THE PREMATURE STAGE OF COMMUNICATION
This started as a general feeling that something had changed in people and was conveyed with glances and facial expressions at its premature stage. You could feel it, something had changed in the communication between people. I thought it was the drugs. However, it seemed to be something much greater. It was a gradually increasing of communication from brain to brain. Nevertheless, because I was absorbed by my problems, I couldn't participate. I faced it with apathy as I faced anything else that came up in my life in that period of time. While I was hanging out with my friends, I started to hear words in my mind coming from them accompanied by the image of each person talking. When I went to a live show, I could hear people responding to what I was thinking. I often had the impression that all our conversations had a faint tendency to question what had happened to people and everybody seemed to wonder what impact this change had. Even though nobody knew what it was, it seemed as if a new magical world with tremendous prospects was developing in our minds. However, nobody really spoke about this because there was an undercurrent feeling that
it was all in our minds. This coincided with my last trip to America to see my relatives.
Stressed because of the fact that I wouldn't be smoking pot for a week, I set off in August 2009 with my mother and brother to visit America. On the way to the airport, I heard words from acquaintances on and off in my mind. However, I was used to not paying attention. I tried to convince myself to feel enthusiastic about the trip, but in vain. Depression had overcome me again. On entering the airport, I felt an intense panic attack, because it was overcrowded with people. The worst thing was that apart from the strange looks I got from people, I also had the odd comments of those people in my mind; such as, “oh, what a junkie” or “that guy has some problem.” As time elapsed, my panic attack and the comments in my head got worse. As the flight was delayed, we were forced to wait in the waiting room with other passengers. As I was waiting, one of the passengers was staring at me. After a while, I thought I could see what he was thinking. I saw him murmuring, “Oh, my wife. What have I done to her?” and, at the same time, he was trying to hold back his tears so that the other passengers wouldn't notice him. At some point, I felt that he understood that I saw what he was thinking as he looked at me like I had realized his secret. I panicked. I didn't know how to react. He continued to look at me in a threatening way. A few minutes later, I saw him look around to make sure nobody was looking and, then, something unusual happened. Through his mind, he had transferred the burden he felt for the murder of his wife to me. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of dysphoria and regret as well as thoughts like “what have I done?” and “How will I continue living now?” It was like other people's thoughts were in my mind; that is, although these thoughts were in my mind, I didn't feel like they were mine. The guy sighed with relief and changed seats....
After a ten-hour trip, during which I slept, we arrived at New York and then after two hours approximately we arrived at Tampa Bay, Florida. My uncle was waiting for us at the airport from where he took us to go to the house which we had rented for our vacation The house was spacious (as we were three families and our grandmother) and it had a swimming pool. The first two days I felt OK. Relaxation, swimming in the pool . . . . However, on the third day, the usual symptoms started. Severe depression and confused thought which resulted in my being withdrawn sometimes. Nevertheless, throughout my stay in Florida, I had only two cases of optical illusions.
One night, as I was drinking my beer, Letos, who was my band's guitarist and my best friend, appeared as an image in my head. “Where the hell are you?” he says. “What the fuck!” I answered. We started to talk.
-What's it like in America?
-Good, man, peace, pool, beer . . . How's it going there?
-Awesome. We hang out every day.
-How is that we are talking, man? Do you have any idea?
-It happened suddenly. I don't know. It's awesome. Check it out . . .
-What do you mean?
-Do you remember the last song we found?
-Yes.
-Did you ever wonder why it was so fucking good? Hahahaha
-Tell me.
-Check this out . . .
At this point, he shows me a magic spell which he had in his mind. It was in the form of a thought and it had various pagan symbols and when you saw it, it gave you a weird feeling. Something between an attraction to the unworldly and the feeling of creativity. I was stunned.
-Where the hell did you find it?
-Eh. . . It's usually kept as a secret. From a shaman, magician, something like that, he whispered. You have to be careful, though. You have to know how to use it because it is dangerous...little by little.
After discussing a little bit more and after promising him that I wouldn't tell anybody, I drank my beer and went to sleep.
