Mixin' Misery & Skiin' - Heinsian Skiboy in Western Music by Gary Heins - HTML preview

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All the SongWriters

from Nashville and behind


Ski-boys & Ski-girls



Special Thanks

to the earlier "frontier justice"

Jackson Hole Ski School




Skiers-- If you're sick of the turns the ski culture has taken in recent years toward obnoxious music and behavior, away from why we all started skiing in the first place, you are in for a treat.

MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN' , with "ski-puns ablazin'," now you can read, or maybe hear live, the funnest remakes of Strait, Haggard, Jones, Thompson, Campbell, Price, and more---fifty songs includ-ing:

Jackson Hole By Mornin'

Ski Area Del Rey

Swingin' Poles

Today the Ski-Lift Let Me Down

Ski-Lift To-Go

Skiin' In Your Sleep

He Stopped Skiing Here That Day

One Turn At a Time

For the Good Turns

Sunday Mornin' Skiin' Down

"The First of the Singin' Skiboys," as Marshall Tucker might put it, GARY HEINS, lone skiboy of the SWINGIN' G WINTER

RANGE, worked on many of these songs while living in exile away from national PSIA ski instructor politics and pecking orders---"I felt maybe like Merle Haggard in San Quentin'," he says, "and I knew I had to somehow turn my life around if I was going to get back into the ski business." Treat skiing like what it really is: hard ranch work with a hard drinkin' problem, complete with unrequited love, money problems, and dysfunctional PSIA Politics. ---

It's one man verses PSIA: "The Ski School Business is going to get my verse before it gets better," says Gary, "I'll stick to my puns on that."

Country Music Fans-- You don't have to be addicted to skiing to enjoy these songs anymore than you have to be an alcoholic losing your third wife to enjoy regular country music. See how skiers use skiing as a crutch; and, if you want to hear a guy who "can sing like he don't need the money"---



"Parallel Singin'"--and..."Country-Diction In Turns"



Good Gravy, Another









(Lyrics with plenty of Info)







Published by:


PO Box 784

Saint Johns, Arizona 85936

All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in critical reviews.

Copyright © 1982-2011 Gary Lee Heins


2011 901921














Good skiboy-n-western music can be dangerous stuff, as it tends to be far more physical, mental, . . .

and emotional . . . than other kinds of lyrics. It can be more dangerous than a dad watching and cheering his son at a wrestling meet. You might want to do some warm-up stretching exercises before reading some of these songs. The author and publisher cannot be held responsible for injuries suffered, by a reader . . . or from a reader, . . . whether physical, mental, or emotional, while reading or listening to these song lyrics.


"All Writes Reversed."





Intro--What is Skiboy-n-Western Music? . . . . . . . . .11

Jackson Hole By Mornin' ***


Steeps of Jackson Hole


Wichita Ski-man


Does Corbett's Ever Cross Your Mind?


Jackson Hole Snows


Ski-Shores of Old Jackson Hole


Another Jackson Hole Memory


Ski Area Del Rey ***


Last Skier's Waltz


Ski-In-n-Out Property


Skiin' Champagne


He Stopped Skiin' Here That Day


We Skied The Big One


Black-Diamond Waltz


One Turn At a Time ***


Double Black-Diamond


For the Good Turns ***


You Can't Make A Good Turn Without Me


The Chair-Lift


A Little Edgin's Rubbin' Off On Me


I Wish I Skied This Way Alone



Swingin' Poles


The Instruction Here I Fear ***


Skiin' In Your Sleep


Slide Off of Your Satin Steeps


Baby's Gettin' Good At Big Sky


All My Action Skis In Jackson


Today the Ski-Lift Let Me Down


Misery n Skiin'


Back To the Ski-Runs Again


Ridin' the Chairs Over You


The Girl I Cain't Ski Down


Thrill of a Gnarly Fall


Sunday Mornin' Skiing Down ***


My Old Flame's Out Turnin'---


Ski-Lift To-Go


Dusty Skis


Faded Gloves


Rose-Colored Goggles


A Better Way To Ski


When Did You Stop Skiin' Free?


