JEFFREY RACCOON
As I proceeded to enter the forested area, I inexplicably became calmer and more content. Perhaps it had been excessively long since my last venture into nature. Well, I was not complaining. I saw an occasional animal here and there, consisting of birds and squirrels. However, it was not until I took notice of a lone raccoon resting on the branch of a Maple tree that I stopped dead in my tracks. I was certain that he was a city raccoon, but what was he doing in the forest, I wondered.
"Hey, kitty, come here for a minute. I want to talk to you, I mean, if you have a minute or two."
I was not sure if the raccoon was trying to lure me into a trap; but then, he could have been friendly. I had two options at hand, leave or approach the raccoon. Logic dictated that I continue walking. Unbelievably, some raccoons hate cats, it is a matter of envy.
As I continued to walk away, the raccoon started to plead with me. “Come on, kitty. Please, do not leave me. I have been in this forest for three whole days, eating leaves, nuts, and whatever I can scrounge from the forest floor. Please, if you do not trust me, I will understand. Just come a little closer and listen to my story.”
I had a change of heart stopping in my tracks and then approaching the raccoon. Although I was aware that standing too close to the tree could result in a pouncing, I had a gut feeling that he was telling the truth.
“Alright ‘Mr. Raccoon’, I’ll hear you out but on one condition. You must descend from the Maple tree and under no circumstances are you to make any sudden moves. Have I made myself clear?”
"I hear you loud and clear. Now, please do not prejudge me. I know that some cats have an inherent hatred towards raccoons. I for one do not like to reciprocate unless it is necessary. However, in our particular situation we are total strangers. In this regard, I would like to become your friend.
First, I must formally introduce myself I am Jeffrey Raccoon. I am originally from Lincoln, Nebraska. I left Nebraska a year ago in search of a smaller, more laid-back and peaceful environment, and to see another American state. The concrete jungle is a place that can raise your anxiety level, along with your pulse and blood pressure.
Up until three days ago, I lived in Cornville, Iowa, a town of roughly 5000. Sure, I had a run-in with a human or an animal every now and then, but overall the situation was okay. That is, until 3 days ago. I was resting on a tree branch behind a local Burger King. It was a sunny day, about noontime. Believe me, I was minding my own business, when all of a sudden, some moron decided to use me for target practice.
You should have seen this person; fat, ugly, pimple-faced, and I could see the crack of his butt because his pants and underwear were several inches below the cover line. You know what I mean; come on kitty, you must've heard many stories about cat-hating kids trying to shove fire crackers up a cat's ..., or what about hanging a cat by its tail, and the countless other stories. Well, my story involves a fatso kid who threw three rocks at me. Thank goodness, I was able to dodge the rocks, but the last one barely missed me. I would've left it at that, but the kid turned and then bent down and grabbed a handful of additional rocks, he turned back to look at me, carrying a big ugly smile on his face. What was I to do? Well, I will tell you ... I took hold of several rocks and then hurled them one at a time in his general direction. Now, I must make this point clear; I could have nailed that ugly fatso but that was not my intention. I merely wanted to scare him.
Well, what ensued shocked me. The kid threw a fit, ran to the front of the Burger King restaurant crying his brains out and shouting lies about me. He said that a mean, ugly, dastardly raccoon was hurling rocks at him because he was a human. More so, he told the forming crowd that I had been harassing him for the past year, exactly when I first arrived in Cornville, Iowa. It was either a lucky guess or this snot of a kid had been eyeing me since I first arrived in town. Any way you see it, I was doomed.
I had no chance of any kind of a defence. I left the area as fast as I could, hiding in an abandoned house. For the following 24 hours there was an increased police presence in area, vigilantes roamed the streets shouting 'Death to the Killer Raccoon'! I became the 'killer raccoon'. The hatred and treachery is something that every raccoon knows. Mother raccoons teach their young, never trust a human. Although a minority of humans can be kind to my people, many others are neutral, and the remainder are outright sadistic."
"Wait a minute, Jeffrey, how long do you plan to stay in this forest? And how far away from here is Cornville?"
Kitty, although Cornville is 5 miles away, it seems like it is just around the corner. Furthermore, twice a day I cautiously walk to the peripheral of the forested area to see what is going on. I am still seeing members of the posse that are searching for me. In fact, I suspect there is an ASP (All State's Bulletin) out for me. That means I must leave Iowa immediately."
During our conversation, Jeffrey defecated three times. Worse yet, he was shivering and appeared gaunt, caused by malnutrition, extreme anxiety, and lack of sleep. I had to help him. "Jeffrey, I think that I can help you. I am here with my parents, were going to Pennsylvania. I will convince them to bring with us. What's more, you can eat, drink, and sleep in our van. How does that sound?"
