THIRTY EIGHT
Maya woke up in Raghu's bed the next morning. It had been a horrible night, every way. In the turmoil, she had even forgotten to have her dinner.
“Hey honey, you are up!” Raghu said, lovingly and as if nothing had happened last night. He handed her a cup of coffee he had just made.
She took it, trying to smile. He went into the kitchen to make some egg sandwiches.
He was crazy, she concluded. One minute he treated her like a queen, another minute he called her a bitch. How many times could she be called a bitch merely to be treated like a queen?
It didn't seem a new day to her at all. She felt sorry for herself. She brushed her teeth. The warm water on her body relieved the muscles temporarily. She stepped out and stood next to the window. It was a concrete jungle. Every flat would have its own story. The same sun would shine differently on every home. There was so much happening parallel in the universe. People would be either sleeping or carrying out their mundane tasks. Few would be pretending to be very busy. Few would be looking forward to meet their loved ones. Few would just be dreading a new day. She was one of them. A small molecule in the universe and yet trying to feel all that important.
She wondered how we create fuss over various things in life. Perhaps our biggest concern and issue has no significance in the larger universe we belong to.
She remembered a girl who used to come and clean her house. A slim , average looking girl. She was eager to learn, dance, study and make a mark for herself. Yet she didn't have money. She didn't have the opportunity. She didn't want to marry because she felt that women in her class were beaten and bruised by husbands. She wanted to find love of her life. She was no better than that uneducated girl. Wasn't she taking abuse?
“What are you doing, sweetheart? The breakfast will get cold and tasteless,” Raghu said, coming from behind and planting a kiss on the nape of her neck. The kiss sent little shivers through her spine. She loved the way he smelled. She sighed and turned around. He caught her lips the moment they were face to face. It was a few moments before he stopped and looked into her eyes with that intense stare. “I'm sorry. I am really sorry for last night.”
She didn't know what to say. She loved him, but it was not the same in her mind. She was sure this was not the love she was looking for. He was an intelligent man, but it was a mistake to give him so much, so soon, as he didn't deserve it. He was unconsciously involved in a typical power struggle where men and women want to control each other.
“My chotu, are you angry with me?” he asked, tickling her.
“Stop it, Raghu!”
“I won't till you forgive me.”
Suddenly the love that had been rottenfor a while, was returning, it seemed, but it was hidden behind a kernel of doubt. And doubt kills.
Doubt is the seed that germinates either wisdom or foolishness in your mind. Every thought originates from it. There had to be a doubt in the mind of Pythagoras towards the old theory of the earth being spherical, in order for him to believe that it was round. Doubt can never co-exist with faith. At the moment Maya's faith was replaced by doubt.
“Maya, please say something. I'm really sorry, baby. My little baby.” Raghu carried her to the bed.
He made her sit on the bed and served her breakfast. He fed her out of his hand. She was eating as he started speaking about a book he was reading on Bermuda Triangle. The Bermuda Triangle is an area with its points being at Miami, Florida, the island of Bermuda, San Juan and Puerto Rico. These points are covered with the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. In this area, over the course of time, many different aircraft and boats have mysteriously disappeared without a trace. People just wonder, like they wonder about the larger miracle, life.
There are different theories about it. Some people believe it is a UFO infested region while others say it is caused by methane hydrate bubbles. There is lot of methane there and these can cause ships to sink. Or maybe it was an electromagnetic fog. Even Columbus was supposed to have had magnetic and compass problems when he crossed the sea here. There are some places on the globe where magnetic north and magnetic south come together to create all kinds of problems, she had read.
'Do you believe in the paranormal?” Raghu asked.
“Yes I do. There are angels and ghosts and demons. Although they only attack people who are weak and negative.”
“Hmmm…”
“They attack people who think they are very smart and try to interfere with the plans of God. See, God made us to enjoy and live life.He didn't want us to waste time on finding answers to stupid questions.”
“But who gave us the urge to find out,” she countered.
“He gave us urge to help ourselves, not to solve the mysteries of life and to go mad about them. There is no point creating unnecessary confusion.”
“Nature itself is confused sometimes. Why would there be places like the Bermuda Triangle or for that matter the North Pole and South Pole coming together, tell me?”
“This is what I don't like about you. You don't understand. My point is not that you should not make scientific discoveries, but you should be balanced. Discuss it by all means, but don't take it seriously.”
She sighed. There was no way she could win over him in argument. She'd read somewhere that a man who truly loves will let his girl win the argument rather than losing her. Raghu was not that man.
Once she finished her breakfast they decided to watch a movie together. Maya was feeling better.
His head was resting on her lap. He didn't get up when the movie ended, they lay together cuddling each other. His hands slowly caressed her body and she responded to his touch. They made intense love before falling asleep. She woke up to his nose rubbing her back. Later that evening she told him to drop her back home.
“Come on. Stay back my child, you'll get scared again. You should stay back,” he told her as they got into the car.
“Yesterday you were trying to keep me away. Today you don't want me to go. Do you realise how strange that is? I have to fight it out, Raghu. I can't keep getting scared all my life.”
He dropped her home with thoughts of her meeting someone else filling his mind again. Often, he tried not to think like that. He believed she would not cheat on him, but he lacked the ability to trust. He was unsure of everything after his first girlfriend dumped him for someone else. Since then, he had problems building relationships. A short temper did not help either. He had been into many frivolous relationships till Maya came along. He fell in love with her at once. He worried about her all time.
