Although most of us generally associate relationships with lovers, spouses and romance, they actually encompass everyone we will interact with during our lifetimes, like that crazy aunt with an alcoholic cat, or the selfish nephew with a gambling problem, the nosy neighbor whose husband is trying to kill her, or that double crossing ex-boss who still harasses you six months after you left work. How you interact with these people is you having a relationship with them.
I also believe that a relationship can only ever be between two people, so when I hear "there were three of us in that relationship"; I always see three different relationships (1+2, 2+3, 3+1) as opposed to one big one.
My view on relationships is unconventional (I have been told), especially when it comes to romance. This didn't turn up one day during a random emotional rearranging session, it took years of transformation and uncovering, a process that involved observing my pain, feeling my hurt, accepting rejection, and finally mastering the art of letting go.
And as part of my healing, I read back through journals, combed my memories, and talked to previous relationships (family, friends, colleagues, one ex, and random passers) to find out what they had been thinking at the time.
This shifted my perception wide enough to warrant looking closer at how I was seeing relationships; what I thought I needed to put into them, in order to get what I wanted out of them. Then I weighed it up against what I was actually (as opposed to what I thought) giving and what I was actually getting; the difference was startling!
I realised that although I thought I was conducting holistic relationships, I was actually conducting them from my wounded (and stuck) Self, and since my partners (friends, family, colleagues, boyfriends, random passers) were doing the same, these relationships were doomed to blow up from the start, which they ultimately went on and did in spectacular style!
I would like to take the opportunity to apologise to all the men reading this book (especially the easily offended ones). Because although I have tried to remain unbiased (in places) when it comes to men and women, my views on relationships side with the girls.
Firstly, this is because I am one (that should be obvious), secondly because I am consciously subscribed to the female collective and find it easier to sympathise (and empathise) with women, and thirdly because I spend a lot of time around females, whom I find to be more receptive to flow than men (that I find spend way too much time resisting and fighting flow rather than accepting it).
The above is a generalisation, and I am aware of that, it was simply for the purposes of explaining why my views lean towards women; I know that not all men are stubborn, resistant animals that want to control anything that doesn't threaten them.
But because of the cleansing work I am currently doing on my sacral chakra to balance my male and female energies, I seem to be coming across breed a lot, and it frustrates me!
Plus, as much as I love the girls, I need shots of testosterone to balance things out a bit and bring a different angle to the room. The few conscious men I have (and had) in my life are doing the best they can, but four men can't do the work of twenty.
Anyway, believe me gentlemen I am slowly (but surely) moving towards respecting the male collective and its differences from the female, rather than attacking it like a woman scorned.
Beauty and the Beast Syndrome"Look into my eyes you will see what you mean to me. Search your heart search your soul and when you find it there you'll search no more. Don't tell me it's not worth trying for. You can't tell me it's not worth dying for. You know it's true everything I do, I do it for you" (Everything I do) I do it for you by Brian Adams.
Aww, how sweet! Once upon a time I subscribed to that point of view and conducted my romantic relationships from it, but to the disappointment of my future plans they never lasted, and instead left me more screwed up than I had been before.
Don't get me wrong I am not a relationship cynic who goes around handing out "Don't fall in love!" leaflets, I just think that the way we look at and conduct relationships is very distorted, which is why many of them don't work out and leave people a little bit crazier than they started out being.
There is a whole magic soup of romantic songs floating about, that will have you betrothed to someone you won't even like in the morning, and a lot of them talk about "true love", "finding love", "losing love", "standing by your man" or "putting that woman first". The emphasis being that once you find that somebody to love who will love you back, everything will be perfect!
And all sorts of messages are shouting just that at us; from all directions we are bombarded with images of happy couples, fairytale weddings and shows of external unity that have nothing to do with the reality we know from our own relationships (some do...), but still we desperately cling onto the belief that relationships are like that all the time, even though our experiences and intuitions beg to differ.
The best song that describes all my romantic relationship patterns has to be Shut Up by the Black Eyed Peas: the whole emphasis of starting out all loved up, everything is sweet and perfect, my partner can do no wrong.
Then one thing gets out of hand, and everything changes!
Before I know it both of us are screaming blue murder at each other, and I become nagging, demanding, and he just wants to get as far, far away from me... just wanted to mention that.
Anyway, I used to have "Beauty and the Beast Syndrome" (a phrase that popped into my head one afternoon while watching the Disney cartoon version
- one of my favourite films), but wasn't aware of it until I was healing and looking back at my relationships and what I was thinking throughout them.
