Pixel On The 4th Of July by Pete Bertino - HTML preview

PIXEL ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

BY PETE BERTINO

DEDICATION: TO ANIMATORS AND THE MAGIC

THEY CREATE

THIS STORY IS COPYRIGHT PROTECTED 06/30/2021 PETER JAMES

BERTINO AUTHOR; AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED IN ANYWAY

WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE AUTHOR.

1

The July 4th Commission is a combination of hundreds of hours of interviews, dozens of sworn statements and testimony by every witness, victim and suspect to understand all the events that took place on Poughkeepsie Island. Most volunteered the information freely, some were more reluctant especially since the new administration was sworn in on January. Others refused outright to speak at all taking the 5th instead. All of the commissions questions asked were in regard to what led to the events that took place on the island on July 4th, 2020.

Below the commission has provided a list of the people most directly involved with the events on the island and will include a brief biography. Normally such information would be censored or with held, however due to the severity of the events the current administration insisted on transparency, most accepted this begrudgingly with the exception of one of the witnesses who told the commission as much as he could about things relevant but also irrelevant and had to be asked repeatedly to stop explaining certain explicit acts he engaged in and with whom. The commission however was granted by the US Supreme Court to make all information public as this was in the public interest.

JACK SACKEM – A 5th generation video game icon, Featured in Jack Sackem 3D and Jack Sackem: Everlasting, Retired from starring in video games to become as he exactly quoted: ‘a sexual conqueror, an entrepreneur, a businessman, a sexual titan, a television producer, and a sex magnet.’ It was he that was made interim police chief of Poughkeepsie Island during the events in question.

NOOBERT THE HODGEPODGE – A 4th generation video game legend of the more family friendly variety, he spent his video game days as the Mega corporations rival to the Tanoshimi Enjoyment System, aka the TES

console, flagship game series The Super Miroslav Bros. He developed a gambling addiction and had difficulties but overcame this problem. He retired from gaming in the early aughts and currently is employed as a manger at a local Time Kill gas station located on Aramingo avenue in Northeast Philadelphia.

BOB THE BOT – An AI robot who briefly was a peripheral during the TES’s early days during the 3rd generation of gaming, headlining two games, Bottle Tight and Box Maker, both of which failed to sell despite the success of TES console. Bob was forced into retirement very early on by the TES corporation, spending most of the 80s in the underground club scenes of Philadelphia, Chicago, NYC, synthesizing music for artists such as Debbie Deb and Grand Master Flash. After years of poor financial decisions he began working at the same company as Noobert the Hodgepodge.

JOHANN COCKTOASTOVENSTEIN – Poughkeepsie Islands’

Coroner/M.D. Dr Cocktoastovenstein lost his medical license briefly in 1997 as a plastic surgeon in the state of Pennsylvania due to an ethics violation by his associate Mr Sackem. Dr Cocktoastovenstein

2

2

eventually regain his license to practice and after years of volunteer work he was hired as the islands coroner/M.D. in 2012.

VICTOR LAZENBY- (R) Mayor of Poughkeepsie Island, a life long island resident elected to multiple terms since 2002. He was a graduate of Penn State with a degree in law with a minor in communications. He made connections to a variety of people, on both sides of the law as a prosecutor on the main land. After a few years he retired from prosecution to run for mayor of the island which he handily won. His popularity was so great that on two previous elections, he had run unopposed.

DUDLEY KRAVITS - Richest man on the island though not an islander by birth. His father was an oilman from out west and retired to this island in 1962 when Dudley was born. He inherited that oil money to build a five star hotel by the beach and a string of gift shops and arcades on the boardwalk.

He was the big push behind Mayor Lazenby’s idea to build multi-million dollar villas.

MURRAY FEATHERSTONE – Political Reporter for the Poughkeepsie Gazette, the islands local paper that ran stories that were favorable to the mayor and the GOP in general. His articles varied on subjects such as antifa militants, Covid being a hoax and a weekly accomplishment list of President Trump’s ‘wins’, and an article from March with a headline declaring the Corona virus a liberal hoax with an opinion piece written by Jeremy Voight, pastor of the ‘First Pescatarian Baptists Church.’ An article where he declared such things as face masks being a mark of the beast, and Democrats as spawns of Satan. The article with its screaming 72 point font was pasted on the windows of many local businesses and rental properties, certain people were anxious that talk of Covid and face masks would scare away Summer dollars.

JEREMY VOIGHT - Reverend of the First Pescatarian Evangelical

Baptist, and the author of article mentioned above, he was one of the tools used by Dudley and the mayor to get their project started. He was also a lifelong islander and gave communion to all of the locals for the last twenty five years. His church was were the financial malfeasance began, and the reverends demise was what shook most islanders to their core.

The events here are all true and take place between June 20th and July 4th 2020.

All names and places are real, and events have been put together in chronological order. All suspects were innocent until proven guilty.

‘We’ll be up for a visit very soon’ was what they texted him. He received it an hour ago and texted the others for a meeting at the 1st Pescatarian Evangelical Baptist Church, it sat across the street from Poughkeepsie Historical Society on Spicy avenue and would be safe from eavesdroppers. It was the first ever church on the island erected before the Civil War, it was empty this time of day. The text left his hand feeling sweaty and shaky, he dried it on a pant leg.

3

“It’ll be OK,” Mayor Vic Lazenby said to himself as he pulled into the church parking lot.

He tried to forget that the island police chief was missing as well, that could be very bad. He didn’t have a deputy and his squad car was sitting by the docks.

The police trawler was still there but his personal fishing boat wasn’t. Chief Benton’s only known vice was night fishing, even though he had yet to hire a new deputy since his previous one was now serving over seas in the Marine Corps, he still did it as often as he could.

Benton was a curious cop that brooked no bullshit, he was hired before the mess with the mob had begun. It was easy at first to keep things quiet, but as the pandemic worsened things had gotten tight and Benton always seemed to be lurking over Vic’s shoulder.

Vic was a model Republican as mayor of this island, he modeled his dress habits after President Trump, a red tie with a too big knot and a dark sports jacket and slacks. He took a deep breath, and quickly checked his hair in the rear view before entering the church. In the vestibule stood the Reverend Jeremy Voight, a tall man in his sixties with hair as white and bright as his teeth that were even and shone as if coated with Vaseline, though he always maintained a dour look in his Father’s house.

Dudley Kravits an overweight mostly red head in his fifties wearing an expensive suit stood there as well looking like he had a bad case of indigestion.

Most islanders thought he looked like Weird Al Yankovic in that 80’s music video when he blew up like a balloon. The church was quiet except for their murmuring.

They were going to miss another payment, a monthly installment plan of twenty five thousand dollars minimum in cash. They’d been paying on time every time to the Letuzzi family for over a year, until last month. They’d had less then twenty thousand and only half was in cash, they’d been hurting for months on the island and the mob doesn’t accept checks.

They had dipped into the islands treasury to cover a previous payment but that was a drop in the bucket. Vic figured if worse came to worse he could just sign over a few of the villas to the wops if they didn’t have the money yet. But what if they didn’t agree to that?

“What the Christ are we going to do, Dud?” the mayor asked.

He tried to fix the fist sized knot of his tie with damp sweaty hands and only succeeded in greasing up his tie. Should of had the misses tie it for me, he realized. She was good for that kind of stuff, and was perfect eye candy. She was

a Ms. Pennsylvania in 1991 and had a fantastic set of tits.

4

It’s why she was almost always at his side in public or speaking to reporters, people could take bad news better if they had a hot blond to gawk at while listening. She was much better than Dudley’s wife, who always had bad breath and a face chiseled with frown lines. The mayor shook his head to forget about Dudley’s ugly wife and focus on the problem at hand.

“Did they specify how soon they’d come up?” asked Dudley.

Vic shook his head, fighting a chill that raced across his spine when he thought back to last month when they came to collect and he told them they were short.

They arrived in a black car you might see at a funeral. The driver was a short intense man with black hair and olive skin, he was quiet and looked straight ahead while Vic spoke to the passenger. He was taller and wider than his silent companion and wore an Armani suit, he was completely bald though he still looked to be in his early thirties.

According to Vic’s connection the bald man, Nicky ‘Numb Nuts’ Navello, was a captain in the Letuzzi family. His voice was thick with an accent, he sounded easy going and Vic tried to get closer to speak with him, to help him understand the financial hardship they were all going through.

“Oh,” said the bald man looking annoyed. “social distancing please, I forgot my mask.”

“Yes of course...” Vic said almost with a whine stepping back with his hands up.

“damn Dr Fauci can’t make up his mind about them, friggin quack.”

“Oh, what the fuck you say about a paisan?” the bald man said looking deeply offended.

Vic felt his stomach drop below his knees when the driver glared at him like he just insulted the mans mother.

“Nuh nuh...nothing, uh...I just meant...” Vic stuttered. “what if we sign over the properties to you or one of your bosses.”

The bald man looked to the driver who shrugged, and then back at Vic before laughing.

“Ha ha, yeah who should we make the land deed out to? ‘Knuckles’ Letuzzi or should my boss just hand it over to the IRS so they can send him to jail for racketeering? Huh?” he said with a laugh that was slowly wavering into rage.

Vic literally pissed himself at that moment when the bald man stopped laughing.

5

“How bout dis?” asked the bald man in eerily calm voice that was Philly English spiced with a thick Italian accent.

“You pay me double next month. Otherwise my associate will have to speak with you, and he don’t like to talk. Capisce?”

“Fucking Christ, I’m scared Dudley.” Vic said trying to shake the memory out of his brain

“Please mayor,” said the reverend easily. “we’re in His house.”

“God damn it,” replied Kravits. “first the mob now Benton’s vanished. He must of found out about the money missing from the treasury. Christ in hell!”

“Please, gentlemen.” Voight said with his sunny smile.

“Maybe not, he could just be fishing.”

“Don’t be so Christing stupid.” said Dudley.

“Please gentlemen we’re in...”

“Oh shut the fuck up Voight.” said Dudley who feared neither the mayor or the reverend who was just as dirty as they were.

“Yes, can the God shit, Jeremy and get your head out of your ass. We’re broke and owe the mob money? Are you comprehending any of this? They’ll kill us.”

“Jesus Christ,” said the reverend. “they can’t blame us it’s not our fault. The Covid restrictions it’s it’s kuh...killing us.”

“You think those grease balls will give a shit!?” asked Dudley. “They’re gonna want the money.”

“But we won’t have it...” Voight said with glassy eyes.

6

“Yes we will have it,” Dudley said. “as long as we keep the mob business to ourselves and the newspaper keeps backing us for giving the finger to quarantine to keep the beaches open to keep the money coming to pay back the wop’s. We get through this god damn lock down we’ll make quadruple out investment with one villa rental.”

“But what about the Chief? He’s been leaving memos all around the station about an appropriation audit by the Treasury department next month.” said the mayor with a green face.

Before Dudley could respond, the mayor’s phone rang a loud hellacious chirp that echoed in the church making them all jump.

“It’s Featherstone. What is it Murray?”

“I think they found Chief Benton, he’s dead. I’m at the morgue with Dr Cocktoastovenstein.”

The mayor left the others and quickly drove to the morgue on Wisteria road, thankful that he had Featherstone, the island newspaper reporter in his pocket as well. He was in some of the mayors secrets, he knew about somethings but not about the money he, Dudley and the Reverend borrowed from the mob. It was a simple plan, buy the land and build luxury condos and rent them out at an extraordinary price.

But there were taxes and the fact he was mayor of the island and so many other things. He’d nearly given up on the idea when he drunkenly shared his half realized plan with Dudley while hanging out one Saturday night at the mayors office. The fat mans white face lit up like a bulb and tried to get Vic to

reconsider.

“I don’t have that much capital, Dud.” Vic explained.

“But I do...” the fat man said easily as he sipped his brandy.

“...the loan though...” Vic slurred as Dudley poured him some more bourbon.

“...I can’t have my name on that paper work...”

“I’ll take care of that, Voight owes me a favor.”

7

Dudley had convinced the Reverend to sign the papers for a bank loan to refurbish the church basement which it did not actually have. Vic was afraid to ask what the secret was but Dudley told him easily enough and it turned out he was just in the closet.

“The man sucks dick, I told him to sign off on the loan or I’d tell.”

From there it was supposed to be easy sailing, but then the pandemic and only half of the properties had been finished. The money the bank had given them was not enough, not enough by half to finish and they were still demanding payment. Vic had a connection to the Letuzzi family through one of the heads of the Carpenters Union that was building the condos and asked him for a favor, and now they had the bank paid off but owed the Italians instead.

The mayor tried to forget how he’d arrived at this situation as he waved and

smiled at everyone he saw while driving over. He blew kisses to a quintet of World War Two widows selling miniature American flags in front of the islands high school football field to raise money for retarded kids was the mayors guess.

He drove down Poughkeepsie avenue, nodding with approval at how many of the business’ in town and on the boardwalk eschewed masked mandates and a few even refused service to those that did wear them. As the week of the 4th of July approached many US flags and Trump flags were being unfurled at six am by residents, some of whom actually believed going one morning without raising the flag would cause the island to be invaded by Commies and Mexicans.

His smile was full of false cheer as he honked at locals and waved to the Poughkeepsie Island club, his wife the clubs president was among them waving back, as they entered the grand Maxwell Fox Public Library. Vic was breathing heavily as he pulled up to the morgue, a small building that was connected on the Police Chiefs office around the block. When he killed the engine his smile turned upside down and he lit a cigarette and took a few puffs before pitching it out the door.

He popped in a breath mint and tried to fix his tie again. He might have some bullshitting to do and that kraut MD was a pushover. Vic checked his smile in the rear view before heading inside. The coldness of the morgue was a slap on his hot cheeks, he shuddered upon entering and felt like vomiting when the stench of chemicals stung his nostrils like pins and needles. He went down to the hospital like hallway and came to the iron door with a tiny porthole window made with frosted glass.

“So what’s this I hear we found the Chief?” said the mayor as he walked inside.

The room was small and brightly lit from the fluorescent on the ceiling, his shoe heels clicked loudly on the pale blue tiled floor as he walked. Featherstone was in a yellowing collared shirt minus a suit jacket, a brown tie hanging loosely on his neck, his notebook, for now, was tucked in his shirt pocket. He gave a nod at

the Doc who stood just a few feet away in front of a gurney that held a heavy black bag with a large zipper. He was a tall gray haired man with a white push broom mustache that made him look kind, his white smock hung on tired bony shoulders.

8

“Mayor,” said the doctor in a hard European accent through his face mask as he wiped sweat from his brow with a handkerchief. “a fisherman found the Chief's boat anchored just beyond the docks, his remains were washed in by the tide this morning. I inspected closely and believe it could be a shark attack judging by the wounds.”

“What?” the mayor asked sounding befuddled.

Featherstone looked to the doctor and back to the mayor but was silent. Vic could see by the shape of what was in the body bag was only partial remains.

The Mayor lifted a hand to his chin in a way to show the doctor he was more curious about his assessment than worried.

