Mixin' Misery & Skiin' - Heinsian Skiboy in Western Music by Gary Heins - HTML preview

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Yes, I edged hard,

but it's just no good;

I may never ski free

a whole season,

And I can't expect for you

to teach too long;

But I'll say one more time

'bout my skiin':

I wish I skied this way alone.

Yes, I'll say one more time

'bout my skiin':

I wish I skied this way alone.

62 -- MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

Ah, another Merle Haggard classic, "Swingin' Doors,"

made it possible for Gary's favorite skier-tonk song. This one'll surely make Merle wish he'd taken up skiing. From 1996, it's the classic message about a guy using skiing as a crutch to get away from his troubles:

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 63

Swingin' Poles

This cold-smoke-filled ski-run's

something I could get used to---

I came up here 'cause I ain't satisfied;

And I just called to let you know

I've taken up skiin'---

It's not much, but I feel welcome

on-the chair rides.

And I've got swingin' poles,

a chair-lift, and I'm in Ski School;

And my new home has a rash o'

Black-Diamond signs;

Stop by, and ski with me

anytime you want to,

'Cause I'm always here skiin' down

till closin' time.

I've got every steep I need

to carve me crazy,

And I've got all the deep it takes

to lose my mind;

And, up here, the atmosphere

can hide a heartache;

Thanks to you, I ride these chairs

till closin' time.

-------

And I've got swingin' poles,

a chair-lift, and I'm in Ski School;

And my new home has a rash o'

Black-Diamond signs;

Stop by, and ski with me

anytime you want to,

'Cause I'm always here skiin' down

till closin' time.

64 -- MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

Like "One Turn At a Time," the minute Gary heard this 1997 Tracy Lawrence song, "Is That a Tear I Hear?" he knew he had to find a way to work it into a ski song. This is one of Gary's absolute favorites, as he's done a lot of video analysis for more students than just the ones he's personally had out on the slopes. Another fictitious song in Gary's case---it's important to Gary you know that,---he could imagine the jealous torture in the line "And I'd like to know who gave her that pole-plant." The "other instructor" in the song is a great instructor, which is definitely indicated by that "pole plant" scene, as only a handful of instructors ever get around to teaching a certain key pole-plant that makes all the difference between staying advanced or becoming expert.

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 65

The Instruction Here

I Fear

Last thing I expected

was to see her skiin' right,

'Cause the last time that I taught her

turned into one big fight;

But, when I skied down this evenin',

there it was on my video screen---

And I'm just wonderin'

where she learned her skiin':

She had angles right for edgin',

and her up-n-down was fine---

I'd run it back and watched her

ski those turns a hundred times.

Somethin' makes me wonder

how she learned to carve that ice---

The instruction here I fear's

another guy's.

First time that I saw it,

I thought, "Boy, that girl can carve!"

---But, the second time I watched it,

I thought, "But where'd she get the nerve?"

Man, that girl was really ski-in',

that girl who'd said she cain't,

And I'd like to know

who gave her that pole plant.

She had angles right for edgin',

and her up-n-down was fine---

I'd run it back and watch her

ski those turns a hundred times.

Somethin' makes me wonder

how she learned to carve that ice---

The instruction here I fear's

another guy's.

66 -- MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

Oh, man, talk about explicit skiual detail---this was a fun one to write. It is a common knowledge that "skiing can be better than sex," and this song illustrates it, much to her dismay. Maybe he's just too tired from skiing to have sex, and maybe he needs to save his energy for a big ski day tomorrow; at any rate, she doesn't have it figured out and has to wrestle with it. A nice remake of the Crystal Gayle classic

"Talkin' In Your Sleep," which Reba McEntire did too by the way, from late 2010:

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 67

Skiin' In Your Sleep

Three o'clock in the mornin',

and it looks like it's gonna be another

steep-filled night---

I've been tossing with your turns and gettin' very cold, Wonderin' what I can do:

Maybe I'm bein' foolish,

'cause I haven't heard you mention a

spe-ci-fic run at all---

How I wish I could be sure it's not just

skiing that turns you on---

Each time you close your eyes,

I've heard it said that "skiin's better'n sex."

You've been skiin' in your sleep,

steepin' in your dreams . . . with some deep pow-der, Skiing runs so tight,

lovin' 'em the way . . . you're s'posed to love me---

Talkin' in your sleep with skiin' on your mind.

Maybe I'm bein' foolish,

'Cause I haven't heard you mention a

spe-ci-fic run at all

How I wish I could be sure it's me that's

"skiing you down"---

Each time you close your eyes,

I've heard it said that "skiin's better'n sex."

'Cause you've been skiin' in your sleep,

Steepin' in your dreams . . . with some steep pow-der, And skiing runs so tight,

lovin' 'em the way . . . you're s'posed to love me---

Bouncin' in your sleep with skiin' on your mind. . . .

---You've been ski-ing in your sleep.