I also now realise that a whole heap of women have it too, and scarily it starts from childhood, so that young girls develop it quite early on and grow up to conduct their relationships that way too.
Basically, "Beauty and the Beast Syndrome" is what I see as someone who falls for a beast (serial cheater, abuser of all kinds, selfish, uncaring, nasty person) and tries to tame (or change) them with just the power of their love, especially if they successfully managed to change certain aspects (or behaviours) once or twice at the beginning (which ultimately reverted back sometime after that) of the relationship.
For example, I went out with an alcoholic and a verbal abuser (to name a few) whose issues I didn't find out about until I had started falling for them (and thus couldn't walk away).
Please feel free to replace the "hims" and “he’s” with "hers" and “she’s” where appropriate.
At first, I was a grounding force that kept him out of trouble, and he would listen to what I said, even changed certain behaviours when I asked him to; so what did that say to me? That I could tame the beast.
But before long (and in true soap opera style) the beast turned on me, and like a confused animal I quickly turned to tactics that had worked in the past, but instead of working this time they seemed to get the beast even more riled up.
Now, intuition (and logic) would have me run like the wind at this point, and never look back. But no, I thought that because he had listened to me before, there was some chance he would listen to me in the future (didn't know when though but had to hope), when things (work, family, stress) had calmed down.
Until then, I had to be the patient, loyal, loving girlfriend who stuck by him until he came back to his senses and saw my worth, then he would shower me with gratitude and love again, because I had stuck by him through his monstrous phase.
And this is what I did for months, breaking my neck to please him, draining myself to fill him, neglecting my Self to give him everything, but his issues (work, family, stress) just didn't go away, in fact new ones slithered in to take the place of the old ones, and his anger and resentment towards me kept on getting stronger and stronger; I was losing his respect and his love, but I didn't understand what I was doing so wrong to make him hate me so much.
Ultimately, things ended and my "happily ever after" was scrapped... until the next time.
Mind you I don't think that these men were all beasts, they just had beast aspects (wounded and stuck parts) about them that I brought out, and I think another woman (or man) could have brought out Prince Charming aspects and maintained them, just like I know men (and women) who have brought out the beast aspects in me.
It was precisely this line of thought that brought me to a realisation one day; that the men I was choosing presented a pattern, and I had "beast disturbing" aspects about me that were (unconsciously) sending out signals of their existence and calling home a beast, ready to be disturbed.
I didn't want to continue on that path anymore because it was just hurting me, but before I could move forward onto a new one, I had to uncover what signals I was sending out, and where they were coming from.
To do this I had to monitoring what I really thought about, which was painfully obvious once I started paying attention; I felt undeserving, unworthy, ugly, at the bottom of the pile, so naturally that attracted men who were ready (by their behaviours and actions towards me) reinforce it.
Seeing exactly how I had arrived at such a destructive state of mind (where my unconscious thoughts were manifested in the physical world and attacking me to draw attention to themselves) had me in tears for a few days, releasing all the repressed emotions through my tears.
From there, I had to somewhat shift what I actually thought of myself from the above, to positive, worthy, very, very deserving, beautiful, and significant in every way! So that I could begin sending out a different set of signals that would draw to me something different.
Some said (don't remember who, when, why or in what context) "if you do what you always do, you'll get what you always get. To get something different, do something different", I thought to apply that to this situation, which I am still in the process of transforming.
Anyway, feeling hated by the men I loved so dearly is also why I am now averse to marriage (the legal part), along with divorce statistics, people marrying because they are lonely or afraid of growing old alone, gold diggers marrying for money, and foreigners marrying for citizenship; I see marriage as having very bad press!
Of course, there are genuine marriages out there (including my parents'), but I personally don't like the idea of being legally bound to someone I might not like in a year’s time.
I actually shudder at the thought of vowing to "spend the rest of my life with someone" or "love them till death do us part", that's just too long.
And besides, how can I realistically expect to keep that promise when I am growing so quickly in so many ways (unless he's in the same boat, and I haven't heard of one yet), and manage to find myself thinking differently about something every three months or so.
I would genuinely value a twelve or thirty-eight year relationship more if both parties had been free to walk away, but didn't, rather than fighting to keep life in a dead relationship because you'd signed a legal contract that forbade you from walking away and starting anew when you clearly needed to.
I think that putting a "lock" on a relationship (wedlock) is what dooms it to go wrong, or rather that's what I think about me and mine.