“Uh did you see the body yet Murray?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Oh...” The Mayor said as he followed it up with a hmm sound as he scratched his chin in a faux show of thinking.

“Well better show it to me, Doc.”

The doctor looked confused and looked to Murray who only shrugged and then back to the mayor before asking: “Show you the body? Why?”

“Well I uh...” The Mayor looked to Featherstone and smiled awkwardly before answering. “I’m the mayor, Johann, and as you know the Chief has no family or close friends, and that makes it my official duty to identify the body.”

“It does?” the doctor asked.

“Yeah, tell’em Murray. About what...the town charter and all that says...”

“Oh right,” the reporter said. “Yeah on the island, when you die and have no close relations the town charter says the mayor has to identify the body. It’s in the state constitution as well I believe. I think you have to follow the mayor’s lead on this one, Doc.”

9

The doctor still looked unsure but he went to the body bag with the mayor following close behind. With a quick pull on the thick metal tab he pulled it open revealing a bloodied torso that was covered thinly by a torn and blood soaked button up beige shirt with a leather back metal badge still attached on the front of the shirt that said clearly: Poughkeepsie Island Police Department. The stench was foul and thick, all three were gagging loudly at first.

“As I said I believe a shark killed the Chief, Mr Mayor.”

“How’d you come up with that?” asked Vic who felt his internal temperature go to zero.

“Well, the wounds of the torso. Mr Mayor they are consistent with marks of a predatory animals bite.”

The mayor was silent for a second before laughing, he stood beside the doctor with a thumb cocked at him.

“You believe that, Murray. A shark, in these waters.”

The mayor laughed a little louder, Featherstone began to laugh as well and after minute or so Johann was laughing as well though it was forced. After two or three minutes the mayor shook his head and pretended to wipe away a tear from the laughing.

“A shark,” the mayor said though with more disdain this time. “that’s a hell of a guess doc. Did you find a tooth or anything?”

“No,” Johann said slowly.

“Well there you go, and you said the Chief’s body had puncture wounds? Could be he was stabbed by some hoodlums.”

“Who would want to do such a thing?” asked the doctor.

“Antifa?” the mayor asked Featherstone.

“Could be, looks like he has a lot of holes poked in him.” Murray said.

10

“Antifa?” The doctor asked again.

“Oh yeah, doc. It’s their whole M.O.,” the Mayor said with a heavy sigh. “they hate cops more than they hate Trump. God damn woke generation is destroying every good thing this country stands for.”

The Mayor rubbed his head in agitation and looked into the doctors eyes with a look that was trying to convey sadness and deep, deep sorrow.

“Then there’s the fact that we’ll have to close the beaches. You, me, Murray all out on our asses once the whole town finds out about this. God damn antifa terrorists, I almost wish it were a shark.”

“I don’t understand...” the doctor said in a hesitant voice.

“Doc, a shark we could kill it and problems gone and everybody’s back on the beach. You’re from Germany...”

“Uh actually I’m from Romania and went to school in Germany...”

“Yes, yes same thing, Johann. My point is you don’t understand things like fascism, communism, terrorism, terrorist are like mold. You kill one and a dozen more appear the next day. They just spread, and once the island finds out antifa terrorists murdered the Chief everyone will split town, I’ll be voted out for sure.”

“Yes,” Featherstone chimed in though he was as confused as the doctor. “I’ll get run off the paper for reporting such a horrible thing and nobody will be around to get the news paper, so much for freedom of press. The Poughkeepsie Gazette, 1845 to 2020 it’ll be the end of a great run. My wife will understand having to move away, it’s my kids I’m worried about though.”

“Yes, and then there’s you doc. This is the only place you have a license to practice, after that Jiggle challenge scandal back in the mid 90s, you spent over ten years working for free in some filthy Mexican Hospital.”

“It’s not fair, Doc. You deserve better, a man of your education.” said Featherstone.

“You know, it may not be antifa terrorists either.” said the Mayor suddenly.

11

“Huh?” said the doctor who was wondering if he was losing his grasp of the English language.

“You didn’t find a shark tooth, but you didn’t find a knife or a piece of a blade did you?”

“No,” the doctor said very slowly.

“Ah-ha, so this may not even be an antifa hit on a cop. It was accidental, such a shame.”

“An accident...” the doctor asked zipping the bag up again. “but the wounds?”

“Boat and a propeller?” suggested Vic.

“Yeah,” said Featherstone. “he was probably fishing and fell off the boat and

drowned and another boat came along and went right over him. I interviewed him once for the paper, he said his biggest fear was a boat with a propeller.”

“Yes I read that article, it was a good read Murray,” the Mayor said. “kind of stupid to live on an island when you’re afraid of boats with propellers. But he was the mask wearing type so what does that tell you?”

“OK,” said Featherstone getting his notepad and pen out. “Benton, accidental death, yada yada yada...boat and a propeller...I think we can make tomorrows paper if the doc signs the death certificate right now.”

The Mayor turned to a file cabinet behind him that held a manila folder with an official autopsy form that required a write up for cause of death, name of doctor and name of body time etc, etc. The mayor handed Johann the form while Featherstone held out his pen. Normally the doctor would type up everything then give a signature, but he humbly did as he was told and smiled as best as he could.

The Mayor and Featherstone exited the morgue together a few moments later, Vic took out a cigarette and fiddled with a Bic for a moment before he could get it lit. He exhaled burning smoke and took another long drag with his eyes closed tight before accidentally dropping it and stepping on it in anger.

“Is this bad?” asked Featherstone.

“Off the record?”

12

“Of course.”

“Yes, without a Chief of Police I have to close the beaches since he never hired any deputies to replace his old one, we literally have no police force at the moment. It’s all in the town charter you misquoted. I can’t hire a replacement on my own and it could be August before the legislature reconvenes.”

“August, shit Vic the 4th is right around the corner. And that shit about a shark...” the reporter trailed off.

“Have there been anybody calling your office, about shark sightings I mean?”

Vic asked anxiously.

“If there had been I’d of been on you about it already.”

“Well if any one asks about a shark just play dumb got it? At some point though we’re gonna have to tell everyone about the Chief.”

“I could wait until tomorrow night at the latest to announce his death in the paper. I know it’s not much breathing room but you got it if you want it.”

“I’d appreciate that Murray, I have no idea what the hell I’m gonna do.” the Mayor said with a heavy sigh.

He leaned on his car and removed another cigarette, a breeze kept blowing the flame of the lighter out. Featherstone leaned over and held up a recent copy of the Gazette to block the wind, a byline of an article celebrating another win for President Trump for hiring on ‘interim’ an ‘acting’ cabinet member to get around Senate approval. The Mayor took a large drag as he looked closer at the article.

“What is it?” asked Featherstone.

“What is it?” asked Featherstone.

“I know a way I can hire a new police chief right away.” he said taking the paper from Featherstone.

“OK, but who can we get?”

“I’ll get back to you on that, Murray.” Vic said taking the newspaper with him as he got in the car.

13

“Oh come on, Vic. Tell me who.” Murray said a little exasperated.

“When I know you’ll be the first I tell.” he said driving off with a wave.

“OK, Vic but I’m still going to press with the Chief Benton’s death tomorrow night!” he shouted.

Vic heard him absently, his only concern at the moment was finding someone to be interim Chief until at least mid July, the whole Summer would be even better.

He knew the town charter by heart and although he had no mayoral authority to identify anyone's body, he did have an emergency power that would give him sole authority to hire an acting police Chief until the legislature can vote on a permanent replacement. It was the only way to keep those beaches open or he would wind up in the ocean with cement sneakers courtesy of men with names like Tony, Vinny, or Paulie.

Vic didn’t give two shits if the beach was a buffet for the shark, he had no plans to get in that water unless he had the Italians coming after him. His only intention was to keep the tourists and their money coming this way until after

Labor Day and paying off the mob. It was simple, keep beaches open at all costs, pay the Letuzzi’s back and the treasury.

It’ll all go easier now that nosy Benton was gone, he had only been on the Island for a few years and wouldn’t be missed too much by the locals. Vic lit another cigarette as he drove back to his office, trying to forget about sleeping with the fishes, or swimming with the sharks for that matter. He had to focus on quickly finding a replacement for Benton, a real idiot.

Not some former cop who believes they have some kind of sixth sense, someone that people would take at their word even if they were speaking gibberish. The trick was to find some schmuck he could trust but could also lead by the nose like he does Doctor Cocktoastovenstein. But who?

Jack Sackem stood in his bathroom in front of the full body mirror wearing a pair of camo boxer briefs, his mirrored aviators and his criss crossed bandoleers upon his bronze muscular chest pixels. He nodded with approval at his level blonde flat top.

“Yes, I am the sexual Armageddon.” he said flexing his arm while taking a selfie with his phone.

“Let’s see caption, ‘oops forgot pants, don’t pass out ladies’ eggplant emoji, winking devil face emoji and…. post to Facebook. Let’s see Fuckerberg censor that.” Jack said with a herculean laugh.

Jack dressed and left the bathroom just as there was a knock on his front door.

14

“Yeah come in!” shouted Jack as he went to his mantle to give his sport memorabilia a quick dusting before leaving.

The door opened and in walked the spiky hyper green haired Noobert The Hodgepodge, and behind him was Bob the Bot, a robot with a cool gray cylindrical torso, arms and legs and a boxy rectangular head with retroscope eyes.

“Hey Jack, you ready yet?” asked Noobert, wearing a blue button up shirt covered with hibiscus flowers.

“Not quite, Noobs let me just dust off these artifacts of sports greatness. Nice shirt, you going to a luau?”

“It’s my vacation outfit.”

“Oh I though it was your I’m a straight guy wearing a homosexual outfit.”

“Can you make fun of my clothes in the car, we don’t know what traffic will be like once we’re out of the city.”

“Hold on a minute, Noobs. Let me just dust off these artifacts of sports greatness, they’re still appreciating in value.”

“But they appear to be just boxes of cereal long past their sell by date.” clanked Bob.

“They’re not for eating they’re for collecting,” said Jack. “these boxes of Wheaties are special editions of Olympic heroes from the 70s and 80s. See here’s Mary Lou Retton, Steve Veltman, Leslie Deniz, Joe Don Baker...”

“The actor?” asked Noobert.

“Yes, the man who made Mitchell a household name! JDB is an American hero, mother fucker won gold medals for skeet shooting in the 72 and 76 Olympics.

He Walked Tall all over them Soviet pricks, I snagged this box for a grand on eBay. Now quit bothering me with all these questions so I can finish dusting and we can get out of here.”

15

“Yeah, about that Jack. Are you gonna ever tell us exactly where we’re going for vacation.”

“Noob do you remember why I asked you guys to come along?”

“You didn’t ask us you just showed up at the gas station me and Bob worked at and said we had to go with you or you’d tell corporate we were spiking the slushies with fentanyl.”

“Exactly, you’d never do that and I knew I could trust you and Bob to be my designated drivers. I wanted you to use your vacation time wisely and responsibly.”

“OK, so as your DD why not tell us where we’re going?” said Noob.

“God dammit, Noob, see that’s your problems. All these questions, and it’s barely nine o’clock. Ninety percent of an adventure is half of not knowing where you are. If I answer questions, how will you know where you are? Hmm? Well I’ll tell you where you aren’t and it’s not here it’s someplace else.”

After a half hour of confused discussion, Jack was behind the wheel of his Humvee with Noobert at shotgun and Bob in the backseat. At the behest of Jack to keep things spontaneous they decided to drive south and see what lay ahead.

“OK, Bob you got that WiFi thingy set up in you right, you know the dick on a wire thing?”

“Yes, and it’s called a dongle.” clanked Bob.

“Yeah well it looks like a sad cock, and makes sure to spray yourself down with some kind of water proofing, like that poly methane stuff or whatever. I plan on being knee deep in bikini clad co-eds and I don’t want you having a short circuit while I drunkenly drive a boat.”

“I thought Bob and I were going to be your designated driver?”

“Yeah in the car, but on a boat there can be only one captain and that’s me. You ever heard of a co-ed blowing a first mate? Of course not. Uh-oh, looks like I’m low on fuel.”

“We can stop by work and fill up, we’ll use my employee discount.” said Noobert.

16

They drove down Aramingo ave, a multi lane street that was sparsely populated with people mostly by themselves wearing face masks as they walked. The avenue they drove down was just as empty of vehicles as the sidewalks were of people. The air was fresh and eerily quiet thanks to the lock down, most of the

buildings were empty store fronts and shops with closed until further notice signs hanging at their doors.

“I’m glad we can’t catch that Coltvirus 45 shit.” said Jack with a head shake at all the shuttered businesses.

“I think you mean Coronavirus 19, I feel guilty though about not having to wear a mask and going out on a vacation.” said Noobert.

“Why, cause some fuckin mouth breather in Wuhan got freaky with a bat, we’re not human so we can’t carry it which means the rules don’t apply to us. That’s like feeling guilty about having a huge dick.”

“I guess, it’s just hard to enjoy myself when there’s no one around.”

“Noobs,” said Jack with a cocksure grin. “we’ll find some titties to bounce in your face and you’ll feel better. It’s summer and they’ll be everywhere.”

“But it will probably be void of people no matter where we go because of the quarantine.” clanked Bob.

“Yeah, fuck you’re right Bob. All those god damn millennials are afraid of this Corona light crap, especially the hot ones. Shit maybe I’ll meet one of those Tide Pod challenge co-eds, anyone that dumb has to be ignoring the quarantine and be more open to suggestion.”

“Does everything you do involve exploiting women or the uniformed?” asked Noobert.

“It’s like I always say, fuzz ball, you can lead a woman to water but you shouldn’t put a gift in her mouth.”

“What?” asked Noobert.

“My point is Noobs is you gotta be a tough guy, keep your pimp hand soft but strong. Women like a guy with balls, someone who can lay the law down. I bet a lot of your female customers get all hot and bothered when you tell them they have to make a purchase if they want to use the bathroom.”

17

“Well store policy states anybody can use the bathroom.” said Noobert.

“That’s dumb. Ya know Noob why do you work at a Time Kill? You could go to Wawa’s and make more money per hour, plus they have beer at their stores.”

“I just like working at Time Kill is all.” Noobert said in a high voice.

“All right chillax, fuzz ball.”

The Time Kill gas station, which sat across the street from the Aramingo Village strip mall, between a McDonald’s and a KFC, was moderately busy. Half of its twelve pumps were occupied with some customers wearing a mask, all paid at the pump and never left their car. Jack handed a credit card to Noobert.

“Here ask for a fill up and grab me one of those breakfast burritos that are all stuffed with cheese and shit, get one for you oh and get one for Bob too. Bob, you want a burrito, a slurpee, a soda?”

“I’m a robot, I don’t eat or drink.” said Bob.

“OK Bob Jackass, just get some WD-40 to bathe in. And I want a discount, times are tough for me. The FX network canceled all of my TV shows and I’m having writers block.”

“Maybe Netflix will pick it up one of them.” clanked Bob.

