MISTAKE #1:
Rambling On About Boring Topics
When it’s your turn to speak in a conversation, do you ever pay attention to the length of time it takes you to say what you want?
Furthermore, do you ever ask yourself this very important question:
“Is this person even interested in hearing about what I’m saying?”
If you’re taking more than 10-20 seconds to say what you want, you’re heading into the danger zone. Unless you’re an engaging speaker talking on a subject you know is important to the other person, you are going to quickly bore them and outwear your welcome.
People hate to have others launch into long-winded rants on subjects they have absolutely no interest in.
What they’re really thinking is this:
“You are so dull and boring, you’re putting me to sleep. Do you really think I’m even interested in what you’re talking about? Has the question even crossed your mind, or are you really just that selfish to focus the conversation on what you want to talk about at my expense?”
Instead of rambling, learn to gauge the other person’s interest. Bring up the topic and talk about it for 10-20 seconds. All this while watch their body language and pay attention to how they’re receiving your message.
If they don’t seem engaged or they don’t ask questions about the topic, that’s a sure sign that they’re not interested in hearing any more about what you’re talking about.
So drop the subject and change the topic to something else that might interest them.
But don’t force them to humor you, unless you want to earn their hidden contempt.
MISTAKE #2:
Starting Arguments Over Opinions
When you discover someone has an opposing viewpoint than your own, do you ever use this as your opportunity to jump in and argue with them by refuting their opinion and introducing your best counter-arguments?
If so, what do you hope to get out of the situation?
I bet you just feel the urge to prove the other person wrong to satisfy your need to be right and to “conquer” them, right?
But why?
Is it stubbornness, egotism, and vanity motivating this kind of behavior?
And furthermore, what kind of results does arguing with people over a mere difference of opinions produce?
Here’s how people really respond to you getting into arguments with them over differing viewpoints:
“You’ve turned yourself into my adversary, and now I feel the need to defend myself and argue my position against you. I’m going to make it my mission now to beat you by proving you wrong and that I am right. You’re my enemy in this situation now, not my friend.”
Most arguments grow into heated debates where emotions run high. People then start holding the other person in contempt and looking on them with dislike and disdain.
But you don’t want that, do you?
So avoid getting into arguments over differences of opinion.
It accomplishes nothing.
Why not simply accept that not everyone is not going to think the same way we do, and that’s okay?
MISTAKE #3:
Whining and Complaining
Do you ever unload your problems on other people or gripe and complain about what’s wrong with the world and practically force them to listen to your complaints and son stories?
If so, have you ever asked yourself why you do this?
What we want is sympathy and understanding, isn’t it?
But do we even get that?
You’ve probably already discovered that when you
complain to people, most of them just politely nod and listen, and punctuate the conversation by saying, “Oh, that’s so sad” or “I feel so bad for you”.
But what they’re really thinking is a different matter...
“You think your problems are so bad, huh? Well, guess what – I have problems too. We all have problems. Get used to it! What makes you think your problems are so much more important or worse than others? Do I really have to sit here and listen to you bitch and complain? You’re such a victim! Take some responsibility for yourself and your life.”
Of course, they’re never going to tell us that. But that’s likely what’s really running through their heads when we complain at them endlessly.
So stop whining and complaining about your trivial problems.
If you’re not even looking for a solution, will doing this solve them?
Nope.
So what good comes of dumping our problems and complaints on others, only to greatly bore and irritate them?
Nothing.
I would cut this kind of behavior out of your communication.
MISTAKE #4:
Trying to Make Converts
Most of us have had the experience of being introduced to some form of knowledge or practice that we found beneficial.
And how do some us act after this happens?
Don’t we often start preaching and promoting our new-found “magic bullet” to everyone we talk to in an attempt to “enlighten” them?
Don’t we start trying to persuade and make converts out of our friends and family?
But does it work?
Nope, it just greatly irritates and annoys them. What they really think is this:
“You have no respect for my choices and opinions. You think you’re right, but I think you’re wrong. And the more you try to sway me over to your way of thinking, the more resistant and defiant I’m going to become. Not to mention I’m going to generate resentment towards you for being so pushy and treating me like I’m an ignorant fool!”
Accept people for what they choose to believe or how they choose to behave.
If you try to change them, you’re communicating that you don’t accept them for who they are. You’re telling them you reject them for wherever they may be at in life.
Instead, I recommend finding other people who are already into what you’re into, instead of trying to reform others who aren’t.
After all, if we investigate our true motives here, isn’t it because we want people to share our views and practices?
They’re out there.
MISTAKE #5:
Playing Other Peoples’ Therapists
Do you ever inquire and stick your nose into other peoples’ affairs and meddle in their business?
For example, when someone starts bitching and complaining about their problems, do you make yourself a “shoulder to cry on” and act like you’re their therapist?