On one of the following days, I went shopping with my uncle. We found a skateshop in a shopping mall and I ran in. As soon as I got in, a beautiful, blonde girl came to help me. “Do you need any help?” she asked me.
“Yes, I'm looking for shirts,” I answered. After I tried on some shirts, I thought of striking up a conversation with her, since she was very pretty. Coming out of the dressing room, I showed her a longboard and asked her how much it cost. After she answered me, she appeared in my mind as an image and said to me: “Poser.” I tried not to seem anxious and I answered through my mind with an image of myself skating to show her that I am not a poser. As I was going to pay, she was looking at me and I saw her murmuring under her breath “Fuck. You really suck.” And I answered her through my thought, “And you got fucked by all those skaters.” She seemed embarrassed. I laughed discreetly and left. The rest of the days in Tampa were difficult. Nevertheless, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of optimism because of the new data concerning communication between people. The time had come to return to Athens.
On reaching Athens and as my trip was good, I felt happy. When it was time to collect my luggage, suddenly two of my friends, Isidoros and Sakis appeared in my head. Both musicians. There was always friction between us as they played guitar faster than I did and they knew more theory. With a contemptuous attitude, they started to tell me about the magic they had found and that it was the best and that it wasn't dangerous. At the same time, they implied that magic is useless if you don't know theory. Their magic seemed lame in comparison with Letos's. They started asking about my magic and formalities like ‘how's your band going.’ As I didn't want to tell them that I didn't have any magic, I said, “hold on a minute...somebody's talking to me” and I went straight to Leto for magic . . .to rub it in. “Dude, dude, tell me how to find that stupid magician. It's urgent. . .” I said.
-You asshole, I'm sleeping, he answered.
-I don't give a fuck. Wake up!
-I'll come by in a couple of hours. See ya.
-Dude, Isidoros and Sakis have come and they are talking shit about our band and they are saying that our band sucks.
-What? Those assholes? Tell them that theory is for pussies.
-Come on tell me how to find that magician.
-The guy's name is Spiritius.
-Spiritius? Hahahahahahaha. What a stupid name . . .
-Hahahahaha, yes indeed. He is the only one with that name so you won't have a hard time finding him.
-Yes, obviously he's the only one with that name.
-Just be careful because he's a bit of an asshole.
-OK see you dude.
Spiritius!? How was I going to find that asshole? As I said it something like a search engine appeared in my head and I immediately said the name Spiritius. The result of the search was a guy dressed as a shaman with a long beard and badly-made dreadlocks whispering some ritual hymn. Here we are I thought.
-Hello magician Spiritius!
-I feel a presence. A universal aura.
-Huh?!
-Who's calling me?
I thought that it was a good idea not to give my real name so as to avoid getting in trouble.
-My name is John.
-That is not your real name.
-Oh no, he got me, I thought . . .
-Your real name according to your universal aura is . . . Balzar!
-Hahahahaha what an idiot I thought.
-What brings you here?
He stayed quiet for three minutes.
-So?!
Three seconds later I felt a very intense strength running through me. My thoughts ran quickly and in a smart way and I felt slightly. . . possessed.
-Nice, thanks.
-Balzaaaaaaaaaar!
-Yes?
-The only thing you should know is that if you use it with greed, it will turn against you and, in case of an argument, it will turn against your enemy.
-We are not going to argue. . . .I'm just going to rub it in their faces! Hahahahahaha I thought and returned.
-Hey, sorry that I left, but I was talking with Letos about the last details of our new song, I said after I came back.
-New piece, huh! Show us. . . .
-Sorry, I can't show you all of it because it is still in the process of being made. I can show you, though, some guitar parts. Half a minute. . . I activated the spell and I thought of a very simple idea on the song. Some pagan symbols appeared, my thoughts started to throb, I felt an unworldly strength and suddenly a clever riff appeared in my mind. I showed them. . . With obvious jealousy, they asked me.
-Very good. Did you use some magic?
