The Unpleasantness in Nucktown by Edward Drobinski - HTML preview

Bridgewater

For one to claim some semblance of a fashionable understanding of the Nuck predicament one must at least know that Nucktown residents have little or no control over or responsibility for their destinies, for many spurious ‘reasons,” but first of all because Nucktown is not a legal, self-governing entity. Like all of its namesakes it’s just a derogatory name for a section of a rich, racist, hockey rink monopolizing, White American enclave; in my particular case Bridgewater Township, New Jersey. The name, laws, and status cannot be changed as legally, it does not exist any more than the denied and absent ice skating rinks do.

At the hands of the White Americans we Nucks have had to endure the kind of oppression which is akin to the treatment one receives for having endorsed the losing party’s candidate; while we Nucks have always supported our winning Democrat

“benefactors.”

Things are even worse here, since Bridgewater’s Nucktown is a $5

per trip bridge ride to Bridgewater proper. If I want to get my son Crypton to an ice rink it’s $10 plus gas plus parking. Few of us can afford that and consequently don’t go there much. And when you do, they look at you all funny and check to see that they still have their wallet and smart phone. I’m glad Crypton

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takes after me, and isn’t addicted to ice like the typical puck headed Nuck.

This Bridgewater bridge, properly known as the Somerville Bridge, and improperly called the Nucktown Bridge negotiates the

“expertly” managed and thereby virtually depleted southern branch of the Raritan River. Sure, they say it was built when there was a real river down there, but there are no signs of it ever having existed today in the vehicle traversable stream.

During the Industrial Revolution, the River became home to mills and other factories. A vibrant view of its historic past still exists along the Raritan River, present in museum exhibits and preserved buildings, like East Jersey Olde Towne in Piscataway Township’s Johnson Park, the Cornelius Low House and Middlesex County Museum, and the Canadian Cultural Heritage Museum in downtown Nucktown, open from 12PM to 3PM summer weekends, except as posted.

Since all of the other Nucktown roads which do not lead to the Somerville Bridge dead end at the Bridgewater proper border, a cynical person might say that the bridge is just there to monitor the Nucks coming into White America while charging us for it. Nucks have no control, zero, nada, concerning the laws which Bridgewater passes. The White Americans over there recently passed two gems in the name of libtard concern for

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Nucks. One makes theft of anything with a value of less than $1,000, and non-cumulative meaning two $900 thefts do not exceed the $1,000 threshold, a misdemeanor, and the other says that no misdemeanor shall be punishable by any jail time. I think they copied it from California. Here, as well as there, Nucks have taken this as a fee free license to steal anything anywhere.

What’s the worst thing that can happen? The White American cops never catch anyone. And if they did, the DA would drop charges.

If by some miracle the DA pursued the case, what would be the result of being found guilty? Being sent to Saturday morning counseling sessions with some desk top, flunky cop, with all the recriminating power of a wagging, naughty shame finger if a session is missed?

Shit, I’ve been pocketing some stuff lately myself. Try as I might, and I can’t even get caught. The sales help won’t dare approach a Nuck, no matter what. It’s going to be seen as racist, especially after I keep shouting that while bawling my ass off, and they’ll get fired. And in about fifteen minutes, eighty Nucks will be protesting and blocking the entries, if not smashing up the place. The question seems to be how can a Nuck get into any trouble these days?

Ink cartridges are a big time target for me. The substance is in high demand with criminals. Red Bull energy drinks are another

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personal favorite. Red Bull Energy Drink is appreciated worldwide by top athletes, students, and in highly demanding professions as well as during long drives. It gives me wings. I can load a shopping cart with $160 worth of Red Bull and then walk out of the store without paying for them. Because of the rise in popularity of high end headphones like Bose and Beats by Dre, these items have been targeted. If I’m feeling particularly bold and lucky, I can walk away with 30-40 pairs of headphones that retail at $1,000-$2,000 each, and sell them on Amazon, eBay, Craigslist and other online outlets. Fitbit products are good; small and high value. For the uninitiated shoplifter, Fitbit is an American consumer electronics and fitness company.