If so, what’s the reason you think you do this? It’s because you want to help them out, right? But does it?
And how are they really responding to this kind of behavior?
We must realize that people have boundaries, and they have things they need to hold themselves accountable for – otherwise, we end up co-depending on others. And that isn’t healthy, for either party.
So how do people react when we meddle in their affairs?
Here’s what they’re really thinking:
“I hate it when you stick your nose in my affairs! It’s none of your business! Just let me work out my own issues, okay? If I want your help or input, I will ask. It really irritates me when you cross that unspoken line with me. In fact, it pisses me off that you’re trying to “fix” me, as if I’m broken! I’m not broken!”
Some people will actually welcome this kind of behavior, but remember that these are people who play victim and only do it to draw attention to themselves.
Don’t go for that.
Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t take an active interest in peoples’ affairs. That’s what friendship is about. But when we meddle, it crosses the line.
Resolve to give people their private space.
MISTAKE #6:
Finding Fault with People
When people don’t conform to your wishes or standards, do you ever criticize and condemn them, hoping it will get them to change?
If so, does it work?
Or do people just start arguing with you or defending and explaining themselves?
Taking this approach usually leads to a full-blown argument, doesn’t it?
And you want to know what people really think when you criticize them?
“You are such a jerk! No one’s perfect, including yourself. We all make mistakes and have hang-ups. Who the hell are you to nitpick and criticize my supposed faults? You’re too blind to see your own faults and what you contribute to this relationship – one of which is your very judgmental and critical attitude!”
If criticizing people doesn’t work to get them to change, why do it – especially when it generates resentment, and leads to arguments no one is going to win.
If you want to bring out the best in people, compliment them and give them praise when they do things right.
That’s what actually works to bring about positive, constructive change in others.
Criticizing people doesn’t. So I would avoid it!
MISTAKE #7:
Trash-Talking People Behind Their Backs
When you make conversation with people, how often do you spend that time talking or discussing other people?
And when you do do this, do you ever do it in a critical, judgmental or condescending way that makes the person you’re talking about look bad?
We seem to have an innate desire to discuss other people and what they’ve done or been up to – but where do we draw the line?
You want to know what smart people really think of you for your negative gossiping?
“This person is trash-talking our friend (or whoever) behind their back. So that means there’s a good chance they also gossip about me with other people behind my back. I really don’t trust you now, and I’ve lost a lot of respect for you, because I don’t appreciate being dissed behind my back where I can’t even defend myself.”
If you must talk about other people, be neutral – not critical and negative.
A good rule of thumb to use is this:
Never say anything about anybody behind their back that you wouldn’t have the courage to say to their face.
Being a bitter gossip will eventually give you a bad reputation and start repelling people.
I would avoid it.
MISTAKE #8:
Being Nosy and Asking Too Many Questions
Being a great conversationalist involves taking an interest in the other person and asking questions, but do you ever take it too far?
Do you ever ask one question, receive the answer, then ask a completely unrelated question – you know, like 20 questions?
Perhaps you think you’re getting to know the other person, but are you aware of how they’re responding to you internally?
If we take this approach, the other person is going to feel like we’re interrogating them.
Needless to say, that’s not a pleasant feeling to have.
Here’s what people really think when you “interrogate” them:
“You are super nosy! And it’s annoying. Not only that, by the fact that you keep changing the topic, I can tell that you’re not even really interested in hearing my answers, or we’d stay on one topic. When you act invasive like this, it makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I’ll play along so as not to rock the boat.”
Again, asking questions is an essential tool in being a great conversationalist. However, it must be done in a tactful way.
A key to remember is to stay on one topic for a while, instead of jumping all over the place in a scatter-brained fashion.
If you don’t want to make someone feel like they’re being interrogated by a police officer over a crime, do not ask one unrelated question after another or before the trust has been established.
MISTAKE #9:
Bragging About Yourself and Showing Off
We all want to be approved of and accepted, but do you ever try to make a favourable impression on others by bragging and boasting about yourself, your achievements, or your flaunting your money or possessions?
If you do, you may think this will impress people.
But guess what?
It does not.
In fact, it has the exact opposite effect on people.
We may think that bragging about ourselves and showing off will paint us in a good light by demonstrating our assets, but people interpret our efforts drastically differently.
Here’s what they really think:
“You are such a big douchebag! You think you’re so incredible, way more amazing than you actually are. And you think you’re better than other people, too, which is a real turn-off.”
Boasting just makes people think we’re egotistical and conceited, which, if we do it, we probably are.
That needs to change.
If you really want to impress people, let them discover your assets for themselves. Don’t deprive them of discovering how great you are or what you can achieve all by themselves.
That’s impressive … when you’re humble about what you’re good at.
So I wouldn’t brag and boast about anything.
MISTAKE #10:
Giving Unsolicited Advice
When people dump their problems on you or you see they have a problem, do you ever respond by offering them advice they never asked for?