Beyond the Black-Diamond


First Of the Silver-Screen Skiboys ***


Back In My Ski-Boots Again


Rhinestone Skiboy ***


Fun Ski-boy ***


Hole Jackson, Oh, Hole Jackson


No, I Won't Have To Use a Gun ***


They Know I'll Mention It Again


Don't Be a Statue


10 -- Intro to MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 11

What Is



And who is this man who writes it?--

If you've read our other books, you probably know the story about how they took Gary's cowboy hat away at age 4, which was a main turning point in his becoming a ski instructor "instead of just a misfit cowboy." While skiing and teaching Out West, he started to recall his old intentions, got his hat back, and didn't feel bashful about hanging out in smoke-filled honky-tonks with country music playing. Their taking away his hat at that tender age basically back-fired in the end, and this book is a sort of steep revenge for Assaults On Individuality---this brings us up-to-date.

So, you may think of Gary Heins more as just a ski instructor and skiboy poet ("just"---that's not the right word), but a huge side-show and off-shoot of his ski-boy poetry is his SKIBOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC, parodies of classic country-western songs. In fact, his most-clever lyrics not only delve deep into the nooks and crannies of his Swingin' G brand of DOWNHILL SKIING, they are highly instructional as well---he goes the extra ten-thousand miles compared to probably 99.999% of all other ski instructors in the History of Skiing. And he's bridging a gap, if you will, as many skiers are not necessarily country music fans---the ones who are feel pushed out by radical snowboarders and their taste for rap music. Very few young skiers are into George Strait and the like, but they could be most interested in some new music about skiing, even if it is curious country. Gary's make-believe band is GARY HEINS & His DUAL GS SKIBOY BAND. So GS can stand for classic Giant Slalom ski racing, the one ski-racing event accessible to almost any skier, . .

. or for George Strait---it's Dual GS in more ways than one.

The Dual GS event is medium-to-long ski turns that can be

12 -- Intro to MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

done nicely on low-intermediate terrain, for timid skiers or pro racers either-one. A GS course like this is easy to stay in, but it takes a lot of technique and effort to go faster than the rest---racers do not coast, but timid skiers are welcome to. You can tell when someone is ignorant about ski-racing technique and effort when they talk about "ski-wax being the only deciding factor." The Dual comes in when you have two GS courses side-by-side, so that Mom and her 9-year-old son can dog each on the way down---sounds more like a Duel with an "e." At any rate, a nifty-n-casual Dual GS event can be set up any time during the ski season, without a bunch of new snow, to liven up otherwise boring conditions. . . . When people aren't doing something special like GS racing, they are often relaxed out skiing crud, left-over powder. ---Hence, GARY HEINS

SINGIN' CRUD, as country music tends to be very relaxed, is Gary's lower-key venue, and a high percentage of snobbish people view country music as being cruddy---but crud is a good thing, in both cases, for the fans of country music or skiing alike.

There have been people rewriting song-lyrics probably forever, but it seems to be just random stuff here-or-there about whatever.

Weird Al Yankovich seems to be the only one people remember for a bunch of song parodies---he's made millions$$$,---but, in some people's opinion, his stuff is pretty contrived and not that great.

Gary's song parodies focus on a whole new genre of its own, MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN' , for a starving ski culture numbering in the tens-of-millions.

Being a big fan and having a voice similar to George Strait's, Gary mainly starts with George Strait music; but he will look at other artists who have a workable song, maybe even finding some other skiing friends who match the various other voices. Coming mainly from The Big One, Jackson Hole Ski Area, Gary likes relat-ing Jackson to Texas---and there are quite a few vacationing skiers out of Big Texas, come to think of it, who do know quite a bit about George Strait but wish they knew more about skiing. As you'll see, some of Gary's best classics include "Jackson Hole By Mornin'," "Ski Area Del Rey," "Jackson Hole Snows," "Ski-In-n-Out Property,"