After he dropped her, Raghu did not go away immediately. He parked the car some distance away from where he could watch her door.
He also had a difficult childhood with his father walking out on his mother. At times he had discussed how he felt about his abusive father with Maya. She, in turn, wondered why marriages are made to look perfect in our country. It's a crumbling institution and the rising divorce rates were proof that people were dying to break the shackles of marriage.
She knew couples who would have been better off single, but continued to stay together, clawing at each other.They pretend that they are sacrificing it for the children.
Sometime later a taxi came into her apartment building and stopped. As the passenger got out he indicated to the driver that he'd be back in a few minutes. As he closed the car door he looked up towards Maya's flat. Raghu, his suspicions did not allow his eyes to move away.
The guy walked up to Maya's flat and rang the bell.
“Adi, how come you're here?”
“Well…I'm leaving for Delhi. I had to pass this way, so I thought you'd like to give me a farewell kiss,” he said, mischievous as ever.
“Oh, shut up, Adi!” she said, as he took a seat and a cigarette.
“Is everything alright?” he inquired.
“Yes, Adi. So far so good.”
Before he could reply, the doorbell rang. Who it could be now, she wondered. She looked through the keyhole to see Raghu standing outside. But he should have left about an hour ago, she thought, opening the door.
“Who's it? Aditya asked.
“T era baap saale matherchod.”
Aditya threw down his cigarette on the floor, crushed it with his shoe and stood up. He wasn't the kind to look for brawls, but not the kind either to flinch from one.
“Stop, Raghu. Behave yourself!” she tried to pacify him.
“Is this the guy for whom you wanted to make me a chutiya and come back,” he roared.
“Who's this ass, Maya?” Aditya asked, sensing something was sorely amiss.
“Tera baap bola na. Dost hai tu iska? ” he shouted at Aditya. The guys were practically into each other's faces.
“Raghu, he's the owner of this flat,” she said.
“It doesn't matter,” Raghu said. “Is this the time that house owners check on tenants?”
“Listen mister, whoever you are. We were college mates. Anyway, what's wrong with you?” Aditya asked, angrily.
“You don't speak saale, you keep quiet. Owner hai to kabhi bhi aayega fuck karne ko.”
“She is my friend and this is my house. Who are you?”
“Tell him who am I, bitch.”
“Adi, this is my boyfriend, Raghu.”
There was silence in the room for a few seconds. .
Aditya looked at Maya as if he felt sorry for her. “Maya, I'm sorry if my coming here has caused you trouble. As I said, I was passing this way. We'll catch up when I'm in Mumbai next. See you, Maya,” he said, ignoring Raghu, and got up to go.
“Oh no! You don't go, it's I who have to. You sleep with this bitch,” Raghu told Aditya, pointing his finger at Maya.
“Maya, if it was not you, but someone else…” Aditya left the sentence incomplete, and shaking his head, he headed towards the door to leave. Raghu was in no mood to listen. He was spoiling for a fight.
“What would you have done otherwise, you chakka? ” he shouted at Aditya. Aditya ignored him, though with difficulty.
“Show me na? What would you have done? Or you want to show it to her only. Saale gaad doonga zameen mein, ” Raghu snarled at Aditya's back. Aditya turned and gave him a hard stare. Then, he left, closing the door behind him.
Maya looked at Raghu with a numb painful disgust. She was breathing heavy.
“What is it that you want?”
“You don't know?”
“You have no right to speak like that to Aditya? she said , angrily. “I didn't know he was coming to see me. He was leaving for the airport and he stopped as this place was on the way. Do you know that this is his house and he's allowed me to live here and that too for free?”
“Free, really,” Raghu was sarcastic. Maya looked away.
“I've asked you to stay with me so many times. Why do you have to take this obligation?” Raghu asked.
“That's not the point, Raghu. You just don't get it!”
“I know you would say something like that, you greedy whore,” he said.
“You have a problem with everything, Raghu. You want to know where I am all the time, where I work, who I talk to and then you spy upon me. I'm sick and tired of you,” she said.
“I can't let you go so easily for using me,” he said menacingly.
“Using you? Using you, Raghu?. What did I use you for?”
“For God sake I even went ahead and paid your bills when you were out of money. What have you done for me?” she was fuming with anger and disgust.
“I knew it. It's all about money you whore. I will pay it back with interest.”
“Yeah, I am a whore. I will do what I want and for now I don't want to see you ever again.”
He almost came upon her to hit her again. She lost her balance as she stepped behind and fell on the side of a chair hurting her.
“Just leave me alone. You can't scare me.” She almost spat the words.
“I am not scaring you. Watch out. Wait till I tell your husband about this. I'll tell your father too. I'll ruin you, you bitch,” he said, banging the door hard behind him as he left, muttering. Maya's heart not only broke. It blew into pieces. Blackmail.
She had never imagined she would have to face it. She locked the door and went towards her basin. She washed her cut and sat there for a while.
For a moment she wanted to end her life. It felt so lonely and useless. However she would not give up like her mother. She would not hurt her father just because she lost strength to handle a crisis in her life. She would not lose the game. She would not get scared. Nothing and nothing can scare her spirit.