-Yes, but very little because I depend on my creativity and not some spell or . . . theory. Dickheads, I thought and immediately felt a slight tendency to quarrel. Then I thought of playing with them a little...
-How about you showing me some of the stuff you have found...Pussies, I thought. Then they showed me a very good and technical solo. The tendency to quarrel increased in my mind because of the spell, however, I felt it was difficult to stop.
-It sucks, I answered, influenced by the magic. This magic had the characteristic of making you want to fight. As my answer seemed strange and irritating, they said to me.
-Chris. Watch how you talk. Don't insult us. This solo is objectively flawless.
-Hahahahahah, I laughed satanically. Sorry… Let's see what I can do with this mediocre riff.
-Fuck you, answered one of them and immediately seemed to be in pain. The quarrel had started and the spell turned against him.
-Man, what was that pain? he said to his friend. It fucking hurt...
-Sorry, dudes, check this out. I took his riff and I put it through my activated magic. The outcome was a big and clever musical phrase which had notes from their musical phrase, which made theirs seem like a simplified version of mine.
-Hahahahahaha! Eat shit! I said obviously influenced by the magic. Then I showed them two riffs one after the other and all three of us hurt. They due to the quarrel and I because I used it “greedily”...
-Dude, it hurts, Isidoros said to Sakis.
-You are such a bad guitarist that it hurts, I answered and he immediately seemed to be in pain.
-You're doing it! With your shitty magic! You're fucked. I also have magic which will hurt you.
-Bullshit...At this point he started sending me small electric shocks through his mind, which however increasingly turned against him thanks to the quarrel while I didn't feel any pain.
-Please stop! It hurts. he told me. At that point, reality returned ….Suddenly the influence of the spell passed and I broke into a cold sweat when I realized what had happened. “Stop giving me shocks! It activates with contradiction. Sorry. I got carried away... ” I said to one of them. “You got carried away? Fuck you. It hurt.” he told me. As the spell was almost over, I felt like saying something nasty, like: “that hurt, pussy” and so on, but I restrained myself so it wouldn't start again. I then felt that it was still dangerous and I just left, after apologizing again, to avoid any further quarrel. At this point, I had to find the magician again to deactivate the spell...
While I was still in an ecstasy and I couldn't control my thoughts, I found it difficult to find the magician again. I was trying to remember his name, but in vain. At some point, I remembered it, but the search engine didn't appear. I came to the conclusion that in some way I had to make the search engine appear. I tried to think of the search machine, it appeared and I entered the name, but the results of every search were blocked. After many fruitless attempts, I thought of a search engine that searched search engines and to my great surprise such a machine appeared in my head. I put a search engine in that machine, but there was no result. Then I put in that machine the name Spiritius and I finally got a result! The search engine of finding people was blocked as far as finding people was concerned and the search engine which found search engines was blocked... as far as finding search engines was concerned. That is, the results which had to do with the purpose of each search machine was blocked and you had to input a search that had no connection with the purpose of the search engine.
So I found Spiritius. He was feeding a goat.
-Hello magician Spiritius, I said.
-Who's calling me?
-I felt like cursing him, but in a strange way, my mind blocked and musical ideas came to me which resulted in my being in pain.
-It's Chris...eh it's John.
-I don't know anyone by the name of John.
-I felt like cursing him again, but my mind blocked again and I couldn't control the incoming musical phrases that brought pain inside my mind. The magician smiled ironically as if he knew something. That idiot had an anti-spell that converted contradiction into musical ideas, so that the magic that he gave me wouldn't turn against him, but against me because of its overuse!
-It's Balzar...I want to deactivate the magic that you gave me, I said to him.
-Balzar...This magic doesn't go away. You keep it inside you like a charm and you live with it.
-Are you kidding me, you assh... I said and he immediately blocked the contradiction with his anti-spell and smiled.
-I can only give magic, not remove magic.
After a wave of desperation overwhelmed me, I knew I had to do something. I couldn't live the rest of my life under that shitty magic. The first thing that popped into my mind was also a good idea.