"Faded Gloves," "Thrill Of a Gnarly Fall," "A Better Way To Ski,"

and "Baby's Gettin' Good At Big Sky." "One Turn At a Time" especially rings true with Gary's Heinsian DOWNHILL SKIING manual One Good Turn Deserves Another. Other greats include songs from Merle Haggard, like "Swingin' Poles," "Misery n Skiin'," and

"Today the Ski-Lift Let Me Down." Later in his inspiration, he was able to add Glenn Campbell to his list: "Hole Jackson, Oh, Hole

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 13

Jackson," "Wichita Ski-Man," and "Rhinestone Skiboy." Gary's newer favorite is Ray Price: "For the Good Turns" and "No, I Won't Have To Use A-Gun"---he tried to rewrite "You're the Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me," for his love for PSIA, the organization that's irritated him enough to make him want to go the extra ten-thousand miles, but he found that every original syllable was already right on---but it would have been Gary's "Boy Named Sue"

tribute to PSIA. Two really important songs that came late are: Johnny Cash remake "Sunday Mornin' Skiin' Down" and Rex Allen remake "First Of the Silver-Screen Skiboys."

A whole new genre in country music, Gary's SKIBOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC lyrics offer an alturnative to an increasingly mis-guided ski-town society, an alturnative to obnoxious rap music and

"boarder town" culture. (This paragraph was written in 1997 is even more true in 2011.) Many older skiers have all but quit skiing, perhaps because of the new counter-culture or lack of any kind of homespun culture to begin with; but now they have somewhere to turn for a more homely approach, an approach often treating skiing like hard ranch work---after all, the job of a skiboy is to ski to pack snow for summer irrigation water, a job similar to breaking in a horse or managing the herd or putting up hay. You'll notice Gary's SKIBOY MUSIC genre also often treating skiing in a most humor-ous way like a drinking problem, and dealing with the ongoing struggles between men-n-women---the two problems often go together, and then you've got the hard ranch life and money problems right with it, and on and on and on. So Gary, like so many others, uses skiing as a crutch, to get away from his troubles. Then a pro ski racer has a similar lifestyle as a rodeo cowboy, on the road all the time and dependent on winning, as seen in "Jackson Hole By Mornin'." Amarillo becomes Jackson Hole, as does San Antone, and Texas becomes Jackson; only Gary Heins has the ability to turn

"Swingin' Doors" into "Swingin' Poles," to turn bar-tenders into chair-tenders, smoke-filled bar-rooms into cold-smoke-filled ski-runs, a bar stool into ski school, the blue-neon into a black-diamond, to turn "closing time" from 2-in-the-morning to 4-in-the-afternoon. Country music has always had a reputation for being too low and depressing, with all the drinking and money problems and unrequited love going down: well, skiing is an addiction for many people, and skiers have their problems with love and real-life too---

it is downright fun to treat skiing like a drinking problem . . . and let all the love-lorn turn to the ski-lift rather than the bottle. . . . His cheatin' songs are often riddled with explicit skiual detail, as in his

14 -- Intro to MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

Crystal Gayle remake, "Skiin' In Your Sleep," or his Tracy Lawrence remake, "The Instruction Here I Fear," where he'd "like to know who gave her that pole-plant"---there's a fun line between "teachin'

n cheatin'." It's no oxymoron to utter country music and skiing in the same breath: Gary's SKIBOY SINGIN' is . . . "country-diction in turns," and he makes it absolutely work. He's what you might call a . . . "parallel singer," not that we want to abuse the term "parallel"

the way many skiers and PSIA do, any more than we want to

"cross" the original artists or songwriters who provide the "stem"


Another recurring theme for Gary is his disdain for PSIA (Professional Ski Instructors of America), a pyramid scheme actually, who told him three times in three Full-Cert Exams, that he didn't know how to communicate. But Communications Skills have always been Gary's strongest point: the testimony is overwhelming from his umpteen-thousand students, and even from his Associate-Level PSIA Exam way back in April 1980, not to mention all the evidence in his brilliant ski books. "Our Country is having major problems, in large part because of the 'not what you know, but who you know' mentality: We need to turn this thing around in every walk of life, start giving credit where credit is due," says Gary; "and my arena just happens to be the ski business. I want PSIA and the rest to know that I am absolutely one of the best communicators. I don't agree with their modern policy of 'Certifying' any ski-bum that can barely ski or teach after only a few days of PSIA training---

they make it enticing to get in, then they make it impossible for some of the best to climb their ladder. And the millions of people like me don't deserve to be crapped on by the PowersThatBe."

