLE, I READ ABOUT A SMART WAY TO
CHOOSE THE RIGHT CAREER SO THAT WHOMEVER
I MARRY NEVER NEEDS TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY
BECAUSE I’LL EARN ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF
BOTH OF OUR NEEDS AND OUR CHILDREN’S
NEEDS. THERE’S AN ARTICLE ABOUT “THE
FINANCIAL MATH OF HOPE VS. DESPAIR” AT
ALEXOPALSTONE.COM THAT I LOOKED AT
RECENTLY. IT TALKS ABOUT THINKING ABOUT
EMERGENCY SAVINGS AND SMART INVESTING
32
AND OTHER EXPENSES FIRST BEFORE THINKING
ABOUT LIVING EXPENSES SO THAT WAY YOU PLAN
ON HAVING A SUFFICIENT AMOUNT FOR INCOME
NEEDS IN A MARRIAGE.
NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT SINCE I’VE READ THAT
ARTICLE I HAVE A MUCH BETTER CHANCE OF
MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICES AND BELIEVING IN
MY OWN ABILITY TO SUCCEED THAN HAD I NEVER
READ IT SO MY FUTURE WIFE WILL BE WELL TAKEN
CARE OF BY ME WHENEVER I EVENTUALLY MARRY.
I THINK IT WILL BE EASIER TO STRIVE TO EARN A
HALF A MILLION OR MORE A YEAR FOR TRUE
FINANCIAL SECURITY THAN IT WOULD BE TO
STRUGGLE AS MOST PEOPLE DO LIVING
PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK THEIR WHOLE LIVES.
I DON’T WANT TO LIVE PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK
AND HAVE MY WIFE WORRY ABOUT MONEY OR
NOT HAVE ENOUGH SAVED QUICKLY ENOUGH FOR
WHENEVER EMERGENCIES HAPPEN AND A LOT OF
MONEY IS SUDDENLY NEEDED TO SOLVE A
SERIOUS PROBLEM.
IT’S JUST LIKE THAT SAYING, “LIFE HAPPENS.” SO
I THINK MY FUTURE WIFE AND I WILL SLEEP BETTER
WHEN WE’RE ADEQUATELY PREPARED.
AND BESIDES, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DONATE
MORE GENEROUSLY TO THE CHARITIES I LIKE. SO
MANY OF THEM ARE DEPENDENT UPON MOST OF
THEIR DONATIONS FROM PEOPLE LIVING
33
PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK AND CAN'T GIVE VERY
MUCH.
IF I EARN PLENTY OF MONEY THEN NOT ONLY WILL
I HAVE A TRULY SELF-SUFFICIENT INCOME BUT I'LL
SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS AND
HOPEFULLY MORE PEOPLE WILL DO THE SAME. IN
FACT, I THINK I'LL EVEN ENCOURAGE PEOPLE FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE TO LEARN HOW TO EARN A
GREAT INCOME SO THAT THEY CAN BE SELF-
RELIANT AND DONATE GENEROUSLY AND
HOPEFULLY THEY'LL TEACH OTHERS HOW TO DO
THE SAME.
AND, BY THE WAY, EVEN THOUGH BECOMING
RICH WILL MAKE ME ALL THE MORE ATTRACTIVE
TO MOST WOMEN, THAT'S NOT THE ULTIMATE
DRIVING FORCE BEHIND MY MOTIVATION TO BE
PROSPEROUS.
DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. GUYS ARE
WEIRD ABOUT SEX. YES, SOME OF US ARE BUT
NOT ALL OF US. SOME OF US DO OUR BEST TO
BE DECENT AND TO SHOW GIRLS AND WOMEN
PROPER RESPECT. THOSE LESSONS TO GET US
TO BE DECENT HAVE TO BE DRILLED INTO US
OVER AND OVER STARTING AT A YOUNG AGE
THOUGH OR WE NEVER LEARN AND THEN IT’S
THOSE GUYS THAT BECOME REAL MONSTERS.
34
IF I EVER DO ANYTHING THAT OFFENDS YOU OR IS
DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU OR NOT DECENT IN
SOME WAY TO YOU THEN I WOULD HOPE YOU
WOULD TELL ME SO THAT I COULD HAVE THE
OPPORTUNITY TO CORRECT IT. YOU’RE CERTAINLY
WORTH IT AND SO IS OUR FRIENDSHIP.
ARE YOU GOING TO THE PARTY THIS FRIDAY? I’LL
SHOW UP IF YOU DO. SO LET ME KNOW. I HEARD
IT’S COSTUME OPTIONAL.
MOST LIKELY I WON’T DRESS IN A COSTUME BUT
I’LL JUST SHOW UP DRESSED NORMAL.
(ALTHOUGH I HEARD FROM MY GAY FRIEND THAT
THE SHIRT I WORE YESTERDAY REALLY DIDN’T
QUITE MATCH WITH THE REST OF MY OUTFIT AND
SO IT “FRIGHTENED” HIM SO MAYBE I’LL JUST
WEAR THAT AND IF IT SCARES PEOPLE AT THE
PARTY THEN I CAN JUST CLAIM IT’S MY
COSTUME.)
SEE YOU!
ME
35