-Give me the anti-magic that you have with the purpose of turning it to myself and to convert contradiction to musical ideas, so that at least I wouldn't harm the others when I thought something negative about them.
-You mean the anti-spell?
-Yes, I answered.
-He gives it to me and I leave.
Now I had to think of something negative about somebody to see what would happen. So, I turn the spell to myself and I think something mean about my parents. My thought blocked and musical ideas came into my mind. I had to think of something clever. One solution was perhaps to give direction to the musical ideas so that they negated themselves...So, I think something mean about a friend of mine, while at the same time I gave direction to the creativity in a specific musical idea. I kept repeating the same thing over and over again and as the ideas that could come for a specific musical phrase were limited, I exhausted them and the spell deactivated. With a lot of pain, of course, due to overuse...
Returning to Athens, I felt depression and exhaustion as a result of the intensity of everything I had lived through during the trip. The new data concerning the inner communication had confused me and I felt I wasn't ready to face it. In that period of time, people were slowly trying to get used to the new situation, although there was a general feeling that something big would follow. Something that would change people's lives.
One of those nights, I went to a nearby bar to drink a beer. The feeling that I had been left behind had at this point overwhelmed me. As the time passed, more friends came, but I found it difficult to socialize. I gave one-word answers to questions and I didn't participate at all in the discussions. I had completely withdrawn in myself. The conversation was lively as everyone was a little drunk. I continued to withdraw. At some point, someone asked me something, but I was unable to answer because I had lost the flow of the conversation. One of the guys felt sorry for me and gave me something which I didn't expect. Through his mind he gave me a way to look at things. This generally could happen; that is, for someone to give you a package of opinions or reactions inner communication-wise always. What he gave me was a personal philosophy of life based on hardcore ethics and streetwise perception. In the beginning I was glad because I could see the world through a different perspective. However, this “package” worked independently; that is, you couldn't think something in addition to it or add something to its philosophy. You had to use it in an absolute way, if you wanted to follow it. After I had socialized a little more because of it, I said goodbye, left and went home. This “perception package” was interesting, but I didn't want it to be the only way I looked at things. I decided to use it, understand it and then deactivate it so that I could think about it later on without following it.
So, I activated it and I saw the following things. First of all, I felt pride. Pride is a basic characteristic of the hardcore culture and it was something that I liked even though I was a scumbag punk. Until then, I thought it was a defense, but through what that guy gave me I realized that it came from a more general set of reactions which made up the character of the hardcore kid; such as respect towards the people you choose, honesty towards yourself and, to some extent, the style you have and represent. Another thing I felt with the “package” was the rise and fall logic; that is, the rise and fall of ourselves are interconnected concepts and one always follows the other. Right. Then I saw a philosophy based on supporting those who had fallen, which was proved true since the guy gave me the “package” to help me. I appreciated that. Lastly, I saw a set of predetermined reactions, such as various greetings and expressions which take place between the hardcorers. This is a way to create a structure which through its repetition a global culture is supported. There are similar reactions in the hip hop and skate culture, since the birth of hardcore was interconnected with those two cultures. Coming out of what he gave me, I decided to keep some of the characteristics of hardcore, but not to follow them strictly. Only the feeling that I understood what it is all about and that I agree with a part of it.
The days that followed were difficult. The “package” hadn't helped me at all and gradually I felt that an attraction for a social exposure was in the air. This feeling was increasing more and more inside everyone, until there was … a massive explosion. One day in September of 2009, something extraordinary happened. Suddenly, while most people were unaware or avoided the existence of inner communication, there was a big “bang” and it was, then, impossible to hide from the new data of human nature. It was a wave of exposure for everybody, since the fact that everyone could see what you were thinking, it uncovered you. What happened more specifically was that your thoughts would direct you to specific individuals or groups of people without your being able to control it. For some it was cathartic, since they appeared in front of people with whom they had lost contact, hadn't seen in years or didn't have the strength to talk to again. For others it was a simpler matter, since they found themselves with friends or relatives, though enthusiastic as they could communicate brain to brain. However, there was a group of people who would suffer from this revolution of thought links. One of these people was me...