“Maybe but I’ve been thinking about getting back into video gaming, did you know Ron Hextall’s Combat Fighter sold over one million units since it’s release last month? I’ve also been trying to get the Game Gimps to review my last game on their channel.”

“Who are the Game Gimps?” clanked Bob.

“They’re these two Gen Xer’s on You Tube who wear gimp suits and get sexually aroused playing bad video games.” said Jack.

“That’s horrible, Jack. All they do is ridicule the game.” said Noobert.

18

“Whenever they play a game sales for it go up, I’ll take a few small dick jokes for some cash.”

Noobert sighed and got out of the car, a breeze ruffled his spikes and the warmth covered him like a blanket. He looked towards the store and saw a familiar burnt orange sedan pull in to the front of the store. His heart skipped a beat when his coworker Kelly Anne stepped out.

She was a happily divorced sandy haired woman who was close to forty but to Noob looked closer to twenty. She was dressed for work in her black polo shirt with Time Kills red, yellow and green TK logo emblazoned on the left side of the shirt. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the soft breeze coming in, she opened her eyes and saw Noob making her smile.

She waved to him and Noobert waved back as she went into the store while putting on a pink face mask. He turned to shut the car door and jumped back an inch or so as Jack stood very close staring at Noobert over the top of his aviators.

“What, what are you looking at?” asked Noobert with a nervous chuckle.

“The fuck kind of wave was that?”

“What, I waved to Kelly Anne she’s, we work at the store together.”

“So that’s why you work here.”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you mean?” Jack said mimicking Noobert’s high pitch voice. “I know she’s a manager like you, so you’re not brown nosing, you want her.”

“I do not, I’m her coworker and we’re friends, I wave to friends. I wave to you.”

“Noobs if you waved to me that way I’d tell you to get off my dick.”

“She’s a coworker, it would be unprofessional to pursue a relationship with a colleague.” Noobert huffed before walking to the store.

19

“Unprofessional?! Hey Noobs the best kind of porn is amateur porn, and the freakiest kind of sex is the unprofessional kind!” Jack shouted.

Noobert sighed as he went into the store ignoring Jack’s vulgar advice. He was feeling icky and a little sad until Kelly Anne came out from the lounge behind the cooler. Her hair was tied back with a bright red bow, her eyes were swimming with good cheer as she approached him.

“Hey Noobert, I’m glad I don’t need this when you’re around, and it’s not like any customers are coming in.”

She removed her mask and that Van Morrison song ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ played in his head briefly whenever he saw that smile.

“Hey Kelly Anne.” Noobert said feeling a mixture of happiness, nervousness, and light headedness.

“I thought you’d be miles from here by now.”

“Yeah, Jack wanted to take his Humvee so we’re filling up and grabbing a snack and then we’re off to places unknown.”

“You don’t know where you’re going yet?”

“No, we’re playing it by ear. We’re heading south until we see something we like.” Noobert said hoping it didn’t sound stupid to her.

“That sounds cool.”

“Of course it’s cool, it was my idea.” Jack said boisterously entering the store with Bob.

“Jack why did you come in here?” Noobert asked with a groan.

“Well I was afraid you’d get lonely so I figured I come in and share some sexually provocative anecdotes with you. Say who’s your lady friend?” Jack said with an arched eye brow.

“Not now, Jack. Can’t you help Bob pick a burrito?”

20

“So you’re Kelly Anne,” Jack said eyeing her name tag. “you know I had sex with a Kelly Anne once.”

“I feel sorry for her.” Kelly Anne said easily.

Noobert, Kelly and Bob laughed as Jack growled.

“Whatever, nobody’s getting a burrito. Come on, Bob we’ll wait outside. I’ll tell you all my cool sex stories while you pump.”

“You handled yourself well.” Noobert said once they were alone again.

“You handled yourself well.” Noobert said once they were alone again.

“Well I learned how to after being married to the worlds biggest asshole for a decade.”

“Jack’s OK, he’s pushy and a little full of himself.”

“A little?” she asked.

“OK, more than a little, but he’s been a good friend when I needed one.”

Noobert said.

“Well I’m glad you have a good friend.”

Noobert purchased the gas , sodas a few breakfast burritos for Jack and said goodbye to Kelly Anne. He was in the parking lot when she called out and walked over to him quickly.

“Hey, when you get back from your vacation will you call me. At home I mean.”

“Is it about the schedule?”

HONK! HONK!!

“Come on, Noobs you silly bastard.” Jack shouted from the driver seat.

21

“Hold on,” Noobert said before turning back to Kelly Anne. “is it the cooler again?”

“No, I wanted to...”

HONK!! HONK!!

“Noobs, let’s go, this thing only gets a mile per gallon and I plan on driving like an asshole.”

“Go ahead on, call me when you’re home again.” she said with a quick smile before heading back inside.

They were on the highway when Jack spoke again.

“Ya know I think that broad is gonna fuck your brains out fuzz ball.” he said which made Noobert choke on the soda he was drinking.

“What are you...” he gasped as he wiped his mouth with a napkin.

“Oh for fucks sake Noob, drop the virgin on prom night act, even Bob can see you are wet for her. The good news is she’s into you too.”

“You don’t know that.” said Noobert.

“Dude, she’s a divorced woman. She knows dick and dick knows her, a divorcee, specifically a female one, is more selective about sex. Some go

months, even years with out, but when they decided they want it again, watch out! I guarantee you Noobs, she will put your dick into a coma before she’s finished.”

“Oh, you’re crazy.”

“Am I? What did she say to you before you got back in the car?”

“She asked me to call her when I got back.”

22

“See mother fucker!”

“It’s probably about work, we’re low on people at the store because of the pandemic and we text sometimes if she needs help making the schedule.”

“Texting you to, eh? Shit, you’re proving my point even more. When she’s done with you’ll feel like you got attacked by a starving wild animal, and she’s gonna strike as soon as the opportunity arises you lucky bastard. My advice if you wanna stay on the road to hump mountain, is to play it cool.”

“I think you’re wrong Jack. It’s not what people with normal jobs do, it’s unethical to even consider such a relationship.”

“Unethical? That makes about as much sense as a bag of dicks, Noobs.”

“It is though.”

“No it isn’t, that is the lamest most gayest thing I’ve heard you say. From now on while we’re on vacation if I say ‘bag of dicks’ that means you are being a lame ass.”

“Well maybe I prefer having morals unlike you.”

“Fine, go shake your moral fiber in some chicks face, we’ll see who’s need deep in the bitches then.”

The sun was close to noon high as they turned off Route 9 and went south into an area where the borders of New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Delaware were all within just a few miles from each other. Below them and to the southwest the Delaware river spilled out into the Delaware Bay. The sandy brown coast was rimmed with white foam from the rolling blue waves.

Beyond the beach were long fields of wheat that turned to green farmlands further inland. In the distance the farms gave way to patches of forest and the suburbs in between. The sky was nearly flawless with just a few strips of white cloud roaming over the water.

“Everything looks so nice and peaceful.” said Noobert.

“Peaceful means no coeds, God damn lock down.” Jack said with worry.

23

They left the view of the coast as they drove into a thicket of forest, on a road called Silver Neck. The road was paved and flat and nearly empty of summer traffic, a sliver of branch a foot long laid in front of them just fifty yards ahead.

“Better go around that branch Jack, you might damage your car.” said Noobert.

“Better go around that branch Jack, you might damage your car.” said Noobert.

“What, are you simple?” asked Jack as he revved the engine. “Noobs, this is the same kind of vehicle used to fight terrorism, I think it can handle a tree branch.”

As the vehicle went over the branch, its even flat movement suddenly became erratic. The front passenger side was immediately lower to the ground. The jeep bounced up and down as a tire below made a loud flopping sound, after a brief moment Jack hit the brakes bringing vehicle to a halt. They sat quietly for a moment in silence until a loud flatulence like sound erupted from a tire and the vehicle sunk even lower than it already was.

“Now why the shit did that happened?” asked Jack.

“Can fight terrorism, Jack?” asked Noobert dryly.

“God damn US Military.” said Jack with a heavy sigh.

“It looks like we have two flats on the passenger side.” clanked Bob as he looked out the window.

“And you only have the one spare on the back,” said Noobert. “...unless...do you have have Triple A, Jack?”

“Hmm, oh yeah I do, open the glove box.”

Noobert opened the glove box hopeful but inside was a DVD case covered with almost naked women.

“Hustler Magazine presents Asses, Asses, Asses, this isn’t Triple A, Jack.”

“Yes it is, that’s what fans call it for short.”

“I meant the auto club.”

24

“Hustler has an auto club, too? I tell ya that Larry Flynt is a regular Edison.”

“Oh, never mind. I’ll call a tow truck.”

“I don’t think that’ll work,” clanked Bob. “since we’ve entered this forest my WiFi has gone down.”

“Yeah, Noobs he’s right. I’m not getting a signal on my cell either.”

“Maybe one of us should walk, the next town is about six miles from here.” said Noobert.

“I’m not walking.” said Jack quickly.

“Why not?” asked Noobert.

“Uh, I’m on vacation, besides I’m not leaving my jeep here for some inbred forrest people to go joy riding with their sister wives. Just go ahead Noobs and send back help, I’ll be fine here.”

“You’re the reason we’re walking, Jack. I told you to go around the branch.”

“Yes, thank you Noobs for your insight. Look nobody wants to walk so why don’t we just sit in the car and wait for some one to drive by and we’ll bum a ride into town. We’re still famous celebrities in our own right and anybody would be honored to give us a ride. All we do is wait for somebody to drive by.”

Ninety minutes later they still sat in the Humvee, the only thing to pass them on the road was the breeze. Jack sat grimacing while holding the wheel, feeling annoyed and hot.

“Let’s listen to the radio.” said Noobert.

Jack turned the ignition and then the nob and was immediately greeted by joyous music.

‘... hands up They’re playing my song butterflies fly...’

25

“Oh I like this song.” said Noobert.

“Bag a dicks, Noob.” Jack said as he turned off the radio.

“I know how we can pass sometime, we’ll play a game.” said Noobert.

Jacked moaned painfully

“I spy with my little eye something that starts with D.”

“Is it, dicks? As in, a bag of?” asked Jack.

“Fine, I’ll play with Bob. I spy with my little eye something that starts with T.”

“Is it a tortoise?” clanked Bob.

“A tortoise, what’s that?” asked Jack.

“It’s a turtle.” said Noobert.

“Well then call it a turtle and quit throwing around your ten dollar words or I’m gonna flip it over on its back.”

“Don’t do that, Jack.” Bob clanked with worry.

“I have to Bob, and I’m gonna tell people you didn’t help.”

“Why aren’t I helping?” Bob clanked nervously.

“He’s just teasing Bob. Look Jack, I’m trying to help pass the time. Not everybody wants to just sit here and brood like you.” Noobert said plaintively.

26

26

“What are you my wife? Only you would come up with something like I spy, don’t you have a top ten list of chicks you wanna smash that we could discuss.”

It was while they argued that Dr Cocktoastovenstein made his way down the road, he sometimes drove the scenic roads on the main land to clear his head.

The whole conversation with Mayor Lazenby and the reporter left a taste in his mouth that felt slimy. He felt like the mayor was trying to hide something, the reporter too maybe. They certainly didn’t keep it a secret they were flouting the quarantine rules, Johann realized and wondered if maybe he was wrong.

When he saw the familiar face of Jack Sackem behind the wheel of his Humvee he forgot his worries about the mayor for the time being, feeling a real smile find his face when he saw his old friend. When Johann had gotten into trouble for Jack’s jiggling breasts contest, Jack was one of the few to defend the doctor even to this day. That feeling of warmth and appreciation redoubled when he pulled over and Jack recognized him.

“Holy shit, it’s Doc Cock!” Jack shouted jubilantly.

He ran over and picked up the old man in a gentle but jovial bear hug. Johann couldn’t help but laugh and give his friend a hug back.

“Hey you guys know Dr Cocktoastovenstein. Hey Johann I still feel bad about talking you into that jiggle challenge thing back in the day. You ever need cash you hit me up, mofo. I mean that legit too.”

“Jack, as always you try to help friends, but it looks as though you are the one in need of help today.”

“Well, Doc you got that right.”

An hour later Jack was in the front seat of Johann’s Buick with Bob and Noobert in the back seat, as a tow truck with the Humvee led the way to an auto shop.

Johann told Jack about the years he spent doing humanitarian work for Rotaplast International in Mexico doing free surgeries for children born with a cleft lip or palate. It was work that made him feel whole inside, like a decent human being.

“You were always a class act, Doc. So where's this auto shop?” asked Jack.

“On Poughkeepsie Island. We’ll have to take a ferry, I’m afraid.”

27

“Is it like, a resort kind of island? With chicks in bikini’s that base self esteem on actions of a bisexual nature?” Jack asked excitedly.

“...uh well Jack as you know we are limited in tourists this summer, due to the lock down as I’m sure you’ll understand.” he said in a hesitant voice.

“Damn it.” Jack sighed.

“Are there a lot of people on the island this summer, Doctor?” asked Noobert.

“Well more than expected of course. The mayor has not been enforcing the lock down rules, a majority of the islanders believe it to be a hoax.”

“A hoax, that’s ridiculous!” said Noobert.

“Settle down lint ball. We’re on vacation, save the facts and science worship for next Summers trip to Canada.”

“Nobody on the island is wearing masks or sanitizing or enforcing any quarantine measures?” asked Noobert.

“It is as I said my green friend, everyone thinks it’s a hoax,” Johann said slowly sounding sad in his heavy foreign accent. “they hear the president on the TV, and Mayor Lazenby he and the newspaper man they repeat each other like the childs game of telephone, except the message never changes.”

“And that’s why I don’t vote, Noobs. That and the jury duty thing, I wouldn’t get up at six am for anything, even sex...maybe anal.”

They came up behind a line of a half dozen cars that were moderately filled, one or two looked to be packed with people. The line ended at a large ramp that sat under a bright blue sign that said ‘Ferry To Poughkeepsie Island’ in bold white letters. Just a quarter mile from the shore was the large ferry making it’s way to them and the other cars through the water.

“Looks like people are partying after all,” Jack said. “they don’t look that young and that one car I can’t see anything in the backseat except boxes of Malibu premixed pina colada. I mean hard tea is one thing but premixed cans of cocktails, get the fuck out of here. Maybe it’s the Covid, doesn’t that shit fuck up your taste buds?”

28

One of the car doors with the cases of Malibu opened up and out came a blonde who looked to be in her fifties wearing a white T-shirt with a caricature of Donald Trump and tight jean shorts. A Marlboro jutted from her mouth as she held a white can of booze.

“Hey hurry this boat up!”

The woman was red faced and though she was loud her voice sounded cheery if somewhat slurred. She followed up her cry by lifting up her shirt in the direction of the captain though he was looking out towards the island. A number of cars honked their horns with a few of the male drivers hooting.

“Shit these MILF’s are acting like co-eds. Looks like you making me drive over that branch was a good thing fuzz ball.”

“That woman just exposed herself to a boatload of strangers, that’s somebody’s mother.” said Noobert with shock.

