“Oh, Ariel, it was so wonderful! I was really starting to wonder when the amulet would work, but I found it had been working all that time! He said he had been slowly falling in love with me almost since the day you cast that spell. And I guess I was falling in love with him too, but I didn’t want to even think about it because I thought he was maybe going to be your boyfriend.
Thank you, Ariel! Your magic worked!
“We sat in my mom’s garden for a long time, just getting closer and closer to each other. And we looked at each other and I felt things I’ve never felt before. I just melted, Ariel! It was more wonderful than I ever dreamed. It was the first time for both of us, and we made promises to each other. I knew my mom wouldn’t be home all day . . .”
As Penny spoke, I was crying inside. Something inside me was being torn apart. Something inside me was dying.
“We went really slow, like we had all the time in the world. I even remembered to use the contraceptive. We put oil all over each other . . .”
Penny told me more, but I didn’t hear it. She got the boy I wanted. It was my fault, if anyone’s. What had I done to get him? Why hadn’t I worn an amulet for love? I felt like I was sinking into a dark hole, and I wanted to cry
. . . but I couldn’t cry with Penny now. And if I couldn’t cry with her, then I couldn’t cry with anyone.
I looked at Penny. She was happy. Every freckle on her face looked happy.
I said some nice things and went home. I wanted to be alone so I could cry.
I didn’t go home. It was a Sunday afternoon and I wandered to the park, kicking at snow and ice as I walked. Part of the time I cried softly to myself.
Everything felt ruined — I never wanted to climb trees again, or run through the woods, or anything like that. Everything I saw just reminded me of wanting to be with Michael, and everything made me cry. I sat on the beach and stared at the water. The tide came up and got my pants wet. I didn’t care, but after a while I got up and walked away.
In the alder grove I found a tree I liked, leaned against it and cried. For so long I had been trying to figure out how to love Michael, and now he was gone. He was the first boy I ever loved, and he was gone. I felt so lost and empty . . .
I finally wandered home, cold and wet and hungry. I sat in the bathtub until the water got cold. When my mom asked me what was wrong at dinner, I said I couldn’t talk about it and slammed the door to my room behind me.
That next week, I moped my way through school for a few days, but finally decided I didn’t want it to ruin my life completely. I was still the leader of the Grove. I was still on the Search and Rescue team. It was my fault it had happened — I had never made any kind of claim on Michael, never told him how I felt about him. Damn it! Why hadn’t I?
I decided not to let anyone know what I was feeling. I started to talk nicely to people even though I didn’t feel nice. I learned how to live in two different worlds — nice, friendly Ariel on the outside, and all the hurt I felt on the inside that I couldn’t tell anyone about. Only when I was alone, or with Tara, did I let the darkness show on my face.
At our last candle making meeting, I could tell how happy Penny and Michael were, holding hands and touching each other. They told Issa too, but not in as much detail as Penny had told me. I said I was happy for them.
When they had all gone home, I sat and stared at the wall in my room instead of doing my homework.
At Candlemas, I asked Issa to tell us about the Jewish religion. I had tried to prepare a lesson, but found I couldn’t concentrate on it. He was shy about it at first, but when he realized we were interested, he loosened up. Actually, I just pretended to be interested.
When the chalice was filled with wine, I remembered how it had made me feel the first time. I wanted to feel that way again. After everyone had taken a small drink, I greedily gulped down the rest. For a little while it took away the rotten feeling of being one thing on the inside and another thing on the outside.
Describe what you're looking for in as much detail as you'd like.
Our AI reads your request and finds the best matching books for you.
Popular searches:
Join 2 million readers and get unlimited free ebooks