YOU:
HEY! WHAT’S UP? HERE I AM IN OUR ENGLISH
CLASS JUST WRITING YOU A QUICK NOTE AND
ALREADY I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK. I GUESS
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS TO SOMEONE LIKE ME
THAT’S TRYING TO WRITE SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
WELL, ANYHOO… I THOUGHT I’D BREAK THE ICE
AND SAY “HI” AND TELL YOU ALSO THAT THERE IS
SNOW IN ALASKA. BUT YOU PROBABLY ALREADY
KNOW THAT. (GIRLS ARE SMARTER THAN US GUYS
THAT WAY.) IN FACT, YOU PROBABLY LEARNED
THAT YEARS BEFORE I DID. BUT THAT’S NOT WHY
I’M WRITING YOU.
RUMOR HAS IT THAT I’VE BROKEN UP WITH MY
LAST SO-CALLED STEADY GIRLFRIEND AND THAT
I’M INTERESTED IN SOMEONE ELSE THAT YOU AND
YOUR FRIENDS ARE TRYING TO FIND OUT ABOUT.
SO ALLOW ME TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT.
FIRST, I NEVER HAD A “STEADY” GIRLFRIEND.
I’VE JUST LIKED DIFFERENT GIRLS AND
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SOMETIMES PEOPLE SAY THINGS THAT AREN’T
TRUE. (SURPRISE, SURPRISE, RIGHT? WE’RE IN
HIGH SCHOOL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. RUMORS
HAPPEN.)
SECONDLY, WHEN I’M INTERESTED IN SOMEONE
ELSE, DEPENDING UPON HOW NERVOUS I AM
ABOUT IT ALL, I MAY OR MAY NOT TELL YOU.
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, I’M NOT TEXTING YOU
BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE OUT MY CELL PHONE
NUMBER TO MOST PEOPLE. MY OLDER BROTHER
GOT BULLIED ALL THE TIME AND SO MY FAMILY
BEGAN A NEW RULE THAT NONE OF US CAN HAVE
CELL PHONES THAT ARE FOR ANYTHING OTHER
THAN AN EMERGENCY.
YOU KNOW THOSE CHEAP DORKY PHONES THAT
COME WITH A SUPER SMALL SCREEN AND GET
LOUSY INTERNET SERVICE? THAT’S WHAT I’VE
GOT. SO THE OLD SCHOOL NOTE WRITING IS
WHAT I DO FROM TIME TO TIME INSTEAD OF
TEXTING OR E-MAILING FRIENDS.
ONCE I’M NINETEEN, THEN I CAN GET MY OWN
PHONE AND MY OWN SERVICE. SINCE I TURNED
EIGHTEEN RECENTLY, THAT'S NOT TOO LONG TO
WAIT.
PERSONALLY, I DON’T MIND BECAUSE AS LONG
AS STUPID PEOPLE WILL ABUSE OTHER PEOPLE’S
PHONE NUMBERS AND E-MAILS BY GIVING THEM
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CRAP MESSAGES THAT TRASH THEIR SELF-
ESTEEM THEN I DON’T NEED TO HEAR FROM
THOSE PEOPLE ANYWAY.
SO IF YOU’RE COOL WITH ME GIVING YOU NOTES
FROM TIME TO TIME, JUST LET ME KNOW AND I’LL
WRITE YOU AGAIN SOMETIME.
HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!
LATER!
ME
P. S. I DID NOT EDIT OR PROOFREAD THIS
NOTE. I DON’T PLAN ON DOING THAT WITH ANY
OTHERS EITHER. I ’M A HIGHSCHOOL STUDENT
AND NOT A TYPICAL EDITOR THAT CARES MORE
ABOUT GRAMMAR AND TYPOS INSTEAD OF
PRINCIPLES. (HOWEVER, I THINK MY HIGH HORSE
IS NOW THROWING ME OFF.)
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SEPTEMBER 17
YOU:
YOU SAID YOU WERE COOL WITH NOTES AND
YOU’D LIKE ANOTHER ONE SO HERE IT IS.
OK. GOT TO GO NOW.
JUST KIDDING. SO WHAT’S UP? DID YOU HEAR
ABOUT THAT KID (A. H.) THAT CUSSED OUT THAT
TEACHER AT LUNCH YESTERDAY? WHAT A DORK!
PERSONALLY, I TRY NOT TO EVER CUSS. SO
WHEN I HEARD HE GOT IN TROUBLE FOR CUSSING
AT A TEACHER, I WAS IN SHOCK.
OH, BY THE WAY. . . FOR PRIVACY IN CASE
SOMEONE ELSE EVER FINDS ANY OF THESE
NOTES, WHEN I WRITE ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE
THAT WE BOTH KNOW OF, INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY
WRITING OUT THEIR NAME I’LL JUST USE THEIR
INITIALS. I FIGURE IF MAYBE I HAVE SOME INFO
WRONG THEN THE LEAST I CAN DO IS PROTECT
THE REPUTATION OF WHOMEVER IT IS I’M
WRITING ABOUT. I THINK THAT’S THE DECENT
THING TO DO UNTIL FACTS ARE. . . LIKE. . .