Since, due to my psychological problems, my thought traveled to people and situations I feared or I hated, this massive ...explosion which had come could have only negative consequences for me. Before the big “bang” occurred, I was going through a phase of ruminating, bringing to mind people who had annoyed me recently. More specifically, there were some guys who liked the chicks we hung out with and they often degraded me, while the chicks seemed to like them just because they thought they were cool. While everything was going on with the thought links, I was sitting and contemplating them. So, I suddenly find myself unexpectedly in front of those people. One of the chicks was making out with one of them while the others were playing poker. On seeing me, they started looking at me in a strange way and inner communicating mind to mind with each other, so that I couldn't hear what they were saying. The chick looked at me supposedly interested and said to me, “Where have you been? We haven't seen you for a while. How's your brother? Your family?” At that point, they all burst out laughing, even she. She immediately got serious like nothing happened and with an obvious lack of interest, she said, “Tell us.” Disgusted with the situation, I answered dryly, “good.” It was at this point that she had to start discussing to seem social, even though she didn't want to.
-We got together here with Alexandros, she said awkwardly. He hugged her in a way that supposedly he cared for her and then he looked at me with a look that she's mine now and you are a loser.
-Eh what brings you here? continued the chick.
-He was thinking about us, said one of the crowd. They all laughed.
-What a great soul, said another asshole ironically.
-Go fuck yourself, I thought and they immediately glared at me. Since there were two kinds of inner thought: public inner and personal inner and as I was not familiar enough with them to distinguish between them, my personal thought was heard out loud. I felt awkward, but, on the other hand I liked the fact that it was heard because I stood up against those assholes, even if it was by mistake, something which I would have a hard time doing in reality.
-Sorry, it slipped, I said.
They were looking at each other a little surprised because they weren't used to me being that way.
-Way to go, Chris, one of them said. My self-confidence was boosted unexpectedly and I laughed spontaneously and loud.
-I don't think it's a laughing matter, said the chick, wanting to put me in my place, which was what she was used to from me. We're all friends, she continued.
-Don't listen to him, baby, he's weird, her boyfriend said.
-Yes, we treat him good and he curses us, the chick said faintly.
Her boyfriend looked at her supposedly sympathetically and he kissed her discreetly. A moment of silence followed. “Let's give him a second chance,” the chick whispered right after.
-Why don't you go fuck yourselves instead, I said, surprising myself again. The chick's boyfriend got up and looked at me in a threatening way.
-Get out of here now, he said.
-No. I'd rather stay and play a round of poker with you, I said and laughed out loud.
-What is he talking about?! the chick said.
-Nothing. We're hanging out with the guys, I answered ironically.
-Don't talk to her, the guy said.
-Yes, indeed, she will try to get me to hang out with you.
-Get lost you fucking asshole.
-I didn't expect this from you, Chris, said the chick.
-I'd beat the shit outta all of you, but I don't want to ruin this nice gathering, I said. At that point, they all got up to beat me up.
-Leave him, said the chick supposedly politely even though she wanted me to get beat up.
-Don't protect them I said and I started to run because I was going to get beaten up. They chased me a little bit, but I managed to get away. Since then and for a long time I didn't see them again. However, the thought links that directed you to people hadn't stopped...
So, I was trying not to think about people and situations that would lead me to people that I didn't want. In vain...The next ones I would find myself in front of were some sons of some acquaintances of my father's. I didn't hang out with these guys and, even though I liked them, I would feel awkward to appear in front of them. So I found myself in front of them without wanting to. I was embarrassed to say hi as I just appeared in front of them.
-Hi, they said.
-Hi, how are you? I answered. Sorry that I appeared so suddenly, but I can't control what's happening...
They felt a little awkward, but they said, “it doesn't matter.”
-What are you doing these days? they asked.
-Nothing special, I answered. Mainly music...
-Have you heard anything about magic spells, as they too were involved in music. What had happened to my guitarist friends and the hassle of getting rid of that asshole's spell immediately came to mind. I had a bad trip because I had smoked pot before.
