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Contents

STORIES FROM THE EAST .................................................................................... 6

SANTA’S GIFT FOR DR. PETER DASZAK .............................................................................................6

LEAVING HUE ............................................................................................................................... 24

LIJIAN: PORTRAIT OF A WUMAO ................................................................................................... 36

FAN BING BING SUCKS OFF THE BOOGEYMAN............................................................................... 55

NIGHT OUT IN WUHAN ................................................................................................................. 68

PERDITION IN BANGKOK .............................................................................................................. 90

BANGKOK DURING THE PLAGUE ................................................................................................. 110

WHORES AND JOHNS IN BANGKOK ............................................................................................. 116

LOAN SHARK CAPITAL ................................................................................................................ 133

TAXI RIDE IN SHANGHAI ............................................................................................................. 138

YOU SHOULD FIND A HUSBAND .................................................................................................. 140

BESTIALITY BRO AT THE ONSEN SPA IN TOKYO ............................................................................ 154

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF XI JINPING ................................................................................................. 167

A WEREWOLF IN BURMA ............................................................................................................ 172

SHANGHAIED!!!! ........................................................................................................................ 180

A JUMP TO HEAVEN’S GATE ........................................................................................................ 191

CELEBRITIES IN THE NIGHT .......................................................................................................... 211

THE SENSITIVITY READER CUTS HIS OWN PENIS .......................................................................... 215

MOTORBIKES, MOTORBIKES, MOTORBIKES ................................................................................ 219

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? ..................................................................................................... 221

JOB AT NANA PLAZA ................................................................................................................... 241

STRANGER IN BANGKOK ............................................................................................................. 286

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VAMPIRE DYNASTY .................................................................................................................... 294

BIG WAVE .................................................................................................................................. 296

FANG FANG’S FRIEND ................................................................................................................. 298

THE HAZE ................................................................................................................................... 302

HOSTAGE SITUATION (RED RAIN 1) ............................................................................................. 304

JUST AS YOU FALL ASLEEP (RED RAIN 2) ...................................................................................... 306

BANGKOK SLEEP (RED RAIN 3) .................................................................................................... 309

ACCIDENT ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF SHANGHAI .............................................................................. 311

I HAS A BUCKET .......................................................................................................................... 314

THE KAREN AND AXL ROSE ......................................................................................................... 315

ALIEN IMMIGRATION TO THE IMPERIAL CITY .............................................................................. 350

BANGKOK VOODOO DOLL APP ................................................................................................... 356

KILLING MR. POTATO HEAD ........................................................................................................ 365

BANGKOK BAIT AND SWITCH ...................................................................................................... 369

IF I WERE A UYGHUR .................................................................................................................. 378

STORIES FROM THE WEST ............................................................................... 382

#SPOILER ALERT! ........................................................................................................................ 382

GOLFING WITH MICHAEL JORDAN .............................................................................................. 386

THE RUSSIAN SNAKE CHARMER .................................................................................................. 388

MAN WITH A PONYTAIL .............................................................................................................. 393

I’VE BEEN SIGNING NIGERIAN SPAMMERS UP TO GAY PORN WEBSITES ....................................... 396

BUM BASHING ........................................................................................................................... 399

SOPHIE’S CHOICE ........................................................................................................................ 402

AFTER SCHOOL ........................................................................................................................... 408

LET LIONS RUN LOOSE IN THE CITY STREETS ................................................................................ 417

GENDER FLUID ........................................................................................................................... 423

TERRORISTS ON MONKEY BARS .................................................................................................. 426

THE GRASS IS GREENER BY THE GRAVEYARD ............................................................................... 428

HUNTING THE MONSTER ............................................................................................................ 431

WELCOMING THE JUNGLE ........................................................................................................... 432

LETTER TO A DEAD MAN ............................................................................................................. 435

MIGOS SONGS ............................................................................................................................ 438

MOTORWAY TO BRISTOL ............................................................................................................ 440

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HOW TO SPOT A DEAD TREE ....................................................................................................... 444

DOOR DASH ............................................................................................................................... 445

LOCAL GRAVESTONES BEGIN DISAPPEARING ............................................................................... 448

JOB INTERVIEW WITH AN ASSHOLE ............................................................................................. 451

A TALE OF TWO BROTHERS: THE LIBERAL AND THE CONSERVATIVE ............................................. 455

RUNNING AWAY TO BHUTAN ..................................................................................................... 460

SCENE ON A TRAIN ..................................................................................................................... 466

PLAYING TAG WITH THE GHOST OF DWAYNE HASKINS ................................................................ 467

RHAPSODIZING THOUGHTS ........................................................................................................ 469

SLOW-MOVING HORROR SHOW ................................................................................................. 470

SHANIA TWAIN HILLBILLY NIGHTMARE ....................................................................................... 471

KANYE AND Q AT BROKEN CONDOM BEACH ............................................................................... 481

FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK .............................................................................................................. 488

DEFUND THE POLICE!!! ............................................................................................................... 491

DUDE! YOU FUCKING PISSED ON ME! .......................................................................................... 501

THE TIME MACHINE OF HER THOUGHTS ...................................................................................... 504

HOME ALONE KIDS GETS CANCELED ............................................................................................ 511

I SHOT MY TEACHER ................................................................................................................... 515

FEAR OF THE FEAR OF FLYING ..................................................................................................... 521

MIDDLE SCHOOL FRIEND ............................................................................................................ 524

SPONTANEOUS OUTBURSTS OF DANCING ................................................................................... 526

THE GREEN BANDIT .................................................................................................................... 527

JACK DORSEY YOGA DREAM ....................................................................................................... 528

CONFESSIONS OF AN ARSONIST .................................................................................................. 532

PARENTS GOT PISSED ON IN TIMES SQUARE ............................................................................... 541

WE WERE FAGS .......................................................................................................................... 544

HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE ....................................................................................................... 553

PUNK ROCK GIRL ........................................................................................................................ 556

THE RIGHT PRIVILEGE ................................................................................................................. 561

ED SHEERAN FAN POLTERGEIST .................................................................................................. 567

NO COMPLAINTS AT THIS PRICE .................................................................................................. 580

THE ULTIMATE FUCK TRUDEAU SELFIE ........................................................................................ 583

WHY I ROBBED A JEWELRY STORE ............................................................................................... 588

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2002 .......................................................................................................................................... 594

TO CATCH A THIEF… AND THEN HOLD THE ASSHOLE HOSTAGE .................................................... 595

JEW FOR JESUS ........................................................................................................................... 607

POETRY ........................................................................................................... 618

YOU! .......................................................................................................................................... 618

POSITIVITY IN A NOPE ................................................................................................................ 622

BARBIE GIRL ............................................................................................................................... 624

CORONAVIRUS PATIENT ZERO .................................................................................................... 628

MOON MAN ............................................................................................................................... 632

PERSPECTIVE .............................................................................................................................. 634

HOMELAND OF THE NEW MAN ................................................................................................... 635

CANCEL CULTURE ....................................................................................................................... 637