Jeffrey shifted his gaze to the left, manifesting the facade of a terrified person, and then looked back at me. "Please, kitty, I know you mean good, but you may not know your parents as well as you think." I did not know this at the time, but Jeffrey was right. More so, they would come back to haunt me. "Please, you must understand. I am very apprehensive when it comes to additional humans knowing my secret. Are you absolutely certain that your parents can be trusted; that they'll help me and won't turn me in?"
I manifested an earnest expression on my face and then nodded in yes. "Jeffrey, if my parents try to call the police I will do whatever I can to dissuade them. My parents are in their seventies. I'm certain I can keep them in line." The anxiety in the air drained us of much of our energy. The good news is by now Jeffrey had total trust in me, we slept side-by-side but not before, I formally introduced myself to him.
Upon awakening I gazed upwards; although the forest trees had filtered much of the suns’ light, I was still able to discern that it was close to 6:00 P.M. "Jeffrey, we must leave the forest immediately. My parents are expecting me to return to the van by 6:00 P.M. I don't want to upset them."
Jeffrey and I proceeded to walk to the peripheral of the forest. As soon as we got there, I saw my parents standing beside our van. They grinned at me but glared at Jeffrey. I motioned Jeffrey to stay behind while I spoke to my parents. I walked towards my parents, stopping as soon as I was a foot from where my dad was standing. "Mom, dad, that’s Jeffrey. Please give him a ride. He's going to Pennsylvania like us." After a long pause, my father waved at Jeffrey and then to our van, signifying that he wanted him to get in.
Jeffrey half-heartedly approached our van. He was not lazy. It was a case of anxiety and apprehension. I was hoping that his raccoon instincts were wrong about my parents. Not to mention my instincts; I had a gut feeling that my parents were hiding something quite ominous deep inside their minds. Nevertheless, we had to make the attempt. I could not allow Jeffrey to stay in the forest for the rest of his life. It would have hurt my insides.
“Oh my dear, Jason, tell us something about your new friend? The expression on my mother’s face betrayed her kind, curious words. I brushed it off, thinking that perhaps she was apprehensive because he was a stranger and we were in the process of moving to Pennsylvania.
“Mom, dad, I’d like to formally introduce my newfound friend. His name is Jeffrey Raccoon. He is an affable person. In fact, I spent all of my free time conversing with him.
My father carefully studied Jeffrey, scanning his entire body slowly. It was as though he suspected him of having a concealed firearm or other dangerous weapon on his person.
Right before my mother turned on the ignition she shifted her gaze onto me, holding it there intently, and then onto Jeffrey. It was apparent that my parents did not believe that my newfound friend just happened to need a ride to Pennsylvania.
Then, there was total silence, a silence that lasted four roughly a minute. My mother turned on the ignition and then continued our drive to Pennsylvania. It took roughly an hour for Jeffrey and me to realize that something awful was in the making unless we told my parents the truth. My father frequently shifted his gaze onto Jeffrey and then to me, then eyeing his mobile. It was like he was deciding whether to call the police. It was at a specific moment I realized that perhaps Jeffrey’s raccoon instincts were correct. Still, I had some hope in my parents.
Jeffrey and I decided on a direct path, to tell my parents the whole truth and nothing but the truth. “Dad, can you please turn off the radio. Jeffrey has something very important to tell you and mother. Please do not interrupt him until he finishes, the story is not long. In all honesty, Jeffrey feels guilty about getting a free ride from you, and at the same time staying quiet about why he needs to leave Iowa. It took Jeffrey 10 minutes to convey his story.
“You see, Mr. and Mrs. Abbott, I had absolutely no options at hand. At least one posse, the townsfolk, and state and local police were hunting me down. Please forgive me I have always been an inherently good-natured raccoon. I am a law-abiding citizen; please show me some humanity. Jason told me how loving you are. If I had not believed him, I would not be here right now. I’d likely still be in the forested area.” I did not feel hurt by Jeffrey’s lie it was understandable under the circumstances.
“Oh honey, don’t worry about it. We are an elderly couple. We don’t carry prejudices against any race of humans or species of animals, said mother.” I knew very well that at least part of that statement was an outright lie. My parents did have prejudices, and they were very strong. They only liked ‘their own kind’. I never saw a visible minority in our neighbourhood, and that includes food delivery workers and cab drivers. Expectedly, my heart began to race, I felt Dizzy, and by all likelihood my blood pressure level was high; I knew this from the throbbing pain I felt in my head.
I was not sure what to do. Then, my father spoke; he calmed our nerves quite fast. “Hey guys, listen, mother’s going to pull over into the next exit. I am in the mood for some tasty, wholesome milk. Do you guys want anything?”
“Wow, dad, Jeffrey is starving, can you please bring him more than just milk? Please, I can hear his stomach growling, it almost sounds like a lion’s growl.” My father nodded in yes.
