Taking offence at men and women's health
Library and Bibliographic Classification 88.37
Т 19 «Taking offence at men and women's health» / Tararina Helen – Luhansk: ООО «Publishing house «Ukrainian Media Holding», 2013. – 68 p.
The book that you hold in your hands is addressed to consulting psychologists, social teachers, broad-spectrum specialists in pedagogical and auxiliary professions, students. The manual is quintessence of 10-years-old author’s experience of Applied Psychology and training on such feeling as offence. The described examples were got in the course of training and consultations on the basis of Art-therapy East Ukrainian association creative laboratory (cxid - art.org.ua).
Library and Bibliographic Classification 88.37
All rights reserved. It is not allowed to copy a part of this book in any form without the written permission of the copyright owner.
© Tararina Helen, 2013
© ООО «Publishing house «Ukrainian Media Holding», 2013
About an author
Helen Tararina is one of the most titled art-therapeutists of Ukraine, a business-trainer, a certificated teaching art-therapeutist, the President of Art-Therapy East Ukrainian Association, an organizer of Life Like a Miracle – the International festival of personality development and LADA-FEST – the International female festival, a consulting psychologist of the highest category of New Generation school-gymnasium, a candidate of pedagogical science.
Taking offence at men and women's health
The book that you hold in your hands is addressed to consulting psychologists, social teachers, broad-spectrum specialists in pedagogical and auxiliary professions, students. The manual is quintessence of 10-years-old author’s experience of Applied Psychology and training on such feeling as offence. The described examples were got in the course of training and consultations on the basis of Art-Therapy East Ukrainian Association creative laboratory (cxid - art.org.ua).
The author thanks her father, husband and son officially for the endless understanding, support, invaluable experience of interaction in the process of study and description of offences.
Offences are burning embers that we hold in our hands and wait for a right moment to throw them at an offender.
This book invites to go in search of sources of wonderful, magical and such familiar feeling of OFFENCE.
“I’ve hidden! Go away! How could you treat me badly?” They are similar words. And the person is filling with many footless expectations, when he is in a state of offence.
It would be interesting to know if the state of offence is harmful to a person? Or is it healthy? This book invites you to research this state in order to know what role offence plays in our life, what types of touchy people, varieties of offences and manners of taking offence were described in science, how the state of taking offence affects person’s health and relationship. Why does offence arise in home life, what important function of offence is in the relationship between a mother and a child, a man and a woman, an individual and society? And what is more, the book will help you to understand how the state of offence affects spiritual development.
Offence is coeval with mankind. Is there any secondary use of this state, however? No inventions of technical progress were able to keep a person out of offending and taking offence. So, maybe, is there any use of offence? It is possible the answer to this question is in some other sphere – in the sphere of our spiritual ego.
This book will help to answer to this and other questions, to take a different view of offence, to form your own particular ecological space of offence perception without prejudice to psychological health.
Competent cooperation with the state of offence is one of the necessary conditions of your personal efficiency
It is very difficult to be successful and happy, if you are not capable of safe and easy experience those difficult periods and situations that happen in life.
The first questions that will help us in advance on the topic of offence are as follows, “When you hear a word ‘offence’, how many subjects are participating in this process, in your opinion? What the first number has leaped to your mind?”
Mark this your first-ever intuitive answer, because you will answer this question again at the end of the book.
Do a simple exercise for a clear-eyed understanding what offence is. Take a sheet of paper and a pen, write a word “OFFENCE” in large letters and imagine that it is an abbreviation. Please, give the abbreviation expansion. Well, as the USA, BBC, EU, etc. Write the meaning of each letter.
These are the most frequent answers of the participants of Offence and Person’s Spiritual Health Seminar:
“O”– objection, opposition, outrage, etc. As a rule the words that are somehow connected with the display of motion are presented here. The reason of it is that a person in a state of offence is often on the move: internal (self-flagellation) or external (condemnation of other people).