“And hopefully somebody’s ex-wife, then I’ll show you how it’s done Noobert.”

“I don’t want to see anything done by you, thanks.”

“OK, but don’t come crying to me if Kelly Anne wants to peg you.”

The ferry made landfall as they passed the sign welcoming them to the island, Jack leaned out the window slightly to read the islands name.

“Poo...Pugh...Pugkeepser Island.” Jack said lowering his aviators and squinting.

“It’s Poughkeepsie.” said Noobert.

“Yeah, Poogskeepsie. That’s what I said, Phugkeepsy Island.” Jack said quickly.

The traffic flowed easily as the car drove down the main street known as Delaware avenue. The strip mall here was similar to the one on Aramingo ave back home, with one difference being that it was more populated with people.

29

“Wow I didn’t think I’d see this many people.” said Noobert with wonder.

“There aren’t as many people here as during a normal summer.” said Johann.

He was right, though people were here it was mostly middle age people milling around. Very few young people were about and no one appeared to have children with them. Some shops were open, but just as many appeared to be closed as well. The places that were open had hand made signs plastered to their front windows announcing things such as ‘NO masks needed or welcomed’ and

‘Trump/Pence 2020.’

Traffic moved quickly until they reached a street called Antarctic avenue, on the corner was a Wawa gas station. A cluster of people stood in the stores parking lot gawking at the Wawa, some held their phones out either talking or taking pictures and video.

“Hey Doc, pull over and let’s see what’s up.” said Jack.

Johann pulled over next to a few people in the parking lot, the one closest to them was a middle aged man wearing a black t-shirt with a portrait of Joe Rogan smoking a large blunt. He was taking video with a phone.

“Hey man, what’s going on here?” asked Jack leaning out the window.

“Some crazy fuck took a guy hostage with a knife, keeps screaming shit about his wife.”

“You serious?” Jack asked.

“Fuck yeah...hey holy shit you’re Jack Sackem. Oh fuck dude, I loved ‘Island of the Sluts.” the man said giving Jack a fist bump.

“Thanks man.”

“Hey is that Noobert The Hodgepodge.”

“Yes I am.” Noobert said proudly.

30

“Huh, I was more into Super Miroslav Bros when I was a kid.” the man said as he walked away.

“Ha ha. Aw don’t pout Noobs, he’s just some asshole in a parking lot.”

“Yeah, I guess. Hey where are the police? You’d think they’d have this place surrounded with cops by now.”

“Well we are at the moment with out police, the island’s chief has had an

untimely death.” said Johann.

“There he is! I fuckin told you it was Jack Sackem!”

The man in the Joe Rogan shirt returned, accompanied by another man of the same age wearing a t-shirt of Jesus Christ holding a bag of sugar with the caption under it reading: ‘Sweet Fucking Christ I Need Money’ in bold font.

“Holy shit dude! You’re the fuckin man, Jack.”

“Thanks, dude.”

“Hey man, weren’t you a cop in that one game?”

“Oh yeah, the video game adaptation of All American Murder. Yeah, Christopher Walken was busy filming another movie so I played Detective Decker.”

“Maybe you could do something about this guy, the State Police don’t know how long they’ll take to get here.” said the Jesus shirted man before he and his friend left.

“Hmm.” Jack said thoughtfully.

“You’re not really gonna...” asked Noobert.

“Noobs, All American Murder is a cinematic masterpiece that spoke to me. It made me what I am today and I owe a lot of it to Walken. Bob, I need you to

made me what I am today and I owe a lot of it to Walken. Bob, I need you to download a bull horn app and to follow me.”

31

Jack and Bob got out the car and waded into the small group of people that had gathered. Although Jack could have gone around he wanted to make a grand entrance.

“OK, folks go home and watch movies where the good guys win, until the sequel come out. Make sure to vomit on loved ones it’s gonna get messy.”

The crowd oohed and ahhed at Jack’s bravery as he made his way to the front of the crowd. Inside the store the hostage, a red headed fat man holding the remains of a Twinkie wearing a MAGA hat and a pair of American flag swim trunks, was held around the neck by the arm of a man wearing a filthy flannel shirt and a wife beater stained yellow brown from sweat. In his hand was a long sharp Bowie knife with its tip held dangerously close to the fat mans throat.

“So does anybody know who the shit is in there?” asked Jack.

“Yeah,” said an elderly man wearing clothes similar to Noobert. “ Tim is the guy with the knife he’s my neighbor, him an his old lady, Darla are on the outs.”

“No kidding. Is she hot?”

“Butter face.”

“Huh?”

The old man showed Jack a short video clip on his phone of them arguing earlier in the day outside the store. She was skinny and blond with an athletic body, she wore only a tube top and boy shorts in the video. When she turned and faced the camera Jack squinted.

“Uh, yeah butter face. Some one molested her with the ugly stick.”

“Tim caught her with the mail guy.”

“Shit, mail guy must be blind. Who’s the hostage?”

“Dud Kravits, owns The Beechwood hotel around the corner from the boardwalk.”

32

“Look he’s coming out!” someone in the crowd cried.

The man with the knife held the fat man close too him, who still held a smashed Twinkie. An excited murmur ran through the small flock of people.

“Jack you’re not really gonna do this are you?” asked Noobert.

“Just leave it to me,” Jack said easily.

Bob detached his hand and gave it to Jack.

“Ew, Bob warn me next time you hand over a limb like that, it’s creepy.”

“Sorry, just hold down the thumb and talk into the palm.”

“Ahem,” Jack cleared his throat. “OK, Tim. Leave the fat man alone to eat his cake and put down the knife.”

“Anybody comes near me I’ll cut his throat!”

“Hey Tim, I’m a friend of your wife. I would’ve had Darla stop by and say hello but she’s ugly and I just ate. I hear she chows down on dick like chicken chow mein.”

“Fuckin whore!” the man said with a sweaty crimson face.

“Yeah, she’s some kind of woman. Maybe if you sat on Darla’s face more that might of helped. Your neighbor told me you guys are having problems, she sounds like the type that runs her mouth when you’re failing to perform. He showed me video he took of you two arguing and I get it, her blowing the mailman throws cold water on your lust...”

“Fuck you.” the man said holding his knife out and pointing it at Jack.

“Jack you’re not helping, wait for the State Police.” said a panic stricken Noobert.

33

“Noobs, this is what I’ve been talking about,” Jack said neglecting to release the thumb button on Bob’s hand, letting everyone hear him. “You have got to be a

tough guy, somebody with balls unlike this limp dick over here. Then again that wife of his looks like Jay Leno, I’d be limp as a noodle if I was with someone that god damn ugly...”

“Look out!” shouted someone.

Tim threw the fat man to the ground and charged at Jack his mouth a foaming circle of rage, his body glistened with grease and sweat. He roared an inarticulate cry making a slicing gesture as he charged. Although there were cries and shouting, Jack was cool and immobile even when the man was within striking distance.

With a quick chop maneuver to the wrist Jack knocked the knife from the assailants hand that was oily with perspiration and followed up with a quick punch to the jaw that knocked the man out cold. Noobert quickly kicked the knife away as a roar of joy and applause rung out. Jack was being hugged and back slapped by the bystanders as a large black Cadillac Escalade pulled up to the curb of the Wawa.

“Ah, it is the mayor.” said Johann who walked over to meet him.

The mayor exited his car and ran straight to the fat man, helping him brush off the dirt and sand. The mayor was pail and was sweating worse than the fat guy.

It was then that an ambulance pulled up as well as a police constable from the main land who promptly cuffed Tim.

“Is that the mayor or fat guys girlfriend,” Jack asked. “the dude looks more freaked out than tuby there.”

The doctor spoke briefly to the mayor and the fat man before returning.

“Mr Kravits and the mayor, they asked to speak with you Jack.”

“Why?” asked Jack.

“I am not sure, I told the mayor you were a friend of mine and what you did today. Mr Kravits is a man of high respect on the island and anxious to thank you.”

“High respect, you mean rich?” Jack asked with an arched eye brow.

34

“Yes.”

“Noice, payday!” said Jack excitedly.

“Jack you don’t really expect him to pay you for saving his life, do you?” asked Noobert.

“Maybe, that dude looks like he’d be grateful to live another day to eat a Twix bar. Bob, where are those left over fries we got at that last gas station?”

“You ate them all.” clanked Bob.

“Damn it, I need to bring him something!”

“Why, who cares?” asked Noobert.

“Because I think I read somewhere that in some cultures it’s rude not to bring a fat rich guy a food offering, I wanna show him how classy I am.”

Johann led Jack over to the mayor and Dudley who was getting a blood pressure check from an EMT who looked to be in his early twenties who wore a clean blue face mask. The fat man took off the arm band roughly before the young man could finish and tossed it back to the EMT.

“My blood pressures fine, and take off that mask! You look like a God damn fool.”

The EMT rolled his eyes but left the mask on as he applied an ointment to a scratch on Dudley’s elephantine shoulder. His cheeks wobbled as he turned to look at Jack as he approached with Johann, Noobert and Bob approached as well.

“So you’re the one that saved me, eh? What is your kind called, a digital what?”

“A digital person,” said Jack trying to sound reverent. “I apologize for not bringing a pie. I am unsure of your island customs and didn’t know what to bring.”

35

The mayor and Dudley looked at each other for a moment before they began to laugh, making Jack laugh as well.”

“Why are they all laughing?” asked Noobert.

Bob and Johann only shrugged, after a moment the three of them stopped laughing.

“Jack, I’m Vic Lazenby mayor of the island.” he said giving Jack a firm handshake. “This man here is Dudley Kravits.”

“Dudley, nice to meet you.” Jack said shaking the mans pudgy hand.

“I own the Beechwood Hotel. You can stay in anyone of the rooms that you like for free, the penthouse suite it’s all at your disposal. It’s the least I could do, to thank you for saving my life.”

“Are you shitting me? That’s fuckin a, man...but wait what about my friends? I can’t ditch them.”

“Of course not, bring them along as well. Damn government has got us all running at the bare minimum so we have plenty of rooms.”

“Thanks man, I’m gonna buy you the biggest cake I can find.”

Jack gave the fat man a slap on the shoulder with a loud laugh that annoyed the fat man but he bore it as the mayor asked him to.

“Say Jack, I wanted ask you, how long do you plan on staying here on the island?” asked the mayor.

“I dunno, we’re kinda just following the farts in the wind you know what I’m

“I dunno, we’re kinda just following the farts in the wind you know what I’m saying? Chubby here knows about farting in the wind I bet, huh!” Jack said giving Dudley a slap on the belly that was painful though he grinned.

“Well I only ask because our chief of police died the other day fell into the water, boat and a propeller, the usual...” the mayor sighed softly before continuing. “and without an emergency interim police chief we have to wait until late August to replace him which means no one can legally be here on the island.”

36

“You’d have to kick everybody out, that sucks.” Jack said.

“Everyone’s already struggling because of government over reach, this town could forever be destroyed because one man fell into the water.”

“Hmm, one man?”

“Yes,” the mayor said grimly with a nod. “one man. We’re living in insane times in this great nation of ours Mr Sackem. Oh I know that may sound corny, but I know you’re an American patriot. I played your game once or twice when I was in my younger days. You planted a US flag on a pile of naked women at end of the game.”

“Yeah I remember those days, I was knee deep in hoes back then.” Jack said fondly.

“Of course you did, you were the man, you still are. An alpha male, a mans man.”

“I are? I mean, I am? Yeah of course I am, I’m mantastic.”

“A man, one man who made a difference. For example look at President Trump, inheriting the mess he did after 8 years of that Hussein Obama. Yes sir, did you know President Trump is the first president, in American history, to single handily save this country. It’s an actual fact, you can look it up on Facebook.”

“Is Facebook a search engine? I thought it was for women to feel important by looking slutty in pictures...no that’s Instagram...right?” asked a visibly confused Jack.

“My point is Jack,” The mayor said with a chuckle. “I need you to do for this island what our Dear Leader did for this great nation of ours.”

“Eat fast food and marry a heartless Slovenian woman?”

“No, Jack. I mean be the one man that makes a difference. Will you be the one man?” the mayor asked cautiously.

“Shit I am the man, so yes. Yes, I will be that one man!”

37

“Well then welcome to the island, Police Chief Sackem.”

“Yeah...wait what?”

It took only a moment for the mayor to convince Jack to accept the interim job, the green hodgepodge on the other hand was more careful and asked many questions. Vic had a feeling he was one of those uppity liberals that was more worried about saving the rain forest than the youth of this country. Eventually he

worried about saving the rain forest than the youth of this country. Eventually he and Dudley were able to convince all three of them that the job would mostly be ceremonial and would be void of much danger do to the lock down. After Jack and his friends left for the garage, Vic and Dudley spoke.

“Do you really think this is a good idea, Vic? Having a celebrity as acting Chief might bring unwanted attention from the press. You can trust Featherstone all you want but he’s a blood sucking reporter just like the rest of them.” he said after swift cough.

“I have a leash on the island reporter, Dudley. He doesn’t know about anything I don’t want him to know.”

“But what if he sees one of our Italian friends? He was on the crime beat for the Daily News back in Philly before he came here. He knows the first names of some of those grease balls.”

“With that digital prick as chief the paper will be too busy fawning over the usual bull shit to worry about what we’re doing. Nobody’s reported any sharks sightings either.”

“I don’t care about that god damn shark, I hope the fucking thing eats my wife for all I care. It’s the dagos I’m worried about. Have they texted you again”

“No,” the mayor responded quickly. “I just sent another, very polite text explaining again to them why we’d be short this month.”

“We still owe a million and a quarter.” said the fat man in a tight voice with a shortness of breath.

“That much, huh? This is bad, they’ll kill us all.” said the mayor wishing he hadn’t given every villa a pool and hot tub and all the latest furniture and appliances.

“They’re business men, they’ll understand. God damn communist liberals are probably giving their businesses a hard time too.”

38

“Yeah, maybe.” said Vic though he didn’t think they would.

“God damn it this is giving me a headache. I’ll worry about the grease balls when they show up, for now let’s make sure our new police force doesn’t find out about our arrangements.” said the fat man with a sudden look of nausea.

“Don’t worry, Dudley. They’re just celebrities, I’ve read about that Jack guy on the internet. And he’s not too bright, just another Hollywood sex freak. I know how to keep guys like him from getting in the way.”

While Vic and Dudley spoke, Jack, Noobert and Bob sat on a bench in front of a commercial auto garage called Carini Auto. The Humvee was slowly being brought down a lift with a new pair of tires, business there, like most places on the island, was brisk but courteous. Jack was posting a selfie on Instagram when Noobert spoke again.

“Why do you think you can be Chief of police? You were never really a cop.”

“Neither was Steven Seagal, and that mother fucker got a tank. Besides there’s nobody here. Most people are hiding at home from Covid, it’s not gonna be wall to wall people. Shit the office only needs two phones and there’s three of us. So we’re already ahead.”

“And that’s another thing, why did you make us your deputies? We’re supposed to be on vacation and by the way we have less experience than you. You know I have a life back home I cant just be a cop on an island somewhere.”