About 10 minutes later mother turned onto an exit ramp, heading to a rest area. A short while later we entered a large open area consisting of a parking lot, tourist information center, a restaurant, and a grocery store. My mother parked the van in front of Eric’s Grocery Store and then turned off the ignition. My father wanted Jeffrey and me to stay in the van while he and my mother went to get some food and drinks. Although they looked happy-as-can-be, my cat instincts were telling me that deceit was in the air, something was terribly wrong.
My parents were gone for more than an hour. It seemed quite odd to take that long to buy a few simple foods and drink items. The area was relatively quiet traffic was very light. Perhaps my parents had to use the restroom, I said to myself.
Finally, my parents exited the supermarket carrying a bag of groceries in each hand. Believe me, if I had to endure another hour of anxiety it would have zapped all of my strength away.
"Jason, Jeffrey, here are your supersized vanilla milkshakes. Mr. Abbott and I will be drinking orange juice. We lost our appetite for food. I guess we’ve been driving for too many hours.”
"Mom, dad, Jeffrey and I are wondering why the milkshake lids have been tampered with."
My mother stood motionless, unable to speak. My father took a step forward and then spoke his mind, "guys, you know what happened? Mrs. Abbott and I forgot that the milkshakes were for you. We are senior citizens our memories are failing us. I hope you understand, and please forgive us." My urge to drink the milk was so strong it caused me to lower my guard. Jeffrey waited until I took my first gulp before following suit.
Every single gulp of the vanilla milkshake gave me goose bumps. Ominously, I had no recollection of what ensued thereafter. Everything went blank. Suddenly, I found myself in front of the Garrison Apartment Building, in Penny, Pennsylvania. I did not know what to think of it. How could I have no recollection of what happened after I finished my milkshake? At no other time in my life did I ever have amnesia of this sort or suddenly pass out.
As soon as I started to recover from my disorientation, it became apparent to me what had happened. “Mom and dad, how did we get here?”
My mother turned off the ignition, and then she and my father exited the van. Immediately afterward, a couple of middle-aged men dressed in green outfits with a Garrison Apartment Building insignia on their shirts approached our van. My parents signalled me to exit the van. It was apparent that the men were going to carry all of our luggage and belongings to our new apartment.
The clock in the van indicated 12:00 P.M. It was a sunny day. Under normal circumstances, I would be delighted, but I felt an overwhelming apprehension. I exited our van took several steps to my left and waited attentively. I was standing next to my parents. What was missing here? I asked myself. I pondered about this question while the men started to remove articles from our van.
I was certain that my parents had drugged me. More so, my throat was very dry and I had a throbbing headache. To tell you the truth it felt like a hangover. My mother knelt down, paused for a moment and then gently lifted me off the ground. She held me like a baby then began to sing me a lullaby. Under normal circumstances I would have thrown a fit; I was not a little baby! I was too exhausted to protest.
I closed my eyes, falling asleep for several hours before awakening to the sound of a television show. Although my headache was gone, I needed some water really badly. I had been sleeping on a sofa. As soon as I righted myself, I saw a large pitcher of ice water on a coffee table beside me. My parents knew that I was going to be very thirsty. It was not just because they were physicians, there was more to this than met the eye.
I grabbed the pitcher with both paws and then guzzled the contents until there was nothing left but ice. I felt fully rehydrated. More so, I was able to formulate my thoughts in a logical and correct manner. It was at that moment that I remembered exactly what was missing. Where was Jeffrey? This question was screaming in my ears.
My parents were sitting on a Brown coloured leather couch. I wasted no time getting down to business; believe me, I was furious to say the least. “Mom, dad, where is Jeffrey? And why do I have no memory of events following the drinking of the vanilla milkshake?”
My parents stood up, then walked away from their sofa until they were hovering over me. “Jason, your father and I suspected that Jeffrey was a sinister criminal. You know, most raccoons are that way. This is why we had to check him out first. We called the Iowa State Police before getting the groceries. We had a photo of Jeffrey, along with a perfect description of where he was hiding out. The state police gave us instructions on how to send the information to them.
A short while later we received a phone call from State Trooper Eric Burns. Jeffrey tried to kill a young, innocent boy, of having committed a string of robberies, assaults, and other heinous crimes. Briefly, he terrorized many people. Honey, we spiked both of your milk shakes. We know you understand.”
“Mom, dad, what do you mean you know I understand; no, I do not understand! Jeffrey is a good person. Now, he probably thinks that I double-crossed him. You had no right to drug either of us. I don’t trust either of you anymore.” My blood was boiling. A menacing force began to overtake me. I roared, hissed, bared my teeth, arched my back raised the hair on my body and my tail. Worse yet, I crouched down, preparing myself for an offensive attack.
My parents instinctively backed away. Then, my father shifted his gaze unto my mother then said something quite unusual to her, “I told you that someday the savage in him was going to be catapulted unto us. We shouldn’t have done it.”
