1. “I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
S2 Woody Allen (But you knew that)
2. “For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.”
S25 Douglas Adams
3. “We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.”
S11 Douglas Adams
4. “I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
S3 Woody Allen
5. “I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”
S4 Woody Allen
6. “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”
S5 Groucho Marx
7. “Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
S1 Douglas Adams
8. “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
S6 Groucho Marx
9. “Those are my principles, and if you don't like them, well, I have others.”
S7 Groucho Marx
10. “America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.”
S8 Oscar Wilde
11. “Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.”
S25 Oscar Wilde
12. “The fundamental cause of trouble in the world is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.”
S24 Bertrand Russell
13. “You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.”
S23 Ayn Rand
14. “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”
S22 Albert Einstein
15. “Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.”
S9 Oscar Wilde
16. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
S21 Sir Winston Churchill
17. “Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.”
S20 Henry Ford
18. “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
S19 Napoleon Bonaparte
19. “Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”
S10 Oscar Wilde
20. “If you are going through hell, keep going.”
S18 Winston Churchill
21. “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”
S17 Mahatma Gandhi
22. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.”
S16 Socrates
23. “Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.”
S15 Winston Churchill
24. “Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter.”
S11 Oscar Wilde
25. “Why don't you write books people can read?”
S14 Nora Joyce
26. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
S13 Edmund Burke
27. “We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
S12 Decca Recording Co.
28. “Write drunk, edit sober.”
S11 Ernest Hemingway
29. “A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.”
S10 Robert Frost
30. “Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
S12 Oscar Wilde
31. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
S9 Agatha Christie
32. “A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
S8 Groucho Marx
33. “A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.”
S7 George Bernard Shaw
34. “My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.”
S6. Emo Philips
35. “It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue.”
S5 Stephen Fry
36. “I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.”
S4 Stephen Hawking
37. “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.”
S3 Carl Sagan
38. “I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
S13 Oscar Wilde
39. “Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.”
S2 James Joyce
40. “I would rather have a cup of tea than sex.”
S1 Boy George
41. “Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.”
S2 Samuel Goldwyn
42. “Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.”
S3 Brendan Behan
43. “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.”
S4 Brendan Behan
44. “Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
S5 George Burns
45. “All the time he's boxing, he's thinking. All the time he was thinking, I was hitting him.”
S6 Jack Dempsey
46. “I am the Love that dare not speak its name.”
S7 Lord Alfred Douglas
47. “I can resist everything except temptation.”
S14 Oscar Wilde
48. “Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war.”
S8 Albert Einstein
49. “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”
S9 Ralph Waldo Emerson
50. “If anyone is crazy enough to want to kill a president of the United States, he can do it. All he must be prepared to do is give his life for the president's.”
S10 John F. Kennedy
51. “If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilised.”
S15 Oscar Wilde
52. “The greatest nations have all acted like gangsters and the smallest like prostitutes.”
S11 Stanley Kubrick
53. “Capitalism is the legitimate racket of the ruling class.”
S12 Al Capone
54. “I believe it is peace in our time.”
S13 Neville Chamberlain
55. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
S14 Thomas A. Edison
56. “Write whatever you like!”
S15 Seamus Heaney
57. “Fear of death increases in exact proportion to increase in wealth.”
S16 Ernest Hemingway
58. “It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their experiments on journalists and politicians.”
S17 Henrik Ibsen
59. “Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.”
S18 David Icke
60. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
S16 Oscar Wilde
61. “Even when opportunity knocks, a man still has to get up off his arse and open the door.”
S19 Anonymous
62. “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.”
S20 Ralph Waldo Emerson
63. “The fox has many tricks. The hedgehog has but one. But that is the best of all.”
S21 Ralph Waldo Emerson
64. “Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewellry.”
S22 John Lennon
65. “If voting changed anything, they'd abolish it.”
S23 Ken Livingstone via Emma Goldman
66. “I drink because I'm thirsty.”
S24 Shane MacGowan
67. “The man who can dominate a London dinner table can dominate the world.”
S17 Oscar Wilde
68. “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
S25 Steve Martin
69. “I am not a Marxist.”
S24 Karl Marx
70. “The oppressed are allowed once every few years to decide which particular representatives of the oppressing class are to represent and repress them.”
S23 Karl Marx
71. “The worker of the world has nothing to lose, but their chains, workers of the world unite.”
S22 Karl Marx
72. “Borrowing a page from U.S. foreign policy, I decided to send a message to a government that was becoming increasingly hostile.”
S21 Timothy McVeigh
73. “The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.”
S18 Oscar Wilde
74. “I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
S20 Paul Merton
75. “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”
S19 Michelangelo
76. “I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
S18 Spike Milligan
77. “I told people I was a drummer before I even had a set, I was a mental drummer.”
S17 Keith Moon
78. “The best car safety device is a rearview mirror with a cop in it.”
S18 Dudley Moore
79. “White people scare the crap out of me.”
S16 Michael Moore
80. “From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an iron curtain has descended across the continent.”
S15 Winston Churchill
81. “I may be drunk, miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
S14 Winston Churchill
82. “Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.”
S12 Winston Churchill
83. “There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.”
S19 Oscar Wilde
84. “The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.”
S11 Winston Churchill
85. “All that's necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing.”
S10 Edmund Burke
86. “But the age of chivalry is gone. That of sophisters, economists, and calculators has succeeded; and the glory of Europe is extinguished forever.”
S9 Edmund Burke
87. “In a democracy, the majority of the citizens is capable of exercising the most cruel oppressions upon the minority.”
S8 Edmund Burke
88. “There is nothing politically right that is morally wrong.”
S7 Daniel O'Connell
89. “There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written.”
S20 Oscar Wilde
90. “When did I realise I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realised I was talking to myself.”
S6 Peter O'Toole
91. “My life has been one long descent into respectability.”
S10 Mandy Rice-Davies
92. “Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.”
S14 Margaret Thatcher
93. “To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”
S18 Ralph Waldo Emerson
94. “I wish people would love everybody else the way they love me. It would be a better world.”
S12 Muhammad Ali
95. “The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions.”
S10 Oliver Wendell Holmes
96. “There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else.”
S21 Oscar Wilde
97. “Marx spots the ex.”
S1 Groucho Marx
98. “It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.”
S13 Winston Churchill
99. “That's all folks!”
S5 Mel Blanc
© Mark Fleming 2012