Gary admits he is equally irritated by the numerous colleague instructors who could have stood up for him over the years and could still stand up for him now: these Status-Quo Cowards won't dare stand up for Gary until he sells a million books! and then they will proudly proclaim they've stood with him by his side since the very beginning---this pathetic scenario plays itself out in all walks of life, with millions of True Individuals ostracized and victimized for standing for what is right. More people than ever are "Going Postal" nowadays, shooting up the workplace or school-board meetings, crashing small airplanes into IRS Buildings, and ultimately shooting CongressWomen (Jan 8, 2011, Tucson, as we put the finishing touches on this book)---the worst is yet to come, and hardly anyone seems to want to admit that these "bad people" feel like victims to begin with, that we've got to level the playing fields

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 15

and make things more fair for everyone before we can lessen the heartache. Gary's life-long and thoroughly fun approach is a lesson in Anger Management really---but Lonely Are the Brave. With

"ski-puns ablazin'," and lines like "He settles the score with His Wit," Gary constantly reminds PSIA and everyone else of "all the things he'll clever do." Gary's Ray Price song, "No, I Won't Have To Use A-Gun," is the epitome of proactive non-violent behavior, and he's exposing some of the Roots of Evil instead of just focusing on the Leaves. He's seen the problems first-hand at no less than seven different ski schools: at this writing early 2011, it's one man, Gary Heins verses PSIA, but he will soon have tens-of-millions of followers flooding to his side in his support---"The Ski School Business is going to get my verse before it gets better," says Gary, "I'll stick to my puns on that."

Gary's DUAL GS SKIBOY MUSIC has been in the making since the early days of his classic SKIBOY POETRY, but he kept it secret for a lot of years, singing only occasionally at raucous ski-school parties and in bars where they put up chicken wire to pro-tect the fans from the performers---or is it the other way around?

In fact, many of the songs were not written until 1996, as his own kind of therapy while living in exile in Pueblo, Colorado, away from national ski-school politics and pecking orders---"I felt maybe like Merle Haggard in San Quentin'," he says, "and I knew I had to somehow turn my life around if I was going to get back into the ski business." Like Waylon Jennings sort of, he says, "Here's a song I wrote on the plain between Jackson Hole and Texas." A bunch more came to him Christmas n New Year 2010-11. . . . While help-ing him shop for some sound equipment in a Colorado Springs music store one day, a salesman kept asking Gary what he's going to use the equipment for: "I rewrite and sing George Strait and other classic songs for skiers---I hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes." ---"I think it's a great idea," the salesman assured him,

"George Strait and them have pretty big feet."

Some might wonder if what Gary is doing is legal, rerouting in parody form all these country song-lyrics. Well, all of the key words of each song are different, and it is always a fresh new-n-different overall message. Oh, a few incidental words might be the same here or there: Like "Today the Ski-Lift Let Me Down" and

"Tonight the Bottle Let Me Down" have three of the same words,

"Let Me Down," but you can find those three words together in millions of other documents; and a "Ski-Lift" letting you down is a whole new angle compared to a "Bottle" letting you down. Like

16 -- Intro to MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'

"Skiin' In Your Sleep" versus "Talking In Your Sleep," "Skiin'" and

"Talking" are two different verbs, and "In Your Sleep" can be found in millions of other documents. Anyhow, a lot of key phrases or sentences in "original" songs are often gotten from other writings or other people's conversations: "I Won't Mention It Again" was written or uttered out-loud millions of times before it became a classic Ray Price title; the same is true for John Conlee's "Rose-Colored Glasses" or George Strait's "One Night At a Time"---but how many times have you heard or read "Rose-Colored Goggles" or "One Turn At a Time"? or "Misery n Skiin'" or any other of Gary's brilliant ski-song titles!

