As we approach the third question in this section of the handout, I realize that when discussing the handout up until this point, we have already examined the third question asking for continuing self-awareness in communication:
"What are my underlying wants, needs, or values (usually what you wanted to happen or were afraid wouldn't happen) that contribute to our feelings?"
These underlying wants and the rest take two forms. We find them in our authentic desire to reach to the I/Thou, the moral sphere, the ends principle, and the unconditional. We also find them in an inauthentic form which concerns itself with our material identity and our ego that defends our identity based on unquestioned meaning perspectives. Our authentic needs and desires lead us toward individuation and the becoming self. Our inauthentic but strongly felt needs and desires, through the meaning perspectives from whence they come, lead us into the dominator model, conformity and competition. Even in situations where we seek the unconditional from someone about who we care deeply, we choose to fall into the habits of mind: communication patterns of position power, competition, and confrontation. We demand. We control. We fight. We work so hard at defending our identity that we don't realize we are actually doing damage to ourselves and to the others with whom we compete—even those about whom we care deeply. That competition disallows our giving or receiving the unconditional. We abandon Compassionate Communication and what follows can escalate into something quite painful, harmful, and nearly inevitable. We feel that we have lost our ability, our power to choose how we respond, and leap full blown into struggle.
After some time of not expressing her feelings and needs, Polly says to Mack, 'The other day, you told me to shut up, and I really feel hurt about that. You just don't want to hear what I have to say." Polly has made a statement which may well form an interpretation and diagnosis. This brings the conversation to an unhappy brink because she has left Compassionate Communication behind; however, she did speak a truth of her own. She declares her feelings and wants her feelings recognized and respected. We all do. Still, we are halfway to a fight. Mack can choose how he responds, as Polly could have. He chooses to compete. Mack responds out of his hurt, fearful, and defensive self: "I never said that." Polly wants to ask for a reassurance of his unconditional regard for her, albeit badly, so she chooses to say something accusatory. He feels her accusatory lack of regard threatens him, so he defends himself and implicitly tells her that she is lying. It never happened. You made it up. Now we have a fight. In that this fight will not address what it needs to address, the original misunderstanding of what Mack intended to say and what Polly heard him say. The fight will concern itself with who is right and who is wrong. It will become of a fight not over substance, as generally fights don't. It will concern itself with who wins and who loses. If it ends on that note, one of them wins and one of them loses, the fight will simmer below the surface until another occasion arises and this fight will return to give even greater energy to the next. The loser will not, as they say, take the first loss lying down.
Such fighting does not come inevitably as it often feels. When we can address our authentic feelings after some critical reflection, we can express ourselves in ways that leave the compassionate and the unconditional in place and still have our needs fulfilled. Indeed, the chances come much higher when we do so. If Polly, had told Mack that she thought she heard him tell her to shut up, but she knows he cares about her, so it must be a misunderstanding, Mack would respond in kind. He can regret her sadness and tell her he would never mean to say that. The actual cause of the difficulty would get addressed immediately with every hope of a caring resolution. Even after Polly spoke in the way she chose, Mack could have made another choice. He could forget that he felt attacked. He could choose his response. If he chooses his response out of his real affection for Polly, he will respond in the same way as above. He would acknowledge her feelings, regret what she heard, and reassure her that he would never intend to convey that message. When our first response comes from our compassion in that communication, our chances of fulfilling the needs of those involved will happen far more frequently than not.