CHAPTER 23
(Celadon shuts down my Goody cart yet once again!)
I know that attorneys seem to know more about me than I know about myself but they seem to be deftly skilled at hiding behind the curtains while "The Big Show" is in progress. I swear these attorney people are like little elves that have everyone's personal info kept within a keystroke on their laptops. They lie about the clout they have with the judges and often throw away good cases solely because the attorneys "themselves" get a bad taste in their mouth. 99% of the time it's not that they "CAN'T" help you it's mostly because they don't "WAN'T" to help you. But what really sucks? They don't return the consultation fees if they decide not to assist you.
Somehow I fell into some luck and Celadon was considering me for rehire. They seemed to be the only trucking company going back only 7 years for criminal history so I was relieved knowing I could go in there without having to fear exposure of anymore winky connoisseurs inquiring about the ding dong story concerning Dr.S.O.B. It was old news despite the Schneider recruiter ladies wanting to discuss it like it happened yesterday. I'll never forget what some old lady told me over the phone and just how she said it after discovering the ding dong mail bomb story.
She said it with austerity. “Oh No!” She said matter-of-factly, "You're gonna be stuck telling that story over and over the rest of your life. There's no getting around that one."
It was hard to fathom that if I jumped around like most OTR guys from employer to employer the whole country could potentially catch wind of the lil smoky jokes that google had left for me. I closed my Facebook account in 2009 which helped a little but that could only help to an extent. I really had to figure out a way to hide my past without doling over thousands to google to put their lil indelible four inch swords away (their pens). My uncle had assured me that bombs and penises were a horrific combination that didn't belong together and would get me red flagged quickly.
I said goodbye to Atlantic City New Jersey and pocketed my $450.00 winnings for the weeks I was out there. Celadon was taking a shining to my driving record and purchased me the official 19 hour Greyhound bus ticket to Indy. It felt like Deja vu all over again. My cellphone was chirping. I recognized the NJ number. It was an SSI attorney.
I answered the phone. "Hello."
"Yes this is the attorney's office we spoke about a week ago. We have your paperwork ready for you to sign."
I reddened in the face. The attorneys love to play these reindeer games. I know they are giggling from behind the curtains watching the little blue dot (me) return to work. They pulled this same stunt right as I hopped on a bus to PTL after Celadon had terminated me months prior.
"Mam, I uh...appreciate the help but just found a job."
"Oh okay. I can close your file then good luck with your new job."
I was pissed. They play these games EVERY time. Last time it was a fellow and had all the confidence in the world that he could get the "juice on" for me and that golden nugget could plop once a month into my piggly wiggly bank. I was slowly starting to realize that my CDL was a curse. The trucking industry was always starving for drivers. I was beginning to realize that as long as I had my CDL the government would see to it personally that I NEVER get a nut check. I knew what was happening. The attorneys were getting their rocks off by dangling imaginary carrots in front of my face that looked like baby carrots compared to the big long and strong carrot the trucking companies were dangling as well that they stole from Frosty the Snow man! Not one but BOTH calls from the SSI attorneys always came while on a greyhound to another job.
They were playing me alright. All those gaps were adding up and I was not relishing being forced to live like a part time "grab yourself by the bootstraps republican". All I could do was hope that Mindy was still there so she could see if I was still able to fit my big massive brain into one of their stupid trucker hats. I always had to put that thing on the last setting. Mindy knew I had a big brain. I even knew that Rob probably ratted me out for having a Pinky and the Brain screen saver on my phone.
I could still remember Mindy's words from 2014. "Oh, I see he's skirting the system very well."
It was third week in January so the bus driver couldn't fry us like a Fire Hall Bar-B-Q. I'll bet he wanted to but I was mostly intrigued by the over qualified military dude riding along with us. Surely a man with a piggy bank like he's got wouldn't be traveling on no stinky greyhound. Something definitely seemed out of kilter. That's because it was! I was already learning that there was no financial limits to Trump's profiling system. I couldn't even sleep in my car an hour or two at the park without it causing the peek-a-boos to stir and purposely take their dogs for an early walk. It was just downright ridiculous at times. I'll never forget the review I left for Sunshine Landry Mat because they didn't like the amount of time I was spending in their unisex bathroom.
