Backbone Power The Science of Saying No by Dr. Anne Brown - HTML preview

CHAPTER ONE

As anxious as you are to begin learning How to Say No, and as

anxious as I am for you to begin to see and feel the results, let’s first

see what’s at stake.

If people-pleasing amounted to nothing more than a series of

misguided choices, we could simply add, “Correct them” to our To-

Do list. But that’s not the case.

The consequences of people-pleasing are severe, and cost us in the

domains of health, personal life, finance, relationships, career, and

dignity, much like any serious illness. [7]

If you learned you had cancer, you would drop everything to seek

treatment. While people-pleasing doesn’t carry the same stigma as

the C-word, it does come with serious consequences of its own, and

requires immediate attention.

So what is this phenomenon of people-pleasing? In essence, it’s the

need to avoid conflict and make everyone in the world like us. It’s

an irrational goal that comes with all kinds of serious risks to our

emotional and physical well-being.

Emotional Health Risks

Instead of engaging in healthy and relaxing conversation, people-

pleasers put themselves through an emotionally exhausting process.

Take the following conversation:

Landlord: “You’re the worst tenant I’ve ever had. You make too

much noise. I can hear you upstairs. I can hear you in the

bathroom. I can hear you on the phone. The lights are always on. I

can see them through the crack under the door. You’re always

washing your clothes.

You’re costing me a fortune.”

Tenant: ....

Why can’t the tenant respond right away? Because for years, he’s

suppressed his own ideas. The longer we play the role of people-

pleaser, the less likely it is that we know how we feel about anything

anymore.

Instead, we revert to behavior we acquired as children, when we did

our best to keep dysfunction at bay: parents yelling, hitting,

drinking, bullying, intimidating, and/or disappearing.

Before we respond to someone like the landlord, people- pleasers

process a series of thoughts:

• What can I say to ensure that I’l be liked?

• What’s troubling the other person? (This is otherwise known as mind

reading.)

• How do I phrase my response so as to avoid any confrontation?

Then and only then, after having completed this exhausting mental

exercise, with what profound and poignant words do we respond?

Tenant: Yes, you’re right.

What’s even more disappointing is that, in all likelihood, we actually

believe it. After all, everyone in our family always told us how

horrible we were. Maybe it’s true.

Client: Maybe my landlord is right. Everyone in my family told me

I was thoughtless, noisy, clumsy, insensitive, and a burden, so it

must be true. I’ve been trying to live quietly in her house, but I

guess I’m just incapable.

Therapist: No. Actually, when you pay rent to someone, you have

the right to create yourself in that space. You are not horrible! This

is simply a toxic environment for you.

It took some time for this client to believe he was not the bad

person here. Eventually, he moved out to create his own space with

a gracious landlord.

If we’re insecure and bullied by toxic people, the tendency is to

blame ourselves. But how do we tell a toxic environment from a

non-toxic one?

Setting Standards

It has to do with setting standards for ourselves and how we’ll be

treated. First, we have to be able to recognize when we lack such

standards.

Those moments are often epiphanies, highly charged and emotional

because they’re simultaneously happy and sad. They are the very

sorts of memories that when I open my office door each morning, I

recall with delight.

I see myself sitting across from a client. He is on a couch; I’m in my

chair. There’s a coffee table between us, a bowl of chocolates,

water, cough drops, certificates hanging on brick walls painted

white.

Client: I see what you’re saying. I’ve never had standards for the

way people can treat me.

In addition to recognizing that many of us don’t have standards, if

we’re in an environment where standards we set are not honored,

it’s toxic.

What the domain is doesn’t matter: love, health, finances,

community service, parents, children. Nor does it matter who the

other person involved is. Standards are standards.

For example, many of us accept ill-mannered treatment from a

doctor or lawyer because of the status we give that person’s job.

In fact, there’s a TV commercial dealing with this point: A couple is

sitting across from each other at a restaurant, menus in hand. A

waiter approaches to take their order:

Waiter: So, do you have any questions? Woman: What is the soup

of the day? Waiter: We have a mulligatawny soup. Woman: Do

you have any specials?

Waiter: We have a steak special today. Woman: Oh, how is that

cooked? Waiter: It’s pan-seared and then . .

Woman (interrupting the waiter): Does that come with a side

dish? Is it grilled? Can I have it steamed? What do you recommend?

What kind of pie do you have? Are you an actor? Aren’t you from

Ohio?

The woman won’t let up. She’s in an environment where she’s

comfortable, and it shows. She’s comfortable asking questions.