It’s going to help them, isn’t it? Well, guess what?
Most people hate unsolicited advice. They find it offensive.
When we give people advice they didn’t ask for, we’re framing ourselves in the “superior” role to the other person, and they interpret this as you being condescending and patronizing to them … a major turn-off.
Here’s what they really think:
“So you think I’m incompetent, don’t you? I mean, I never asked you for your advice, and I find it off-putting that you’re meddling and sticking your nose in my affairs and treating me like I can’t take care of myself. You think you have all the answers, don’t you? Besides, who are you to give me advice? What accomplishments do you have to your credit that makes you qualified to speak on the subject?”
Resolve to never give people advice without first getting their permission.
If they didn’t ask for it, or they didn’t make it clear they welcome it, don’t do it.
They’ll just think you think they’re incompetent.
No one likes to feel that way.
MISTAKE #11:
Bossing and Ordering People Around
When you want someone to do something, do you ever do it by ordering them to do it?
Instead of asking them, do you ever bark commands at them?
Here’s the thing…
It works. Especially if you oversee other people, most of the time they will comply with your orders.
But guess what?
They’re only doing it because their livelihood depends on it or you provide value to them in some way.
Here’s the other thing…
Even though they may do what you command, they will resent you for bossing them around. Everyone likes to think they choose their decisions and the way they act. But when we boss others around, it makes people feel like they lose that.
And that’s what generates the resentment.
Here’s what people really think of you if you order them around:
“You are such a control freak! You get off on trying to exercise your authority over others. You get off on having people do what you want them to. Your thirst for power makes me resent you. I’m not your little slave!”
If you want someone to do something for you, always ask them!
“Would you ... do this?” or “I’d like you to ... do that.”
Never order or command, unless you’re in a
leadership position where orders need to be carried out fast and you use a pleasant voice tone and add a “please” into it.
MISTAKE #12:
Nagging People to Get Your Way
When people don’t do what you want, do you ever repeatedly tell them to do it until they finally “cave in” and do it?
It works a lot of the time, doesn’t?
But at what cost – do you ever think about that?
When we nag people, we may end up getting them to do what we want them to, but we also sacrifice something by doing.
What exactly?
Their respect.
If being respected by people is important to you, resolve to never nag people when they don’t do what you want.
Because you want to know what people really think when you nag them:
“You are such a pest! I hate you getting on my case. It’s incredibly annoying. And the only reason I’m going to do what you want is to shut you up. I’ll feel resentful doing what you want, but it’s better than having to listen to you repeatedly bug me about it. I’ll just fume the whole time I’m doing what you want, and then some.”
There are great ways to get people to happily do what we want.
Nagging isn’t one of them!
Don’t make a pest of yourself and lose the respect of others by nagging people.
Find better ways to get what you want, instead of resorting to pestering people until they give in to your wishes.
MISTAKE # 13:
Always Having to Prove You’re Right
Do you ever find yourself jumping into conversations to show people that you have the right answers concerning the topic at hand?
If so, what do you think motivates this kind of behavior?
Why do you have this urge to be “right” and let everyone know it?
And how do you think other people respond to this?
You may think it impresses people to demonstrate that you have a lot of knowledge, but guess what?
They don’t share your viewpoint.
In fact, it’s a major turn-off to them.
No one likes a “know-it-all”.
What people really think is this:
“You think you know everything, don’t you? You just have to prove to me and everyone that you’re a super knowledgeable person. But you’re not, because your understanding of people sucks. But you’re clueless about that! You’re socially inept, and you have no idea. I think you’re a joke, but I’m never going to tell you that.”
What most impresses people is when you don’t try to impress them.
Any time we deliberately try to impress others with our abilities, achievements, or knowledge, all we accomplish is the opposite!
So stop trying to show-off how smart you think you are.
Because guess what? You’re not fooling anyone.
You may not know it, but they see right through you, and they resent what you’re doing.
I would avoid this kind of behavior at all costs.
MISTAKE #14:
Explaining Things to People Like They’re Stupid
Have you ever noticed yourself explaining things to others when they didn’t seem to have the knowledge you were attempting to impart to them?
This is more common among men, and has earned the title of “Mansplaining”.
Using your reason, you may think you’re enlightening them, but is that the message they receive when you do this?
We humans are emotional creatures, and we respond to the meaning behind the communication we encounter.
And guess what kind emotion explaining things to people without their permission brings out in them?
Resentment.
Why?
Because when we explain things to people in this way, it comes off condescending to them, like we think they’re stupid.
And who likes people treating them like they’re retarded?
Here’s what people really think when you treat them this way:
“You think I’m a dumb little incompetent person, don’t you? And you think you’re so smart and doing me a great favour by enlightening me and curing me of my ignorance, huh? I resent you for viewing me that way, and following-up by treating me like I’m stupid. You don’t understand people one bit, you useless douchebag.”