“Is that the thanks I get for not ditching you? Look I do realize none of us are actually qualified to do this but it’ll be a cake walk. I told the mayor and chubby that you and Bob would need to split the weekend after the fourth and if they still need a chief I’ll stay on, I’ll give you the keys to my jeep so you can get back to Kelly Anne stroking your moral fiber. OK, fur ball?”

“Yeah, fine. Some vacation.”

“Car’s ready Chief. No charge for the boys in blue.” said a man in greasy blue coveralls.

“Pfft, I can’t believe Jack Sackem is a police officer.”

39

“Believe it you furry bastard, and I just got a text from the fat man giving us the address to...holy shit he’s giving us a villa reserved exclusively for the Chief of police. Oh, man I am gonna bang a lady in every room!”

The villa was a two story four bedroom blue pastel building that was within walking distance of the beach. Two of the four bedrooms had balconies that gave a direct view of the ocean, in the back yard was a heated swimming pool and hot tub. There was even a outdoor indoor lounge with a fully stocked bar.

“This seems awfully lavish for a police officer, don’t you think?” asked Noobert as they stood in the back yard.

“Yeah they probably don’t have anybody renting out any of these palaces this summer.”

They walked back inside into the living room furnished with expensive looking furniture, on a wall was a set of mammoth Dolby surround speakers book ending a 72 inch flat screen TV. Nearly every appliance and electronic device in the home was blue tooth enabled and WiFi capable. Jack approached a refrigerator that had an interactive touch screen on one of the doors.

“Why is the fridge linked to Amazon?” asked Jack.

“So you can order groceries without having to leave the house.” said Noobert.

“Anything? Even if it’s something that needs to be cold?” asked Jack.

“Yes.”

“So I can order a chilled dildo on this thing?” Jack said nodding admirably.

Before Jack could inquire further about chilled apparatuses there was a knock at the door.

“Hello,” clanked Bob who opened the door to a forty something blonde woman.

She wore a low cut blouse under which were a healthy set of breasts, and a pair of black spandex pants and bright white Adidas shell tops. Before Bob could say

anything after hello, Jack quickly appeared 40

and pushed Bob out of the way. He leaned on the door jamb lackadaisically with his customary cocksure grin.

“Well, hello madam. I couldn’t help notice you knocked on my door and are a woman, I find that very attractive.”

“Well aren’t you the ladies man?” the woman said with a flirtatious smile.

“I am...hey wait a minute...” Jack said suspiciously. “are you a selling something? Most women usually slap me in the face when I talk like that.”

“No I’m not a salesperson, I want to know when a man like what he see’s.”

“I see you two are already getting along.” said the mayor who came up the steps from behind the woman. “Chief this is my wife, Alicia. She was Miss Pennsylvania once.”

“Of course you were.” Jack said causing Alicia to titter which made the mayor roll his eyes humorously.

“I didn’t know you were stopping over, did you have to drive far?” asked Jack.

“No, actually we’re neighbors. We’re at the villa next door.” said the mayor.

“You could, pop in whenever you’d like, Chief.” said Alicia while her husband nodded and winked.

nodded and winked.

“Absolutely and we’re always entertaining guests, have you checked out your Olympia hot tub? You can fit eight people comfortably in one of those baby’s.”

the mayor said giving Jack a nudge with his elbow.

“Oh yes you must have us over for the christening, Chief,” Alicia said excitedly.

“we can have a pool party and invite the ladies from Poughkeepsie Island Club, we could make you an honorary member. Of course you’ll have to be initiated.”

“I’d love to join the Pigupsneep Island Club. What’s the initiation, do we spank my ass, do I wear a floppy hat, how’s it work?”

41

“Jack, um are you sure you’ll have time for a club?” asked Noobert who was ignored.

“I’ll let you two set up a plan while I make us some drinks.” the mayor said heading over to the bar.

“My husband and I have an understanding, Chief.” Alicia said stepping closer to Jack.

“Really? I’m awesome at understandings, last month I watched 2001 A Space Odyssey and I understood the whole movie.” Jack said coolly.

“Jack,” Noobert said. “can I talk to you?”

“What is it?” asked Jack when they walked a few feet away.

“Are you about to have...sex” Noobert whispered awkwardly. “...with the mayors wife.”

“They have an understanding...”

“It’s still unprofessional.”

“Noobs I told you...”

“….yeah yeah yeah the best kind of sex is unprofessional but that doesn’t make it right. I’m not trying to stop you I just don’t want you to upset the mayor or forget your responsibilities we have rules to follow.”

“Fine Noobs, I promise not to upset the guy that wants me to bang his wife, okay? And as for responsibility and following the rules that’s why I had the mayor deputize you and Bob. Now, quit acting like a bag a dicks.”

“What’s all this talk about dicks? Vic just called Dudley and he’s bringing the misses and their sister in law. She’s a big fan of yours by the way, she’s bringing wine from her personal vineyard in the Hamptons for the occasion.” said Alicia.

“A fan? Really?” asked Jack excitedly.

42

“Yes but I already warned her that she has to share.”

“Jack maybe...” Noobert said.

“Noob why don’t you and help Bob map the neighborhood roads.”

“I’m not Google.” clanked Bob.

“And with that attitude you never will be, Bob. Noobs give him one of your speeches about morality and commitment, a good twelve hour one that you have to tell somewhere else.”

“But we start tomorrow and we haven’t even...”

“Yeah, that’s great Noobs, good police work. So Alicia, you ever seen a pixelated cock? It’s ridged for her pleasure.”

The three of them quickly got into their policing routine, though there was hardly any tourists to worry over they spent most of the time with the locals.

Noobert would start his shift early in the morning taking the patrol car around the towns popular destinations so he could get to know people. For the third time this week he started at the ports, talking with the local fisherman.

That was usually boring unless Noobert encountered Johnny Catfish, an old timer who had been fishing off these waters since before Eisenhower was bald according to Catfish. At first you’d think he was a MAGA follower because of his belief in conspiracy theories and his hatred for Hillary Clinton, but he thought Trump was no different than the rest of the turds in the DC toilet and claimed to Noobert he’d set himself on fire before he’d use anything called a smart phone or the internet.

“No fuckin, sir. Cunting, technology.” he’d say with a sneer.

He usually wore a dark blue rubber slickers covered at the pant cuffs with green mud that was caked on, he was known to fish for big game and had even reeled in a Marlin once about five years ago that was still mounted to the wall of his fish shack. He was one of the oldest if not the oldest man on the island and caught every fish you could possibly find on these shores. He was a smelly vulgar man but he knew a lot of the locals and was revered by many of the other old timers when it came to island history.

43

Noobert found him in his customary spot besides his anchored boat, ‘The Grampus,’ sitting on an ancient metal folding chair as the early dawn fog rolled in smoking a stinky hand made cigarette. The sun was just a pink smudge on the horizon as Noobert made his way over dressed in his khaki uniform with a badge glistening cleanly in the early morning light. Old Catfish eyed the green hodgepodge warily as he sucked in a lungful of smoke.

“How’s the weather gonna be today, Mr Catfish?” Noobert asked chirpily.

“A warm fucker!”

The old man snapped back at Noobert, who’d figured out early on Catfish always sounded mad. So Noobert would just ignore his tone and cursing and would try to shoot the breeze with him. He respected old people and believe you could learn a lot from them.

“How’s the fishing lately?”

“Huh?” the old man asked.

“The fishing. Are you catching a lot of fish?”

“A cunt!”

“I...uh...I..don’t know what that means, Catfish.” Noobert said.

“I haven’t been catching shit, is what I mean.” the old man barked as he flicked a cigarette into the water.

“Oh...do you know what’s up?”

“Yeah, I god damn know. The fuckin government from New Jersey, stirrin shit up with the Covid.”

“New Jersey?” Noobert asked confused.

“Aye the Jersey snatch sniffers getting everyone all disconfuckulated on the Covid, while they droppin their toxic waste shit from Trenton, bringin it in those 5G garbage trucks dumping their excess WiFi in 44

the bay! I’ve seen them driving them big yellow dump trucks, they all got their Clinton stickers on the rear bumpers, and they’re license plates all government issued blue plates. And in the left corner of those plates, the number 58! That’s Satan’s secret number.” the old man said as he lit another cigarette.

“The government is dumping excess WiFi?” asked feeling ridiculous.

“Yeah, you daffy green cunt ain’t you hearin me? Cocksuckers with blue tooth’s in their ears, my third wife had a blue tooth and the bitch stole my all my money and my pain pills. She was a Hillary Clinton lover, that scissor happy dyke! All her Clinton dollars goin towards fuckin Covid snatches like her, it’s scaring all the fish away.”

“You think Hillary Clinton is making all the fish go away?” asked Noobert.

“Could be that or something else. A Christing shark, a large one could be just eatin’em all the frig up.”

“Maybe.” Noobert said who decided to exit before the old man could lament more on 5G and Hillary Clinton.

Bob spent a majority of the time at the police station’s front desk handling inbound calls and took care of the clerical end of the job. Jack was very much enjoying the life of a police chief, he would do the night time patrols mostly, more often than not though he was at the villa hosting parties with the mayor and his wife and their friends. During the day, if Jack was conscious of course, he was strutting around the island, on the beach usually especially since that reporter did that interview with him. It was a total puff piece and Jack milked it for all it was worth and had many women clamoring for his attention.

It meant extra work for Noobert sometimes but he didn’t mind, it was easier than he’d thought. It was quiet and the weather was at it’s best this time of year, waking up early being greeted by a sun rising over the ocean was the finest way to start the day for him. The smell of the salt in the air gave him a charge similar to the ones he’d gotten recently from Kelly Anne’s texts.

Noobert was nicely surprised to have received random texts from her since they

had arrived at the island. Not about work or anything but just sort of random thoughts and blurbs such as: ‘The Phillies really suck this year’ or ‘Stephen Colbert was hilarious last night.’ Noobert began to wonder if Jack was right about her wanting to go out with him.

He was cautious and though he was reluctant to follow Jack’s advice concerning women, he did try and act cool about it all and had even told her about his job as temporary deputy. He expected a text back from her featuring a laughing emoji but instead received this: ‘that’s cool, I bet you look good in a uniform’ which was followed by a smiling emoji.

45

Noobert wasn’t sure if she was giving a hint, he could of asked Jack but wasn’t in a rush to have his input. Besides they can’t date anyway and she’s probably just being friendly, Noobert told himself, as he was leaving the ports while the fog cleared away to allow the sun to shine down from a clean powder blue sky.

Yes being a cop was intimidating at first but the most dangerous call he’d had since starting was getting a grumpy old cat down from a tree.

Chasing away the meth heads that hung out at the Aramingo station’s parking lot was more troublesome than anything this island had thrown at him. Noobert was nodding his head in agreement with that thought when the CB radio in the patrol car crackled into life.

“Car 6, do you read? Car 6.” clanked Bob over the radio.

“10-4 Bob.”

“Noobert, I received a call about a body on a beach.”

“A body? Is it an over dose?” Noobert asked feeling his stomach turn to a bag of

ice.

“I don’t know, Noobert. The caller said the body appears to have washed ashore just a dozen yards from the Theobald pier where the Ole’ Miskatonic Seafood Buffet sits. Should I call the Chief to back you up?”

“Negative, Bob. Jack’s probably icing his loins back at the villa. Maybe the caller was mistaken and saw a bag of garbage, over and out.” Noobert said though he had a short flash back to his earlier conversation with Catfish.

He nodded his head in negation at that thought. The odds of a shark in these waters was low, who cares about what Catfish said. That old geezer also said the Kool Aid man sexually assaulted the Pillsbury Doughboy and that’s why he isn’t poked at the end of commercials anymore.

“He’s just a crazy old man.” said Noobert as he sped along towards the beach with a tight stomach.

He took the car down Heathcliff avenue towards the Boardwalk and parked in front of an ice cream parlor which sat next to a health food store. He got out of the car and walked under the boardwalk and came out into the open beach and saw a small cluster of people standing on a dune looking down at something.

46

All Noobert could see so far as he approached was sand and a few gulls circling nearby. He could make out the worried faces of the people standing around but he couldn’t see a body anywhere. As he got closer he scanned the shore line but still didn’t see a body and felt relief.

“Hey look, the cops are here.” said a voice in the crowd.

“OK, everybody move along...ew...” Noobert said as he reached the dune and looked down.

It was a body, but not a dead one. It was Jack, he was splayed out naked on a beach towel covered in love bites and holding on loosely to an nearly empty bottle of blueberry wine. Beside him was his uniform bunched up into a pile.

“Jack!” shouted Noobert.

“Hmgph.” Jack moaned as he rolled onto his front with his rear end in the air.

“Ugh,” said a few people in the crowd before leaving.

Noobert sighed heavily as he picked up Jack’s uniform and tossed it over his exposed rectum.

“Jack come on get dressed. You’re scaring the locals, somebody called us because they thought you were a dead body.”

“Huh,” Jack said as he finally woke up rubbing his head. “a dead body, me?

Nah, I’m just dead drunk, I was partying late with the neighbors and crashed on the beach.”

“Thank god.” said Noobert.

“Yeah, no I’m fine, Noobs, the dead body is over their.” Jack said pointing to the shore line where the gulls had been circling.

“What?!”

“Yeah, a jogger found it, then found me and I almost got up to help but then I remembered my rule about never getting up before six am so I laid back down.”

Jack said while dressing.

47

“You laid back down?” Noobert said incredulously.

“Yes and it’s your fault.”

“My fault?”

“Yes you were so insistent on being responsible and following the rules. So Noobs you see how following the rules can back fire on you? I just hope you learned a valuable lesson about this.”

Later the body was in the coroners office, Bob was in the front office handling the phone as usual while Jack and Noobert stood in the autopsy room with Dr Cocktoastovenstein. All that remained of the body was a torso with a partial stub where an arm once was.

“Fuck this dude looks a sloppy Joe.” Jack said.

“Can you tell what happened, Doc?” asked Noobert.

“Well, this was a man, he has been dead less than a day. Although there is very

little left of major organs, the lungs are intact still and are not filled with sea water. It is definitely not a drowning, it is the serrated flesh that worries me.”

“Why, Doc Cock?” asked Jack.

“Well I am not a vet nor do I have extensive knowledge of sea life but it appears this man may have been victim of a shark attack.”

“Shark attack? Are you sure, Doc?” asked Noobert.

“As I said my knowledge of animal physiology is limited, it is only an educated guess. The body of the previous Chief was found in a similar condition, I had to list it as death by misadventure a uh...boat propeller to be precisely. If I had done otherwise, I think the mayor would have just gone around me to change it to whatever reason he pleases. He could say it was drowning and everyone would listen to him before me.”

“Was their water in his lungs?” asked Noobert.

48

“The lungs on the poor chief were tore badly, if they had seawater in them I could not say for certain. I can’t say one hundred percent whether he drowned or was eaten by a predatory animal or was killed by a passing motor boat.”

“So maybe not a shark, great glad to hear it.” said Jack.