Then the scene switches to the same woman alone with her doctor

in his office, sitting on his examination table. The doctor has just

finished telling her the diagnosis.

Doctor: Any questions?

Woman: ....

She’s about to ask a question but instead shakes her head, then

waves the doctor away. Clearly, she’s out of her comfort zone. The

narrator takes over.

Narrator: Ask questions. Questions are the answer.

The ad is sponsored by the federal Agency for Healthcare Research

and Quality and the U.S. Department of Health and Human

Services. Its point, of course, is that we shouldn’t feel intimidated,

nor should we feel as if we’re being difficult. In short, it’s OK to

question.

Of course, the higher our standards, the more likely it is that we’ll

find ourselves in conflict with others. Likewise, the lower our

standards, the less likely there’ll be conflict.

Yet the need to avoid conflict is the most common thread among

people-pleasers. You can see the conundrum. If we lower our

standards and try to please everyone, we raise the likelihood that

there will be consequences:

• Lackofself-confidence • Judgmentalism • Anxiety • Lackofself-knowledge

• Physical danger • Depression • LackofSelf-Confidence

People-pleasing elevates others to a place of power and fuels their

self-confidence. In turn, where does that leave us?

We revert to our childhood, when we hid our needs and desires

from maladaptive parents unwilling to acknowledge us as anything

more than a burden, people who seemed hell-bent on

compromising whatever beauties and abilities we may have been

blessed with. Our self-confidence wilts [8].

Client: Every time I told my parents what was important to me,

they’d say no. I wanted to play soccer. They made me do debate. I

wanted to be in 4-H. They made me do track. Eventually, I stopped

asking.

In many cases, parents like these weren’t just controlling but hurtful

as well.

Client: I’m terrified to make requests. All it does is give the other

person information to hurt you with.

Therapist: No matter what damage was done to us as children, we

must give ourselves permission to share our needs, desires, and

opinions. What we need to do is pick people to be in our lives who

will honor those needs, desires, and opinions [9].

Client: I’ve buried my needs with mental cartwheels so I could

convince myself I didn’t have any. It’s scary as a child to know your

needs won’t be met. It’s even scarier to have someone hurt you

with the information you gave them because you thought they

would take care of you. Now, I’m at the point where I feel like I’ve

risen above having any needs. I can take anything anyone can dish

out, and I never ask myself how I feel about what is happening.

By adulthood, people-pleasers often become arrogant about how

accommodating and “nice” they are, compared with other people

who are more “difficult.”

Judgmentalism

People-pleasing fuels our judgmental side. In fact, there is a direct

relationship between the degree to which we people-please and the

judgments we make about others.

In our desire to avoid conflict, it’s easier, of course, to pass

judgment than it is to confront a person or situation directly. But

that’s not the way of the warrior. Imagine if the Sioux had had hair

salons, therapists, and telephones:

Client: I hate what my hairdresser did. Look at it. I don’t know

what to do. The color is horrible. I look like a trollop. Actually, I do

know what to do. I told everyone what a horrible job she did, and

to never use her.

Therapist: What about calling the hairdresser? Hi, this is Wind in

Her Hair, and, well, you colored my hair the other day, and I’ve

tried living with it, but I’m just not happy with the results. I was

wondering if we could discuss ways to make it look more like what

I had in mind, something less trollopy.

Hairdresser: Yes, come in this afternoon, and let’s talk about how

to fix it.

When we go to the source of our upset, we speak authentically and

honestly. Of course, in real life, your hairdresser may very well tell

you, “Too bad,” in which case you simply don’t go back.

You are not an awful person because you registered your upset.

Remember, you can only make the request. You cannot control its

outcome. But you’ve got to make that request. Otherwise, you’ll just

build up resentment, and that, in turn, will lead to being overly

judgmental.

Client: I just found out my new boyfriend can’t come up with his

share of the rent. I swear, this is the story of my life. Everyone I’ve

talked to says we’re moving too fast and he’s just using me. I just

think about him and I get that gnawing feeling of resentment.

Therapist: Who do you need to have this conversation with, other

than “everyone”?

Client: I need to talk to my boyfriend. But what if he can’t? What if

he won’t? What if he gets upset with me?

Therapist: Who’s upset now?

Client: Me.

Therapist: So why is it standard operating procedure for you to be

upset with the people you see taking advantage of you and yet

you’re terrified to upset them?

Client: It’s like a double standard. I’ll take whatever someone

dishes out, but I can’t handle the idea of upsetting that certain

someone. What is that about?