Some people think that writing a parody is too easy or like cheating; but in-truth it can be extremely difficult and many times impossible to pull it off, as ev-er-y syl-la-ble counts---if it were so easy, everyone would be doing it, and the few names you might name besides Weird Al . . . have only a handful of parodies. Many even so-called "great" original songs are pretty general and superfi-cial compared to Gary's extremely clever and in-depth ski songs---I mean, what substance is there to a one-liner like a Beatles classic,

"She Loves You, Ya-Ya-Ya"? not that Gary would find much to work with with such a song. Country music may seem simplistic, but it is highly sophisticated, as it takes a genius to keep things so simple while having substance. Except for "Just Stand There and Sing" George Strait maybe, Gary doesn't care what the original artists really look like or what they do on stage, but he darn sure doesn't rely on a silly gimmick like having long-hair shaking all over the place, nor pyrotechnics or expensive guitars being smashed. ---It's all about the lyrics and the voice first, as he wants you to see in your own mind's eye what's being sung; however, Gary will entertain any SBW recording contracts or any ski-film-makers' approaches to do some SKI-BOY MUSIC VIDEOS. . . .

Anyhow, to write a parody of an original writer's classic is one of the highest forms of praise---they should get a big kick out of these rewrites. How can anyone resist replacing "six-guns ablazin'" with

"ski-puns ablazin'"?! Some folks claim that puns are the lowest form of wit---well, Jonathan's Whiffed: "Punning is a talent which no man affects to despise, but he that is without." . . . And, if you must know, Gary has his CPL, Commercial Poet's License.

If you want to know the original writer's name for each country classic before Gary got ahold of it, go to the original performer's album, and it should be listed there in the fine print---Gary encour-ages you to go buy those albums or CDs without hesitation. We

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 17

are grateful for all the songs here that inspired Gary. And we apologize for not being able to work with so many other performers' works. It took Gary twenty-some years before he realized he could do something with Ray Price and Glenn Campbell. Gary's tried hard to do something with Tammy Wynette, Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, Conway Twitty, and several others, but he won't force anything. Imitation may be one of the highest forms of praise, but he can't imitate everyone (---if you want to see more praise for the artists not seen here, check out his Heinsian WESTERN SWING

dance manual). On the eve that Gary was putting the finishing touches on this book, the Loretta Lynn movie Coal Miner's Daughter came on TV---these are the kind of "candles along the way," even when he doesn't know where his next tank of gas if coming from, that tell Gary he is on the right track: just as Loretta Lynn and her husband were working their butt off to get her work noticed, Gary is still striving to get his worthwhile works noticed. Oh, wait! this just in: a couple of nights later, when Gary finally had this book polished and freshly emailed to friends, The Buddy Holly Story came on---same story! ---These COUNTRY-SKI SONGS are the newest thing on Gary's list---they may just be the icing on the cake to get his Heins-ian DOWNHILL SKIING manual noticed, as well as his controversial PROHIBITION Of SnowBoarding book, and so on.

So, meanwhile, here, while you get all the misery and skiing you can possible stand with his stand-alone lyrics, complete with

"ski-puns ablazin'," obviously you don't get the sheet music, as that is not Gary's; but you do get his plenty of interesting information to help you better understand the lyrics and savor them even more, even learn to ski and teach better. You can simply read each skiboy song as poetry by itself, or you can play the original artists' music while you read and imagine would it would sound like; you can recite it or sing it at your Christmas parties or ski-school parties---

but always remember that Gary is the best one for knowing the exact pacing-n-timing and inflections. We guarantee you'll find a fair amount of misery in perhaps every song but one, interestingly enough---you'll get extra credit for figuring out which song that is.

