THIRTY SIX
Maya was again restless. It was dark outside, but sleep was faraway. As a child she was scared of the dark and would hold her father's hand tightly until he switched on the light. Her fear of the dark extended to become a fear of the night itself. She couldn't bear to tell this to anyone, for fear that she would be laughed at. But the fear was there. Only her mother knew about it and would always hold her hand in the dark. Till she could.
Maya always tried to win it over. Nyctophobia, the fear of the night itself. She dreaded those empty nights that stared right in the face. There were times when she used to ask Kartik to accompany her from one room to another as she was scared of crossing a dark room. He laughed and obliged her. She wished he was there today. She was getting nervous. She felt panic gripping her. Loneliness mixed with anxiety was turning out to be dangerous.
She wanted someone to be there. Anyone. In the dark everything was taking a peculiar shape. She felt eyes staring at her. Her breath and heart beat was getting faster. She wanted to get up to put on the light, but her body would not listen. She felt as if someone was standing behind her. But she could find the courage to turn around and look.
In desperation she started chanting the Gayatri mantra her father had taught her. He had told her that if ever she got scared, she should chant it and the fear would go away. But it was not happening today. Though it was lying a few feet away from her, it was with great difficulty that she managed to pick up her phone. She dialed Kartik. No answer.
She dialled Raghu.
“What's it?” He was curt.
“I'm very scared, Raghu.”
“Call your friend, your college friend. Don't bother me.” He disconnected.
Tears rolled down her cheek. She was mortally scared and the silence heightened her fears. She dialled Aditya.
“Hi, what's it, babe?” He sounded half asleep.
She wondered what to say to him. She did not want to say that she was scared to death.
“Maya, you there?” he asked.
“Oh Adi, it got connected by mistake.”
“Ah huh, good night, sweetie.”
That someone in the room would kill her now. She was sure of that. She could feel the hair on her neck, stand upright. She felt the goosebumps and heard herself breathing. He was coming. She wondered if she should call Vikram at this hour.
Helplessly, she dialed Raghu again.
“Please. Please talk to me. I'm very scared.”
“What happened?”
“There is someone in my house.”
“What? Who? Are you Okay?” He sounded genuinely concerned.
“I don't know. All I know is that I am scared.”
“Relax, Maya. Go to sleep now. We will talk later when you are not busy with friends.”
“Raghu please, can't you come over?”
“I am sleepy. Please sleep now. You should have called me earlier.”
“I'm coming over!”
“I don't want sluts in my house. I won't open the door,” he said.
She had to move. There was no way out. With Raghu on the phone as a moral support she jumped like the lightning from her bed and put on the light.
Everything changed. There was no one. She realised the phone was already disconnected.
We are scared of the unknown, she thought. The fear of unknown is the worst fear of humankind. We fear death because we do not know what happens after it. Some of us fear the dead because we can't see them. We are not sure whether they can see us.
The cemetery for example, is home to the spirits, but we are scared to go there. Some of us are afraid of heights, others of flying, still others of insects. We don't know what scares us. Yet this unknown controls our lives.
Men and women are busy planning their lives, saving their money for the fear of unknown. Most of them are scared to follow their dreams because they don't know where the path would lead. The unknown destroys so much in us that we could have invested in what we know about ourselves.
Nothing was distracting her mind from feeling miserable. She grabbed her purse and went down. She found a taxi, one of the best things about being in Mumbai on a late night.
“Why did you come to me?” Raghu demanded as soon as he opened the door.
“I was so scared, Raghu!” she replied meekly.
“Don't act like a poor little baby in front of me. You are smart enough to go out with other boys.”
“Come on, Raghu. Stop it now.”
“Stop what. You should have called that boy of yours to sleep with you or that bugger who left you halfway in your married life,” he said to spite her. Maya felt helpless and weak. She silently went and sat on his bed.
“Are you inviting me?” he smirked
'”Raghu, stop it!” she screamed.
“Stop screaming, you rand. You were the one who was not taking my calls and now in the middle of the night you've come to ruin my sleep as well,” he said angrily.
“Will you hit me, Raghu?” She was taken aback with her own idiocy. “Hit me! I want to see how strong a man you are?” What was happening to her?
A sharp pain surged through her abdomen as she realised that Raghu had kicked her. She hadn't seen it coming. Instinctively, she stepped back and slapped him, out of sheer reflex. He slapped her back once and then again. She tasted blood from a corner of her mouth. She cried with pain and hurt. Her body begged her to leave Raghu's house, but her mind wanted her to stay, even if she was beaten and abused. 'You still want more of it,” he smirked.
She decided to leave before her self-respect gets mutilated further.
She walked out without looking at him again. By the time she reached the ground floor, the watchman of the building had got up from his cot under the staircase and looked at her, puzzled. She realised she looked shabby. She felt battered, but her mind still told her to stay. She was scared of those inner voices making her weak. She was scared of the loneliness that would bite her from inside. It will nibble her ribs making her writhe in pain. She was split into two as always. Raghu ran down and caught hold of her by the wrist.
“Don't make a scene here now,” he said pulling her back. The guard kept staring at Maya's embarrassment.
She followed him like a lifeless log of wood. Even dog would have done better, she thought to herself.
“Why don't you let me go when I decide to?” she asked him as she entered the house with him again.
“I love you, Maya.”
The words meant nothing to her now.
Raghu held her close to him. He made her sit beside him and rested her head on his lap.
“I'm sorry, Maya.”
She felt no emotion. She couldn't care less.
“I'm really sorry, Maya.” he repeated. “You know how much I love you. When you did not pick up your phone I was worried. You always think only about yourself, Maya. That's very selfish. You don't think of what I go through when I can't reach you. All kinds of thoughts come to my mind. What if something happened to you?”
“Come on, Raghu. What would have happened to me?”
“Anything, my love. You know how times are.” She sighed.
“It justifies your hitting me?”
“I didn't hit you hard.”
What a defence!
“I am bleeding,” she whimpered.
“It's just a small cut. Come, I'll kiss it and heal it, he said, a semblance of a smile returning to his face. His lack of guilt sickened her.
“Why do you make me so angry?” he continued. “You should understand what I expect out of my woman. I feel you just don't love me. You bring the best out of me, but you also bring the worst in me.” He pulled her closer and hugged her. She was exhausted. She felt foolish. He wasn't trying to be with her, but was trying to control her. In spite of the fact she felt humiliated she let him hug her. She was so drained that a hug from a stranger would have done equally good at that time.
She wondered what kind of a man he is. In a moment he showered love and in another moment he acted as if he was possessed. Somehow love becomes a control game for people. They can't find their own happiness and they intend to control someone else. Husbands want to control their wives by depriving them of financial freedom and putting unnecessary restrictions. Wives want to control husbands by keeping a track on their movement and whereabouts.
Raghu's violence was on the increase. This was not the first time Maya witnessed physical abuse. He had even tried to stab her with a cigarette bud in anger. Hitting another person was another way of showing dominance. Parents hit children, or grownups hit other grownups because the ones at the receiving end are noticeably more vulnerable.
Like her stepmother, Raghu too was trying to control her, the way a leash is used to control a dog, justifying it by saying that it was for her own sake! There was no reason she should encourage this mental and physical abuse.
It took all kinds to make the world, she thought. She was not the kind that could be controlled.