“Done what? I demand to know!” I shouted.
My mother glared at me, then pointed her finger in the direction of my bedroom. “How dare you speak to us in that manner? Go to your room! I’ll bring you your lunch and dinner.” I felt a sudden rush of anxiety throughout my body. If anyone else had spoken to me in that manner I would have unleashed a barrage of scratches, bites, and punches that would have dropped a lion. I was sinking in quicksand, and it looked like there was no way out of it. I entered my room, but then lo and behold I was overwhelmed with enthusiasm.
My room was outstandingly beautiful, fit for a prince to say the least. I had a 70-inch HD Sony television, a complete stereo set, a King-sized bed, mini fridge, and elegant furniture. I noticed a beautiful chandelier; wow, I even had my own work desk, a brand new Toshiba laptop, and my own brand new mobile. I was certain that my parents had included the best cable television package. I would not have settled for anything less.
No doubt, my parents had planned their retirement well in advance. Our apartment was fully furnished and ready for living. I leaped onto my bed and then grabbed hold of the Sony remote control on the table beside my bed. I turned on the television, galloped through the channels, stopping on the wildlife channel. The particular episode was about prairie dogs, such beautiful animals, even by cat standards.
I watched television for roughly forty-five minutes until a Breaking News story ensued. I wondered what had happened. Soon, I got the shock of my life. I saw Jeffrey shackled and muzzled. I felt so sorry for him. The news crews were following Jeffrey and so were the half dozen armed men and women surrounding him. Honestly, Jeffrey was not a threat to society.
“Viewers, I’m Sharon Smith from WSNA Tree-Ville, Iowa. I am standing in front of the Cornville, Iowa courthouse, waiting for the emergence of Jeffrey Raccoon.
The victim, 14 year-old Beckley, was minding his own business, counting his money behind a Burger King when without warning Jeffrey Raccoon began to hurl rocks at him. Worse yet, Jeffrey was laughing at his poor victim. This wild animal has a long criminal record in Iowa ranging from disturbing the peace, assaulting an animal control officer, and stealing food from supermarkets, and much worse crimes.
I am going to try to get a little closer to Jeffrey ... Officer, can you please remove the muzzle from his mouth. The people of Iowa, and certainly all of America, want to hear what this guy has to say.”
“Okay, Sharon, will do, but our chief has informed us that Jeffrey is allowed to speak for only five minutes. Be careful, he’s a monstrous savage animal.”
“Listen up first I have a message for my friend Jason. Jason, even though you turned me in, you double-crossed me, you stabbed me in the back I still love you. In fact, you are my best friend in the whole world. I do not have a grudge or bad feelings against you.
Now, as to these bogus charges, I am guilty of no crimes! I was the one who was minding his own business. Damn it, I was resting on a tree branch, as I had done hundreds, if not thousands of times before. In addition, concerning the thefts from supermarkets I did no such thing. These thefts were an inside job. I guess it is easy to point the finger at a raccoon. Why would I steal food from a supermarket? I would never stoop down to that level. As for the assault on the animal control officer, listen, that raving maniac was holding an electric cattle prod in his hand. He was smiling like the Joker, and he made three unsuccessful attempts at goading me. Following his failures, he attempted to remove his firearm from its holster. Now I could not allow that to happen.
“Jason, please I have to tell you something about your parents.” Unfortunately, at that very moment my mother stormed into my room and then threw a tantrum. She snatched the remote control that I placed on the bed beside me. She caught me off guard.
“Mom, please turn on the television. I need to know what Jeffrey is going to say. Please, mom, don’t do this to me.”
“No, honey, I’m your mother, and as such I know what’s good for you. Your father agrees with me wholeheartedly. You must never watch any news cast that involves Jeffrey.” My mother left the room with the remote in her hand. She returned 30 minutes later. Unfortunately, the news clip involving Jeffrey was over.
As soon as my mother returned the remote control, I looked away from her and then closed my eyes. I was in no mood to hear her rambling about how much she and dad love me or about how dangerous Jeffrey was. Worse yet, I wondered how my parents knew that I was watching this particular newscast. We have more than one hundred and fifty channels to choose.
I pondered about this issue for an entire month. There were additional interruptions from my mother, whenever I viewed an ‘objectionable program’. Even after I made certain to lower the volume whenever I watched a dubious program, my mother still managed to barge into my room and take the remote control. I had to find the underlying cause of this.
Finally, after 2 months living at the Garrison Apartments, the answer to my million-dollar question came. It was a beautiful early Saturday morning when I decided to open our window. Because we lived on the ground floor, it was imperative to lock the windows anytime we were gone. My parents had insisted on living on the ground floor. Because of their age and reduced mobility they were afraid what would’ve ensued in case of a fire or other emergency wherein we were forced to leave the building quickly.