Aravind came to my office, and started apologizing.
“I am sorry. I am responsible for everything that happened. I cannot love you”
“Aravind. I love you. How could you doubt me? Wait.. think I got it wrong. Did you say YOU don’t love me? Or that I don’t love you?”
“Yes. I don’t love you”
“Oh, you came this far to tell me that you don’t love me. Thank you so much.”
Tears started rolling down my cheeks
“Sorry”
“Why is it?” My voice began to quiver. “What is it you don’t like about me? You want a more homely girl right?”
“No. Not like that. I am sorry.”
“Oh may be I am not beautiful enough for you?”
I started crying uncontrollably. Yes, I know I am the stupidest girl.
“No Karthika. Nothing of that sort. You said you would do something to me. Hit me if you want. Beat me please. I am responsible for what happened. Don’t blame my parents. It’s entirely my fault. I can’t love you. I can’t marry you”
“But why Aravind? It’s come this far. Engagement is already over. Parents will be upset. They already are. Why did you wait this long? If you didn’t love me, you could have told me long back. It’s just two months away for the wedding, and what do you mean by stopping everything? What happened? Do you love some other girl?”
“Yes. I met her in my office. She was the one who came and proposed to me. I too fell for her, We were in a relationship for six months. Then she left me, because of me. I was too possessive of her, and she didn’t like it. In the meantime, parents started searching for a girl. I thought if I marry someone else, I would forget her. We came to your house. I thought you were the answer to my pain, and that my life with you will help me forget her. That’s why I asked for six months’ time – to get over her thoughts. But I am not able to. I can’t live without her. I am not able to move out of her memories. Please leave me. I am sorry. I don’t want to ruin your life”
“It’s ok Aravind. I understand your problem. Take your time to forget her. Then we can get married. I will wait for you immaterial of how long you need. My parents can’t take this Aravind. They are already broken”
“I will talk to them Karthika. I will fall at your parents’ feet if you want. If they want to beat me up, let them. If you marry me, your life will be hell. I am drinking and smoking everyday thinking of her. You said you don’t like drunkards right?”
“I love you Aravind. I don’t care if you drink or smoke”
“Please leave me Karthika. Please don’t tell all this to your parents, please say something else; even my parents do not know that I had a girlfriend. If they get to know, they will be completely distraught. Please. I beg you.” He touched my feet and cried. It felt horrible. Nonetheless, I promised not to reveal it.
“Is she coming back into your life?”
“No”
“Then why are you wasting your time waiting for her? Why can’t you marry me? What is it you don’t like about me? I want to know Aravind. Tell me. If not you, some other guy will come to marry me. I don’t want to be rejected by others too. Please tell me what’s wrong with me. Please”
“You are perfect Karthika. I am the unlucky guy. Please don’t change yourself for anyone. The one who gets to live with you is really lucky. I am the unlucky one – neither am I able to win the lady I love, nor am I able to overcome her memories to live with a wonderful woman like you. I am the worthless one”
“How beautifully you talk Aravind. Guess they taught you all this speaking skills at office. But, of all the women out there, why did you choose me as the guinea pig, to test if you could live without your girlfriend? Why me? Why me? Why me?”
I broke down hysterically.
That evening, his mother informed my parents that the wedding would be called off, as she was lately seeing many dangerous dreams and was scared to take the wedding forward.
I was depressed. I had completely fallen in love with Aravind, that now I didn’t have the heart to let go of him. I called him every day. He never attended them. I messaged him daily. There was no response. I became frantic. I wanted to commit suicide. Parents were very gloomy and crest-fallen.
I saw my father crying for the first time in my life.
A week later, my dad went to Aravind’s native (Nagercoil), returned the engagement saree, and got back the 5 lakh dowry. Aravind had returned even the engagement ring!! It was safely put away into the locker.
Every morning I would wake up, thinking this was just another nightmare, I would walk up to the locker, open it and see that ring I had once put on Aravind’s finger. I touched it, felt it, flipped it into my ring finger, wiped my tears, and kept it back.. Alas, it wasn’t the nightmare of the dreams that disappeared by daybreak, this was a nightmare that stays to taunt and haunt me for a lifetime.
That finger I had longed to touch and caress all my life had returned back my love, empty-handed.
Days just didn’t move, didn’t even crawl. Everything seemed to have stopped. Even time!!
Parents started searching for another guy. It was just two more months for the wedding.
Dad came to me….
“We are going to find another guy. All is not lost. We still have two more months. You don’t worry. Mom and I been to the astrologer today who said that these problems were happening in your life because of the Saturn transit. In a few months, all will be well. He has given us a list of temples to visit in Kumbakonam. Take one week’s leave in office. We are visiting the temples this week”
“Dad, please give me some time to forget Aravind. What’s the hurry for marriage now? Please help me get over this pain. I need some time. I can’t marry someone else”
“Look at me.” I looked. His eyes were watering. “Do you know what I am going through? You think about only yourself? Do you think of what your parents are going through because of you? Do you know what this society will say if they get to know that a girl’s wedding was cancelled? They will talk bad about your character. Do you want to sit and hear all that? Do you want your parents to hear all that? Do you want us all to die of pain and shame?”
“No dad. I love you so much”
“Then prove it. I want to live. Please. Don’t kill me”
He touched my feet and cried.
I simply couldn’t talk back in such situations. The only thing I could do was cry - and cry, I did.
I visited every possible online counseling site – seeking a solution for depression.. I don’t know what I was seeing. It was of no use. I needed help from somewhere. I could not find it anywhere. I was desperate. I was going mad
I cried and cried, and cried again. I pinged my manager on Whatsapp. I was taking a one-week leave
Next it was my mother’s turn.
“Why is all this happening? Because, you don’t believe in God. Because you are unholy. God is punishing you. And with you, all of us are suffering. I am sure you would have spoken arrogantly to Aravind, so, obviously, he thought you would not be a good wife, so he dropped the wedding. Isn’t that right?”
On any other day, I would have fought with my mom for such words. But not today. Everyone was already hurt enough. I wasn’t opening my mouth.
“I don’t know mom”
“Don’t say you don’t know. I am sure that’s what happened. You must have been very harsh to him. He doesn’t like you because you’ve got a bad attitude. If you continue being like this, no man will marry you. See, dowry is something we have been giving through the ages, and will continue giving. Are you a big Raja Ram Mohan Roy trying to change the society? You can’t do it. So for God’s sake, stop all this non-sense, and comply with the society. Next week we are going to temples, all because of you, it’s for you. I know you don’t believe in God. But, look, we are all dying here because of you (she started crying loudly). Look what you have done to all of us. Please, this is not for you. Think that it’s for your parents’ happiness. Please come with us to the temples, even if you don’t believe. Do this one small sacrifice for your parents. Please”
I gave in, to everything. I didn’t know what else to do. Aravind had ruined my life. I wanted time to forget my pain, but pressure was only mounting up higher, higher and higher. I was not able to raise my voice and express my opinion. All I could do was, say “Yes. So be it”.. Life was horrible.