We search for the becoming self, and every time we engage our meaning perspectives, question and critically reflect on them, we always gain in that search. When we question, we may find value in some meaning perspective we held. The change comes in transforming the unquestioned meaning perspective into a conscious perspective thus increasing our awareness. With that awareness, we can use that perspective in a way that doesn't limit our thinking. With such a conscious awareness, we can also keep an open mind about what we see in the world, how we respond to it, and how we act in accordance. In that way, the formerly unquestioned, unyielding meaning perspectives transforms into our critically reflective becoming self—out of the past and into the present and future.
You can find that idea imbedded in the language above. Language reflects, expresses, and enacts thoughts. In my case, I have questioned and critically examined the use of language that reflects violence or serves as violent metaphors. Due to that shift in my perception, I used the word "engage" above and not "confront." The word "confront" generally implies an enemy and some form of combat or struggle. The word "engage" signifies something more understanding. When I combat someone or something, I work within a dominator model and my position power in order to win or beat the other. When I engage, I look for a cooperative and collaborative effort which comes to a shared solution. When dealing with our whole being, we can choose to see our ego and identity as enemies within us which we must beat or even destroy. In that way, we might want to confront those parts of ourselves. However, they do not exist as enemies but vital elements of our whole being with which we engage to maintain and increase development generally and specially in the becoming self. Any form of attack on elements of our whole being implies an ugly dualism and leads inevitably to unnecessary harm. That brings us back to the dominator meaning perspective: no gain without pain and loss.
In the examples I write about above, we find no loss or pain unless someone chooses to find it there, to produce it. That negative choice always hovers around the edges of critical moments. We can always respond to the opportunity of the critical moment with anger at ourselves and others. That brings us back to choosing to punish ourselves and others for what we should have known before we could have known. I could have gotten angry at my mother for her meaning perspective about my hair. She never quite got over my letting it curl, but that was a meaning perspective she didn't question. I did, and I found myself liberated from unnecessary work and allowed my authentic physical self to become acceptable to me. In that way, I brought me closer to my authentic self in general, to the becoming self. It also liberated me many years later from making meaning perspective based demands on Gavin, the child once in my care and now an adult in his own care.[118]
I saw many men take considerable umbrage when the women in their lives returned to school and found new levels of their becoming self. That umbrage led to conflict and often marital collapse. Professor Mezirow paid attention to Edie, took an interest, and found himself experiencing transformative learning which became the core of his life's work from then on.
When my former student found himself engaged in valuing his own work in our classes, he took that as an opportunity to revalue himself and all his work in school and in his life. He found that he wanted to express himself honestly when he valued his work and himself. He also saw he had cheated himself of that honest effort in school and in his life generally because he unquestioningly abided by a meaning perspective that caused him to choose to doubt his abilities in mind and spirit. Instead of punishing himself for his past mistakes, he took the new vision and made substantial and continuing positive choices in his personal and professional lives.
Whenever anyone chose to respond, "That would be wonderful" to the question I asked: "What would happen if you found out that every negative thought and feeling you ever had about yourself were unfounded, unfair, and untrue?" they gained a new vision of themselves and the story of their past. They saw new possibilities in the present and the future by choosing to question the previously unquestioned, limiting and diminishing meaning perspective and choose a new and helpful one for the present and future. Once again, from all these stories we see all gain and no loss.