“But what if it is, isn’t their some kind of procedure we have to follow for a shark attack?” asked Noobert.

“I know who to ask,” said Jack “Bob, get your logical ass in here.”

“Did you need me to mix you another Bloody Mary, Jack?” clanked Bob.

“Later, man just tell us what to do when there’s a shark attack.”

“According to maritime law if the event can be officially certified as an actual shark attack the Coast Guard is to be notified immediately, after which the beaches in the vicinity of the attack will have to be closed.”

“We have to prove it?” asked Noobert.

“Yes, my green friend.” Johann replied sheepishly.

“Only a shark could have done this.” said Noobert.

“I dunno, Noobs. Maybe it is a boat and a propeller, I should run this by the mayor first.” Jack said.

“Oh there’s an idea.” Noobert said sarcastically.

“What’s with the attitude, fuzz ball?”

“I don’t trust the mayor.”

49

“Why, because he’s a Trump lover?” Jack said with an eye roll.

“Jack, how can you trust someone who gives you their wife away like that? And why is the mayor always sucking up to that Kravits guy? They both look like they swallowed a lemon, even that preacher they hang with seems fishy to me.

Why is everyone going so far out of their way to make us happy?”

“Noobert again with questions, all you can get from questions is knowledge unasked for, is that really what you want, Noobs? Something unasked for?”

“What I want Jack is to follow the rule of law. Just because we wear badges doesn’t mean we’re above the law.”

“I thought that was the whole point of wearing a badge?” asked Jack.

“But that is the law on the island,” said Johann. “without proof that this man died from a shark only the mayor can close the beaches otherwise.”

“And I bet the mayor would hand over his mother to Jack if meant keeping those beaches open.” said Noobert.

“Well I’ve had sex with her twice already. You know what they say, ‘a bird in the hand is worth a dick in the mouth’. So how do we prove a shark ate this guy?” asked Jack.

“I imagine it would require forensic evidence.” said Johann.

“Forensic evidence? What do we get it laid or something and steal the

condom?”

“He means we need to find a tooth, Jack.” said Noobert.

“So we have to wait until then, eh? Well, Bob better mix me up another Mary I need a nap.”

“You’re really going to take a nap right now?”

“Yes, Noob. If that’s alright with you?”

50

“It isn’t.”

“That was a rhetorical question, fuzz ball. Look unless this torso coughs up a tooth from its throat hole we don’t know anything for sure, the doc is stuck ruling it an accident without one. If you wanna stress out over it go ahead, me I gonna try and nail Reverend Voight’s wife. She’s curvelicious and those bible thumpers are demons in the bedroom.”

“Jack, sometimes I think you really are nuts.”

“Noob, as the well endowed Johnny Holmes once said: ‘If ladies with thick butts shared candy and nuts we’d all have a Happy Halloween’ so I’m not gonna worry until I have to. Now if you gentlemen will excuse me I have a prayer meeting with Mrs Voight I need to rest up for.”

Noobert and Bob went back into the front office once Jack left with Bloody Mary in hand, they stood at the panorama window looking out on the island’s

main street which was sporadic with people. The place was quiet and only the sound of a gull crying could be heard on a lone salty breeze.

“Covid has really hurt this town, Bob. If there is a shark, it really could kill this place and keep anybody from ever coming back. We need proof to back it up.”

“Well you could always go out and look.” clanked Bob.

“You mean go out on the water on a boat? But that seems like we’d be looking for a needle in haystack.”

“Perhaps it is not the best option but it can’t hurt to try. According to NOAA research sharks are known to return to the same place to feed, and that they are night feeders. Dr Johann examined the bodies and said he believed the torso and the former Chief both died at night. After analyzing all of our data, the chances of a sighting increase by searching at night.”

“I guess that’s the only way. I’m gonna drive back to the port and go talk to Catfish, maybe he can help. Hopefully he didn’t go out yet.”

Noobert got into the patrol car and drove back to docks but upon arrival saw Catfish’s boat ‘The Grampus’ was gone and the door to his shack was locked tight and the shades drawn. A middle age fisherman wearing yellow slickers was untying his own boat nearby whistling ‘Baby Got Back’ was nearby.

51

“Hey, did you talk to Catfish? Did he say if he was fishing today?” asked Noobert.

“I didn’t talk to him officer, my guess though is that he went off to fish.”

“So he’ll be back this evening?”

“He usually is, unless he went off to the mainland to fetch himself a pro and some beef.”

“Pro and beef?”

“Ayuh, uh a whore and a steak dinner. He does that and drinks too much whiskey and sleeps it off, if that’s where he went he might not be back for a few days.”

Noobert thanked the fisherman and decided to forgo talking to Catfish. It was night when Noobert came back to the station and was surprised to find Jack there, though technically he was supposed to be at the station on nights, he hardly ever was.

“Jack, I thought you’d be back at the Villa hosting another party.”

“Well the mayor’s wife is hosting a sex toy party tonight at their place and I told her I couldn’t go cause Bob told me your plan and I wanted help so she decided to host the party at the station. I figured Bob could go with you too while I’ll man the phones. Everybody is coming tonight even the Voight’s, FYI Mrs Voight has a mouth that could put the hookers at Broad and Locust to shame.”

“But Jack, what’ll you do if the reverend finds out?” clanked Bob.

“Finds out? Shit, he took video of it while standing in the corner with a lamp

shade on his head. He said it was God’s work, and who am I to question God.”

“Well that’s a relief, I guess.” said Noobert.

“Yeah, now you guys get out of here. The mayor’s wife is stopping over early with the ladies club to sample the wares and I promised to sort the vibrators and the dildos. Nobody asked me too, I just have OCD about those things.”

52

Noobert and Bob took a patrol boat out after sundown. The lights from the shore slowly dwindled, when they were a just a half mile out everything around them was dark. The only light was the bulb hanging in the standing shelter, the water was placid and as black as the night sky above. Bob piloted the boat while hooked up to the vessels GPS and radar, he turned off the engine when they were in the vicinity where the previous Chiefs boat was found anchored.

All around them was total darkness and the sound of gently lapping waves.

Noobert stood on the forward deck and turned on a powerful search light and slowly coasted it on the water line. Despite the brightness it still felt like he was just wandering around in a dark room with a Bic lighter, after only a few minutes of looking Noobert felt hopeless.

“Bob, I don’t think this is going to work. We can’t see anything let alone a shark under water.”

“Perhaps we...”

Bob was interrupted suddenly by a beep deep inside him. Bob touched the radar screen besides the ships wheel and looked closely at the screen.

“What is it Bob?”

“There is something floating on the water. Not garbage or debris either, something bigger.”

“Where?”

“One and one quarter knots northeast of our position.”

Bob turned the engine back on and went ahead at an easy pace while Noobert scanned the waters with the spotlight. He could feel his heart pounding as the bright white light hit the stark black waves, expecting to see a behemoth of a sea animal come out of the water in a loud roar but the waves were calm and moved under them like dark silk.

Noobert was about to ask if Bob’s coordinates were correct when his light glared off the bow of a mid sized fishing trawler. Most of the boats had an off white color to them, however this ships body was the color of dirty yellow making it looked like it was stained with nicotine. The boat was familiar to Noobert, however it wasn’t until he saw the name ‘The Grampus’ on the boats stern did he feel his stomach drop.

53

At first glance the boat appeared fine, the anchor was down and the motor was off. But none of the vessels lights were on, and the boat was silent even the radio was quiet. Noobert shined the light on the stern and saw the boat was lower on one side than the other.

“Oh no, Bob. That’s Johnny Catfish’s boat, it looks like it’s sinking.”

“Goodness, what happened to him?”

“It’s the shark, it’s gotta be.”

“Should we tow it in now?”

“Not yet. If a shark did this it might be our best chance to prove it.” said Noobert as he raced down into the cabin.

“What are you going to do?” asked Bob.

“Take a quick dip.” said Noobert as he came back up from the cabin holding a divers mask and a pair of fins.

“But you could be killed.”

“Don’t worry, Bob. I’ll be quick, sharks lose hundreds of teeth a day, if this thing attacked Catfish’s boat then there’s gotta be a tooth somewhere.”

“Be careful.”

Noobert grabbed a water proof flash light and put on his goggles and fins while taking a few deep breaths. He tightened the goggles and took one more big deep breath, turned on his light gave Bob a thumb up and went over board. Although it was Summer, the water was cold and felt like knives on his skin for a moment.

Without wasting time on thinking about being in the cold inky darkness, Noobert swam quickly over to the boat. The light was pitiful in these black depths but the nicotine stain of the vessel looked bright in the lights beam. Noobert pulled himself to the center of the boat and could see a hole. It wasn’t a large hole, maybe big enough to get most of your head through.

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It was a jagged looking round gash, Noobert stuck his arm in feeling around. His heart was beating fast from the terror of possibly being eaten alive as his hand explored some unknown broken region of this boat. His fear was gone for the moment when his hand hit an object.

His fingers closed around something flat and the size of his hand which felt like had serrated edges. Noobert pulled his arm out and shining the light, he saw that he was holding a shark tooth. Noobert got back to the boat and had Bob take them back to shore.

Back at the station the party was in full swing, a lot of the people they’d met recently were there. The island reporter and his fiancee were there as well, everybody but Dudley and his wife had shown up. His wife texted that Dudley was feeling under the weather and that they would be unable to make it.

Scattered through out the office were empty and half empty cups and bottles of booze with a random dildo here or there in the odd place. A large black one sat rigidly in an umbrella stand, a pair of candy apple red ones sat in a pot of dirt like flowers, one of them even sagged a little, a five foot long hot pink double headed dildo laid on the front desk with the words Cock Strong Toys Inc. etched on the side. Everyone had a drink in hand and was in good spirits until the door to the office opened.

In walked Noobert, drenched head to toe and still wearing the diver googles and fins, holding something in his hand, Bob followed behind. Everyone had gone

silent, there was a slight gasp but nothing else. Even Jack was quiet, his mouth hung agape in a confusion.

“Noob why are you dressed like you went down on Swamp Thing?” asked Jack.

Noobert walked forward with out speaking a word, and tossed the object in his hand to Jack who caught it easily.

“It’s a shark tooth. There’s a shark off the waters of this island, here is your proof.”

Everyone at the party gasped and muttered to themselves. Suddenly the mayor came forwards, laughing as he walked hushing everyone.

“Now, now what’s this I hear about a shark?”

Jack handed the triangular object to the mayor, he put on a pair of bifocals as he looked at it for a moment. He smiled and laughed a laugh the sounded hollow in Noobert’s ears.

55

“This?” said the mayor chuckling. “Dud Kravits sells these at the front desk of his hotel. Ten dollars a pop.”

“What?” asked Noobert incredulously.

“It’s just a trinket you found, an impulse item Dudley keeps besides the registers at his hotel and gift shops.” the mayor said laughing and nodded to the other party goers.

A few laughed and nodded, most just smiled politely at the mayor. Noobert’s face was turning red as he looked at the faces of the others. He wanted to scream and shout but instead took a deep breath and remained civilized.

“Johnny Catfish is dead.” said Noobert.

“The guy from the ‘Sex Pistols’? asked Jack.

“Not Rotten, Jack! The fisherman!” Noobert said. “He’s dead, Bob and I found his boat.”

People started muttering more loudly, one of the women at the party began to sob.

“Now wait a minute deputy,” said the mayor sharply. “did Johann examine the body?”

“Well...not exactly no..we didn’t find a body...”

The mayor smiled and held up a reassuring hand to the other party goers as Noobert continued.

“...but his boat was anchored out in the water, he wasn’t even there! Nobody was, there was a big hole on the hull it was slowly sinking!”

“OK, so maybe he blew himself up.” said the mayor.

Noobert cringed a little but didn’t speak, he stood glaring quietly.

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“Look deputy,” said the mayor trying to sound reasonable. “old Catfish was known to fish with dynamite he fished for big game. He could have been terrorists as well you know.”

“Terrorists?” Noobert said through gritted teeth and a sweaty red face.

“Antifa, maybe.” said the mayor with a nod to himself.

“It’s happened before.” said the reporter Featherstone.

“ARE YOU PEOPLE ALL FUCKED IN THE HEAD!?” shouted Noobert.

Everyone was wide eyed and frightened by his outburst. Noobert’s teeth even flashed a little as he scowled at the office full of party goers. He grabbed the five foot pink dildo and began to strangle it with a snarl.

“YOU KEEP IGNORING THIS PROBLEM IT’S GONNA SWIM UP AND

FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!!” he shouted shaking the dildo like a scrawny neck.

Okay, Noobs,” said Jack putting an arm around Noobert’s heaving shoulders and putting the toy down. “uh let’s just settle down now shit, I didn’t even think you knew any swears. What the mayor probably means is that perhaps Mr Catfish had an accident.”

“Like Chief Benton did and the torso that washed up on the beach?” asked Noobert.

“Hmm, you know mayor that does seem like there’s a lot of accidents around here.” said Jack.

“Well let me ask you something deputy. Isn’t it a scientific fact, that sharks don’t eat humans.” the mayor asked furiously while emphasizing on the word scientific.

“Yes but...”

“Well there you are, science once again proves out deputy. Perhaps if you did more research on the internet you’d be more adept at these situations.” the mayor said with a wagging finger before continuing.

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“Now the fourth of July is coming, and we plan on being open for business. I didn’t let those Antifa terrorists destroy this island with their cuckish liberal lock down agenda, and I’m not gonna let some god damn bull shit fish destroy it either. Chief why don’t you make sure the deputy takes an Uber home, I think maybe he’s had too much to drink. Been seeing pink sharks I bet.” the mayor finished with a curt laugh.

There was more laughter as Jack walked Noobert and Bob outside.

“I can’t believe...how can these people be so blind?” asked Noobert.

“Well Noobs you know what they say, large tits can’t stay upright.”

“And why didn’t you back me up?” asked Noobert.

“What, I never said you were wrong.”

“You never said I was right either.”

“Noob what the shit do you want from me? The guy is fucking moron, he thinks the Earth is flat.”

“What?” said Noobert.

“He thinks the Earth is flat, man.”

“But...he has that big telescope in his back yard...I’ve used it.”

“Yes and so has he, Noobert. The man believes the Earth is flat.”

“What about the moon and the other planets?” clanked Bob.

“Oh he believes they’re round, it’s just here it’s flat.”

“That sounds made up, you made that up tease me.”

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“Noobs I tease women not my bro’s look,” Jack said taking out his phone. “here scroll through his Facebook page...this mother fucker thinks Jesus lived with dinosaurs and that Obama picks the power ball numbers. Noob, you could show the mayor a picture of Trump blowing a ten year old and the mayor would just tell you the president loves children.”

“What’s your point?” Noobert sighed.

“My point is nothing will convince him to shut down the beaches, not you or me or even his wife with the huge knockers. He’s a politician, it’s a pride thing.”

“Pride?! People are dying, shark or not, you’d think he’d be a little curious as to why. Surely some of these people who died are voters.”

