III
The meetings between the 2 continued fortnightly with little progress in the plight of the suicidal entity. His doctor prescribed him some strong antidepressants but they appeared to not work as of yet. He continued to find short-term relief with illegal drugs and alcohol. Despite cutting down on the non-prescribed narcotics, he felt he couldn’t live without a few of his usual doses. This hampered his employment chances but he managed to earn a bit of cash by selling a few valuable possessions.
With his side-career as a publisher looking more unlikely to be successful the philosophical orator became despondent and made a concerted effort to concentrate on studying and giving seminars. His sleep patterns became more erratic as he pushed himself towards a higher understanding of all his accumulated knowledge. Long walks in the evening became more frequent and he felt fitter than he'd been for years. Individual meetings between himself and others became something of a hindrance but he carried on relentlessly, hoping new ideas would pop into his head when he least expected.
There was a knock upon the door.
“Come in!” shouted the philosopher.
“Hi, it’s only me.” It was the suicidal entity for another appointment.
“Oh yes. Sit down. Sorry I forgot you were coming today. Been feeling better lately?” was asked.
“Not really. I’ve been to the doctor like you asked but the medicine doesn’t seem to work. I’m fed up.”
“Give it time. Drugs like these take time to build up in your system and change your physiology. Keep seeing your doctor regularly and start exercising or get a new hobby”
“What’s the point!” exclaimed the entity.
“What’s the point? Well what’s the point of anything, I ask you!” the philosopher contemplated expounding The Myth of Sisyphus but he grew weary of the situation and wondered aloud:
“So what have you been doing with your time, honestly?”.
“Not a lot to be honest. I get stoned every day, drink a few times a week and still occasionally take other stuff. I’ve only been out of the house a few times. I can’t seem to find anything to do apart from watching TV”.
“Do you see friends and family often?”
“Not really, like I’ve said I haven’t got the motivation to see anyone. It took a lot of effort to come here today.”
“I see”, came the philosopher’s reply. The suicidal entity felt uneasy in his languorousness and tried to defend his lifestyle.
“I would try and make an effort with people and relationships but I just have a lot of resentment for a lot of people, it gets to the point where I hate everyone. Especially myself. I can’t help it. What else can I do?”
“Well you’ve got to remember a lot of people have such feelings. I too have intrusive feelings of contempt, revulsion and borderline hate for many people..” he looked right into the suicidal entity's eyes “..but I try and put things into perspective to not solidify my hate. That’s how you can keep a rational sense of the world we live in. You say you hate everyone but I really doubt you hate six billion people right now, all equally”.
“Well I guess I can’t hate everyone. I know its unreasonable to hate everyone and I can think of exceptions where I actually like someone but I just feel despondent about my situation. I must hate myself and I think I don’t belong in this society. I really do hate myself”
“You’ve clearly a large capacity for pain which results in your discontentedness. Again I stress the importance of re-conditioning your cognitive functions. Making changes to your lifestyle and trying to think about different things. Have you ever been to a cognitive behavioural therapist?
“Sort of. Some group sessions. Do you think I should see one individually?”
“Yes. Go to your doctor and get referred. I think you’ll benefit by seeing one, it may help you come out of the vicious circle of behaviour and thoughts that you are in now. Though the absenteeism in mental health professions is notably high from stress-related conditions... but maybe that's a statistical aberrance”
“OK I’ll try and get round to seeing one soon.” With that the suicidal entity gazed onto the floor, twiddling his thumbs. He had trouble paying attention to the ramblings of the philosopher, which kept coming.
“You’re not a lone in this malady. Conscious thought which temporalizes our experience is the key to all human mental suffering. If we cannot process time, which is central to our consciousness and we constantly remember memories of feelings, there is little surprise when we find ourselves in a cloud of despair on occasions.” The suicidal entity blankly looked at the philosopher and an awkward silence commenced. The philosopher sighed and continued.
“Flow of time in our minds becomes the basis for our thoughts. Feedback mechanisms are helping your depression progress; de-constructing some of your thoughts and knowing why you think in certain ways will help you to improve. Stop trying to read people’s minds. Try not to think about how you are perceived in situations. Take your time when making decisions. Exercise regularly and try eating protein rich meals with plenty of omega-3 in your diet. Almonds and fish are good. I really can’t say much more. I’m repeating myself a lot. Are you listening?”
“Well not exactly. Could you write it down for me?”, the suicidal entity replied.
“OK, I’ll get some notes done for you by next time if you insist. This really goes beyond what I’m usually willing to do for people. If you can’t help yourself then I’m not going to be the one to hold your hand, do you understand?”. The suicidal entity nodded but this wasn’t enough for the philosopher who became incensed at the inability of the entity to motivate himself. He knew the difficulty of drag yourself out of such a situation but he also knew that the possibilities to change were overwhelmingly great.
“Could you get in touch with my doctor for referral to cognitive therapy?”, the suicidal entity had the audacity to ask.
“I really can’t. That’s for you to arrange. Now if you could please leave, I’ve got more important matters to take care of. Bye!”, the philosopher said abruptly.
This took the suicidal entity by surprise as it became evident that the philosopher had been angered by something. A slow departure, grated on the philosopher even more but he bit his lip and didn’t say another word. He could have knocked the suicidal entity to the ground and bitten his jaw until it was red and sore. The philosopher decided against this course of action after he considered the pre-conceived ideas concerning the relationship of the wavelength of light and pain (or the effect his bite would have on someone’s nervous system).
The philosopher watched as the suicidal entity’s eyes welled up with tears, though there was little chance of the tears bursting forth. However, upon closing the door behind him, the suicidal entity started to weep. With a concerted effort, he suppressed the need to cry and wiped away the tears that had collected in his eyes and nostrils.