“F” – feeling, furiosity, frenzy, etc. For the most part the words with this letter describe the painful states of soul and the body. Such positive words, as for example feeling, are uncommon. One of the most important aims of this book is to teach a person to perceive offence as experience that leads to the development and understanding of necessary feeling – to be thankful.
“F” – fear, frustration, fury, feud, etc. Notice that there is the growth of feelings and emotions in the process of the following abbreviation expansion.
“E” – expression, embarrassment, evil, excitability, evolution, etc. The participants often associate this letter with different aspects of cooperation.
“N” – nerves, naughtiness, normality, etc. The process of offence perception is getting deeper here.
“C” – conflict, cause, confusion, coldness, craze, contempt, concern, etc. The state of offence is really inseparably linked with expressions of emotion – external or internal. A person is always filled with energy. What kind of energy – destroying or creating – a person is filled with? We must examine carefully this question.
“E” – embarrassment, eliminating, emotion, enmity, endowment, etc. As a rule the participants of the seminars often associate this letter with the words that are largely the reason of offence. Look, what word was written by you.
So, the actual understanding of offence was made by an associative method of matching words. Thus, we are in tune with the vector of our consciousness. And what is more, our unconscious is in tune with perception of offence and new visions of it.
The concept of offence in the different fields of knowledge
There are some definitions of the state of offence in the different social aspects. So, offence is named the primitive form of other person’s education in pedagogics, namely in education (education is the realized management by person’s development). So, when we take offence at other person, we teach him, because we have no instruments of education. Or offence is the easiest method for an educator.
The concept of offence is considered as a regulation method of relationship between people in social psychology. So, by means of the state of offence people can preserve their boundaries, observe subordination, sustain authority, announce the needs, etc.
But the most interesting interpretation of the state of offence is from our point of view its definition in religion. What is the main destiny of a man on earth, from the point of view of faith? To love God, to adopt, to love others, himself and the life. Consequently, the main destiny of a man is to give love to the world. It means that the state of offence is a CONSCIOUS INHIBITION of LOVE to OTHER PERSON. This is breaking off love, inward decision-making (I can deprive you of love for your action). It was like a tap that was suddenly cut off the water. What happened to the tap? It became rusty. Imagine that every offence is turning a little tap in your soul and its rusting. Is there a lot of such taps? Firstly, these rusty taps are not visible, but as soon as you begin to communicate with a man, you feel that something is wrong with him. People with many rusty taps are recognizable by lowered shoulders, lacklustre eyes, complaints about himself and others, frequent censure. There is an enormous amount of love in each person, and we can give it. We turn the taps, but love is there, anyway, and it does not stop to be in us and begins to circulate inside a person, only for him. People develop egoism, self-admiration and vainglory in this way.
The religious often give such example, “There are many patients in the hospital. Does nobody denounce somebody's actions there?” Offence is the same, but it is a spiritual illness. A resentful person does not feel that he is “nothing”, but he often feels that he is “SOMETHING”. The more human ego is, the more a person is disposed to the state of offence. A certain turbulence zone appears inside a resentful person; it unbalances him. His mind isn’t precise and his heart isn’t peaceful too. The state of offence is often accompanied by the situation of "messing up everything" – a person understands his rash action and its tragic effect. Offence is often closely associated with illnesses, it causes lowering of person’s general energy and our protective field becomes weak and vulnerable. Popular wisdom says, “Offence is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”. Offence brings pain to the person, and pain is the lack of love.
A Cherokee Parable
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Is there an immunization against offence? In our opinion, YES, it is. And this immunization is expressed in a very unusual state. This is reverse-acting state. If you think that someone gave short something, give it or something like this to the offender; if you think that you are lacking in something, go and give it to the offender or other people. The only method to get love, attention, caring, comfort, money that supposedly were taken away undeservedly is to begin to give it to other people. There is no distinction between "to give" and "to get" in human soul. The soul only feels that this state fills us.