Before I alienate myself and have all those wonderful wedding invitations revoked, I would like to say that these marriage views apply to me and my relationships only!
Others have the right to do whatever they like as long as they both consent to it, and it doesn't affect me.
I would genuinely be happy for a friend who announced their engagement to me, excitedly pick out wedding dresses and flowers with her (or him), rub oil on the male stripper at the hen party, and bawl like a baby at the ceremony.
And I can even admit that I probably will have a wedding of my own some day, with the dress, the doves, the flowers, the groom, and the elaborate dinner, but not the legal contract! I think that would be the most unromantic jinx I could put on my relationship.
If by some off chance I do agree to become legally bound to someone, it would have to be in my sixties or seventies because then I wouldn't have long left.
I stuck by my men even though they were hurting me (emotionally) because I also believed that "love conquered all", and I still do. But my perception of that statement has now shifted to a somewhat different angle.
Before, I used to think it had to do with loving someone so much, that however much they hurt me I needed to continue loving them until they came back to their senses, saw my worth, and loved me again.
But now I see that the love which really conquered everything was the love I uncovered for myself.
Love will conquer all when it is subscribed to in its purest form, which is the form that will not harm, control, oppress or destroy. True love for Self is always there, we just have this distorted perception that it lies within someone else.
And it is this that will have us clinging onto the first person who projects to us the slightest fraction of what we think the ultimate love is - does that make any sense?
In my teens I developed this warped fantasy born out of watching my peers celebrate two, three or even four year relationships with their partners, that I would meet a guy (soon) and stay with him until I was twenty-five, then we would get married and have all our children before I turned thirty (shudder).
So every time I went into a relationship, I would start preparing myself for the long haul while trying to mould a husband. I would become totally devoted to him (within reason); put all my energy, effort, time and money into the relationship, thinking I was investing in the future.
At first it would be reciprocated, but after a while he would sit back and enjoy the ride, which I then grew to resent him for because I was doing all the legwork.
When I brought this to his attention he would start off by making empty promises (that I suspect he never intended to keep), but after a while confrontations would break out I would accuse him of being lazy, while he would accuse me of being nagging; and then everything would be ruined!
This was a pattern all my relationships took on, and they barely lasted eight months let alone a year.
Once I even tried to play a relationship game (something I never do) in an attempt to keep the man, but it blew up in my face so spectacularly, I now use the story to warn other girls off of playing relationship games (even though plenty of magazines would encourage it).
It was after my last relationship before the transformation (when I got dumped for another woman), that I realised something had to change in the way I was seeking out and conducting romantic relationships, otherwise I would keep attracting the same man in different bodies for the rest of my life and never grow (or be happy).
Let me bring your attention back to a little earlier, when I said "changing your mind is the easy part, the challenge lies in trying to maintain that way of thinking long enough to manifest it".
I started off by affirming to stop seeing relationships as "happening to me" but the truth, which is that they are being "created by me".
It took a whole heap of honesty and bucket loads of will to accept the fact that my exes had only gotten away with treating me the way they did because I allowed it consciously, and asked for it unconsciously.
Add that to my low self-esteem and self-worth issues, and you had a pretty screwed up little girl who went about manifesting her issues in her relationships.
Reading Iyanla Vanzant's In the Meantime helped to get me through the healing process, which lasted months that felt like years, especially when I started bringing my attention to the moment. You can imagine the timeless air that took over my life then, alongside the intensity of the pain.
These combined factors had me on the brink of suicide, as that had to have been the most intensely challenging time of my life yet; all the pains and traumas I had ever experienced decided to surface at one time and demand my attention (something they had never done before).
As tempting as it was to lose my sanity and shut off forever, I forced myself to keep healing and dealing with everything that came up, because it so happened that in the midst of my desperate desolation, I managed to tap into a heightened state of awareness, where I saw my past, present, and future all in one moment.
And I was given a God-consciousness understanding of why I had created so much heartache for myself, and how I could change it from there on, and start out on a new path of creating consciously (with the benefit of experience of course).
As the saying goes, "nothing lasts forever" and indeed it did not (even though it felt like it), and when I finally emerged I was reborn into a new person; I had a different understanding of the world, of life, and especially of relationships, that I wasn't willing to change for anybody!
I became Self-centered, which meant putting me first. And I started seeing the world being a series of intertwined Universes, and I was the center of mine; people and situations revolve around me in my life, while I revolve around them in their lives.
