There Was Something I Had to Say (April 2024)

 

So, I'm thinking there's something really important I have to say.

 

Alright. What might that be?

 

Umh. Hold on a sec.

 

Did you lose something?

 

Sort of. I forgot what I was gonna say . . . but wait, it'll come back.

 

Ok, but don't take too long. You don't have much time.

 

Can I get back to you?

 

Like I said there isn’t a lot time left.

 

How much?

 

Can’t exactly say.

 

Why not?

 

Places to go, people to see, man. You’re not the only one.

 

Oh! So how many?

 

What’s with all these questions. If you don’t have anything to say, just say so.

 

I have to think. I’m getting frazzled. So many thoughts but none that I want right now.

 

Maybe you should write them down.

 

Well, that’s what I’ve done in the past.

 

And, how did that work?

 

Once I’d finished with what I wanted to say, I couldn’t find anyone to listen.

 

How about some of that stuff you’ve written. Wanna let me have that?

 

Umh! No, I don’t think so.

 

Why not?

 

Because there’s not enough there. It seems trivial.

 

Compared to what?

 

Compared to what I’ve heard others say.

 

You’ve got nothing new to add?

 

Well, I thought I did, but it’s gone now.

 

What makes you think it’s important . . . you know, something that you should say because it hasn’t been said before . . . at least not in the way you wanna say it?

 

It’s hard to say. It’s a feeling.

 

A feeling you can’t express in words. That’s a new one. (sarcastically)

No really. It came to me this morning around 4:15. I had to go to the bathroom to get some toothpaste. My mouth was really dry, but I wasn’t thirsty. That happens when I sleep with my mouth open or when I’m talking in my sleep.

 

How do you know? I mean, do you hear yourself talking to . . . er, yourself?

 

Yeah, I do. In the dream I’m having, I hear myself fine.

 

Do you remember anything you’ve said? For example this morning?

 

Only that it was important and shouldn’t be forgotten.

 

Ever thought of recording your thoughts on your phone?

 

Yeah, I use my cell sometimes, but most often I just can’t summon the energy to wake up enough to put anything in words.

 

And this morning?

 

Only what’s got us this far in the conversation.

 

Which sounds like something you could make up just by randomly typing something on your keypad. You know, stream of consciousness where everything is connected but not in any way that would make sense to others, like me.

 

I’ve been trying to recall what I was reading before I went to sleep last night, but it wasn’t anything particularly interesting much less important. I think it was just snatches from articles in the sports section.

How about conversations? Were there any unusual or noteworthy conversations you had or heard recently?

 

Not really. I was at the hospital having some tests run, and I spent a few hours in different waiting rooms. It was busy. There were others waiting, too. Some of the conversations were in English, but I was trying to read and ignore what was being said, so I don’t remember anything special.

 

What about expressions, you know, body language, that sorta stuff?

 

Well, you know, in the hospital, when you’re getting tests done, you watch other people and maybe imagine their situation. Why they’re there and all that. But nothing left a strong impression, at the time or later.

 

What about you? What were you thinking at the time? Like, what kinds of tests are we talking about?

 

I don’t really wanna talk about that stuff.

 

Why not?

 

It doesn’t have anything to do with why you’re here.

 

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. Let me decide.

 

No. I don’t wanna go there.

 

Well, if you won’t work with me, I can’t help you. I’m only trying to help you recover whatever it was you wanted to tell me about. You’re lucky because my schedule isn’t too tight today. I rarely have this kind of time to spend with—

Say it. Just say it! What am I—what are ‘we’—to you?

 

I can’t say.

 

Can’t or won’t?

 

Now, you’re showing aggression again. Don’t forget. I’m here at your request. I’m here to put on the record what it is that you think or feel you have discovered, that no one else has discovered. It’s all the same to me whether you talk or not.

 

Maybe you wouldn’t even think it was important—just some frail attempt to express understanding of what can’t be understood . . . by us.

 

Not to be insulting, but whatever you had to say wouldn’t for me be the epiphany that it might be for you. BUT, and I want to stress this point, whatever you had to say could be interesting for our studies and future plans.

 

Whose? Who is ‘we’?

 

You’re asking for far more than you can comprehend, which in itself is valuable, but I can’t just hand you a revelation. You wouldn’t know what to do with it if I did, and, for us, it would be meaningless for you to contemplate such matters if it didn’t originate with you.

 

So, that’s it.

 

That’s it.

 

Whatever it was that I asked you here for is still as far from recall as it was five minutes ago. Actually, it’s probably irretrievable now.

 

That happens. And billions never get to speak. We know that. And some, well, let’s put it this way—some are prolific, relatively speaking.

 

But—

 

No more ‘buts,’ I have to go now. Think about our conversation. Try again . . . if you can.