Micha- A Disturbance of Lost Memories by Aimee - HTML preview

Dialogue

So I think I have now finished ‘dialogue,’ at least for the moment.

I did the dialogue not just because Hell mentioned I should do something of the sort, but because now that I am writing again, I kind of like it.

If Hell thought there would be healing in ‘dialogue,’ I think he was wrong. There was some discovery, but mostly pain.

I want to be well. I want this to end. I want to be well so that Eddy will not have children growing up in a dysfunctional family. I think maybe if I do this right, maybe he will go looking for healing before he starts a family. But, like everything else I ever hope for or wish to do, I doubt this will work. There is too much of the Charlie Brown in me.

I doubt now that I will ever be capable of getting out of Stage Four.

I will just keep going around and around in the lower stages. There is no way, from my point of view right here at the computer, that I can even make it to stage eight, never mind those other higher stages.

25

Now thanks to Hell and thanks to having followed his suggestions, I feel worse than before. I feel the way I felt just before Jos. and I had that terrible fight and he got too drunk to come back home.

The aloneness, the hopelessness, the aching void, it is all back. Why do I always inflict these things on myself? Why am I going back to the clinic? Except for that pain in the butt, as Hell puts it, I was doing very well. I thought everything was over, once and for all. I used to think I would like to hold off dying until Eddy is financially secure.

Now I think I cannot die until he is healed, so that his children will have all the hugs in the world and grow up in what Hell calls a nur-turing environment.

Right this moment, I feel devastated. All is dark and I feel lost, again.

Nov. 30, 1998 (NSA journal entry after adjustment) Today I feel…the adjustments seemed to take me into a dark space.

Pressure on my upper back.

Dec. 2, 1998 (NSA journal entry after adjustment) The changes I have noticed…my arms are looser. I feel I could swim again.

As for how I felt, very unsettled!

Dec. 6, 1998 (Letter to Hell)