However, don't for one minute confuse Selfcenteredness with selfishness, because I do not operate from fear, greed, or disregard for the next human being, I operating from love and a "do as you would be done by" point of view, which I applied to all my relationships with everyone.
And for the first time in life, I see that romantic relationships (finding a man) are not the be all and end all of life, if anything it had dropped to less than 35% in the scale of importance, even though I have an innate knowing that there is a compatible men out there for me - just haven't come across him yet!
Anyway, I also started to realise my own worth and importance in the scheme of things, and began asserting it in my everyday life, which didn't go down too well with some people; they had to go as a result.
The most important thing to me now is inner growth, and all my relationships have to reflect that or I step back.
However, there have been a few occasions when I ignored my internal warning system and tried to get into relationships that turned out to not be for the best after all.
Even though on a higher level every relationship is for the “best” (including those I consciously reject), and has the potential to bring me the gift of growth that I desire by reflecting back to me things that I am unaware of (this may take a while but it will eventually happen).
For example, there was this guy I had met who managed to bypass my barrier system on the strength that he was openly spiritual and honest about his views, despite all the ridicule he seemed to be getting for his troubles.
And I suppose I saw an ally in him, so I gave him a chance, and what a big mistake that was!
He turned out to be a very horrible man, who accused me of being uncontrollable (now why would a spiritual person want to control another), told me I wasn't good enough for him, and that he would end up cheating on me because he was settling for second best, and would not be contented.
Funny enough I actually understand that, but I really didn't need to know; a simple "I'm not interested anymore" would have done.
Anyway, that conversation upset me for days, and although (like loyal ego strokers) my friends (even the male ones) told me he wasn't worth it, I couldn't shake the hurt, disappointment and sadness that were conjured up every time I thought about him, and I didn't understand why.
Then out of the blue, I remembered that a few weeks earlier I had given another man a chance too, and he had gone and done the same thing; battered my self-esteem with a stick of words, and right there was a pattern!
I realised that they were bringing my attention back to the fact that I still had some work to do on my self-esteem, because if I was still attracting people who were prone to battering it, I must still have been sending out signals calling out to them.
I was so relieved after that realisation I went out to celebrate, because I had started to worry that I was fallen for him, which I wasn't happy about at all!
Although I haven't completely shut off from men (as I would have before), I have come to accept that I cannot have a long term romantic relationship with someone who doesn't think like me; that would be a disaster.
And one of the reason for this is because a lot of the men I have come across (not all ), have had a dangerous combination of ego and insecurity that makes them unable to admit when they are wrong, or say sorry when they have hurt me.
And this would not work in a relationship with me, because I am quick to accept (and admit) responsibility for my part in a situation that went wrong, which they mistakenly take for self-blame and then proceed to pile on their share. Then they will try and guilt-trip me into submission so that they can be in control.
Unfortunately, this only encourages me to rebel, step away, put my barriers up faster than a bullet, and pronounce the relationship over (though not always conscious on my part)!
Besides, having tapped into that Godconsciousness during my healing, I uncovered true love, the source of which lies within me, and now I understand that it never came (finding love) or went (losing love), but my awareness of it was what shifted over and over again.
So now my awareness of love is always present, and if somehow I lose sight of it, someone or something will always draw my attention back to where it needs to be; in love.
And now that I love and respect myself this much, I find it hard to let anyone else disrespect or treat me badly (don't get me wrong it still happens - I just notice it a lot quicker), and one of the fantastic results of this transformation is that I can love everyone (that I choose) wholly without expecting them to love me back, but ironically they do.
"There's a place inside of all of us where our faith in love begins. You should reach to find the truth in love, the answers they're within" Count on Me by Cece Winans and Whitney Houston.
• Uncovering. If you are experiencing difficult relationships (not just romantic ones), it would do you the world of good to look closely at exactly what the challenge is saying to you. This will then uncover to you what it is bringing your attention towards. For example, the reason (I have uncovered) that I keep attracting resistant men into my life, is because my masculine energy is not flowing (stuck and resistant) due to years of suppression. And the result is a whole field of external representations bringing my attention to the fact that I need to work on unblocking it. I started the healing by monitoring how I felt every time I got into an argument or experienced resistance; frustration, hurt, maybe passion? Where in my body was I feeling the shifts? And so on, then I would write it all down (or you can draw, paint, say, or scribble it - whatever works), after a while patterns began to emerge, and ideas on how to take my healing further, revealed themselves. Try it over about three months (to start off with), and remember to be patient with yourself because like I said before, these traumas (and issues) didn't take a day to build up, so they won't take a day to kick out.