. . . Anyway, Gary does all this for great fun and following through with his unparalled ski-teaching; when you finally get to hear him in-person, GARY HEINS & His DUAL GS SKIBOY BAND, or the simpler venue of GARY HEINS SINGIN' CRUD, or if he's just out skiing Karaoke, we're sure you'll agree: this man . . . "can sing like he don't need the money."

---Jane Dantz


18 -- Intro to MIXIN' MISERY & SKIIN'




PO BOX 784


Ht 9-5


Wt 360



Issued At Birth 5/20/19&58


Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 19


Probably George Strait's most famous classic song most of his lengthy career is "Amarillo By Morning," about a rodeo cowboy traveling all night to his next rodeo. From 1986, it's a great song about living in the moment, doing what you love and do best. Gary makes it parallel with a pro ski-racer who's also traveling on the circuit. Saddle-bronc riders and pro ski-racers alike have to bust out of the chute; "eight" becomes "skate," "judge" becomes "edge," and so on. So here's one for the rodeo skiboy:

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 21

Jackson Hole

By Mornin'

Jackson Hole By Mornin',

up from Bridger Bowl;

Everything that I got

is just what's in my soul;

Where pro-bumps kick high

in that Teton sky,

I'll be crankin' down the mountain there---

Jackson Hole By Mornin',

Jackson Hole, I'll be there.

They took my skis in Snow Basin,

broke my legs in Grand Targhee,

Lost my wife to a girl friend,

somewhere along the way---

I'll be lookin' to skate

when they pull that gate,

And I know that edge is mine---

Jackson Hole By Mornin',

Jackson Hole's on my mind.

Jackson Hole By Mornin',

up from Bridger Bowl;

Everything that I got

is just what's in my soles;

I ain't got a dime,

but what I got is mine---

I ain't rich, but, Lord, I ski.

Jackson Hole by mornin',

Jackson Hole's where I'll be.

Jackson Hole by mornin',

Jackson Hole's where I'll ski.


It would probably be impossible to know what song this is a remake of just by the titles alone, so I'll help you. Remember our song earlier about the "Snows of Jackson Hole"?---or we might call that song "Jackson Hole Snows."

Well, this one about "The Steeps of Jackson Hole," another classic four-count western-swing tune, this time from the classic "Oklahoma Hills" sung by Cal Smith of "Country Bumpkin" fame, then later by Hank Thompson. Gary thought about rewriting this one for a couple of years before he finally got the job done right in 1996. Notice how he gets

"ski-area" to rhyme with "prairie" by getting rid of the last syllable, kind of like an old trail hand talking about "pneumoni" instead of "pneumonia"---right, Gar'?

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 23

Steeps Of Jackson Hole

Many months have come and gone since I been skiin' down the Steeps of Jackson Hole where I can turn; Many chair-lift ride has turned, many lessons I have yearned

---the Steeps of Jackson Hole's where I belong.

Way up yonder at High Elevation,

I rode deep powder for snow preservation

on the Steeps of Jackson Hole where I can turn; Waist-deep powder for my recreation,

a skiboy's life was my occupation

on the Steeps of Jackson Hole where I can turn.

As I sing here today, many mountains I am away from the faces I rode deep powder 'fore the thaw, Where pine and aspen trees block the cold ski-aree breeze that drifts the powder snow so deep and tall.

Way up yonder at High Elevation,

I rode deep powder for snow preservation

on the Steeps of Jackson Hole where I can turn; Waist-deep powder for my recreation,

a skiboy's life was my occupation

on the Steeps of Jackson Hole where I can turn.

As I try to rearrange these words for the Teton Range,

'bout the Steeps of Jackson Hole where I can turn, The tram-car fills and goes, 'cause the average skier knows

'bout the Steeps of Jackson Hole where I can turn.


Way up yonder at High Elevation,

I rode deep powder for snow preservation

on the Steeps of Jackson Hole where I can turn; Waist-deep powder for my recreation,

a skiboy's life was my occupation

on the Steeps of Jackson Hole where I can turn.


