Taking It on the Lam by Edward Drobinski - HTML preview

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On Monday a sixty-two year old dinge man from Camden was killed after a bear he attempted to kill turned the tables on him, it apparently being the smarter of the two. This writer supposes that regrets are appropriate, and fully agrees. It is highly regretful that another white bear is un-necessarily dead. They are an endangered species, struggling daily not to be replaced by the relentless onslaught of dinges with guns.

It is believed, and is consistent with evidence found at the scene, that the white bear killed the dinge “hunter” before later succumbing to its own fatal injuries, with the bodies of both later found not far from one another.

The unnamed hunter is believed to have shot and wounded the predator from a pasty plywood platform pinned into a previously evergreen tree in the New Woodsy district of New Jersey and died before knowing that he had mortally wounded the bear.

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It is thought the man believed he had killed the bear and descended from the tree only to be attacked and killed by the beast in its final act. Tracks expertly found suggest that there was another hunter, a partner of the dinge corpse, who fled the scene when the white bear showed a sign of life. ....... Either that or the experts have chanced upon further scientific affirmation of the existence of the Jersey Devil.

“When the sixty-two year old man climbed down, the mortally wounded bear attacked and killed him,” wilderness authorities reported. “The carcass of the animal was found fifty feet from the place where the man died.”

The hunter’s skull was crushed in the retaliatory attack and he suffered claw and fang wounds, it has been reported.

“The mortally wounded predator managed to inflict an injury from which the hunter died,” said the US Wildlife Service. The local Sheriff chuckled as he countered; “The US Wildlife Service wasn’t there and will never be. The ‘Mortally wounded predator’

in fact was an heroic ‘mortally wounded prey;’ a peaceful victim, an unfortunate casualty, who will be greatly missed.”

Residents of the nearby senior citizen’s facility unanimously stated that the deceased white bear was named and answered to

“Teddy;” was virtually domesticated, and would come around the

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human enclave to be petted and fed with the veggies the codgers saved and bagged for him. One wishing not to be named, for fear of dinge hunter retaliation confidentially said; “I’m glad that dinge hunter is dead. Teddy was your friend for life if you just gave him a little of the broccoli you weren’t going to eat anyway. I can only hope that Teddy’s spirit will get his partner and the rest of them.”

The hunter was found only because he had been reported missing by his social worker in the state capitol of Trenton’s alter ego of Camden.

The macabre scene was discovered after a search party had been organized in the remote region. Perhaps it would have been better to leave it undisturbed and without comment.

It is the firm opinion of this writer, that it would be best for all if those who know nothing of the country stay out of it.

**** The New Woodsy management would like to point out that this article is a product of the writer, and does not necessarily reflect the views of said management. ****

Having finished attending to Mrs. Greene’s grocery needs, Pop Tate came outside and saw me sitting on the bench, alone and

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reading the rag. He was curious as to why I hadn’t yet paid him for it, saying; “Enjoying the paper?” I deflected his base considerations with an appeal to substance.

I said; “Don’t worry. You’re covered. Did you see the one about the white bear?”

“Yeah, as much as I could stomach it. You know, just because he’s big doesn’t mean that he’s dangerous.”

“And doesn’t warrant being filled with daylight.”

“Don’t get me started. I’ve seen it and they do it every time.

The failed perpetrator becomes seen as the victim.”

General stores and itinerant peddlers dominated retail sales in rural America; that is until the coming of the automobile after 1910 inaugurated their slow fadeout. Their continuation defied economic necessity, through their natural appeal to any atmosphere of nostalgia. Farmers and ranchers depended on general stores that had a limited stock and slow turnover. Often farmers would barter or consign butter, cheese, eggs, vegetables or other foods which the merchant would resell. Prices were not marked on each item. Instead the customer negotiated a price.

Men did most of the shopping, since the main criterion was

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credit rather than quality of goods. Indeed, most customers shopped on credit, paying later when crops or cattle were sold.

The general store owner's ability to judge credit worthiness was vital to his success. The store was often a gathering point for local men to chat, pass around the weekly newspaper, and jaw politics.

It was a Christian place. I say Christian because there are no western witnesses to the annual regrowth of crops and the spawning of pups who will deny its principles of natural re-birth and a world without end. At least I haven’t met any, though I’m sure there are aberrant and abnormal attackers who for the time being are reticent to articulate their perversions, for the cowardice they incorrectly, correctly, and most of all self-servedly attribute to their lack of semi-universal support.

During the first half of the 20th century, speeding up after WWII, general stores were displaced in many areas of the United States by many different types of specialized retailers in what became more densely packed trading towns and small cities.

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