• Affirmation. When you have uncovered the root causes to how you are creating difficult relationships, go on to affirm that you are ready to change, and start creating new relationships for your highest good. Some affirmations I used are: "I now affirm that I am ready for holistic relationships", "I hereby affirm that I am ready for harmony in my relationships", and "I affirm now that I am ready to experience relationships that are for my highest good". Get creative, and make sure that they mean something to you; otherwise they will be undercharged (with intention). I also write out my affirmations and stick them up on the walls, so that they integrate into my consciousness while I sleep, and when I woke up I say them as the first thing; try it for yourself!
• Relationship Journal. I suggest (which you don't have to do) that you keep your relationship and "uncovering" journals separate, I will tell you why in a minute. The relationship journal could be used to write down your thoughts, feelings, plans, and hindrances, what bothers you, what makes you smile, what your partner did, or what you didn't do; anything and everything to do with your relationships through their durations. After a while (when you read back through it), you will discover gems of information such as patterns, re-actions, and even an insight into how you are conducting your relationships into difficulty or challenging waters. This is invaluable when you are trying to change them for your highest good. Now, the reason I suggest keeping your journals separate is that, when you are truly ready to let go of all your old wounds, you can burn, flush away, tear up, throw away, or bury the soiled pages of your "uncovering" journal, and visualise yourself and your relationships completely healed and renewed (even if that means getting rid of some people).
• Recognise Patterns. When you uncover and begin to recognise your patterns, do something about them by becoming observant of your feelings, especially in the moments before a situation blows up and encourages you to react in ways you did many times before. That way you can train yourself to recognise the beginning signs of a challenge or difficulty, and identify your part in propelling the conflict, before it takes hold and has you saying or doing things you will later regret. You can then change your actions and create a different outcome that will contribute to restoring overall harmony. If however, you manage to successfully change the way you think and react, but issues persist, then it may not be your problem, and perhaps time for you to step away until the other person has healed or dealt with themselves. This might be permanently if they refuse to do so (completely at your discretion).
• Ask Your Angels. When I am struggling to tap into a quality I have lost sight of, or just wish to strengthen, I ask the Angels. There are Angels for everything (popular culture ones are for parking spaces), so patience, peace, love and joy are standard. I have found that when I call upon an Angel or spirit guide to help me along with something (anything), I have to make a conscious effort to help myself as well (or at least try) otherwise I feel like I am not being assisted. This is because of the quote (from before): "we are here to guide you, not to live your life for you".
• Surround Yourself with Love. This can be done in any number of ways such as putting up pictures that represent and affirm love to you. For example hearts around your bedroom, paintings, drawings, or pictures of happy families, happy couples, happy friends, or even yourself happy and surrounded by love objects such as a rose quartz crystal or gifts from a loved one. The pictures don't have to be of your own relationship partners, especially if you do not have any yet. You can also surround yourself with loving messages such as quotes, affirmations, poetry, books, or letters from yourself or a loved one. You could set a mood by playing love music; one of my favourites is In Amorata (track 4) by Randy Tico on the Earth Dance album, which I dance seductively to in expression of love for myself. I also like to express my love for others by telling them how I feel, but be very clear on what you are trying to say here because some people may take it the wrong way. I once told a male friend that I loved him (as a friend of course), but he proceeded to run three miles because he thought I was declaring romantic love to him (never could happen), and I never saw him again after that.
• Forgiveness. Contrary to what Timbaland ft One Republic say (in Apologize), I don't believe it's ever "too late to 'pologise". Because although the relationship can never go back to the state it was before whatever needs apologising for was done or said, keeping a grudge alive obviously does more harm than good and keeps healing at bay. Besides, I always think that forgiving someone (whether they know it or not) moves a relationship to higher ground, especially if things can never go back to how they were. Now, like most things in life at times forgiving can be easier said than done, so I like to get creative in the ways I go about it. In the mornings when I am invoking Angels, I will call upon the one for forgiveness and ask it to be with me throughout the day. So, when I eat or drink anything during the day, I ask it to be charged with forgiveness (then I visualise the energy entering it) and then consume it with the intention that forgiveness will fill my body and my being. I see it filling all my cells when the food is digested and the drink is sent to where it needs to go inside my body. I will also charge most of the things that come near my body with the energy of forgiveness, so that I am literally surrounded with it, that way it will be easier for