

FORTY FOUR
Her phone beeped.A new message enteredher phone's inbox. Where are you? Kartik
Should I let him know, she wondered. It can wait, I've better things to do, she thought. It flashed across her mind, then that instead of feeling bad about breaking up with Kartik, she should be happy that she followed her heart. The same heart that once told her that Kartik was the man for her. Suddenly her heart was trying to talk to her.
“Be strong. Take the chance to be happy. Follow me,” she heard her heart. “Don't expect anything from others. Have faith in me.”
“I am scared of you,” she heard herself whispering back. “You confuse me.”
“I don't. In your anxiety you overlook what I say. I chose to be quiet when I see you are not bothered. That's when you get confused. I know the road to love. Dump all your fear and just sing with me.”
All our lives we keep living in expectation of achieving something out of it. She thought. As a child we live for our mother's affection. We imitateour parents till we grow up to start feeling that we are perhaps the smarter lot. We make love couple of times and then get tired of it. We learn to hide things even from closed ones so that we are not in weak positions in front of them. We are scared of others taking advantage of our weaknesses.
She remembered a colleague of hers she had met in Mumbai who had discussed her apprehensions with her in one of the impulsive moments. She told her that she came from an extremely influential family and was working just for herself. She wanted to get out of the house so that she could expand her horizons and not stay depressed all the time. Her husband was an exporter. She had married him out of love. She was an airhostess and had met him on one of his flights to Thailand. She was looking lovely that day and had exchanged her number with this man. Once in Thailand he had invited her to have drinks with him. He was really handsome and she was tempted to spend some time with him. She knew he would have to be either rich or influential to travel in business class. After drinks he invited her to his room. She knew it was a signal and she had a boyfriend back home, but she accepted. Once inside the room they instantly hit off and soon after the trip he started sending her expensive gifts and met her often. He finally proposed to her. It was going very good for the first six months after which he slowly started drifting away. She could not understand the reason of the drift. She tried to cajole him and make him stay, but it was getting over. She figured out that he had developed a new love interest and made a lot of fuss about it. However, she did not want to be an abandoned wife and so after being warned by him she gave in. She tried to find out ways and means to find happiness and one of them was to come and work for the company where Maya was also working. They often used to discuss about love. A thing which was once source of her happiness had now become painful for her. All she would now do is keep red beans under her pillow and sleep as per a ritual from Chinese tradition. Red beans as per Chinese tradition are love beans. They are supposed to attract love in life.
“What are you thinking about?” asked Vikram.
“Nothing,” she replied.
“You must be thinking about how complicated life can get with love?”
Vikram could always read her mind, she thought to herself.
“Isn't love meant to be simple?” she asked
“It is simple. It is the rules and pressures of society that complicate it.” Another message in her phone's inbox.
What the hell is wrong with you? We need to talk. I'm worried – Kartik Vikram looked away. He smiled at her.
“You must be tired,” he said. “Why you don't lie down for some time, he said, turning to go out and leave her alone.”
For some time after she lay on the bed and went to sleep, he looked at her with longing. Someone caressedher forehead as she drifted deeper into sleep. It felt peaceful.
The next morning she got up feeling better. She realised she was in Vikram's house. She looked around. The house looked different in the morning. The shadows on the wall were no more to be seen. Sunlight seeped in from the window. The shades of the bed sheet had changed with the effect of light. She got up and walked to the kitchen. Vikram was making coffee.
He looked so handsome. No one could be so handsome and yet so aloof.
He smiled at her. “Good morning. Here, have some coffee.”
“I think I'll go meet my parents today,” she said.
“What will you tell them?”
“I don't know!”
“Hmmm.”
“What should I?”
“Well, tell them whatever comes to your mind!” he smiled.
“I don't know what to say?”
“Try the truth. For everyone, it's easier.”
She saw three new messages on her phone. Kartik was trying to get in touch. He'd even called when she was sleeping. She decided to speak with him. She stepped out of the kitchen and picked up her phone.
“Where have you been the whole fucking night? I was about to call your parents?” he said.
“What for?”
“I wanted to ask them if they knew about your whereabouts.”
“Why do you want to find me?”
“It's not something that can be said over the phone! I need to see you!”
“What's there to see me for, Kartik?”
“So you've decided that you are leaving?”
“I'm not sure!”
“You are never sure. You are not sure of your love for me. You are not sure if you want to leave me. Do you know how much trouble you being unsure causes?” He complained, bitterly.
He was so right, this time, she thought. How can we be sure of life? We are a miniscule part of such a big universe. We don't even know the simple answers to questions like who am I? Where does the sun come from? What happens to us when we die? Why are we herefor? How was she expected to take absolutely flawless decisions and be sure about them?
“What do you want me to do?” she asked him.
'I want you to decide. Once and for all! Do you want to come and live with me or not?”
“I don't know. Besides you have someone else staying with you.”
“Relax, Maya. You too had someone else comforting you when you were in Mumbai! Anyway, I don't even know if you have gone back to Mumbai or not. In any case, decide and let me know soon.” He disconnected.
She came back and sat on the rug. She started to sip her coffee silently.
“I dreamt a weird dream today,” she said in a soft voice. “I dreamt that I was dancing on a stage and in the first moment people were worshipping me and in the other moment they were throwing stones at me. I saw myself performing a dance of the goddess and next moment I was the witch.”
“Hmm!” his expression softened. “All of us have the good and bad within us Maya. That is why we are responsible for our actions. God and devil both reside within us in the form of goodness or evil that we exude in this world. Nothing in this world is only good or bad. Everything is grey. The difference lies in the perspective and situations.” She felt numb. She wondered what was heavier, the burden of past or the uncertainty of future.
She had a shower and got dressed.
“Are you leaving now?” Vikram asked. “Where are you off to?
She was incredibly pretty.
“I'm going to my parents place. I'll stay there for a day or two and then probably go back to Mumbai!”
“Why don't you stay here?”
“I have to be sure,” she said. She kissed him and stepped out of the house.