It produces wireless enabled wearable technology, physical fitness monitors and activity trackers such as smartwatches, pedometers and more. Razors have been known to be a standard target for years now. In a humorously entitled “Bridgewater Daily Tribune” article, “Rash of razor, razor blade thefts linked to black market, not a need to shave, police say” we see another instance of items being easily resold on the black market. There’s a thriving black market for baby formula, the latest example of a hitch that is now considered a nationwide problem by police all over the country. Because of the small size of most forms of makeup, and yes again, their easy resale, makeup is a target. Alcohol, as many know, is one of the most

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classically stolen items from convenience stores. There are stories all over the internet from South Carolina to New Hampshire about alcohol being swapped from convenience stores across the country. These shopliftings are typically made by Nuck alcoholics and Nuck black market re-sellers. Clothing, especially brand name and high end clothes, are prime objectives in department stores. I’ve been stealing meat from supermarkets.

I can take two joints of beef, two packs of chicken breasts and four beef steaks stuffed into my coat and trousers. Then, all I had to do is walk around to a corner garage and sell the meat for cash. And batteries. Did I mention batteries? Energizer AA and AAA are the best, but any of them are pretty good. You can get rid of them any of a number of ways, as people always need them, Nucks especially for their myriad of tabletop hockey games. Just look at this beauty. Even though I don’t like the real game, I play this little replica one whenever I get the chance.

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Whoa, I got excited there for a minute. Sorry. I used to have this precise model in my apartment. Back in the day when Ms.

Charlene Goldberg was our social worker, and could approve our welfare benefits, she didn’t care whether or not we deserved it.

As long as she got her 15% kickback in cash, we could have had diamond studded timepieces in here. But, she got blown up in Tel

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Aviv, during one of her “vacations” in Israel, at Jaffa Port while trying to perfect her sun tan. She was replaced by a conservative fanatic named Ed Durr. We first met Mr. Durr when he showed up here unannounced and took immediate umbrage at our prominent “Breakaway” hockey game. They retail for about $1,500, but after some haggling I purchased a hot one for $550. For a minute I considered trying to alleviate Mr. Durr’s aggravation through telling him the truth, but immediately considered that a very juvenile notion. Instead I said; “I see you are fascinated by the tabletop hockey game. Might you also be a Canadian?” It was no surprise to me when he grunted a negative sound. Through a quick and clandestine scan of his face I noted that Durr’s already pinched mug had squeezed exceedingly causing his furrowed fuzzy eyebrows to meet a tad beneath where his aquiline nose commenced its precarious but sure descent. I suppose I was hoping that a Nuck might have been assigned to evaluate Nuck welfare cases, but he was either a White American or a Canadian with an Ontario lineage. I went with plan two and told him that I was holding it for a friend. He didn’t exactly buy that and was even more skeptical when I told him that I didn’t know where my friend lived and that I only knew him by his street hockey name of Snuggerud. At any rate, when Durr left, I kissed it goodbye and immediately donated the game to Catholic Charities, getting a receipt I could fill out for any amount I chose. I

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can’t say that Durr ever became friendly, but subsequent visits went smoothly, and the welfare payments continue with no 15%

withholding.

Please pardon my digression. We Nucks have been condemned to an uncontrollable passion for the game of hockey, whether played by big Nucks or their plastic imitators. Back on ostensible topic, there is a word of caution to be noted concerning battery theft.

They’re easy to slip into pockets right off the rack. But, if you load them into a shopping cart a number of bad things can happen. For one, if you take too many you can go beyond the thousand dollar misdemeanor threshold previously mentioned. So only go for it if you’re feeling bold and lucky. For another, batteries are quite heavy, and if you fill your cart with too many, you may not be able to move it. Then you’ll have to double your workload by removing some. Ugh!

No, I’m not afraid of divulging any industry “secrets.” The field is wide open and exponentially growing for enterprising Nucks in the currently libtard US. It’s so easy, my intuition suggests that there must be some kind of catch, but for now and the near future I wouldn’t worry about it.

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