“Not anymore, Noobs, and they ain’t spending money on the island anymore so he probably gives less fucks than usual about people. The islands broke and nobody has a job, lots of people are having that problem right now.”

“Maybe I should just quit, Bob and I only have a few more days left of vacation anyway.”

“No, don’t quit guys.” said Jack sounding genuinely sad. “I haven’t had this much sex since I was Atlanta’s mascot for the 96 Summer Olympics, but it’s not as much fun if I don’t have a friend to brag about it with. Just stay until your vacations over, come on dude this is still better than hosing down a gas station bathroom. Am I right?”

“But what about the shark?”

“What about it? The mayor made a good point, sharks don’t eat humans...”

“That’s not entirely accurate.” clanked Bob.

“Really, Bob? Have you ever had dinner with a shark?” asked Jack.

“Don’t be stupid, Jack. I’m serious, what about the shark? I won’t stay unless we take some kind of precautions.”

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“OK.”

“That means from now until Bob and I leave, you go with me every morning and we patrol the water on the trawler.”

“Every morning?! At what time?”

“Six am.”

“Six am! What the fuck, Noobs. How am I supposed to play by my own rules that early in the morning?”

“It’s that or Bob and I leave right now.”

“Ugh, fine. Having friends is gay sometimes.”

By July 1st more people in bigger groups were coming over the ferry during its hourly trips. The beach and the boardwalk filled with people roaming about as if there was no pandemic, some wore t-shirts attesting to that belief. The increase of people on the beach and in the water since the 1st had Noobert on edge.

Today he and Jack, who was nonplussed by the idea of a shark, were patrolling the water on the trawler again.

“Noobs, check out the fat dude!” Jack said excitedly on the deck looking through binoculars.

“What?” said Noobert who lowered the throttle to hear him better.

“That fat dude, you think a shark could eat him whole, I mean in one swallow?”

“Are you being serious right now?”

“Yes, I being serious right now, Noobert. You ever heard of something called ‘in the interest of science?’ That big dude floating out there could save a lot of people if the shark eats him first.”

“Just keep a close eye on the water.”

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On the beach the mayor walked wearing his suit and tie, though his wife was laying out in a yellow bikini much to the delight of the men nearby. Vic glad handed with tourists and locals alike until he saw Dudley Kravits. He was wearing his usual American flag swim trucks and was laying on a large towel with his wife wearing a black one piece swim suit and black swim cap. She looked like a penguin with a dumpy ass, Dudley however looked much worse.

Dudley saw him and signaled him over with an exaggerated wave, Vic could see the anger in his gesture and hurried over. Although it was at least eighty five degrees and a sunny day, Dudley was covered in goose bumps. His face was pasty and he sounded out of breath. As he huffed and puffed breath, sweat came down his face in rivers.

“Dudley, Christ are you OK?” asked Vic.

“Never mind me, tell me what the fuck is that police trawler doing out there?” he said in a nasally voice.

“Oh, hello Victor,” said Dudley’s wife oblivious to the conversation. “would you like some egg salad?”

“Oh, no Emily, thank you. You want me call them in?”

“Yes call them in you idiot. There’s a couple of little bastards running up and down the beach scaring the older people, kicking sand on ladies trying to sun bathe while the Chief is out there tanning his dick.

“Would you like some egg salad, Dudley?” asked Emily.

“No. You’re not making it right, it has no flavor. Vic use the radio at the life guard station and tell him to get back on land and do his job.” he said following it up with a loud cough.

As the mayor ran to the nearby life guard station and Jack eyed another fat person on the beach pondering how many fat people it would take to sate a

sharks hunger, Noobert eyed the north side of the beach where a majority of the people were. It was to the south however that the shark was traveling towards the beach at a little over twenty miles per hour, in the direction of Reverend Voight.

He was at the party the other night when that deputy made a fuss about a shark, but he believed the mayor when he said the shark story was all bull. And even if there were a shark, he wouldn’t let it interrupt his daily swim, not he who had courageously ignored his homosexual urges. Though he did 61

watch a few minutes of gay porn the other night on the internet and was massively erect within seconds he did not masturbate, the Lord surely would reward his chastity.

He was a student of the prosperity gospel and one of the richer men on the island, the Lord would protect him. The shark however knew nothing about the Lord’s protection or the prosperity gospel, this miracle of evolution knew only how to swim, and eat. This animals appetite was insatiable under normal conditions, however this shark was suffering from an illness.

This fifteen foot animal which was of the Great White variety was suffering from the Coronavirus. The symptom that had the greatest effect on it was the animals ability to taste or smell food correctly. It is still unknown how the animal acquired the virus but the evidence examined after the fact points to that.

The Reverend was doing a back stroke just a dozen feet from the shore line when he heard a scream come from the beach. The roar of the waves and the sound of a motor from a boat was drowning out the shouts coming from land. He was on his last lap when he heard the word shark clearly.

He stopped and looked towards the shore were a few people were jumping up and down and pointing in his general direction. He looked back over the other way behind him and could see the police trawler coming carrying the Chief and his deputy waving and pointing at him as well. Jeremy was confused until he looked slightly to his right and saw the unmistakable triangular fin of a shark.

Jeremy took in a huge breath and swallowed a half pint of sea water before letting out a girlish scream. In a panic he swam fast and turned the water around him into foam. His cries became full on sentences mixed in with prayer.

“Father who art in heaven hollowed be thy name, I’m sorry for my gayness!” he shouted as he edged to the shore.

The shark continued forward at its speedy pace. It’s path was open and free of other swimmers, cutting the water like a hot knife through butter. Though the Reverend swam fast, the shark swam faster and closed the distance from a dozen yards to dozen feet in just three seconds.

“Lord I am not worthy to receive but please forgive me for loving dick!” he shouted before being taken under by the shark.

The mayor stood on the beach as the water where Jeremy once swam came out red, a few of the people on the beach screamed but not just from the shark attack.

Vic looked back to where Dudley and his wife sat, a life guard was performing CPR using an apparatus to protect his mouth from germs. He was doing chest compressions in between breaths but judging by Dudley’s face, he was stone cold dead.

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It was then that the deputy was suddenly in front of him, with his white gloved finger pointing at the him as he shouted. The Chief look at the crowd befuddled.

“Yo did that guy say he loved dick before he died?” Jack said.

Vic tried to turn away but Noobert was on him faster than the shark was on Reverend Voight.

“So mayor you gonna tell me Voight drowned! Or maybe it was Antifa? I heard from the doc they have homicidal boats with propellers around here!” Noobert shouted as he walked closer.

“I was looking...” Vic stuttered.

“You were looking for what? Looking out for the public good? Looking out for a greedy jerk, maybe looking out for yourself? What mayor, what were you looking for? A new campaign slogan? Maybe it was a shark you were looking for.”

“You knew there was a shark in the water and you let the beaches open anyway?” asked someone in the crowd.

There were a few gasps and some angry murmuring in the crowd.

I...”

Vic looked at saw everyone on the beach was watching him, locals and tourists.

He saw Emily weeping over her dead husband, over the water seagulls were eating up the remains of Reverend Voight. Vic took a few deep breaths to control himself, he was a genuine Republican politician. He could talk his way through anything.

He smiled a little as everyone stared at him, he knew what he was going to say too, he licked his lips and smiled a little then he felt his phone in his pocket vibrate. He quickly rummaged it out and saw a text from the Italians which said:

‘we are here for our payment, Mr Mayor.’

“I uh...”

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Vic put his phone away and looked back towards the water where the remains of the Reverend floated on the water, then looked over to the beach where Dudley lay still as a statue while an EMT zipped him up in a body bag. It was then that Vic realized, he was the only one left to pay the mob back their one and a quarter million dollars. That wasn’t fair, it was Dudley’s idea and he had the most capital Vic muttered to himself.

“What did you say, Mayor?!” shouted Noobert.

Vic, was a man of the proper Republican breed that tried to follow the lessons of other great Republicans such as Harding, Nixon and Trump. But he did the only thing a man such as he could do.

“I say fuck you assholes!” Vic shouted.

He gave everyone the double bird and ran away. Since he wore dress shoes on the beach his gait was awkward and buffoonish. A few people watched in confusion as he ran on the sand like a toddler taking his first steps.

“Vic?” said Alicia watching her husband run away.

“Vic?” said Alicia watching her husband run away.

He slipped into a dune but didn’t fall however he did lose a shoe. By the time he reached the boardwalk, he was limping slightly and tore a sleeve on his special summer sports jacket emblazoned with tiny anchors. Everyone on the beach was quiet, quiet enough to hear the Mayor rev his engine and drive off somewhere.

“I gotta tell ya I wasn’t expecting that.” said Jack.

“Where is he going?” asked Noobert.

“Maybe he had to take dump, when you gotta go you gotta go.” said Jack.

“Oh, Jack!” Alicia cried sadly as she embraced Jack. “Why did Vic run away?”

“I dunno, he ran like the cops were after him. We may never see him again, but look on the bright side now we can have sex without him fapping in the corner.”

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“Sex with you wouldn’t be as great without Vic standing in the closet smoking Chesterfields while rolling up tube socks.”

“You Republicans got weird fetishes.”

“I’ll probably have to get a job now, me a Miss America 5th runner up. I’ll miss your filthy rag doll cock.” she said in a quiet sob.

“Hey easy with the R bombs lady, that’s our word.” said Jack with a fond chuckle.

“Good bye, Jack.”

Alicia walked away as Jack and Noobert stood on the beach with a dwindling number beach goers who were leaving. Though it was a gorgeous summer day it was Winter time quiet through out the island. The Mayor drove only a few blocks before he realized his Escalade made him easier to find.

He parked in a handicap space at a jutted angle and had the ignition off the key out and a foot on the sidewalk in one quick move. His fluid motion was stopped by a passerby named either Mack or Mick, he was in his forties and wore a faded black hat with the words ‘I Done Did It’ written in fancy script and drove one of those faggoty little mini coopers. Vic only knew him because he would always stop into his office to complain about some dumb fucking thing or another even when the old Chief was still around for that kind of thing.

“Oh hey, Mr Mayor, looks like your really far from the curb. Did you get my note in your mail box about the neighbor and all his cats knocking over my garbage cans and spilling everything everywhere, I told the new chief but he said the cats were probably jealous because I’m so fat and they didn’t have anything to eat.”

“Yes, I’m sure he was just joking.” Vic said trying to get around the man.

“That’s what I thought,” said Mick or Mack still standing in Vic’s way. “but he was rolling his eyes at me when he said it and I said he was being very rude and he said, do you know what he said to me?”

“Oh get out of my way you fucking idiot!” cried Vic shoving the man away.

He ran quickly passed a side street and around the corner from the store ‘Liquors R Us’ and began speed walking a back street that he could take the whole way on foot unobserved with the docks and

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the ocean on one side and the tall privacy hedges for the villas on the other. He walked low and looked high and saw no one until he was with a few dozen yards of the port where his house boat was docked. There he saw the short olive skin man doing something to his boat.

Vic stood watching for only a moment and decided he better make a run for the villa instead grab some cash and get the hell off this island on the ferry. In the parking lot of the pier was the black late model sedan being driven by the bald captain for the Letuzzi family. Along for the ride was a the hitter, the short intense looking olive skinned man that would ‘talk’ to the mayor if he failed to pay.

He currently stood beside the opened door of the cabin of this enormous boat handling a bomb with an electronic detonator. He had never used one of these things before and only agreed to use it because he told the boss he knew how to for some reason. And Anthony ‘Knuckles’ Cornavalli Letuzzi was not someone you lied too.

So it was either get your tongue cut out or blow yourself up. So here he stood carefully trying to figure this thing out when he pressed a button and a tiny green light lit up beside the word activate. He was slowly beginning to understand how it worked when suddenly the horn from the car began to honk and Nicky was shouting.

“Let’s go! I see that mother fucker!”

He dropped the bomb and accidentally set the countdown timer as it hit the floor and rolled down the steps in a dark corner below. The hitter didn’t realize he had dropped the bomb though he wouldn’t have cared if he had known. The mayor was sneaking around from them so it was obvious he couldn’t pay and the chase was on.

Not long after that chase began Jack and Noobert were putting up a beaches closed sign. Noobert held the sign while Jack hammered it down.

“Hey why are you closing the beach?” asked an old man wearing black T-shirt with a close up of President Trump’s face his mouth unhinged and gaping, the picture was probably taken in the middle of him shouting something.

“There’s a shark in the water. There’s no swimming aloud.” said Noobert.

“You can’t tell me what to do! It’s a hoax! Why do you hate America!?” the man cried defiantly.

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“Hate America...no I said there’s a shark in the water, if you go in you could be eaten.” said Noobert plaintively.

“I know my rights!” said the man with an ugly sneer before walking away muttering about Antifa and video games.

“I can’t believe these people. A man was eaten by a shark in front of two dozen people and they’re people calling it a hoax.”

“We’ll Noobs, it’s that whole sharks not liking to eat people thing. You know what a dumb ass I am but even I know that’s a fact.”

Before Noobert could respond he got a call on his radio.

“Deputy, do you read? This is HQ, over.” clanked Bob.

“I read you Bob, whats up?”

“The doctor and I have some important news, you and the chief should come back to the office quickly, over.”

Twenty minutes later the four of them were in the morgue looking over a few sheets of paper showing data of some type. Bob and Johann were hunched over the papers still looking over the data when Jack and Noobert arrived.

“Hey Doc, shouldn’t you be in quarantine? The hospital said Dudley had Corona.” asked Noobert.

“Yes and I already have tested positive, but since you gentlemen are not affected by Covid that means I can stay here and help you with your latest problem, I feel partly responsible for not being more assertive against the mayor and I am trying to make up for it. I will allow our robot friend to explain.”

“Johann and I found out why the shark has been eating people, it has somehow acquired Coronavirus 19.”

“Get the fuck outta here?” Jack said making a jerking off gesture.

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“I’m afraid it is true, Chief.” said Johann in a tight voice. “We have already double confirmed it with my contact at a CDC office on the mainland who preformed the test on the tooth Noobert found.”

“That explains why it was eating people.” said Noobert.

“Looks like I’ll be giving you guys a ride home.” said Jack with a shrug.

“You’re leaving?” asked Noobert.

“Yes I’m leaving, let the government take over and kill the shark. Besides Alicia is gone the Reverend’s wife is all ‘oh it would be inappropriate to copulate’ and all that shit.”

“Dudley’s wife seems to like you.” said Bob.

“Dude, she has the ass of a forty year old man with a beer belly. Besides it’s not my job to worry about sharks, right Bob?”

“Actually it is Jack.” clanked Bob

“What do ya mean?” asked Jack tensely.

“Well my friend,” said Johann with a slight clearing of his throat. “according to the CDC, the shark is carrying a communicable disease, a health hazard to the

the CDC, the shark is carrying a communicable disease, a health hazard to the public and must be destroyed. A job usually done by the Coast Guard, but because of the pandemic and such the CDC has left the job of killing the animal up to the senior most law enforcement officer on the island, which is you.”