CONFIRMED.
YOU ASKED ME ABOUT MY HANDWRITING. YES,
SOME SAY I HAVE NEAT HANDWRITING. ALL I CAN
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SAY IS THAT THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU
ENJOY DRAWING IN YOUR SPARE TIME. (YES, I’M
GOOD WITH EITHER A PEN OR PENCIL.)
I’M NOT A WOMEN’S FASHION EXPERT BUT I
REALLY LIKE WHAT YOU’RE WEARING TODAY. YOU
LOOK REALLY GOOD (JUST IN CASE YOU WERE
WONDERING. NOT THAT YOU WERE OR ANYTHING).
I MENTION THAT BECAUSE SOME GIRLS LOOK
TOO. . . OH WHAT’S THE WORD I’M LOOKING
FOR? . . . SLUTTY. IT’S NOT THE NICEST WORD
BUT IT BUGS ME WHEN GIRLS LOOK LIKE EVERY
OTHER GIRL OUT THERE THAT THINKS THAT
SHOWING SKIN IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET A GUY.
JUST SO YOU KNOW, I WISH MORE GIRLS
DRESSED MORE MODESTLY AND WITH GOOD
TASTE LIKE YOU DO. YOUR SHORTS ARE ALWAYS
AT LEAST KNEE LENGTH, YOU NEVER WEAR MID-
DRIFT TOPS AND YOUR SLEEVES COVER AT LEAST
PART OF YOUR SHOULDER. SPAGHETTI STRAP
TOPS OR STRAPLESS TOPS ARE JUST TOO SLEAZY
LOOKING. GIRLS THAT WEAR LOW CUT, CLEAVAGE
REVEALING TOPS MAY AS WELL HAVE A SIGN ON
THEM THAT SAYS “WILLING TO GET OR GIVE ANY
S.T.I AVAILABLE”.
I'M SOOO GLAD YOU'RE NOT LIKE SO MANY GIRLS
OUT THERE THAT DRESS SO CHEAPLY REGARDING
MORALS. THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOT LIKELY TO GET
COSMETIC BREASTS EITHER. THANK GOODNESS
TOO SINCE I PREFER AUTHENTICITY IN A WOMAN.
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IT'S SO STUPID, IN MY OPINION, TO GO INTO
DEBT OR PAY TO LOOK FAKE. GIVE ME A BREAK!
SO ANYHOO . . . YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY. AND
YES, SOMETIMES I REPEAT MYSELF LIKE WHEN I
SAY THINGS LIKE “YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY” AND
I MENTION IT MORE THAN ONCE. SO NOW YOU
KNOW THAT SOMETIMES I REPEAT MYSELF. DID I
ALREADY TELL YOU THAT SOMETIMES I REPEAT
MYSELF? JUST KIDDING.
WELL, I’LL END THIS NOTE BEFORE YOU CRY IN
BOREDOM.
AND BY THE WAY. . . IF YOU LEARNED WHEN YOU
WERE THREE THAT ALASKA HAS SNOW THEN
THAT’S ONLY ABOUT TEN YEARS EARLIER THAN I
DID. SO I’M NOT TOO FAR BEHIND YOU ON THAT
ONE. (HA) AND NO, I’M NOT ENVIOUS AT ALL
OVER THE FACT THAT YOU TAKE MORE HONORS
CLASSES THAN I DO (WHICH IS A LOT SINCE I’M
NOT IN ANY AT ALL). BUT IF YOU THINK YOU’RE
SMARTER THAN ME THEN JUST KNOW THAT YOU
CAN’T FOOL ME. . . BECAUSE I’M ONTO YOU.
(OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE SMARTER.)
AND SOMETHING YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND
ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW ME: ONE BENEFIT OF
DOING SO IS THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY
THAT YOU AND I WILL SHOW UP WEARING THE
EXACT SAME OUTFIT TO SCHOOL ON THE SAME
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DAY. (AND IF THAT EVER DID HAPPEN THEN I
GUESS I CAN JUST HOPE I LOOK GOOD IN A
LADIES OUTFIT BECAUSE MY MIND WILL
OBVIOUSLY BE ELSEWHERE . . . AS IN GONE . . .
WAAAAAY GONE. THIS MAY ALREADY BE WHAT
YOU THINK OF ME WITH THESE NOTES. OH WELL.)
SEE YOU LATER!
ME
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[First anonymous note you find in your locker.
It’s typed so it doesn’t match any handwriting so
it will take longer for you to figure out who these
secret love letters are from.]
September 24
Did you know that I love to drive? I absolutely
love driving! I love the feel of sitting behind the
wheel and handling the curves of the road like a
master artisan. I love the sounds of my favorite
tunes blasting away in stereo in my ears.