68 -- MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

Gary's Heinsian DOWNHILL SKIING manual, One Good Turn Deserves Another, writes extensively about the importance of using long well-finished C-shaped turns, one at a time, any time you encounter a new slope difficulty or snow condition. Many students are too impatient to try Gary's easy homework for any length of time---they want it all right now and quickly learn to spend their ski-life putting out fires with dysfunctional Z-turns rather than skiing in control with dynamic S's, of which the C's are prerequisite. The

"beautiful ski-run" in this song, typical of the poshest ski re-sorts, may be steep, but it's wide open and almost always groomed to the point of being sterile, except for immediately after a storm. Deep powder is probably the biggest joy in skiing, but, because most lesson programs are overly influ-enced by Olympic Gold Medal racers preaching "carve, carve, carve," and hardly ever one decent turn at a time, the average vacationing skier never really gets permission to ski down the mountain at their own level---they are so busy worrying about locking their knee on edge they never get a chance to learn speed control down a narrow corridor; and they almost never get introduced to powder the proper easy way steep or flat. To make a long story short, when the conditions are easy, key lessons get skipped; then, on the day a woman like this needs the skills, she doesn't have them . . .

and doesn't have the foggiest idea what she can do in the meantime to be proactive. A 1997 version of Johnny Paycheck:

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 69

Slide Off

Of Your Satin Steeps

What a beautiful ski-run

you were took to:

Groomed runs, Lord,

you've got 'em, bowl to bowl.

And yet, with all of that,

you still can't ski:

'Cause, every time it snows,

you fall and call.

Slide off of your satin steeps,

slip into your three-feet deep;

Ski C's toward the valley floor---

don't know what you're Z-turning for.

Slide off of your satin steeps,

slip into your three-feet deep;

Ski C's toward the valley floor---

don't know what you're traversing for.

Your Baby once told me

I was good for nothin',

'Cause I wasn't in the magazines

or famous Halls.

His money buys you everything

but My Teachin',

So I guess I'm good for somethin'

after all.

Slide off of your satin steeps,

slip into your three-feet deep;

Ski C's toward the valley floor---

don't know what you're Z-turning for.

Slide off of your satin steeps,

slip into your three-feet deep;

Ski C's toward the valley floor---

and soon you'll be S-turning more.

70 -- MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

Here again, the jealous-ski-instructor motif in fool swing. Gary used to teach skiing at Bridger Bowl, Montana-

--powder forbid his girl would find his lessons too stressful and head on down the road for some decent instruction.

You realize, like "Corbett's," "Ridin' the Chairs," and "The Instruction Here," this is fiction in Gary's case---there is no girl-friend he couldn't teach. Anyway, the 1996 remake of George Strait's "Baby's Gotten Good At Good-bye."

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 71

Baby's Gettin' Good

At Big Sky

What a rotten day . . . this turned out to be; I still can't believe . . . she'd ski so easily: She just got on her skis, with a confident style, Then she rode a pure carve, and said after awhile She'd done this before, but somewhere else, not with me.

That's why I'm sittin' on the chair-lift,

starin' at the snow,

Wonderin' if she'll fall back---

this time I don't know.

In the snow-pack, when we looked back,

there were more turns in her lines;

And that's got me worried, thinkin'

maybe my Baby's . . . gettin' good at Big Sky.

All the turns before, . . . she'd fall down and cry; She'd make her threats, but her heart wasn't set on much try; I guess I wanted her to fear what I had to say; Now I'm lost for words, since she's been away; She knows how to turn, for this time she didn't cry.

That's why I'm sittin' on the chair-lift,

starin' at the snow,

Wonderin' if she'll fall back---

this time I don't know.

In the snow-pack, when we looked back,

there were more turns in her lines;

And that's got me worried, thinkin'

maybe my Baby's . . . gettin' good at Big Sky.

72 -- MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

Gary wasn't going to rewrite George Strait's "All My Exes Live In Texas," but, in 1996, once he looked at it, it was too tempting not to finish. It's another song about the inher-ent dangers of mixing skiing and romance. You'd think that Grand Targhee, Gary's equivalent to Tennessee, would have something like a Nashville Bowl, a sort of Grand Ole Opry or mecca for skiboy-n-western music.

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 73

All My Action

Skis In Jackson

All my action skis in Jackson,

and Jackson is a place I nearly love to ski; But all my action skis in Jackson,

and that's why I ride the chairs in Grand Targhee.

Rosanna, who now rides the tram-car,

wanted me to be her croon;

Steep Eileen, the Powder Queen---

thanks God I taught her how to turn;

And Alison, who's stuck on green runs,

somehow lost her nerve to ski;

And Dimples who skis Blues too simple's

got Ski Patrol lookin' for me.

All my action skis in Jackson,

and Jackson is a place I nearly love to ski; But all my action skis in Jackson,

and that's why I ride the chairs in Grand Targhee.

I remember that old Ski School up there,

where I learned 'em skiin':

It brings to mind all the times

when I spread my self too thin;

By Transcendental Meditation,

I ski there each night,

But I always come back to myself

long before ski-light.

All my action skis in Jackson,

and Jackson is a place I nearly love to ski; But all my action skis in Jackson,

and that's why I ride the chairs in Grand Targhee.

Some folks think I'm hidin'

it's been rumored that I died;

But I'm alive and well in Grand Targhee.

74 -- MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

Ah, more Merle Haggard, "Tonight the Bottle Let Me Down"---but the 1996 skiboy version is even more ironic.

You think the alcoholic has it bad when the bottle lets him down---but how much more miserable can it get than having an expensive ski-lift, and something as fun as skiing, let you down?! Merle is probably counting his lucky stars and thanking God right now for never falling for the "Swingin'

Poles" notion of "takin' up skiin'."

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 75

Today the Ski-Lift

Let Me Down

Each day, I ride these ski-runs

to recover,

Not feeling any pain at

closin' time;

But today your memory found me

much too sober---

I didn't ski enough to

keep you off my mind.

Today, the ski-lift

let me down

and let your memory

come around;

The one true friend I

thought I'd found---

Today, the ski-lift

let me down.

I've always had a ski-lift I

could turn to,

And lately I've been turning