By 1996, many years into his ski-teaching career, because of the PSIA Politics and high cost of living in the ski towns, Gary found himself living in exile for about six years, working as an Over-The-Road driver for one of the big bus companies. Every now and then, he would have to take a flat-lander ski-club on a ski trip, a job that was pretty hard for him to swallow, because he was required to be more of a professional driver than a skier, and the bus bosses don't like their drivers to ski on ski trips, "for fear you'll get injured or not be rested-up for the driving." His passengers barely had a clue that they were being driven by The GREATEST SKI INSTRUCTOR In the West. He gave a lot of great ski lessons from that driver's seat, which was one of the things that kept him going. In fact, he drove his bus like a pair of skis, treating the road like the slope and snow condition, the people often noting that he's "the smoothest bus driver they've ever had." So, from the Holidays 2010, here's as forlorn a song as Glenn Campbell's "Wichita Lineman."

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 25

Wichita Ski-man

I am a ski-man without a mountain,

and I ain't got much snow---

Searchin' for some fun

on our way to Jackson Hole.

I used to teach there every winter

till Cert'fication wasn't mine--

Now I'm the Wichita Ski-man

drivin' a bus line.

I know they need a ski vacation

but it ain't like it's mine;

And, if it snows, I don't how

I'll ever stand the strain.

You know I need to-ski more than want to---

and I want to for all time;

But the Wichita Ski-man

is drivin' this bus line. . . .

And I need to-teach more than want to---

and I want to for all time;

But the Wichita Ski-man

is drivin' a bus line. . . .


An ongoing struggle in the ski world is reckless boy-friends pushing their girl-friends to take bigger risks in skiing---many a fellow loses his girl over this one, and verse-visa. Corbett's Couloir, at the top of Jackson Hole Ski Area, is one of the most famous difficult chutes in-bounds open to the general public; the fellow in this song, pressuring his girl to take the big plunge into it, loses her to a gentler guy on an easier mountain. From 1987, a remake of George Strait's

"Does Fort Worth Ever Cross Your Mind?" As you'll see, she probably says, "Yeah, Corbett's always crosses my mind, if I think about it, but it crosses my skis too!"

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 27

Does Corbett's Ever

Cross Your Mind?

Falls in Corbett's, Mary,

just ain't no good . . . for zealous---

I've tried it turn after turn.

You've found someone

else's turns . . . a challenge---

Does Corbett's ever cross your mind?

Darlin', while you're busy . . . yearnin' ed-ges, earn one for me, if you get time;

Good ways to ski . . . don't fade so ea-sy---

Does Corbett's ever cross your mind?

You left me here . . .

to ski with him . . . in Aspen,

and you know it hurt me . . . at the time;

But I wonder now . . .

if it may-yakes a difference:

Does Corbett's ever cross your mind?

You left me here . . .

to ski with him . . . in Aspen,

and you know it hurt me . . . at the time;

But I wonder now . . .

if it may-yakes a difference:

Does Corbett's ever cross your mind?

Does Corbett's ever---

Does Corbett's ever---

Does Corbett's ever

cross your mind?


Everyone knows the Bob Wills classic "San Antonio Rose"---but how many know the skier's version? Usually a four-count swing song with Bob Wills or Asleep At the Wheel, another version is a six-count swing done by Willie Nelson and Ray Price. The "apprenti" in this song refers to what we called the apprentice ski instructors at Jackson in the old days; PSIA in recent years has made the mistake of not using such an appropriate term anymore, as they Level-I

"Certify" everybody and their brother after only a couple days of cursory training: the average student can't tell the difference between the Bronze, Silver, or Gold Certification Pins---not that all the Gold guys are worth a darn, as some of them are just good hoop-jumpers and ass-kissers, one of the wide-spread phenomena that's ruining America. "The song that took Gary "from hamburgers to steaks," from 1991:

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 29

Jackson Hole Snows

Deep within my heart, I've a place to ski,

a song of old Jackson Hole

Where on steeps I ski with a har-mo-ny,

beneath the tram-cars all alone.

It was there I found, inside the Laramie Bowl, enchantment strange as the snows from above---

A ski-lift blessed, where only we could go,

Skill carves my virgin snows of love.

