Introduction
The path of negativity is a path toward death. You may be in the thick of darkness right now. I know how it can be, that’s why I’m writing this message right now. I had a wrong-minded view of the world, and I suffered as a consequence. I was mostly functional, meaning I could still take care of my minimum responsibilities in the world, such as school and work. Yet, at times I would go into darkness to the point of suicidal thoughts, especially in the winters.
Sometimes I would spend over 10 hours a day on the computer. After I tried to find the answers to life by trying marijuana, I developed panic disorder and a dissociative disorder called depersonalization/derealization. I was hospitalized and medicated. The anxiety and depersonalization attacks were very traumatic for me. Earlier in my life, I couldn’t imagine that it would have been possible to live in such terror. I didn’t want the answers to life anymore...I just wanted to feel normal again. The medication caused more problems such as rage attacks. Later, my medication was taken off the market for minors because it was shown to cause suicidal thoughts. Luckily, I had enough of a sense of autonomy to take myself off of the medication, even before this was known.
Social anxiety and introversion have always affected me, making it difficult for me to connect with others or “put myself out there” in social situations. As a result, I went through college without a social life. I spent hours a day alone in my room singing songs with my guitar. Even though music was cathartic for me, I also romanticized the victim story of myself through the sadness of the music. I went through cycles. Times weren’t always bad. I met an amazing woman, but we argued a lot. Then I became infected with a debilitating case of chronic Lyme disease, and it reinforced the victim role I had carved out for myself. Some days I couldn’t walk, and I developed a more chronic form of depression.
I had always wanted my girlfriend to play the nurturing role for my victim story. She wanted me to help myself. I refused to take antibiotics because my research had confirmed that it made things worse for many people. Looking back, I was clinging to my illness as a way to keep my victim story relevant. Luckily, after a year of hell I began to change, grow, learn, and take responsibility. I took antibiotics and was cured within weeks. Although antibiotics cured my Lyme disease, it seemed to make my depression a lot worse. How ironic that as I escaped physical pain, I started to feel terrorized by mental pain. Slowly, through healthy lifestyle choices, I fully recovered and started to feel normal again. Sometimes you don’t realize how depressed you really are until you begin to feel like a normal balanced person.
Shortly after my Lyme disease recovery, my girlfriend and I got engaged and went on a long-term trip to Puerto Rico. We continued to have problems, and I continued to blame her because I felt unloved. My neediness became too much for her to bear, and she shut down her affections. I had created a monster, which made it easier for me to blame her more. The blame finally ended the engagement. The lack of independence, self sufficiency, and responsibility for my emotions ended a beautiful love story. After we broke up, I continued to blame her and play the victim for the following months. Being alone forced me to sink or swim. I chose to swim. I chose to better myself and challenge myself. I changed my diet and fitness routine, took dance lessons, and challenged myself to be social. I worked with the loneliness and neediness inside myself. I applied myself professionally and gained financial independence and power. The healthier I got, the more the victim story crumbled. Finally, I let go of the ignorant mental disease of blame and resentment.
Today, I’m happy to say that I feel even better than “normal”. I feel joyful every day and I have the confidence to achieve things I never dreamed for myself before. I still have challenges in my life and I have experienced anxiety and depersonalization attacks pretty recently, but now I am ready for them. I know that I have the tools and the strength to meet them if they visit me. In fact, the more challenges I meet, the stronger I get. Being a master of change is not about being the best, it’s about being courageous and smart enough to dance with life instead of against it.
I’ve been in the thick of darkness, and now that I’ve seen the light I want to share it with others. I’ve spent years discovering the most effective methods for self-transformation and empowerment. It didn’t matter where it came from; if it worked I would use it. I learned from resources including many religions, traditional Chinese medicine (TCM), Ayurveda, Reiki, massage, yoga, inquiry, hypnosis, Western research, and many wonderful teachers. Using my intuition and intellect, I created a lifestyle with habits that deliver. Only recently have I begun to understand why the practices work. I have connected the dots to the point where I can now explain them in a holistic model. I hope my model can give you a framework for understanding why every action you take makes such a huge difference. You are powerful, but you may have been using your power against yourself. You have the power of your consciousness, which is your attention and focus. Perhaps you have just been pointing it in the wrong direction.
At the end of The Mastery Of Change is a workbook, which will allow you to put the practices you learned about into action. I call it The Darkness To Daylight 30 Day Challenge. It is designed to take someone with low energy and low motivation to a place of achievement and happiness.
Thank you for reading my story. We all go through a sort of “hero’s journey”. The further into darkness we slip on that journey makes the light of day that much sweeter. May your journey through this book and through your healing be exciting and rewarding. As the Navajo blessing goes… May you walk in beauty:)