I’m not a fan of baseball but I do admit that when I see the players wearing their “throwback” uniforms, it does fill me with a certain sense of nostalgia. A yearning for a simpler time when the “boys of summer” were the only game in town.
With this in mind, I think I’m going to approach Major League Baseball with the following idea: let’s really embrace the spirit of the throwback game and broadcast it in black and white! Just imagine how cool that would look! It would be like stepping into a time machine.
And while we’re at it, make the players use the same equipment they used back in the glory days.
As a compromise for having to use inferior bats and balls, players will be allowed to openly drink in the dugouts, including shots during the seventh-inning stretch.
Perhaps the marketing departments of each team can get their cities in the swing of things by enforcing a dress code for the game! Ties, jackets, and hats would be required to sit in the stands. Hopefully, the day will be a scorcher so the crowds can truly appreciate what their ancestors put up with when they made the decision to attend a game. While some might argue that heatstroke might detract from the overall enjoyment of the contest, on the plus side, each fan in attendance will either be given either a free carton of non-filtered cigarettes or a pouch of Red Man chew (14 years old and above only).
To give the day that added touch of authenticity, we could even give all of the black, Asian, and Hispanic players the day off! This should present no real problems… assuming all of the teams have a large number of minor league affiliates to draw upon to fill their rosters.
Before you jump to the conclusion that this is in any way racist, black, Asian, and Hispanics will obviously be allowed to attend the games! Of course, certain slight modifications to the stadium will be needed to ensure that the spirit of the day is not lost on the viewers (particularly drinking fountains and bathrooms).
The cherry on top of a magical day would be a quick shot of the player’s wives hamming it up for the cameras.
Of course, some of the wives might not be exactly thrilled with the idea of having to dress up in the garb of the day but we will leave it up to the players to discuss it with them in the style of the day.
Did I forget to mention Cracker Jacks?!
Plenty of Cracker Jacks will be on hand.
Have I forgotten anything? I certainly hope not. I want to make sure my presentation to Major League Baseball is convincing. I sincerely believe that the “throwback” uniforms are just the tip of a very wistful iceberg.