Turn in all your splendor, know only my Harts

can track the snow, snows of Jackson Hole.

Steeps so sweet a weekender, like apprenti falling apart, ski never again like my love, my own---

Broken snow, jumpy turns I know,

thrills live in my Harts plenty long,

In these moonlit tracks insidetheLaramie Bowl, in snows, my snows of Jackson Hole.

Deep within my heart, I've a place to ski,

a song of old Jackson Hole

Where on steeps I ski with a har-mo-ny,

beneath the tram-cars all alone.

It was there I found, inside the Laramie Bowl, enchantment strange as the snows from above---

A ski-lift blessed, where only we could go,

Skill carves my virgin snows of love.

Turn in all your splendor, know only my Harts

can track the snow, snows of Jackson Hole.

Steeps so sweet a weekender, like apprenti falling apart, ski never again like my love, my own---

Broken snow, jumpy turns I know,

thrills live in my Harts plenty long,

In these moonlit tracks insidetheLaramie Bowl, in snows, my snows of Jackson Hole.

in snows, my snows of Jackson Hole.


This is true story. Three years into his ski-teaching career, Gary found himself working in Utah, where he failed three Full-Cert PSIA Exams in three seasons, due to "Communication Skills," his unique communication skills. Partly, Park City, Utah, not too far from Salt Lake City, was not western enough for Gary; but the bigger factor may be that he couldn't get through their Mormon bias against outsiders.

Don't get us wrong: Gary loved the skiing there, and he loved his international students; but he couldn't reach his full potential there. So he made his way to frontier-justice Jackson Hole, where he would meet up with a female fleeing Utah for similar reasons---sometimes the truth is stranger than friction. Gary would continue to have the heebie-jee-bies for PSIA politics, because Jackson Hole is still in the same Intermountain Division; but Jackson Hole inspired him nonetheless. Gary is not trying to offend a particular De-nomination in this song---there are lots of innocent people that follow a Religion Gary may not believe in, because he may know what Its Leaders are up to far more than the innocent followers themselves do: "Many Kings and Queens and Religious Leaders over the centuries are simply trying to corner the market on God, in order to control the masses---

and they've done a damn good job of it." You'd be surprised how many tax-exempt Religious Leaders are playing a game of smoke-n-mirrors like PSIA, and throwing kerosene on the hot-spots and reaping hidden rewards while having organized charities in the limelight showing them as nothing but Good. The problem is huge, and sometimes all an Individual can do is find short-term comfort with an intimate mate.

Guys like Gary almost have to work the same subliminal way, injecting his two-cents worth in the lines of a song, rather than publishing a banned book like Under the Banner of Heaven. Hence, from late 2010, a remake of Merle Haggard and George Strait's "Sea Shores of Old Mexico."

Heinsian SKI-BOY-n-WESTERN MUSIC -- 31

Ski Shores of Old Jackson Hole

I left up for Jackson with one destination in mind: I was teachin' in Utah in a culture I didn't have in mind; And Jackson meant freedom, a new life, and romance---

That's why I thought I should go---

And start my life over

on the Ski Shores of Old Jackson Hole.

My first night in Wilson, I lost all the money I had: One bad skiingorita made use of one innocent lad; But I must keep on teachin', it's too late to turn back---

I'm not wanted in Utah, I'm told,---

Yeah, and things will blow over

on the Ski Shores of Old Jackson Hole.

Two Wyoming ranchers enroute to a town I cain't say Had let me ride on the back of a flatbed half-loaded with hay Up through Diamondville, Freedom, and Alpine, then into Old Jackson Hole,

Where I slept in a cabin

on the Ski Shores of Old Jackson Hole.

After one long Siesta, I came wide awake in the night: I's startled by someone who shadowed the pale moonlight---

My new found companion, one strong skiingorita, who offered an unfrozen hello

To be with the skiboy she followed

to the Ski Shores of Old Jackson Hole.

She spoke of Old Utah and swore that she'd never return; For her polygamist husband she really had no great concern,