“Oh, is that all. Shit Doc Cock you had me scared like I was gonna be in danger.” Jack said looking relieved.

“You’re not worried or upset?” asked Noobert.

“No, why?”

“Well Jack, the shark has killed at least three people in just over a week. You’re not the least bit...” Noobert said.

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“Scared of what, dying? Let it fuckin kill me, I’ll just respawn and try again.”

Jack said simply.

“Jack what do you mean?” asked Noobert slightly confused.

“If I die I’ll respawn and try again. You getting hard of hearing, fuzz ball?”

“Um...Jack this is real life...there’s no respawning.”

“Yeah, not for humans just us...um right?” Jack asked sounding unsure.

He looked at Noobert then Bob who only shrugged.

“Jack, this isn’t a video game this is real life. We don’t respawn here.” said Noobert.

“What?! Are fucking serious?!” Jack asked with a panic stricken face that was turning pale.

“Yes I’m serious. Why do you think Puckman had a funeral?” said Noobert.

“I thought it was some kind of tax dodge, aw shit. You mean that Tim dude with the ugly wife could have really killed me, I mean like permadeath killed?”

“Yes, Jack.”

“I can’t die yet, I’m too well endowed! That shark was like twenty Christing feet long how the fuck do you kill someone that big?”

“Well you may not be in extreme danger,” said Johann. “the analysis revealed that the animal is in the late stages of the virus. The predator is close to death already, and with no one swimming off the shores it will have no one to attack and starve since it will be too weak to swim back out into open waters.”

“Well there you go, Jack.” Noobert said.

“Well there you go, Jack.” Jack repeated in a shrill mimic.

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“What is it?” asked Noobert.

“You’re gonna let me go by myself.”

“The CDC said the Chief is in charge, right Bob.”

“Hey Bob did the CDC say anything about Noobert being a little bitch.”

“I am not...a b word.”

“Then come with me, you still have another couple of days until you need to get back to the gas station. This is your fault, what with your god damn morals and rule following, and safe sex practices. What would Kelly Anne say if she found out you left me to hunt a great killer on my own.

“ She might say you’re a little bitch, but if I die out there alone I guess she’ll never know and that’s what really important isn’t fur ball? Important she never knows you’re a little bitch, I won’t tell her cause I’ll be dead...because of a little bitch….I mean you by the way.”

“Yes I know, you do Jack. I’m going with you but because we’re friends and you’d do the same for me. Let’s get the trawler loaded.”

“The trawler!? Fuck that we’re taking the Mayor’s house boat, I saw how he was running, that mofo owes somebody money probably the IRS. We’re gonna get all the for free out of his floating castle before the government impounds it.”

“We should make sure it has supplies.” said Noobert.

“What supplies?”

“Like rods and bait and things like that.”

“It does Noob, it’s a friggin boat. Next you’ll have me driving to Walmart to buy an anchor.”

“I just want to check...”

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“We don’t have to check, Noobs. It’s a boat, obviously it’ll have what we need in there already.”

“Really?” Noobert said doubtfully.

“Yes, really.”

It was a fine house boat, measuring over one thousand square feet on a double decker with five bunks, a kitchen/ dining area and a lounge area and a below deck cabin. It was early afternoon when Jack and Noobert set sail on the luxury boat out into the water to hunt for the infected shark, leaving Bob to man the station though all of the tourists and a large number of locals had already left for the mainland. When they dropped anchor, the sky was a blueish violet and contrasted starkly with the green blue water.

“Well Jack, you better start a chum line.”

“You got coke?”

“What?”

“Oh I get it, it’s code word for sniffing Adderall.” Jack said with a sly wink.

“No, Jack a chum line. To bring in the shark.”

“I thought we were just gonna wait for it to die on its own?”

“There’s a chance it might get better Jack, or it could be months before it dies.

Go get the chum bucket so we can at least see how sick the shark is.”

“Hmm, chum bucket. Was that the white bucket filled with fish guts?”

“Yes.”

“I left it at the dock.”

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“Why?” asked Noobert.

“Well I thought it was garbage, and there were a bunch of alley cats behind the villa and they looked so cute begging for the fish so I fed to them.”

“Oh my God.” Noobert sighed.

“Now don’t worry I filmed it for a Tik Tok video and got like a hundred new

followers, so I was looking to see the mayor kept weed in the kitchen, you know to celebrate, and I found like ten cans of tuna, and none of the cans say dolphin free.”

“So?”

“So? Sharks eat dolphins like dogs eat cats. Don’t you know about the food chain?”

It was close to evening as they sat on the deck looking upon the ever darkening sky when they spotted the sea animal.

“Holy shnikes, Noobs there she is!” Jack said excitedly.

It’s pace was steady but not fast, it swam in circles around the house boat. It’s fin was a gray jag among the green waves. It kept at the same distance and speed sometimes disappearing for a few moments then reappearing.

“I have a feeling she’s ready to keel over.” Jack said excitedly watching the shark.

Three hours later the shark still circled the boat and was only a little closer but only because Noobert had lifted the anchor. Jack sat on the deck chair with his head on his hand while Noobert was stretched out sleeping on his deck chair.

“Stupid shark, drop dead!” Jack shouted at the animal.

Noobert woke to Jack chucking cans of tuna at the shark when it swam by the

stern a few feet away.

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“Jack why don’t you get some rest. We might be out here for a few days since we weren’t properly supplied.”

“So what do we do in the mean time?”

“Well the mayor had a pretty big collection of DVDs and a player down in the cabin.”

“Does he have Gladiator?”

“I think I saw it down there. Is it the one directed by the guy who started the Alien franchise?”

“You mean the guy who fucked up the franchise...ugh, never mind does have any slasher flicks? I love slashers flicks. What’s that one movie, of the guy with hook hand? You say his name four times in front of an open fridge and he farts in your mouth...Fartyman?”

“I think there are just a few Friday 13th movies.”

“Uh, those movies suck. Nothing but a mama’s boy slicing up some innocent large breasted co-eds.”

“Innocent? The counselors let Jason get picked on...”

“So. Why was his mom letting some slutty teenagers watch her mentally challenged oaf of a kid? That’s like leaving your baby in a car on a hot day to die then blaming it on the car, and people think I’m a fucking idiot. Damn it, now I’m too agitated to sit and watch something, I wish that shark would have stroke or something so we could get off this boat.”

“Well we could try casting out a line and try to catch it.”

“What about that spear gun the mayor has hanging over the master bunk?”

“It’s just a decoration.”

“Damn, I wish I had my JCWABMFG 99,000.”

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“What’s that?”

“Pfft, are you simple? The ‘Jesus Christ What A Big Mother Fucking Gun 99,000’ from my first video game adventure. I used it to take out Lieutenant Colonel Baron Von Bastardburger’s Waffen SS battle mech. Looks like were stuck fighting with just some can’s of Starkist tuna.”

“Jack the tuna’s a generic Pathmark brand.”

“Aw son of a bitch!” Jack shouted angrily.

“It’ll be OK.”

“It’ll be OK.”

“Hey maybe if we feed it all the tuna at once it’ll die of mercury poisoning.”

Jack said hopefully.

“Uh I’m not sure...”

“Yeah you’re right, forget it. Ya know the mayor was a Republican, those guys are always hiding guns to protect Jesus and white women. I’m gonna look around the cabin for some fire power.” Jack said heading below deck.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be playing with guns, Jack.”

“Playing with it, it’s not a cock, Noobs.” shouted Jack from below. “Besides imagine how hot it would make Kelly Anne to see you confidently hold something bigger and heavier than your dick?”

“Yeah right. Why do you keep making fun of me about her wanting to go out with me?”

“Making fun of you? Noob, when I mess with you it’s about how gay you look wearing types of clothes or when you say dumb shit.” Jack said from below deck. “But I’m not fucking with you when it comes to Kelly Anne, it would be too easy to do that. I guarantee she wants to go out with you...huh what’s this?”

Jack came back up holding what looked like a type of digital clock tied to a stick of gray putty. There were three double sets of numbers lit by red LED lights. All but the last two number where at zero, which was 45 though it was counting down to zero it seemed.

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“What is that Jack?” asked Noobert slowly.

“I think it’s one of those high concept clocks that some dick head on Etsy would over charge for, I mean come look at this thing. The time is wrong and all the wires are sticking out.”

Noobert came over and took the object from Jack to look closely at the gray stick of putty which had writing on its side.

“Charge demolition with taggant- Composition C-4...C-4?” Noobert said turning it over.

The LED light timer was on fifteen when Noobert realized what he was holding.

“It’s a bomb!” Noobert said tossing it up.

“A bomb?” Jack shouted as he hit it back up in the air trying to catch it.

Ten seconds.

“Yes a bomb!” cried Noobert as he accidentally hit it with his foot sending it up in the air once again.

Eight seconds.

“Jesus fucking baby Christ on his throne, where the shit did it come from?!” said

Jack when the bomb bounced off his head and into Noobert's hands.

Four seconds.

“What do I do?” asked Noobert.

“Throw it!”

With two seconds left Noobert tossed the C-4 into the water, the throw wasn’t very far however, as Jack and he both hit the deck a deafening roar shook all around them. The bomb ripped off the stern of the 75

boat sending pieces of it up in the geyser it created. Although the explosion didn’t hurt Jack or Noobert, the boat was destroyed and sinking quickly.

“Oh shit.” said Jack as the water began to rise.

It took only a minute for the boat to go under, Jack and Noobert floated among the debris of a few chunks of boat some random furniture and Alicia’s hundreds of back ordered five foot long hot pink double headed dildos she’d kept on the boat since her garage was full. The night was lit only by a full moon leaving just enough light to see the shark’s fin, it was moving slowly but directly for them.

“Jack, I just wanted to say I’m happy to die by your side.” Noobert said floating speaking calmly even.

“You would be happy just before dying you jack ass.” Jack said with a sigh as the shark got closer.

“That’s all you’re gonna say?”

“Pussy fart, there I said that.”

Noobert only looked at him, with a small frown.

“Uh, Noobert I’m sorry I kept calling you a bag of dicks. You’re a stand up guy and definitely not a bag of dicks, and if you weren’t about to be eaten by a shark you would have made an awesome boyfriend for Kelly Anne. Though I would have rock her world harder than you if I wanted to...but ya know bros before hoes and all that.”

“Thanks, Jack.” Noobert said as the shark was within ten yards.

“I hope this thing chokes on my dick.” Jack said shutting his eyes tight as the shark closed in on them.

“Oof.” cried Jack as the nose of the animal hit his body and stopped moving.

Very slowly Jack opened his eyes at the shark floating motionlessly in front of him. Jack used a hand and pushed the great white away by the nose.

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“What the shit?” said Jack as the animal rolled over and revealed it had been impaled by a piece of the boat from the explosion.

“I can’t believe it, Jack. We did it.”

“Just as I planned.” Jack said with a cock sure grin.

“Where did that bomb come from?”

“Who care’s, we lived and made that shark our bitch! Let’s head home and celebrate with some titties and beer.”

“But how will we get back to the island?”

“Can we get in on those?”

“That’ll be embarrassing. Hey what day is it?” asked Noobert.

“It’s the fourth.”

“So we didn’t miss it, oh boy.”

“Settle down Tiny Tim, it’s America’s birthday not Christmas. Use some of that energy to swim faster, I plan on selling this story to the highest bidder.”

“No one will believe this story, it’s moronic and doesn’t make any sense.”

“Hey if I get them to actually listen until the end they’ll believe whatever I tell

them...if they pay me for the privilege of course. Like only fans but less sexual...or perhaps more sexual?” Jack said ponderously.

Using the double sided dildos like pool noodles Jack and Noobert were able to swim to shore safely. That morning they had reunited with Bob at the police station.

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“The state police picked up the mayor on the main land and confessed.” clanked Bob.

“I’m not sorry to hear that but what was going on?” asked Noobert.

“Well apparently the mayor as well as Dudley Kravits and Reverend Voight owed money to the mob to help pay to build the villas. The detective in charge told me the state police had been surveilling them for a while now.”

“Well that explains the bomb.” said Noobert.

“Aw shit with all these state cops and detectives that means court dates and statements to police at seven in the morning in an office filled with the smell of doughnut farts and stale coffee. This vacation sucked.”

“Did it really suck that bad Jack?” asked Noobert humorously.

“Nah, not totally. I got to smash lots of ladies, hung out with my boys’ and even got in a little fishing. Early mornings aside I’d do this again.”

“Me too.” said Noobert.

“Me too.” said Noobert.

“I concur with both of you!” clanked Bob.

They laughed as Noobert’s cell which sat on the desk began to vibrate. He picked it up and saw there was a text from Kelly Anne. He quickly walked away to read the text which said: ‘I’m transferring to the Time Kill station on Oregon avenue, I’m getting an extra dollar fifty an hour to run the place.’

Noobert felt his heart sink a little. He’d miss starting second shift with her, taking turns buying each other a Red Bull since they were always two for one, talking about how rude a certain customer was or how they’d mop the floor together before closing and he’d always manage to make her laugh the whole time. He felt genuinely sad she’d be leaving but he was happy for her so he texted back: ‘Congrats on your raise you worked hard for it, sucks you are leaving though. Guess it can’t always be good news.’ he wrote and followed it up with a smiling face emoji.

It was just a few seconds before a text came back that said simply: ‘You didn’t even hear the best part she followed it up with a winking emoji.’ Before Noobert could write back his phone began to ring. It

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was Kelly Anne, his heart jumped as he checked his breath then realized she couldn’t smell his breath over the phone and just answered.

“Hey Kelly Anne, what’s up?” Noobert said in a high voice.

“Hey, Noobert. I’m sorry I just called you like this.”

“Oh that’s fine. I’m glad to hear from you, I kind missed ya.” Noobert said

hoping it didn’t sound too desperate.

“Really?” she asked sounding surprised. “I was talking to the District Manager, about certain policies at work.”

“Oh,” Noobert said feeling a little foolish, believing she was calling about work.

“So tell me the best part about your transfer.” he said trying to sound cool like Jack said.

“I can date another employee as long as I don’t work in the same store as them.”

“Oh,” said Noobert sounding more upbeat. “that is the best part.”

“So, if somebody at my old store asked me out...I’d be able to say yes...do you get what I mean?”

“Oh, yes...yes please...I mean of course yes...I wanted to ask you, I mean would you like to go out with me sometime, on date to where ever?”

“I’d like that Noobert.”

“OK, awesome. When I get home we can talk out the details and decide what to do.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

When Noobert hung up he was immediately sprayed with a bottle of Windex by Jack.

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“What are you doing?” cried Noobert though he was laughing.

“I was listening to your phone call and didn’t have any champagne to shower you with. I’m just glad to see the power of pussy compels you to man up for once. Now didn’t I tell you she was hungry for it or what?”

“Yes well I plan on taking things nice and slow rushing things can only go bad. I want to still be friends with her if it doesn’t work out between us.”

“There you go acting like a bag of dicks again, has our vacation taught you nothing, Noobs? Well it’ll be a long drive and I’ll have to regale you guys on my tales on how to be a man.”