By the time we reached Columbus OH it appeared that our military friend had managed to nearly shut down the entire city of Columbus. Or at least all the Subway sand which shops that surrounded it anyways. I clearly remember that glorious Sunday afternoon being forced to walk a near mile away from the bus station and fork over almost $20.00 for a salad during an hour layover. There was a low flying helicopter with a big red, white, and blue flag painted all over it that circled my stomping grounds over and over again. How could a city like Columbus OH suddenly appear shutdown? Three Subway sand which shops not open on a Sunday afternoon? Really?
Weird.
I don't know why they do it but if it's one thing I know about the trucking industry is they simply love breaking you in. Each and every one of the OTR trucking companies is military friendly and the occupation occasionally draws in retired cops. Usually when that happens the Truckers News is reputable for giving them a head start with some sections of appreciation for their service to society. I'll never have to worry about making the trucker news until I finally reach that million mile marker which I should already be at but the phalanx of snoopy witches prepping me for marriage have me on a pace that I'll hit that million marker when they say so. And with the way things are going by the time I reach it I'll be so senile I won't even realize I passed it. Ha ha.
So that Night of January 28th Celadon was sure to "break me in." I of course was tired after being up 19 hours straight but they were sure to have me sit at their welcoming window until midnight well knowing that orientation would start early the next morning. I had no intentions of cracking little funnies in orientation like I did at my CR England orientation just before I ran away from my first load assignment and flew to Vegas to watch the Mayweather fight. They knew what it was but it was still the funniest thing I ever did to a trucking company and that one star CR England company rightfully deserved it. That phone conversation with them kind of went like this.
"Hey Blake this is CR England. Just wanted to see if you picked up that truck yet. I got a load for you already in New Jersey."
As I sat by the pool at the Wild Wild West in Las Vegas I couldn't help but giggle. Were these people really that dumb? Did CR England really think I hopped on that Uber to go pickup that tractor? Even after they previously assigned me a new tractor and then purposely gave it away to someone else leaving me with a dilapidated piece of junk with missing mirrors and shit hanging from the ceiling?
I had giggled. "I'm not in Hershey PA. I'm in Hershey alright but just not the one in PA. I'm standing out in front of the big Hershey bar inside of the New York New York casino in Las Vegas."
The dude from CR England was in shock. "You're what? How did you end up in Vegas? You're supposed to be in Hershey PA picking up that truck."
I giggled. This was another high per diem never retire company meant for student drivers forced in by their parole officers.
Everybody knows that CR England stands for "See Our Every New Graduate Leaves After Ninety Days."
"Well I'm sorry it didn't work out. I just couldn't really see myself working for somebody that can't even provide me with breakfast but insist I fill out tons of paper work until noon on an empty stomach."
But the funny part was the guy didn't even give up. "So you gonna pick up the truck?"
I had chuckled yet again. I had no intentions of missing the Mayweather fight. These people could stalk me all they want to. I was curious however by the complete stranger walking the streets behind me one day stating "You gonna have to put up two grand to get yo money back."
Was my $666 Mcgregor wager somehow public knowledge? How were these Billy big rigging companies able to shadow me nationwide?
After a very unnecessary LONG wait Celadon checked me in so I could get a shower, brush my teeth, and be ready for tomorrow's orientation. Of the thousand other trucking companies out there Celadon will always be too rated for amicable orientations with all necessary amenities. The meals are complimentary and better than most restaurants and everybody gets their own room. They even house you in a posh hotel if they get overcrowded or just plain dub you a weirdo needing separated from the others.
I didn't bother turning the tv on in my room as my intentions were to shower and quickly go to bed. I shave at night to fool my employer that I'm a highly motivated person that wakes up bright eyed and bushy tailed capable of completing ablutions prior to breakfast which is hardly anything close to the truth. I've even been tempted at times to sleep in tomorrow's outfit so I could get out of doing that as well. I liked morning routine.
Eat before I do anything.
I tucked myself into one of their cockroach-free beds that still smelled like upscale snuggle and giggled myself to sleep. That song was still stuck in my head as I knew my trainer Mel from 2014 would probably find my return to Sell-A-Con quite funny.
"She'll be coming around the mountains when she comes."