I love going with my Dad every year to get a new car
to replace his old one because not only do I
absolutely love that new car smell but also
because there’s a good chance he’ll let me drive
it once or twice. (In fact, he said recently that
since I’ve got my license that he might just let
me take his car on a date instead of just for
occasional trips to the grocery store. Sweet!)
But I’d trade a great drive on a day with perfect
weather just to be in one of our classes being
lectured by one of our teachers simply because,
although I wouldn’t be in bliss behind the wheel,
I’d be in bliss sitting near you.
Love,
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Your Secret Admirer
Come with me and I’ll show you night skies of
Stars that grow the reddest roses
Their long stems of light
Dipping their fragrant petals
That bloom and grow
Into earth’s gravity they gently flow
While spilling earthbound bulbs of fire into the
night…
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SEPTEMBER 25
YOU:
YOU ASKED ME IF I COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE IN
THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD I WANT TO GO. WELL,
OTHER THAN TO YOUR HOUSE (JUST KIDDING . . .
SORT OF . . . DO YOU HAVE ANY LIVERWURST IN
YOUR HOME? BECAUSE IF YOU DO THAT’S A
GREAT WAY TO KEEP ME FROM EVER VISITING.
EXPERTS CONCLUDE THAT LIVERWURST IS A
NATURAL REPELLANT. I KNOW BECAUSE I’M THE
EXPERT THAT WROTE THE REPORT ON IT). I WOULD
LIKE TO TAKE A ROAD TRIP RIGHT HERE ACROSS
THE UNITED STATES. I THINK AMERICA IS GREAT!
DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LIKE ANY OTHER COUNTRY,
THAT’S NOT IT. BUT I WILL SAY THAT
UNDERSTANDING U.S. HISTORY AS I DO, AND
KNOWING HOW COMMON IT IS FOR THE VAST
MAJORITY OF OTHER COUNTRIES TO RULE IN
TYRANNY AND DICTATORSHIPS OVER THEIR
PEOPLE, USING AND ABUSING THEIR OWN PEOPLE
AS SLAVES, WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO VISIT
ANYWHERE ELSE? JUST THE IDEA OF VISITING A
GROUP OF PEOPLE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY THAT
ARE LIVING IN MISERY AND MY NOT BEING ABLE
TO DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT WOULD MAKE ME
SICK TO MY STOMACH.
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I CARE A LOT ABOUT HOW INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE
TREATED OR MISTREATED. I GUESS I’M A SOFTIE
AT HEART THAT WAY. AND IF SOME PEOPLE DON’T
THINK THAT’S VERY “MANLY” THEN OH WELL. I’M
ONLY EIGHTTEEN AND I MAY NOT BE AN OLDER
“MAN” YET BUT I KNOW THAT THE WORLD’S
DEFINITION OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN AND
WHAT MY DEFINITION IS ARE TWO DIFFERENT
THINGS. I’D LIKE TO THINK THAT MY DEFINITION
OF WHAT A “REAL MAN” IS IS MORE IN
ALIGNMENT WITH GOD’S DEFINITION. AND I
BELIEVE GOD LOVES EVERYBODY . . . EVEN IF
SOME OF US SHOW UP AT SCHOOL DRESSED IN
THE SAME OUTFIT AS AN OPPOSITE SEX FRIEND.
BY THE WAY, HOW OLD ARE YOU? ARE YOU THE
SAME AGE AS ME? I ASSUME YOU ARE SINCE
WE’RE BOTH SENIORS. JUST WONDERING.
BUT BACK TO TRAVELING. SO YOU SAID YOU’D
LIKE TO VISIT “THE MEN’S RESTROOM WHEN NO
ONE IS IN IT” SO YOU COULD TAKE DIRT SAMPLES
FOR YOUR BIOLOGY PROJECT. AND WHAT MAKES
YOU THINK THAT THE LADIES ROOM IS CLEANER
THAN THE MEN’S ROOM. . .OTHER THAN THE
FACT THAT IT’S TRUE? (AND AS GROSS AS THAT
IMAGE IS IN MY MIND – HAVING FREQUENTED THE
MEN’S ROOM MYSELF MANY TIMES IN MY YOUNG
LIFE – AMAZINGLY, I STILL LIKE YOU.)
SO BESIDES AN EMPTY MEN’S ROOM, WHERE
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WOULD YOU REALLY LIKE TO VISIT? LET ME KNOW.
IF MY NOTE TODAY IS EXTRA WEIRD IT’S ONLY
BECAUSE I’M HIGH FROM THE PAINT FUMES AT
OUR HOUSE. MY MOM IS HAVING THE ENTRY WAY
AND A FEW OTHER ROOMS PAINTED TODAY AND
THE PAINTER SHOWED UP EARLY. WE HIRED A
BLIND PAINTER BUT HE DOES A GREAT JOB.
LATER!
ME
P.S. YOU SAID YOU LIKE PUMPKIN. MY MOM
MAKES GREAT PUMPKIN PANCAKES WITH THIS
AMAZING SIDE FROSTING. IF I LEARN TO MAKE
THEM SOON AND I BROUGHT SOME TO LUNCH,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY SOME?
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