Offence is considered as footless expectations concerning other people’s actions and situations in psychology. Offence is manipulating sense that a man grows into his soul in order to influence other people by it. People often take offence to feel superiority over other man, to get his hooks into a sense of guilt. This superiority becomes apparent, wnen we want to protect a sense of own rightness. Offence is considered as the broken expectation by ЕFilonova. What are expectations? . They are our conscious or unconscious requirements for reality of our own invention. When this image is ruined, we take offence. An other man isn’t under our control. We can not control his behavior to meet our expectations, but we are always able to manage own expectations. Offence is considered as the subjective emotional experience of injustice by L. Orlova and I. Shipilova; it being known that a person gives himself a role of victim in this emotional experience of injustice.
Do not wait a rain, that gives moisture to the seeds of your intention, become a rain...
The conscious person does not wait "magic" moments, he creates them from everyday life...
(Amata Sarva from The Revelation of my heavenly hearts
The fundamental formula of ecological (harmless to psychological health) expectations is as follows, "Let it or something better will come into my life harmoniously and bring the highest good to those who are concerned in". Simply speaking, I will be glad, if it happens, and if it does not happen, I will continue to live and be in gladness.
In family life the state of offence often arises because of divergence of expectations; what is good for one is bad for another. Everybody has an idea about some methods of proof of love. When a person gets them, he understands that he is loved and needed. The proofs of love for HER can be, for example, two calls a day, flowers once a week and symbolic presents. The proofs of love for HIM are the frequent hugging, joint holidays and entertainments. It is important to ask and understand what proofs of love are important for your partner, to keep them in mind and to realize in the life.
The state of offence very often immerses a person in the state of a victim that requires justice infinitely. Albert Einstein said, "Justice is destiny of evil, mercy is destiny of good". Offence can be also considered as a disagreement with what is happening. This is unacceptance, desire to change malice to inability of improving something. All of these feelings are the reasons of many body illnesses.
Classification of offence
There are some types of offence in psychology.
They are everyday offence (at those, who I live with), family offence, scale offence (at a city, at a country), old and recent offence, active and passive offence.
It is important to understand that scale offence (at a country, laws, a city, family, fate, God), as well as other offence, is breaking of connections with a source (a source is considered as something at what a person takes offence). When we take offence, we stop getting support and supply from the main vital systems.
There are some main functions of offence:
- signal ("Look, I feel ill");
- protective ("Help me");
- communicative ("I take offence in the process of communication").
The formula of offence is as follows, "I do not want you to be such a person". It is associated with the formula of an anger, "I do not want you to be" (P. Korobchanskij).
Offence is subjectively always right. But the rightness is not identified by a man, it is objectively. We often think circumstances in our life are unjust. We think that, if the circumstances had been different, the life would had been much better and more comfortable.
One of the spiritual laws of the development is we never see pictures (situations) as a whole. We see only separate parts (puzzles).
Christian Urban Legends
Did "Einstein" prove that God exists?
A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?"
A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"
"God created everything?" The professor asked.
"Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.
The professor answered, "If God created everything; then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil."
The student became quiet and did not answer the professor's hypothetical definition. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said, "May I ask you a question, professor?"
"Of course", replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"
"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"
The other students snickered at the young man's question.
The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."
The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor responded, "Of course it does."
The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color.
You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."
Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"
Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man's Inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.
To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
The professor sat down.
The young man's name - Albert Einstein
There are some reasons of our offences:
1. We have unrealistic expectations from other people, we want an impossible thing.
2. We do not give ourselves and other right to mistake.
3. We interpret erroneously the behavior of other people.
People suffer from what they have lived through more than from what they haven’t. Offence for the most part is inhibited, reserved emotions.
There is offence classification according to the force of influence on person’s health:
1. Taking offence at himself (it is the strongest and it destroy spiritual and physical health).
2. Taking offence at parents.
3. Taking offence at a husband (a wife).
4. Taking offence at children, etc.
The law is as follows, "The closer by relationship degree a person is to you, the more dangerous taking offence at him is". Relative