This is a little difficult to ascertain, but with experience and wisdom (minus prejudices) you’ll be able to spot the good ones nearly upon first encounter. Even better, you should become more adept at maneuvering yourself into situations where you come in contact with a lot of positive characters, so you don’t have to be on your guard too often.
Now do you see why picking up dates in a bar is so difficult? You have only a few minutes to pick them out. (And some of these places are dimly-lit!) Worse, you only met them a few minutes ago. You don’t get to see them “in action” or in real life.
You can be more confident about the potential dates you’ll meet if you meet them at a place or event where they’re themselves. They’re dressed in a manner they usually do most
of the time, and act like they do most of the time. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to meet them several times, and each time
you’ll discover something interesting or captivating about them.
In other words, look before you leap, or ask a person out. Before anything else, you need to investigate if the person really is who he or she seems to be.
(Yes, you may have created a large, positive environment for yourself by now, but that doesn’t rule out the possibility that a negative person in disguise will saunter into your world.)
Don’t go by first impressions alone. If you’ve done well in expanding your horizons and staying positive, you’ll actually have the patience and wisdom to discern who are “the good, the
bad, and the ugly”. Get to know this man or woman who you’re attracted to. Find subtle ways to ask or test what this
person’s likes or dislikes are, what they’ve dedicated their lives to doing, what their beliefs are, what they value, etc. You’ll be able to see if a person is sincere, has a good character, and is exactly the type you want.
Assumption #2: The person you’re attracted to is willing to go on a date with you.
Despite what some of your “dating expert” friends might claim, you can only persuade someone to go out with you if they’re willing to consider going out with you in the first place.
Before asking someone out, find out: Are they attracted to you, and how strongly? If the feeling’s mutual, sparks will fly and asking the person out on a date will be relatively easy to do, because your whole being compels you to do so!
If they’re not that interested, is it because you haven’t tried speaking to one another yet? Perhaps the two of you haven’t had time to really interact. Is there anything you can do to heighten that interest?
If you consciously start with these assumptions, you’ll begin see to see why the method of approach you’ll end up using most of the time is what I like to call investigative flirting.
To illustrate what investigative flirting is, I shall return to the singles’ bar scene and use that as an example of what it isn’t.
In a situation like the singles’ bar, flirting frequently becomes quick and obvious. Everybody knows everyone else is in there to scope out the prospects and the competition. It’s hard to be suave and subtle. With only minutes or a few hours per encounter, it’s difficult to properly investigate if a particular attractive woman or man is truly worth dating. And with competition lurking around, there’s little time to sell yourself and “persuade” the other person that you’re worth dating, too. The whole situation becomes a concentrated dating-hunting game where you’ll need pick-up lines or methods to hook in your prey in the shortest time possible, and end up with your new prospect’s phone number in your cell phone or (stereotypically) scribbled on tissue napkin.
In contrast, investigative flirting doesn’t have to rely on pick-up lines. Instead, it simply requires that you first place yourself first in a natural “setting” or situation where you have other valid reasons for being there, apart from scoping the scene for a date. Your encounters with a prospective date are less contrived, less hurried. You frequently have more time to talk to the person about different topics, and get to know him
or her better. You subsequently have more ways of asking that person out for a date.
So how does investigative flirting look and feel like? Your main goal in this type of flirting is to find out more
about the person, before you even ask him or her out. Therefore, the main characteristics of this approach are:
• The emphasis on asking questions in order to reveal more details about the other person.
• The emphasis on watching and listening to the other person.
• A wide range of topics for conversation.
• Natural, unfeigned interest in the other person’s complete character and life.
• Conversation feels natural, de-stressing, and exciting.
• Involves frequent, sincere gestures of kindness towards the other person.
I’d like to emphasize here the sincere gestures of kindness. Too often, flirting has come to mean presenting yourself in a sexy, positive light to the other person—and nothing else.
When this happens, there’s just too much emphasis on yourself. It shouldn’t be that way.
Flirting is a dual-focus act. You not only have to think about yourself, but the other person as well. The best flirting moves are those that not only make you look attractive to the other person, but also make the other person feel appreciated. And when it comes to achieving both, nothing else comes close to sincere gestures of kindness.
If you still doubt the power of kindness in flirting, just imagine what it would be like for you to be on the receiving end. Picture a physically attractive woman or man who shows a
sincere interest in what you say, and who you are. And then imagine how you’ll feel when that person goes even further, and does or says something kind and thoughtful just for you.
In short, you get bowled over!
And so, when you set out to do some investigative flirting on your own, don’t worry too much over how sophisticated or witty you have to be in order to impress the person you’re attracted to. Go past that, and focus more on what you ought to say or do in order to draw out the best in that person’s real character.
Here’s yet another dose of reality. There will be times when you’ll meet someone