Micha- A Disturbance of Lost Memories by Aimee - HTML preview

Note

My head understands why Hell had to leave his practice, but my heart is angry at him because I had become so dependent on him. I miss his kind counsel, his clear days and his hugs. I miss his coaching in SRI and his standing ‘above.’ I miss his meditations and his healing touch. I understand that he had to seek his own healing.

I am angry! Was I in love with him? I would not be the first patient to fall in love with her doctor. At any rate, I’m beginning to think that the pain in my left side is my being heartbroken over Hell.

There, I said it! I had come to need him too much, and that is not a good thing.

I miss you, Hell. You are my healer and nothing more. I have to let go of you. I know I have to, I just don’t know how. Help me do this, dear God.

Aug. 18, 2001 (Letter)

Dear Grandfather,

I have travelled a long and arduous journey, these last few years, through a forest of dark, unholy memories.

You changed me. You transformed me from a happy child, innocent and loving, into a dark-hearted child. You took away my smile, my joy, my innocence, and you replaced them with self pity, self-defac-ing images, ugliness, and a sadness so profound that it would not let any light into my soul.

I spent months struggling with the images, telling myself I was making it up and that I was lying to myself. I wanted to believe that, more than I wanted to believe that you hurt me this much.

I realize now why I have such negative beliefs about myself. You put them there! You hurt me! You made me feel dirty! You are the one who dirtied me! You left me bleeding and soiled! You raped me when I was not yet even four years old! How dare you! You are sick!

All these years I believed there was something wrong with me, when all the while there was something wrong with you. Well, no more of this! Today, I finally see clearly. I was completely innocent. I believed your lies all these years, but not anymore.

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I am not, not, a slut. I am not, not, a whore. I am pure. I was always pure. You soiled me. But now that I know this, I can clean myself free of you. I can be totally pure and no longer believe your lies. I was not born in sin. When I was born, God smiled, as He does for every child, as He did even for you. When I was born, God smiled on me and blessed me. I had forgotten that. I believed your lies, but now I know better. All these years, I have accepted your words as truth.

Not anymore!

You were wrong. You were sick, and I mean it in more ways than one. Whatever happened to you as a child, that caused you to behave that way, must have been truly evil. Or were you truly evil? I do not know evil as you knew it.

Were you able to sleep at night? Did you never ask yourself why am I doing this? Did you believe the only possible way to know pleasure was by hurting me and your daughters as you did?

I remember little of you. Blue eyes, white hair, red-veined skin, sawed-off fingertips. As I write, I don’t remember ever hating you.

Surely I must have. If I didn’t, I know that I must not blame myself for this. Through all the pain you inflicted on me, did you believe that pain brings pleasure and is that what you tried to teach me?

These many years of confusion about who I am, what I am, have stunted my growth; have caused ugly warts to grow on my face, have made me behave like a hag. But now, as I heal, the warts are disappearing. The hag is straightening up and lifting her head high. And, little by little, one little baby step after the other, I’m learning to love myself.

I have been afraid to look for the real Micha because I was afraid I would find that you were right all along, but you were not. I have finally stopped listening to your lies. No more can you mar me. No more can you possess me. For that is what I was: possessed by your evil.

Well, not anymore.

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