Therapist: At the risk of sounding like a therapist, I’m going to

speculate that:

. 1) Confrontationwasscaryforyouasachild.

. 2) You’re accustomed to getting the short end of the stick.

. 3) The victim role is one you’ve not only become accustomed to

but also one that actually brings a level of comfort.

Let’s see what will happen if you go to your boyfriend and let him

know how you feel. What do you think you’ll be able to say to him?

[10]

Client: I want to work out an agreement that won’t lead me to feel

resentful, so I need to figure out what it is I want from him in the

area of money and chores, things like that.

Therapist: Sounds good. Here’s the following week’s session:

Client: I drew up a contract with a list of all the things he’s

responsible for and all the things I’m responsible for. I feel great. In

the past, I’d have let this unfairness go on forever because “life

wasn’t fair to me as a child.” I realized that a big part of my identity

with people is how unfair life is for me.

Drawing up this contract took one hour. We both agreed, and now,

we both feel great. I’m starting this relationship with no resentment,

which is a first. I can see myself starting to say No to my legacy of

people who take advantage of me, which just leads to my feeling

used.

Therapist: You’re right. We can help you become a warrior. Have

you seen the movie Dances With Wolves? [11]

Anxiety

People-pleasing creates anxiety. Since we’ve only told people what

we think they want to hear, there is anxiety about trying to

remember what we’ve told everyone.

Then there’s anxiety about not telling the truth, and the possibility

of being found out.

And there’s anxiety about ultimately hurting someone—or

everyone, for that matter—if and when the truth is finally exposed.

Seven-year-old Julie tells her mom: I don’t want Alison to spend the

night. She’s so bossy. (Alison’s mom tends to look for babysitting

from people-pleasing moms).

Julie’s mom: OK, honey.

The next day, Alison’s mom says to Julie’s mom: I was so

hoping Alison could spend tonight with Julie at your home. She’s

been begging me all day.

Julie’s mom: Sure, of course. (At the moment Julie’s mom is trying

to please Alison’s mom, she

really may not remember her promise to her own daughter).

Julie, upon finding out: “Mom, why can’t you stand up to

Alison’s mom?”

Julie’s mom, to herself: Good question. Here’s what happens in

the therapist’s office:

Client (Julie’s mom): I made a mess, and my daughter is upset

with me. What can I do now?

Therapist: Take a deep breath, call Alison’s mom, and say, I made

a mistake. Thank you for asking about the overnight, but it’s not

going to work for us to have Alison spend the night. (And be firm

even if Alison’s mom comes back with, “But she’s made plans; what

is she going to do?”) Then apologize to Julie.

Client: I’m starting to see how if I don’t have boundaries for

myself, I can’t properly care for the people I love.

Depression

The greatest tragedy that people-pleasers experience is the absence

of any authentic relationship with themselves. The result is an ill-

defined person, someone without a strong sense of self. Here’s an

example from one end of the spectrum:

When I was working as the evening charge nurse at an inpatient

psychiatric unit, we admitted a woman suffering from depression.

She told us horror story after horror story about how abusively her

family had treated her.

When we explained how visitation worked, we let her know that she

could veto anyone’s visitation privileges. She decided to ban her

family from visiting.

To our dismay, however, we watched her become more and more

depressed, to the point of becoming suicidal. As bad as her family

members were, without them, she felt worse. [12]

The role this patient had always played was that of the victim:

“Look how poorly I’m being treated.” But as bad as it is having the

identity of the victim, it can feel better than having no identity at all.

Lack of Self Knowledge

We require identity and self-knowledge, or at least the perception of

it. On the opposite end of the spectrum, many people-pleasers are

very competent “out in the world,” and are able to take on the

identity of “success,” in spite of the fact that they struggle to have

success in their personal lives.

Client: When I’m on my own at home, I feel totally ungrounded.

I’m depressed, unmotivated. When I’m at work, I’ve got direction.

Those around him determine this man’s sense of self. When he’s at

work, he’s one person. When he’s at home, he’s another.

As a child, it was the same. Outside his home, he was the best

athlete, best student, great friend, etc. But at home, he was

constantly criticized, shamed, and beaten down—the black sheep of

the family. He taught himself to overachieve in the outside world

and people-please the bad guys at home! Unfortunately, he may not

believe he can be successful without a toxic home.

When we do not develop our authentic selves, or if we we’re never

given the opportunity to do so, we may also settle for toxic

situations. Why? Because it’s better than being alone, or we believe

we need these situations.