If you want to win love and respect, never explain how things work to people in your conversations – unless they ask or show an interest in what you know.
But never push yourself on them in this way.
All you’ll win is their resentment.
MISTAKE #15:
Clinging and Being Emotionally Dependent
Do you ever call or text people repeatedly, even though they’re not responding to you?
Or do you go out of your way to give people your time and attention, hoping to win their love and affection through such displays?
Perhaps you think you’re proving what a “good” or “valuable” person you are in an attempt to win them over, but is that the case for them on the receiving end?
Is that what they conclude, based on this behavior?
People don’t respect people who don’t respect themselves.
And guess what you’re communicating when you act clingy with other people and desperate for their time and attention?
You’re communicating that the other person is more important and more valuable than yourself.
You’re telling them that winning their love and affection is more important to you than your own self-respect.
You’re conveying to them that your self-respect can be “purchased”.
None of these things are good.
What people really think when you act clingy is this:
“Wow, you’re emotionally dependent on me! You’re insecure with yourself. You derive your value from me, not yourself. And I don’t want to have that kind of pressure in my life. Not only that, it’s really annoying that you don’t have the patience to let me respond on my own time. You’re so eager! And it’s pissing me off.”
People respect others when they respect themselves.
Being clingy and desperate demonstrates to others that we lack self-respect, and if we lack it, they won’t give us respect in return.
So I would avoid being clingy and desperate. Control your emotions.
MISTAKE #16:
Making People Feel Guilty to Get What You Want
When you want something from someone, do you ever try to make them feel guilty in order to get them to give it to you?
Do you slap a “guilt trip” on them?
Yes, if you’re dealing with someone who has no backbone, it definitely gets results. It often gets you what you want.
But at what cost?
And is it a price you’re really willing to pay?
No one likes to feel negative emotions, like fear, shame and guilt.
The reason guilt trips work is because it makes people feel badly in the moment, and in order to relieve themselves of that negative feeling, they give what is wanted of them.
Talk about manipulation, huh?
Here’s what people really think when you guilt trip them:
“You’re trying to make me feel sorry for you, and like I owe you something – even though I don’t. I don’t like feeling guilt, especially when I haven’t done anything wrong. And that’s exactly what you’re trying to do to me. I resent you for playing with my emotions and trying to use them against me, all for your own selfish reasons.”
Again, there are ways to get people to happily do what you want.
Guilt-tripping them isn’t one of them!
If you don’t want to arouse other peoples’ anger and resentment, don’t seek to manipulate them.
They will despise you for it.
MISTAKE #17:
Correcting People when They Make Mistakes
When you notice people make mistakes, like mispronouncing a word or something, do you ever jump in to correct them?
If so, why do you think you have this need to be right? Why do you have the urge to correct them?
Are you aware of what it really accomplishes?
It just turns them off and generates resentment.
Why?
Because you embarrassed them.
Perhaps I’m stating the obvious, but none of us feel very good about being embarrassed, do we?
Here’s what people really think when you correct them:
“You are such a hardass! Everyone makes mistakes and isn’t right all the time. But the fact that you pointed it out and embarrassed me makes me resent you. You’re one of those annoying people who always has to be right, aren’t you? No thanks.”
There certainly is a time to correct people, like if they mispronounce your name, and not correcting them now will set them up for more embarrassment in the future.
The key here is to avoid embarrassing people.
So if you understand what someone means, even though they’re not totally correct, leave it alone.
You got what they were saying, so there’s no reason to make an issue of it.
MISTAKE #18:
Competing and Trying to Outdo Others
Do you ever try to “one up” other people – you know, do you compete with them and try to prove or demonstrate that you’re better than them or better at something than they are?
If you do, have you considered that part of the reason you do this is maybe because you see them as a threat to your ego in some way?
Do you think you compete with people, and not like a fun game or sport, but seriously, because you’re insecure about your own sense of worth as a person?
Is it because, unless you can outdo someone else who excels, you’ll feel unworthy?
If you take time to consider these questions, you will eventually come to these conclusions.
But how do others respond to you competing with them?
I’ll give you a hint: It’s not positive.
Here’s what people really think about you when you compete with others:
“Wow, you are a big douchebag! And are you ever insecure. Do you really gauge your sense of personal value based on being better than others and out-performing them? You reek of insecurity, and I want to get away from you as soon as the opportunity presents itself.”
Unless you’re playing in good fun, never compete with others.
This is more than simply changing a behavior. It’s really about deriving your value from yourself, rather than comparing yourself to others and then making a judgment about your self-worth based on how you fare in relation to them.
Competing will make people think you’re very insecure with yourself.
I would stay away from it.
MISTAKE #19:
Mooching Off Others
Do you ever ask people for things t