Dear little Micha,
I have come today to tell you how much I have changed since November 1998. Now, I am at your side. You can count on me. You only have to say something. You only need ask. You need only do. I am entirely at your service. More so, I love you.
Michelle Tooth Fairy
Dear Mommy,
Where were you? I was calling you for help, but you weren’t there.
Why did you abandon me like that? You left me in the hands of someone who hurt me badly and, afterwards, you ignored the whole thing as if nothing had happened.
Daddy! Daddy! There is no daddy. Daddy, you do not love me. You were so far away. You only loved mommy. I wanted so much for you to love me, even if only a little bit.
Dear Michelle Tooth Fairy,
Come and get me. Come and take care of me. When you are with me, there is less pain. When you start to feel the pain, too, then I will start healing. I need you. Do not abandon me like Mommy and Daddy did.
Micha
Who I am:
Caretaker – Number One in school – Invisible – Quiet – Super achiever – Star – Responsible – Unafraid – No talk – Watcher in the night – Keep silent – Not say how I feel – Be vigilant – Be the perfect little girl – Be smart.
Feelings – to feel – to feel joy or to feel pain.
To feel the pain. It is not a question of remembering. It is a question of feeling.
Feel, Michelle. Feel. Feel the pain. It is okay now to feel the pain, and it will lessen Micha’s pain. Feel it. Feel it.
Oct. 31, 1999 (Computer Journal)
Bradshaw Exercise: Alert
I had to be alert and vigilant in case my mother fell asleep with a cigarette and set fire to the place.
I had to watch over Simon. Change him and feed him. I, not my mother, took care of him.
I had to be serious all the time. Show how intelligent and smart I was.
My grandfather hurt me. I want to remember, to feel the pain, but it eludes me. Why?
Micha, I love watching you grow. I will be here for you to test your boundaries and find your limits. It’s okay for you to think for yourself. You can think about your feelings and have feelings about what you’re thinking.
I like your life energy; I like your curiosity. I’ll set guideposts for you, to help you find out who you are. I LOVE YOU JUST THE
WAY YOU ARE.
It’s okay to be different. You have your own view of things. It’s okay to imagine things without being afraid they will come true. I’ll help you separate fantasy from reality. It’s okay to cry even though you are growing up. You can ask for what you want. YOU ARE NOT
RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BROTHER!
It’s okay to explore who you are. You can ask questions if something confuses you.
Nov. 3, 1999 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt…I took the time to feel each adjustment. To pay attention to the sensations. The small squares shimmered and changed from dark grey to light grey to white. They moved along my spine.
Nov. 5, 1999 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt drained of energy. Everything burns: my neck, my belly, my stomach. I try to feel and feel, but it is still hard to know what I’m feeling.
Nov. 8, 1999 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt…I stand my ground. I dig my heels in. I am ready to take whatever is coming. I can take the pressure now. Not run away or try to shift every sensation away from my body. My lower belly hurts now during an adjustment.
Also, I recognize the panic in my solar plexus, but I dig my heels in. I no longer run. There is pain but it is only temporary. There are images, but now I say, “Yes, know this is what happened; accept this fact. It happened. There it is.”
Also today I knew when the adjustment was over. I like that. I think if I know, then it means I am paying attention. Today, it feels like my neck, shoulders and upper back have been hit by hundreds of (well, at least several) ping pong balls. I am sore all over!
Nov. 10, 1999 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt…Letting (I hope) my spine do its thing. When I think I want to faint, I tell myself no. No, no fainting. It’s just a little pain. I can take this. I love these adjustments lately. They feel great in spite of the fact that the top of my shoulders and neck are tender.
It feels good.
[Question for Hell: If I feel good, does that mean I’m doing something wrong? Shouldn’t I be coughing or crying or something?]
Nov. 19, 1999 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt…I try and listen to what my body is saying. I follow what it does. If there is pain, I let it be. I do not tell it to go away anymore. Pain where I would not permit it before. Pain. So I cry. But the pain is happy.
Nov. 22, 1999 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt…TILT! [Note: this was written across the page in big letters. I had seen some images I simply could not deal with at the time.]
Nov. 24. 1999 (NSA journal after adjustment) Today I felt…The pain in my head, in my neck and upper back, is so strong. I think my body wants to connect all the dots, but it is a painful process. There is no map. Just a sense of direction. I may be here forever.
Nov. 28, 1999 (Computer Journal)