We can get by as long as there are other people around. In fact, we

may even overachieve at work and in social settings. In the case of

this particular client, he continued his legacy of abuse at home with

one critical, cold, and controlling relationship after another.

The people-pleasing, always-accommodating, victimized son

became the people-pleasing, always-accommodating, victimized

boyfriend, and ultimately, the people-pleasing, always-

accommodating, victimized husband.

The reality is that as he continues to feed his poor self-esteem in

this way, emotionally, he’s more like the woman on suicide watch at

the psychiatric unit, despite his highly successful career.

While we can survive with nothing more than the perception of a

sense of identity, in order to thrive, we require the real deal. We

need to take the time to understand who we are, what we believe,

and what is important to us, etc.

Homework

Spend time on your own to develop an inner, private life. Find a

belief system bigger than yourself, like nature, religion, or

spirituality. Develop a practice such as meditation, yoga, prayer,

exercise, deep breathing, anything that grounds you. [13]

It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it does this in some way and

lets you address some of life’s big questions, like:

• Who are you? • What do you believe? • How does the world work? • Why do bad things happen to good people? • What should you do when bad things

happen to you?

When the proverbial you-know-what hits the fan, you will be ready.

You will have a reserve of emotional strength. You will be

grounded, a warrior ready for action.

Although many people use addictions during times of crisis,

addictions do not and should not qualify as grounding practices.

On the other hand, if you believe there is something bigger than

you, and if you develop practices to support your relationship to

whatever that is for you, then you never have to feel alone in the

world.

Some people even prefer a spiritual base to having a partner, while

others need that partner.

Client: I have a good person in my life, and I’m practicing setting

healthy boundaries. The person isn’t critical and cold, which is a

first for me, and I’m standing up for myself, which is also a first.

Practically speaking, this relationship is premature for this person,

but he felt he simply could not continue to live alone. Nevertheless,

though, he’s practicing new behaviors and learning, and while it’s

not the ideal situation for self-improvement, it’s not a detriment

either.

We were able to fashion his experience with his new partner in such

a way that it not only benefited my client but also allowed his

partner to see individual growth in directions she was hoping to

take too.

Unfortunately, however, the need to be with a partner sometimes

trumps everything else, even the relationship with one’s therapist.

I’ve had clients who rather than leave a bad relationship, opted to

leave therapy instead. Fortunately, on occasion, they return.

Client: He was married. I knew I needed to get out of being a

married man’s girlfriend. But I just wasn’t ready. I was dreading our

sessions. I’d see them in my Day-Timer and instead of looking

forward to them, they were only a constant reminder of what I

knew I needed to do. But I wasn’t ready.

Homework

Sometimes, it’s OK to put off change—temporarily. If you find

yourself complaining about the same situation over and over and

yet you can’t leave, it may not be time to leave. But it may very well

be time to stop complaining. Your friends are probably tired of

hearing about it.

You are choosing to stay by choosing not to leave, so ask yourself,

what is the learning for me? While it may not sound like it, there is

opportunity to make the most of it even when you’re stuck. Make it

work for you. Sometimes, you need to build your self-confidence

and get your ducks in a row before you leave.

Client: I know my fears, and I get so tired of hearing myself

complain—about the relationship, the drama, my own pathetic

inability to change it. I see where my stubborn loyalty keeps getting

me in trouble. I’m not blind to the abuse, and I’m not blind to the

self-sabotage. It’s just that staying with the familiar is less scary than

braving the unknown. But now I’m ready.

Physical Dangers

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news—and sorrier still if you already

knew this from first-hand experience—but people-pleasers are not

equipped to deal with life’s darker challenges:

• Abusive relationships

• Child molestation • Internet predation • Rape • Kidnapping

It is difficult to determine the prevalence of abuse because

definitions differ, and there are so many places where abuse can

take place, e.g., families, workplace, elder care, churches, schools,

child-care facilities, etc. But I think it is important to understand

that it is far more prevalent than we would like to believe.

Each year, 1 million children in North America are confirmed as

victims of child abuse or neglect, and over 1,200 die as a result of

parental mistreatment. Overall, the reported rate of child abuse has

increased by more than 300 percent since 1976. [14]

In addition, it is clear that the Internet facilitates pedophilic activity

by providing anonymity, convenience, ability to organize, and

access to victims. [15]

The U. S. Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that 75.6% of rapes

were committed by persons known to the victim. [16]

Abusive Relationships

If you are already involved in a physically abusive relationship, there

is no choice but to leave. If there were other choices, I would tell

you. There are not. Do not make excuses. Do