-Eh...no, I haven't heard anything. Basically, I got involved with a spell and some guys, but I managed to get away, I said, obviously high, confusing what I wanted to say.
-Eh?!
-Nothing.
-Eh?!
At that point, I started to laugh nervously because 3-4 unconnected thoughts came to mind.
-Sorry, I said, crying from laughter.
-Have you been involved in spells?! Way to go man! We searched, but we didn't find...eh...can you tell us where we can find, said one of them hesitantly.
-No, I said abruptly and laughed. At that point, they also laughed.
-Why? Why are you such an asshole? Hahahaha.
-I know, but it's not a good idea to get involved. I went through hell...I said, after laughing. At that point, I told them the story with the magician and the guitarists. They seemed frightened.
-It's not safe, I added.
-Can you find him and bring them to us, since you know him, that is.
What they said seemed rude to me and I thought about cutting them short.
-You can also find guns in here, would you like a AK-47?
-Hahahaha . .he laughed awkwardly. No, I'm ok with the magic, he said, and blushed slightly.
-No, I'm ok with the magic, I repeated what he said ironically. At that point, he looked at me apathetically.You want magic? Search. Find the search engine inside your head and find from there, I added.
-What search engine? Can you show me?
-Go fuck yourself, I said and left.
Those days, after the big conscience explosion, the direction towards the people you were thinking about stopped. There was a feeling, though, that something procedural was going to happen in that communication system and it would happen soon...
During that period of time, almost in a magical way, I had stopped thinking about situations and people that were unpleasant for me. The fact that I realized that my thought could lead me to find myself in front of specific people was also the reason why I thought about people with whom I didn't want to come into contact with. I functioned self-destructively. Like part of my brain had revolted against me. I somehow managed to block negative thoughts, something like a sick truce with myself, even though the catatonia I had was at that point aggravated. That and my obvious depression, worried my parents which resulted in my parents making an appointment with a homeopath, who supposedly was a specialist in counseling.
So, I set off one morning with my mother to go to that homeopath, somewhere in Holargos. That day my prohibition to see my friends and to drive would start, due to my condition. While getting into the car, my mother's first words were “I can't let you drive in this condition...” I sat in the passenger's seat and we set off. On the way, listening to music, specifically the twas hell said former child album from belvedere, I was thinking how much belvedere had influenced me musically and how much I wanted to meet them. Un-willingly, I found myself in front of their vocalist / guitarist. He seemed annoyed that I had found him and so I was too ashamed to speak. I realized that whoever had fans would have a hard time with the new data since, at any moment, you could find yourself in front of anybody. The music changed in the car and I almost found myself in front of somebody from another band. However, I cut it off abruptly and it didn't happen...
When we arrived at the homeopath's, we had to wait for about 20 minutes because we were early. We chose to wait in the car. Twenty minutes later, we went to the second floor and the doctor opened the door. She was a 45 year old woman with curly hair and had a strange look of peace on her face. “Come in,” she said, “You will have to wait a little...” On entering, we sat in the waiting area. The decoration of the room was of Budhist style, while relaxed Zen music played from a hi-tech hi-fi. After waiting a short time, she reappeared and with exaggerated calmness asked us if we would like some tea. At that point, I felt like laughing, since the whole scene reminded me of a Buddhist ritual. “No, thank you,” I answered and laughed shyly trying to hide my ironic disposition. She looked at me searchingly, having understood that I wanted to make fun of her and hiding her awkwardness, she asked me, “Would you like coffee instead? I have coffee, too.”
-No, thank you, I had some.
-But if you do want some, I have some.
-No, thank you.
Then we entered her office. Behind her chair, there was a painting of a horse with a noose around its neck. I thought it strange because the painting was too depressing for a counselor's office. As I was looking at the painting for a minute, I didn't notice that she was looking at me, waiting to begin the session. “I'm sorry,” I said, and went on to tell her my problem, mentioning my catatonia, depression and pot. . . not my experiences with inner communication. Her answ