Dirty Laundry: An old theme in my dreams. My mother-in-law represents most of my beliefs because, while I knew her, she reshaped my beliefs in God, Jesus Christ, and reincarnation, just as much as the Edgar Cayce books did. She and Edgar Cayce reinforced the beliefs I had acquired in the convent. This was in the 60s, I was married to Donald, and my mother-in-law became a very important part of my life. Today, I find that some of the beliefs she instilled in me are very restricting. To her, everything was karma and, though she attended my wedding to Jos. and we visited her many times, when I asked her for help when everything was falling apart, she answered, “It is obvious that your karma is to be with alcoholics,” and she would not help me. I was very hurt and terribly angry at her for many years. It is just this Christmas that I have mended this a bit by sending her a card — which she answered. I loved that woman more that my own mother.
Dark Clothes: Negativity
Navy Pants: These are my favourite pants, yet they are now falling apart, they are so old. I am even thinking of not wearing them anymore because they look so shabby.
Brassieres: They were black, and brown, and navy blue. I associate them with being restricted. I am looking for my white ones, the ones I prefer. But there was no white batch in my laundry, the entire wash was dark-coloured clothing.
The Connector: He touched the base of my neck and my entire spine began to vibrate. He is a facilitator, a healer. He could represent my Higher Self. I associate the vibration with the alignment of the chakras.
Children: The bible says, “Unless you become as little children, you cannot enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.” I associate the children
with Network and EMDR. Both are facilitators for healing and both techniques are rather new.
Glasses: They were all clear, as glass is clear. No colour to them. I associate them with “Looking closer” — “Studying” — “Reading”
— and, of course, “Second Sight.”
Torture: The tearing instrument, ripping into the back (chakras) and causing pain, I associate with the wheels of reincarnation/
karma. There is no escaping the pain. On the stairs, in the dungeon, I knew that this was inevitable. A necessary process.
Mar. 1, 2000 (NSA Journal after adjustment) Today I felt as if I was starting a new round. Going maybe a little further still. Felt mostly as if a passage was being prepared. Seemed there was not much going on, yet felt like something hidden is moving.
I was very stiff afterwards. Now it is getting better.
Mar. 3, 2000 (NSA Journal after adjustment) Today I felt…You know how, when you have the flu and you throw up all night, you retch and you retch, but nothing comes up anymore? Well that is how I felt tonight. I felt retching spasms. There was no screaming. No scream would come out even with my mouth wide open. It would start deep where my belly is, move up and up and through my throat, but no sound was there. I am not sure if it is because I don’t want to scream or if I am now looking for a scream that is no longer there. What if I am now inventing this? Maybe there is nothing there anymore. Maybe I am all screamed out. Maybe the spasms are simply what I think they are. How should I react? What you do think, Doc?
March 6, 2000 (NSA Journal after adjustment) Today I felt…My wrist bothered me immediately, then my arm, a lot. I know now why the silent screams. Even though they are silent, tonight I understood that it is a release just the same, and that they are part of my healing. Tonight I am very tired from the adjustment.
When I come back from that place, I usually feel very cold but not tonight. Tonight I am burning up. It is hard to feel like Michelle again. I mostly feel like Micha. As Micha, I found out tonight that
I cannot do anything, Micha cannot do anything to save herself.
What she did is refuse to give in to the screaming. It was a form of control.
March 8, 2000 (NSA Journal after adjustment) Today I felt…Used to be I was always cold. Now, I am always burning up and feeling feverish after a clearing, but it seems that these days it is always the same, with no change. Today, I could feel a dark place.
I could see the dark and I wanted to go there, but I could not find how to do this. Later I saw dominoes, big ones, black with white dots. But not clearly enough for me to rearrange them in their proper order or sequence. I am very tired these days; my energy level is very low.
March 11, 2000 (Computer Journal)